Really confused

[Dredd]

Hello all,

 

I am known as a typical nice, responsible and caring guy among friends. I have a good job and I live alone.I was single for a few years until a really good friend of mine visited me and all of a sudden we were in each others' arms. Things looked perfect, there was an amazing chemistry and everything felt so right. To be honest it was pure bliss. Although since we work in different cities, she went back and we can only see each other when we can. After a few weeks she talked about marriage and I agreed. Even though things between us are still really good, I feel like something is out of place. I can not feel her passion for me anymore. She thinks I am the funniest guy she ever met and she is %100 sure that she wants to be with me. I am not really sure if she is into me or she just wants to marry me because I am a stereotype family man. I do not want her to regret this later on. I am even afraid to text her when I want or call her often because I do not want to look like I am reaching to her. I have no fear about marriage, I just feel like things are already started to change. I really would like your opinions about this. Thank you.

[HurtZ]

Well first of all, how long have you been together? Talking about marriage after only a few weeks is very premature. You are getting way ahead of yourself!

 

If she is truly the right woman for you then she will have no problem waiting a year to see where your relationship goes. If she wants to get married after only a month and she also lives long distance, you have no idea who she truly is. The fact that you feel something is missing is because there IS something missing--you need to give it time!! Things are always blissful at the start of a new relationship but you need to realize this will wear off eventually and you need to have a solid foundation of companionship and friendship in addition to the physical chemistry and emotional connection…this can only be built with time. My advice – take things slow, get to know her better, meet her family & friends and vice versa. Find a way to either move to her city or have her move to yours and wait a year before making the marriage proposal. Good luck!

[thompkevin]

Dear Judge Dredd,

 

I'd say don't married unless you are absolutely sure. Unless you can't talk to her about how you are feeling, your relationship is not yet strong enough to get married. Talk to her about how you feel. Of course, don't put it in a way that she gets upset.

[CarrieT]

You two need to spend a LOT more time together -- in each others' presence and not long distance -- before deciding to get married.

 

The common suggestion of seeing another person through all four seasons (a whole year) is a good one for a reason. That "passion" and "honeymoon period" never lasts beyond nine to 14 months and it is good to know someone through that period to see if there is enough to build a life together on.

[Dredd]

Thank you all for your answers.

 

We decided things like that where we will live and since we are old friends, her family knows me and my family knows her. Her family is thrilled about the news, there is no way I can back off. Well maybe things are not like in the movies after all. Maybe it is better to learn things in a hard way.

[d0nnivain]

Have a really long engagement . . . like 2 years. Don't start putting down non-refundable deposits until you are sure.

 

 

I love my husband but wedding planning is STRESSFUL. It brings out the worst in everybody. If you are not sure, you won't make it through that.

[CarrieT]

Her family is thrilled about the news, there is no way I can back off.

 

Of course there is to back off!

 

You don't get married because the families are thrilled.

 

And, no, things are not like they are in the movies.

 

Seriously - how old are you people?

[Dredd]

We are both 30 years old, what I am trying to say is if i back off now, I will lose the trust of her for an eternity because I agreed in the first place.

[HurtZ]

You never answered my question – how long have you been dating each other??

 

You are absolutely crazy to marry this woman feeling like you do and in such a short time. And you say you will lose her trust if you back out?? This woman sounds like she just wants to get married because she is 30 and desperate to settle down, with whomever that may be. If she truly loves you and wants to marry you she will appreciate that you want to have a longer time in a relationship before rushing to the altar. I’m not saying 5 or 10 years…I’m saying just ONE year.

 

Another question—how did you propose? Did you plan it out and get down on your knee or was it something she brought up?

I suggest you really consider what you are about to do. Just because your families are happy is not a reason to get married. Will they still be happy 2 or 3 years down the line when you file for divorce –because you never really knew her to begin with? More importantly, will YOU still be happy if she is not the person that you thought she was? You need more time to develop a foundation to build a marriage upon. I assume since you are both 30 that you are thinking you need to get married now…but you should not do this unless YOU are 100% sure. Not your family, not her..but you.

[Dredd]

It has been two months and we plan to marry before september this year. No proposal has been made yet, it is all talk and yes she brought it up. I am not afraid of marriage, I only have once concern. I do not want her to marry me because it makes sense, I want her to marry me because she loves me. I can not read her well. One day she is the sweetest person then the next day she seems distant. It might be because of me too, I dont know.. I really dont..

[HurtZ]

Ok, I thought you were actually engaged. Fine, talk about marriage all you want. But don’t get a ring until you have been together longer. You need to be together longer so you CAN read her better. The fact that she is so changeable is a red flag. It’s impossible to be with someone only 2 months and expect to fully know them. It’s best if you can live together for awhile before getting married so you really know her—you don’t really know someone until you live together. Take care.

[haven]

Don't get married because u r expected to from the family do it cause u love her and willing to spend the rest of ur life with her. Think about this what if u get married and the find out that is not what u or she wanted what will her family say then???

[itsmylife]

There is a chance her feelings have started to fade.

But I'll give you advice from my perspective and my own marriage

 

If you are going to marry this woman you should feel comfortable being open to her and discussing how you are feeling about there being something out of place. The day I met my husband from our first date, we were open with our feelings and sharing and we played no games. A marriage must start with a secure relationship not mix of emotions but looking at this person and not only feeling love but finding comfort. If you cannot find that in this woman do not marry her and if you are the type of man you describe yourself to be then you will find a woman worth while. Don't waste time on games and stay hung up on people who play them dont fear love and dont give up on your journey in searching for that person.

Listen to your intuition if something feels out of place, it probably is and if she doesn't want to be open about it..then let her go.

[Silly_Girl]

It has been two months and we plan to marry before september this year.

 

I think this in itself - without your own misgivings - is a huge problem. I think you're walking in to a disaster.

[Dredd]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I can foresee it is going to end up bad eventually but I do not want to step back and seem like a spineless man. I already burned the ships, I can not go back. The only direction for me now is forward. I have to overcome many obstacles that lies before me. I will fight whatever the universe throws at us but something is bugging me a lot. Am I the most logical choice for her because I am trustworthy or is she in love with me? Do you think it might be me that started to lose affection towards her? The question I need an answer for is "why me all of a sudden"?

 

Stepping back is not an option for me. I know it sounds stupid but this is the way I am. Maybe I should pretend like "everything is ok" like I always do and go with the flow.

[Silly_Girl]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I can foresee it is going to end up bad eventually but I do not want to step back and seem like a spineless man. I already burned the ships, I can not go back. The only direction for me now is forward. I have to overcome many obstacles that lies before me. I will fight whatever the universe throws at us but something is bugging me a lot. Am I the most logical choice for her because I am trustworthy or is she in love with me? Do you think it might be me that started to lose affection towards her? The question I need an answer for is "why me all of a sudden"?

 

Stepping back is not an option for me. I know it sounds stupid but this is the way I am. Maybe I should pretend like "everything is ok" like I always do and go with the flow.

 

Yeah, go and hurt a lot of people as well as f***ing up her life and yours. Wouldn't want to seem 'spineless'....

[CarrieT]

I can foresee it is going to end up bad eventually but I do not want to step back and seem like a spineless man.

It takes a spine and it takes a man to STAND UP and do what is right. Stepping back is the spineless move.

 

I already burned the ships, I can not go back. The only direction for me now is forward.

Why do you believe this?

 

Am I the most logical choice for her because I am trustworthy or is she in love with me?

Sounds like because you are trustworthy. And you cannot base a life-long marriage on such a thing.

 

Do you think it might be me that started to lose affection towards her?

Could be.

 

The question I need an answer for is "why me all of a sudden"?

Because you were there?

 

Stepping back is not an option for me.

Why do you keep saying that?

 

I know it sounds stupid but this is the way I am.

It *IS* stupid to believe that you have to live your life for someone else and not be true to your core beliefs.

 

Maybe I should pretend like "everything is ok" like I always do and go with the flow.

Why? Why? Why?

 

If everything is NOT okay, what is inside you that believes you have to live your life according to others' expectations?

[MissBee]

If you have this many questions (as you rightly should since it's only been 2 months), if you haven't a clue if your wife-to-be is in love with you or is just marrying you for security, if you feel like it is "too late" --- ALL are signs you should STOP before you make a worse mistake.

 

I think you're assuming the worse in terms of how she will react. Also, if you can't be honest about your feelings with your future wife how exactly do you envision this marriage working? There will always be things to discuss, things you don't agree with etc. or will you just agree to any and all things out of fear?I doubt she will react badly to wanting to wait and I doubt your families will either. You don't even sound like you are particularly into marrying her but simply doing it out of some made up obligation...as she doesn't seem to be forcing you, neither is anyone else. She may be excited and understandably you don't want to disappoint her, but that isn't the same as duress or being pressured into it and you have every right and the freedom to slow down.

 

You are in for a life of resentment if you make decisions based on pleasing everyone else, even when you know it will "end badly", that's crazy. Do you plan on having children? Is this what you want to teach them?

Edited January 14, 2014 by MissBee