Anyone had a second chance work?

[k100danny]

I will give a few of you my back story briefly and where i am at at the moment and ask for any advice or opinions.

 

Me and my girlfriend were together around 10 months, we had drifted apart and she wasn't feeling close to me which i totally understand, i had become withdrawn due to my anxiety issues and felt she could do better. anyway i maybe took the easy way out and when she admitted part of the reason she was unhappy was down to us i said i didn't think i could offer her what she wanted at the minute and although i don't want to split up i see no other way.

 

Anyway we both found it hard to move on, i was going through many many personaly struggles and we were still in contact, she was obviously very upset and wanted us to work out and wanted us back together. i said several times i'd love it to be the way it was but i was feeling so bad in myself and i didn't see how i could have a relationship at all, i told her it's nothing you've done, you couldn't have done anything better you always treat me with respect and i couldnt have asked for more.

 

anyway we stayed in touch pretty much constantly until christmas day, saying we wish it would go back to how it was and i really did want her i just had so many personal things to deal with i didn't feel i could be a real boyfriend that she deserved, anyway after christmas she said she got so upset, christmas together was supposed to be a lovely one wiht us and she started going out drinking heavily every day for about 7-10 days, hanging around with people she wouldnt usually ect but we often had contact a few days apart.

 

during this time someone started to like her and flirt, they did end up kissing once and she stopped it and said she still loved her ex and it couldnt go anywhere and that was it apparently. She did finally break down and tell me this and i was very hurt but obviously she had done nothing wrong. I saw how upset she was and i mean really not taking it good, not eating, crying, panic attacks and i tried to reassure her and i invited her to my house. we hugged and everything seemed great and i admitted i wanted us to be together again and she said she wanted that too.

 

so fast forward a week, we have been seeing each other a lot, sleeping together and have both said we really want this to work, when we are together things are great, we laugh and hug and sleep on one another but when we are appart we both have admitted strange feelings come up like fear of if it can work or she says she is scared i might leave again. I don't feel like i used to and i don't mean i don't love her or care or want to be in a relationship it just doesnt feel like before.

 

I know it will never go back exactly the same but the feeling of security feels like it has gone slightly will this ever come back? will it ever feel like a commited relationship again to both of us?

 

there are a few other little issues that we are addressing as they come up and we are speaking about it not hiding from it. i guess im also scared to as i have fully let her into my life issues and all and i fear maybe she wanted to get back together either out of guilt (telling herself she loves me to not feel guilt about kissing the other guy but she shouldnt she didnt do anything wrong) or because it kind of came up out of the blue for her the break up and she wants some kind of finality to it.

 

I know if we don't work out and things don't get back to feeling secure we will have some type of closure to it all and know we tried but i just can't explain the feelings i am having at the moment at all. It's like i don't feel the same part of her life but i can't expect things to get to that point in a few days i know.

 

I'm thinking we give it a month and see what happens.

[k100danny]

I'm judging that by the lack of response the chance of it being great again are slim, This has been a really strange day. just waiting to go out on a date with the girlfriend i recently reconciled with and im feeling quite anxious as we've both said thoughs come up when we aren't together.

 

Maybe we are brushing things under the table whilst in each others company but i can't think what, we have been more honest now it seems than ever before.

[Simon Phoenix]

Since you really didn't take any time apart, the odds of this working out a second time are pretty low. You are basically jumping into the exactly same flawed relationship that didn't work the first time. Sorry, I think history is going to repeat itself in your case.

[Eau Claire]

You mention twice that she kissed another guy but didn't 'do anything wrong'. You are not being honest with yourself. You are trying to convince yourself of this.

 

You may or may not want to be with her but are actually more concerned about someone else having her. If you could keep her in the closet, you'd be fine. Be free but not have her free.

[flightplan]

A really good friend of mine was dating this guy for about a year but they hit a roadblock and decided to call it quits. They didn't talk for 6 months. The guy reached out to her after 6 months and decided he wanted to try and make it work. She wasn't so sure because she already processed and decided to let go. She said it was pretty hard for her to decide to give it another shot, but they did and now they've been married for 15 years and going strong. I'm sure they happen more than we know.

[Never Again]

Since you really didn't take any time apart, the odds of this working out a second time are pretty low. You are basically jumping into the exactly same flawed relationship that didn't work the first time. Sorry, I think history is going to repeat itself in your case.

 

I believe that second chances can work.

 

Honestly, if there were no "deal breakers" in the relationship and things became rough, boring or the "spark" faded away...I feel like there's a good chance for them to work.

 

However, Simon is right. Time apart, with no contact, is vital.

 

What has really been addressed in the time you've been apart? Have you handled your anxiety issues? Have you both learned to communicate more effectively? Have you both really healed from the breakup?