Angry Fiancé

[HurtZ]

I’m getting married in June to my fiancé. He is wonderful—except when we fight. Last night we were both drinking and got into an argument over something silly…but it quickly escalated. I wanted to talk it out and was pressing him to talk about it when he started yelling at me. I then got angrier, got up, and started “cleaning” the house in a frantic state – banging plates around (I know very immature)—while he sat there ignoring me. His quietness angered me further, I started yelling and knocked down our cat’s scratch post. He then freaked out, got angry and in my face yelling loud at me an inch away from my face…broke a table then threw a glass at the wall which almost hit me (very surprised that the glass didn’t go into my eyes because I was so close). I started crying, went upstairs, and then he comes up apologizes and we made up. We rarely fight like this but when we do alcohol is usually involved. Last time we had a fight like this he ended up putting a hole in the wall and wrecking a kitchen cabinet.

 

I realize that I provoked the argument last night but I get really angry that he breaks stuff. Yes, I knocked over the cat post but I felt silly after and put it back up. Anyways…what I’m asking is—should this behavior be disregarded and attribute it to getting drunk ..or should I be seriously concerned? BTW –he has profusely apologized since and said he’s never drinking again.

[Philosoraptor]

So um, why are you getting married? This type of argument does not happen in a healthy relationship. Sounds like there is a lot of aggressiveness and a risk of physical harm.

 

Every couple argues... but not like this.

[HurtZ]

I agree that arguing like this isn't healthy. It seems to only happen when we drink a lot. We don’t drink very often, usually when we do we fight. We don’t fight AT ALL otherwise. We are getting married because we love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship. I don’t want to end the relationship because of a few drunk fights….

[d0nnivain]

Getting drunk may be a trigger for the fights & that should be addressed.

 

 

The violence however is a whole different ball game. I wouldn't marry until you find out why that happens & take steps to prevent it in the future.

[Silly_Girl]

Definitely be concerned. Take action immediately, which may well include postponing/cancelling the wedding. These things rarely 'fade away'.

[Poppyolive]

With my ex of 5 years, when we drank he would fight with me, only when drinking, it was painful, he promised and cried...but it would happen again and again...and from the beginning to the end it got worse, although he was always sorry....we wouldn't drink often, but when we did it would always go like this, to the point where I stopped, tried to avoid him when I could see it coming....he didn't want to stop drinking...said it wasn't a big deal.... It progressively got worse & blew up....he was a loving awesome man, but the man that came out after drinks had no regard for me of himself....so my advice is stop drinking, get help, these are underlining unresolved issues, it will get worse, it got worse for me....unless you both are willing to take responsibility for your drinking behaviours and working in them...it will get worse for you too. And wow both of you argue when drunk...ita gona get messy. #underlining issues for both of you individually & in your relationship, if not dealt with now...I feel bad for where its going to go and how its going to end.

[pteromom]

If drinking is destroying your relationship, stop drinking!

 

You have to decide what is most important to you.

 

Still, I agree with Poppyolive that there are underlying issues that come out when you both are drinking.

 

I wouldn't get married until this is resolved and you can argue civilly and focus on resolution vs. scaring each other and being aggressive with each other. If you go ahead the way things are, you will have domestic violence charges in your future.

[Arieswoman]

Whether you are drunk or sober, arguing/fighting is not good.

 

You need to address why you are doing this.

 

Do you both have unresolved anger issues?

 

Only you can find a away forward, because where you are now is not healthy.

[darkmoon]

do not have children until he is nicer to you, terribly hard for a mom and baby to cope, I think he will talk about his "yelling" and see it is terrible for family life, as it is yelling at you when an inch from your face is emotional violence, I would cry too ((hugs)) he must be willing to snap out of all this

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think it's really about the alcohol, as that just lowers your inhibitions. The anger issues are already inside BOTH OF YOU. This is not normal behavior, whether you are drinking or not! What about couple's counseling?

[itsmylife]

It doesn't sound like you both are meant to be together. I once had an ex fiance I argued with like this and I'm so glad I got away from it.

 

My current husband and I have respect and never even raise voices at each other during a disagreement.

 

Your relationship doesn't sound happy and this what you want to be dealing with for a life time?

[Eau Claire]

No mystery here. You and him should not get married. You are both a disaster waiting to happen.

 

If you get married, make sure he has a vascectomy. Don't bring a child into this world.

[Iguanna]

Well, thank you for being completely unhelpful. We do not have kids and would not be drinking if we did. We do not throw things at each other—he threw a glass at the wall. And we do not beat each other up. Please read more carefully and if you have no advice rather than snarky, inaccurate comments, move along.

 

So if it's so easy to stop drinking, why don't you? I don't think my comments were inaccurate, cause almost everyone mentioned you should not have kids. I may have said it a little more harshly but I'm sensitive when it comes to incapable parents and the psyche of innocent kids.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Quick observation. No, I don't know you and I'm not a psychologist/therapist. What I do see from your posts is that you are quick to lash out and insult when angry. Is this how you typically react when you're angry?

 

Remember, we cannot control others but we can control ourselves. You can control your reaction if someone provokes you and angers you. When you feel the flash of anger, take a moment, breathe and react constructively. As soon as you start raising your voice, hurling insults, the other person will raise their defenses and productive conversation is no longer possible.

 

I used to have severe anger issues. Quick tempered and even abusive. I've done a 180 since the day that I committed to resolving those issues. It took me about 5 years to get here and I have to work on my patience every day. If drinking is the only catalyst to your fights, maybe you two shouldn't drink together anymore. When you're not in the right mindset (drunk/tipsy) how can you possibly remember using techniques that you have talked about & practiced when sober?

 

Sit down with your fiance and come up with some techniques on how to react to each other when you two are both emotionally charged and reactive. In a fight or an argument, the objective is to win. That is, both parties are battling to prove a point or convince the other party that they're wrong. Try changing your mindset. Try having discussions. When the discussion starts getting really heated and emotions are starting to run high, take a break. Keep the discussion civil and don't let it get to a fight. Practice when sober and hopefully you can remember when you guys are drinking.

 

Good luck!

Edited January 14, 2014 by seekingpeaceinlove

[Eau Claire]

So if it's so easy to stop drinking, why don't you? I don't think my comments were inaccurate, cause almost everyone mentioned you should not have kids. I may have said it a little more harshly but I'm sensitive when it comes to incapable parents and the psyche of innocent kids.

 

Agreed.

 

Unfortunately the OP sees getting drunk and having an argument as some normal part of a relationship.

 

Hint...no it isn't.

 

There's probably alcohol, pot...all 'ok' to the OP when there is obviously an issue. This relationship is disaster 101 waiting to happen. Again...make sure you use birth control.

[anna121]

Being able to handle conflict is a really big part of a relationship. In fact, I'd say there is no aspect that is more important.

 

IOW - by no means do you have a "perfect" relationship where this is just a small bump in the road.

 

You both need therapy, and likely anger management training.

 

Oh, and I agree with those who say that your OTT hostility to posts you don't like belies the notion that this is merely an occasional problem.

Edited January 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mrs rubble]

As the last couple of posters have suggested, anger management training would be a great idea.

I've seen this work in my own sons!!

One of my boys was so bad with anger issues, he was put into a special school for kids with behaviour issues...so there were lots of them there!! IMO-not ideal- and he'd come home telling me how he'd gotten into fights with all and sundry.

I had a frank discussion with him one day and told him if he carried on with his anger and violence he would end up with a criminal record and would never be allowed into certain countries because of it.

I also told him that seeing as how he was so keen on weight training/ fitness etc.....that when he felt like smashing someone or something that he should instead give himself 10 (meaning 10 push-ups.)

He did just that at school the next day! It caught on.....half the angry kids were doing push-ups instead of punching each other!

 

Good luck.

[Tayla]

A former long time friend had gotten remarried to a lady who can very much be the OP....He and Her fought tooth and nail, one day I walked in on their "bout",(they had invited me over for dinner) and by the end of it, it was "Them" against "Me". Somehow fighting couples do NOT like when others intervene and try to stop the madness, they are comfortable in it, and consider it their "love" language, that others simply do not understand. Didn't understand it then ...yet I sincerely do "BELEIVE" that "they" beleive that there way works for them...after all they stayed married and have two children.....While I am single and living by the No way jose will I enter a marriage filled with angst....Its what is familiar to one ....I don't agree with it, yet its not mine to endure....

 

To the OP, take your arguement as a warning flag....and ask yourself...Will you be willing to take this behavior into your life long commitment? Because it doesnt change, you simply marry it...for better or worse...

[CC12]

Anyways…what I’m asking is—should this behavior be disregarded and attribute it to getting drunk ..or should I be seriously concerned? BTW –he has profusely apologized since and said he’s never drinking again.

 

Yes, you should be concerned about his behavior. You should be more concerned about your own behavior, though.

 

I realize that I provoked the argument last night but I get really angry that he breaks stuff.

So have you apologized to him?

 

I'm getting the feeling that you think you're in the right here. But you fought just as dirty as he did, so I don't get how you can frame yourself as some kind of victim who is owed an apology. You both yelled and threw things.

 

I then got angrier, got up, and started

 

banging plates around

 

while he sat there ignoring me. His quietness angered me further, I started yelling

I just want to point out that you got angry because he didn't give you the reaction that you wanted. Instead of accepting his reaction and letting it go, you started yelling at him. What did you expect would happen?