will you tell this to your future partner

[vanellope]

I have been OW,

now only MM and BS and me and my family know this.

 

I am single and now I start dating ocationally,

and I am thinking if one day one of these led to serious relationship, should I tell my history about being the OW? I am thinking honest is better but also think about maybe just keep it as secret because I also feel nothing is worth to tell.

 

I am thinking this because the wife still threaring me these days after I start NC, and I got a feelings that if one day she see me with new partner, she will not keep silent too.

[Lady2163]

I probably won't.

 

I haven't had a "real" relationship in 11 years.

 

I will probably say, I had a couple of FWBs who were long distance, but was really pretty busy with other things in my life.

 

I just don't think my sexual history prior to meeting him is all that important. Neither is his to me.

 

Now, medical history on the other hand....

 

I'm clean as a whistle and if I meet a guy with herpes, there probably wouldn't be a relationship or anything sexual happening.

[Clay]

I think if you are going to try to enter into a serious relationship with someone you should disclose this information. I understand you might not want to do this but really if it ever gets brought up by someone else later the problems it could cause you could be devastating. I would also expect the same thing from the person you are getting involved with. They should disclose to you things that could later effect your life.

 

You never know they may think its perfectly ok and you can move on to have a great relationship with them.

 

Clay

[Lady2163]

I think if you are going to try to enter into a serious relationship with someone you should disclose this information. I understand you might not want to do this but really if it ever gets brought up by someone else later the problems it could cause you could be devastating. I would also expect the same thing from the person you are getting involved with. They should disclose to you things that could later effect your life.

 

You never know they may think its perfectly ok and you can move on to have a great relationship with them.

 

Clay

 

That is 30 years of sexual history...that could take a while.

 

I don't believe my sexual ancient history defines me.

 

My last three breakups, and divorce do not make me out to be a total saint. I even had moments of being a shrew,

I don't really want to be held accountable for my actions in my 20s. I wasn't a criminal, I didn't have any babies, I caught no diseases. Let it rest.

 

As for my current situation, assuming it ends calmly, I will want to protect information about him - and myself.

[Clay]

I really meant the part about being involved with someone that was married. So in the event it ever came up at least it would not be a shock. I would never advocate telling everyone everything about your life and I do understand some things are better off left unknown.

 

I am sure we all have things we have done we are not really proud about but if it has the potential to cause problems with a new partner then you should give them the benefit of the doubt. I could only imagine your sitting and having lunch with your new partner and the exMM Wife comes up and confronts you over the past. It could cause serious problems in your new relationship. Its just something to consider.

 

Clay

[Realist3]

I can't imagine why anyone would purposefully sabotage a potentially new relationship by saying, "Oh by the way, I was an OW for three years. How about we go get some ice cream."

 

Inviting that discussion is inviting yourself to be defined by your A, and you will be. The affair is a part of your past, just like millions of other experiences you have had on this journey. Not sharing every single experience has nothing to do with having an honest relationship with your new partner.

[Art_Critic]

I can't imagine why anyone would purposefully sabotage a potentially new relationship by saying, "Oh by the way, I was an OW for three years. How about we go get some ice cream."

 

I totally agree.. Why would one want to bring up all the negative drama from their past and pull it right into a new budding relationship... that would be self defeating.

 

The past is the past.. I could care a less about the relationships my wife had before I knew her or how they were formed or broke up.. the one in front of me is the only one I care about....

 

A OW/OM relationship is still just a relationship and doesn't bear a 'Star' that a person must wear for the rest of their lives after it has ended.

[Lady2163]

I really meant the part about being involved with someone that was married. So in the event it ever came up at least it would not be a shock. I would never advocate telling everyone everything about your life and I do understand some things are better off left unknown.

 

I am sure we all have things we have done we are not really proud about but if it has the potential to cause problems with a new partner then you should give them the benefit of the doubt. I could only imagine your sitting and having lunch with your new partner and the exMM Wife comes up and confronts you over the past. It could cause serious problems in your new relationship. Its just something to consider.

 

Clay

 

Well, that would be a stretch. I mean it could happen, but first hurdle would be BS finding out, then driving four hours....but some time will have passed since I don't have a bf right now, she'd have to find us, which again, is possible, but probably would require a private detective.

 

I would move that up in probability if. god forbid a dday happens.

[liloldlady]

I am thinking honest is better but also think about maybe just keep it as secret because I also feel nothing is worth to tell.

 

No secrets. If it comes up, be candid. You need someone who will love you for who you are, including those things you consider to be a mistake.

[Clay]

Its really a choice of how you want to say it or bring it up. I was just saying if you feel it might later come out why not be the one to control the negative part of it before your new mate learns about it from someone else.

 

Its really your call.

 

Clay

[krazikat]

Well, that would be a stretch. I mean it could happen, but first hurdle would be BS finding out, then driving four hours....but some time will have passed since I don't have a bf right now, she'd have to find us, which again, is possible, but probably would require a private detective.

 

I would move that up in probability if. god forbid a dday happens.

 

Lady the op specifically was asking and referenced the possibility of BS seeing her in public with a date...so clay was on topic answering op, not you.

 

Op, this is something you should disclose to a man you are serious with. But I would recommend that you also say what you have learned and that you would never do it again as you have said here. Since your family knows there is the risk one of them could slip and say something...and if BS is after you like that then she could make a scene. This does not define you...so don't hide from it.

[dichotomy]

Absolutely, at some point when things get very serious - certainly the I love you phase - exclusive phase - and at the latest when your close to marriage thoughts or discussion- you should share your deep life lessons and beliefs. We all have baggage and mistakes, and the older you get the more you have. Deep and true love is about letting someone know you and where you came from – and them accepting you. I think the key is not what you did, but what your learned and what you believe and feel about it.

 

I speak from experience on this specific issue - don't hide things like this, better it come from you beforehand, and it is discussed -and you give the person a choice to accept or not - then it to come out later.

Edited January 13, 2014 by dichotomy

[Quiet Storm]

I just don't think my sexual history prior to meeting him is all that important. Neither is his to me.

 

A relationship has two people in it, though. It's not just you. You don't get to decide what is important to the other person. If you don't care about his sexual history, that's great. But what if he cares about yours? Doesn't what he wants matter, as well? Or because YOU feel the past is irrelevant, it's cool to omit details that he might care about?

 

If you don't want a person that cares about sexual history, if you don't want a partner that will define you based on the past, wouldn't you rather know about this? So that you can weed out people that will judge you? I don't understand this logic. Why would you ever want to be with someone that can't accept you, past mistakes, flaws and all?

 

The past is the past.. I could care a less about the relationships my wife had before I knew her or how they were formed or broke up.. the one in front of me is the only one I care about....

 

That's great! But what about people that aren't like you? What about those that feel that past choices matter?

 

I can't imagine why anyone would purposefully sabotage a potentially new relationship by saying, "Oh by the way, I was an OW for three years. How about we go get some ice cream."

 

 

Wouldn't it be better to find out early that they are not compatible? I think that's much smarter than saying "Hey, why don't I get emotionally invested in someone that might judge me if they know the truth about me." If the truth is eventually revealed & his perception of her changes, or if he loses respect for her... you just have prolonged a relationship that was doomed from the start due to incompatible values.

 

I'm not at all suggesting that this info has to be revealed on the first date. But when the dynamic turns serious, it should be considered. If he tells you, "I don't care about the past", then don't ever mention it. However, if you do get the impression that the past matters to him, and you lie or omit truths that you know would be important to him... that's misrepresentation. That person will likely feel decieved if the info ever comes to light, and then the person with the "past" will feel disrespected and judged. IMO its better to just date people with compatible values. As this thread shows, there are many guys that do not care about the past. Find one of them instead of wasting time on someone that might judge or define you by the past.

[MissBee]

I have been OW,

now only MM and BS and me and my family know this.

 

I am single and now I start dating ocationally,

and I am thinking if one day one of these led to serious relationship, should I tell my history about being the OW? I am thinking honest is better but also think about maybe just keep it as secret because I also feel nothing is worth to tell.

 

I am thinking this because the wife still threaring me these days after I start NC, and I got a feelings that if one day she see me with new partner, she will not keep silent too.

 

If you have to keep it a "secret" then maybe you shouldn't be seeing that person.

 

I have told all serious bfs after and even ones that didn't become serious and it's never been an issue. It's also not something I treat as some "big reveal." Naturally, past relationships come up and so that is part of it. It's also been a while for me so the A wasn't my most recent relationship, so that also helps. But it's nothing I keep as a secret or hide.

 

I learned from that experience and any man seeing me would be able to tell that it's not something I revel in and it hasn't ever been an issue. If for some reason some guy just couldn't get over it, it's most certainly his right, as there are other things I might not get over, but that just means we aren't a good match and that's okay. I'm not of the mind that I should keep secrets, downplay or omit info so someone dates me. Nope. I am who I am, I have a past and I want someone who understands all of that and appreciates me nevertheless.

 

If MM's wife will resurface it is also good to let a partner know this as one of the worst feelings is having someone blackmail you. If your partner already knows about your A then you don't have to ever worry about MM's wife popping up and telling your "dirty secret", as you would be quite secure knowing that your current man already knew and still chose you. That is also a major reason I believe in not lying, hiding, downplaying big things in your past, as I want my man to know it all so that it is NEVER a case where some other person can reveal it later, as that will make you seem like you lied or like there are parts about you that he doesn't know and no one likes to feel like they had to hear stuff about their partner from someone else. For me, there is NOTHING important in my life that my bestfriend doesn't know and that anyone can say "Hey guess what Bee did one time"...her response would be "Already knew that, so what?" That is the relationship I need to have with any man I'm serious about.

Edited January 13, 2014 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I probably won't.

 

I haven't had a "real" relationship in 11 years.

 

I will probably say, I had a couple of FWBs who were long distance, but was really pretty busy with other things in my life.

 

I just don't think my sexual history prior to meeting him is all that important. Neither is his to me.

 

Now, medical history on the other hand....

 

I'm clean as a whistle and if I meet a guy with herpes, there probably wouldn't be a relationship or anything sexual happening.

 

That's the thing...an affair is not just about your sexual history, for lots of people it is also a moral, worldview kind of thing and will determine if you're someone they feel sees the world similarly to them. I assume any past relationship talk for mature individuals isn't just to find out sordid sexual details, as relationships are more than that, people discuss it because it gives such great insight into how someone has handled conflict before, the types of people they seem to date, issues they seem to constantly have and all kinds of things.

 

For me I am not concerned with finding out about all sex activities (although I would like to know about any atypical things like if you believe in group sex, swinging, you're bisexual) but I like to hear about a man's past to get a sense of his experiences, things that have shaped him, his worldview, beliefs, the way he conducts his life, where he's coming from, what he's learned, how he seems to talk about exes, how he has treated them, is nothing ever his fault based on how he talks about his past relationship etc. The past esp if it is recent isn't some random thing that has no effect....if he was with a married woman 3 months ago...that is not some ancient history with no effect.

 

If for example someone believes an affair is no big deal I would like to know about that and hearing how they talk about a past A they had, now, will help me to determine their views on it and to see if we are a good match.

Edited January 13, 2014 by MissBee

[Lady2163]

A relationship has two people in it, though. It's not just you. You don't get to decide what is important to the other person. If you don't care about his sexual history, that's great. But what if he cares about yours? Doesn't what he wants matter, as well? Or because YOU feel the past is irrelevant, it's cool to omit details that he might care about?

 

If you don't want a person that cares about sexual history, if you don't want a partner that will define you based on the past, wouldn't you rather know about this? So that you can weed out people that will judge you? I don't understand this logic. Why would you ever want to be with someone that can't accept you, past mistakes, flaws and all?

 

 

 

That's great! But what about people that aren't like you? What about those that feel that past choices matter?

 

 

 

Wouldn't it be better to find out early that they are not compatible? I think that's much smarter than saying "Hey, why don't I get emotionally invested in someone that might judge me if they know the truth about me." If the truth is eventually revealed & his perception of her changes, or if he loses respect for her... you just have prolonged a relationship that was doomed from the start due to incompatible values.

 

I'm not at all suggesting that this info has to be revealed on the first date. But when the dynamic turns serious, it should be considered. If he tells you, "I don't care about the past", then don't ever mention it. However, if you do get the impression that the past matters to him, and you lie or omit truths that you know would be important to him... that's misrepresentation. That person will likely feel decieved if the info ever comes to light, and then the person with the "past" will feel disrespected and judged. IMO its better to just date people with compatible values. As this thread shows, there are many guys that do not care about the past. Find one of them instead of wasting time on someone that might judge or define you by the past.

 

Truthfully, if I got serious about someone and they were asking a lot of questions about my marriage, divorce, sexual history, the relationship would be doomed.

 

"I don't kiss and tell details. I had a wild time in my 20s. My last relationship ended in 2003. I have had 3 long distance FWBs since then."

 

That's about all I would say.

[vanellope]

all are valuable suggestions, thank you.

 

if I meet someone I serious consider about being together, I will tell him this story of my life.

 

I feel it's good because then I don't need worry about this might be explored one day, and can feel safe that he accept me. If he really understand me and he will know that I won't do this again.

[MissBee]

all are valuable suggestions, thank you.

 

if I meet someone I serious consider about being together, I will tell him this story of my life.

 

I feel it's good because then I don't need worry about this might be explored one day, and can feel safe that he accept me. If he really understand me and he will know that I won't do this again.

 

Good for you!

 

Esp if it is something that you know someone else feels they have on you and have threatened to expose, it is always best to be truthful about it first and have your partner hear it from you versus someone else.

[krazikat]

all are valuable suggestions, thank you.

 

if I meet someone I serious consider about being together, I will tell him this story of my life.

 

I feel it's good because then I don't need worry about this might be explored one day, and can feel safe that he accept me. If he really understand me and he will know that I won't do this again.

 

Good choice vanellope! Living authentically and honestly is definitely the way to go. Wishing you the best as you move on and forward from this affair and take it as a learning experience.