Do exes ever come back? If they do, how long would it take?

[wildsunandmoon]

My ex dumped me four months ago. We officially stopped contact in early November. It's been hard and instead of pushing forward, I keep falling into my lowest if self-esteem. The last thing I said to him when I found out he started an online dating profile and tried talking to a girl I knew he was interested when we were together was, "You don't deserve any kindness from me. I've never said anything to our mutual friends that would hurt you. It's nice to know you've message ____. You're an emotionally unstable person. Fix yourself before being with someone because you're not emotionally capable of loving someone other than yourself. You did me a favor. You were toxic and I'm glad that's out of my life." Then I blocked him. Haven't talked to him since. He called me a c**t to his friend.

 

But regardless of how angry I was, I still think about him and I care about him. I think about his well being and wonder if he's truly happy without me. I can't help but wonder if he'll come back. Everyone says that exes always do. But if that were true, wouldn't he be back by now??

[pickflicker]

No one 'always' does anything. I've had exes that reappeared after a few months, and exes that vanished forever. There's no way to predict it. Which is why biding your time and hoping they return is not the correct course of action. Picking yourself up and keeping on going, is.

[mammasita]

They usually do but the point is we shouldn't want them because we realize how effed up and retarded they are.

 

My ex came back to me. When I denied him, he went to his ex before me.

[erklat]

they come back very often. but you cant dedicate your time and happiness to them in such fashion. as soon as you pick up and dust yourself off you pave a way for that. not sooner.

[williesd]

They might or they might not come back. Problem with that, if they don't and you've waited around for six months, that's six months you could have healed and moved forward with your life. The relationship you once had, well that's gone, done. Prepare yourself for your new life moving forward. Regain who you are, he might come back and you've decided you don't want him anymore. The thing is, worrying about if they'll come back puts you in a holding pattern. As others will say, get out, get to the gym, take up a new hobby or spend time with friends to fill the void that's left. When you do things for yourself, the healing happens naturally. Ultimately, you need to be in the drivers seat if he comes back, if he doesn't then you've not wasted anything and are whole and have lots to offer to the new person. Good luck!

[kjackson1]

There is no time table on whether or not he will come back. He clearly wanted to see what else was out there. You should stop worrying about him and focus on what you are going through. Better yourself, hit the gym, find hobbies, and hang out with friends/family.

 

Healing comes with time.

 

Kjackson

[Ordinaryday]

I have found in my experience you usually (not always, and in no way guaranteed) get a breadcrumb around the six month mark, a meaningless "hi how are you?" type message.

 

they don't want to reconcile with you, they don't want you back, they just want to ease their conscience by getting a message from you letting them know that things are okay between the two of you.

 

send them this message and you will likely never hear from them again.

 

honestly it is better to just never hear from them again.

[singme2sleep]

I have found in my experience you usually (not always, and in no way guaranteed) get a breadcrumb around the six month mark, a meaningless "hi how are you?" type message.

 

they don't want to reconcile with you, they don't want you back, they just want to ease their conscience by getting a message from you letting them know that things are okay between the two of you.

 

send them this message and you will likely never hear from them again.

 

honestly it is better to just never hear from them again.

 

I didn't get even a fraction of a breadcrumb at the 6 month mark...guess my dumper has no conscience!

[pickflicker]

I didn't get even a fraction of a breadcrumb at the 6 month mark...guess my dumper has no conscience!

 

No, he just understands that a break up means that it's broken and it's done.

 

Smart man.

[singme2sleep]

No, he just understands that a break up means that it's broken and it's done.

 

Smart man.

 

Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!

 

Nothing was broken, he's just a BOY who doesn't know what he wants.

[pickflicker]

Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!

 

Nothing was broken, he's just a BOY who doesn't know what he wants.

 

Seems like he did. Break up and virtual silence? That's a guy who knows what he wants.

[Never Again]

No, he just understands that a break up means that it's broken and it's done.

 

Smart man.

 

Lack of breadcrumbs usually stems from the same source as getting breadcrumbs:

 

Guilt.

 

Nothing smart about it.

 

Some folks avoid guilt, and some seek to alleviate it.

[singme2sleep]

Ok...whatever you say! What do I know, I was just the one in the relationship. I was just the one who was promised "forever" and I was just the one who was "perfect for him". Until I suddenly wasn't anymore.

[singme2sleep]

Lack of breadcrumbs usually stems from the same source as getting breadcrumbs:

 

Guilt.

 

Nothing smart about it.

 

Some folks avoid guilt, and some seek to alleviate it.

 

Exactly.

 

I don't need to be in a relationship with him, but we were friends first and at some point a sincere apology and acknowledgement that I still existed would have been nice. It's not always about wanting the dumper to come begging to reconcile, sometimes you just want to know that at some point you mattered to them. That the whole relationship wasn't in vain.

 

[ So the dumpers who send breadcrumbs must all be completely stupid lol?!?! ]

[pickflicker]

Lack of breadcrumbs usually stems from the same source as getting breadcrumbs:

 

Guilt.

 

Nothing smart about it.

 

Some folks avoid guilt, and some seek to alleviate it.

 

I disagree. For some people, if they've finished with the relationship, they know throwing breadcrumbs their exes way only serves to hurt them.

 

And we can all see from TylerDurdenn's thread a few days ago, that there are plenty of dumpers who throw breadcrumbs purely to scratch their own itch and have no intention of 'allieviating' any guilt.

 

The only problem is, because there are no breadcrumbs, you can't be sure of the reason. I prefer to think, for when I've been dumped in the past, if I haven't heard from them it's because they're sure in their decision and not dragging it out.

 

If I look at it from a glass half full perspective, I can circumvent some of the crushing bitterness some people experience on here.

[Never Again]

I disagree. For some people, if they've finished with the relationship, they know throwing breadcrumbs their exes way only serves to hurt them.

 

And we can all see from TylerDurdenn's thread a few days ago, that there are plenty of dumpers who throw breadcrumbs purely to scratch their own itch and have no intention of 'allieviating' any guilt.

 

The only problem is, because there are no breadcrumbs, you can't be sure of the reason. I prefer to think, for when I've been dumped in the past, if I haven't heard from them it's because they're sure in their decision and not dragging it out.

 

If I look at it from a glass half full perspective, I can circumvent some of the crushing bitterness some people experience on here.

 

Understand that it's guilt doesn't change being able to see it from a "glass half full" perspective.

 

Why do dumpers avoid "dragging it out"? Because hurting someone else (again) makes then feel bad.

 

I admit that some dumpers look for an who boost, but by knowing the dumpee is "cool" with the speaking with them, I'm sure many dumpers feel better. It's the "Hey! They don't hate me and are responding! If they aren't hurt anymore, I don't have to feel bad!"

 

When you break someone's heart, even if you're sure about the decision, you're going to feel bad unless you have no heart. People handle guilt in different ways, but I still believe that guilt and relief are the two feelings most dumpers deal with.

[singme2sleep]

I disagree. For some people, if they've finished with the relationship, they know throwing breadcrumbs their exes way only serves to hurt them.

 

And we can all see from TylerDurdenn's thread a few days ago, that there are plenty of dumpers who throw breadcrumbs purely to scratch their own itch and have no intention of 'allieviating' any guilt.

 

The only problem is, because there are no breadcrumbs, you can't be sure of the reason. I prefer to think, for when I've been dumped in the past, if I haven't heard from them it's because they're sure in their decision and not dragging it out.

 

If I look at it from a glass half full perspective, I can circumvent some of the crushing bitterness some people experience on here.

 

How is believing your ex is totally done with you and over it all, glass half full??

[singme2sleep]

Understand that it's guilt doesn't change being able to see it from a "glass half full" perspective.

 

Why do dumpers avoid "dragging it out"? Because hurting someone else (again) makes then feel bad.

 

I admit that some dumpers look for an who boost, but by knowing the dumpee is "cool" with the speaking with them, I'm sure many dumpers feel better. It's the "Hey! They don't hate me and are responding! If they aren't hurt anymore, I don't have to feel bad!"

 

When you break someone's heart, even if you're sure about the decision, you're going to feel bad unless you have no heart. People handle guilt in different ways, but I still believe that guilt and relief are the two feelings most dumpers deal with.

 

Sometimes I also think they just block out all thoughts of the dumpee and if they're hurting. And if they quickly get with someone new, the new relationship distracts them from sending any breadcrumbs...Unless that person dumps them.

[Simon Phoenix]

How is believing your ex is totally done with you and over it all, glass half full??

 

Because it allows you to move forward and live your life instead of being stuck in a constant cycle of self-loathing and false hope. I mean, at this point your ex isn't holding you back -- you are holding yourself back by refusing to accept the reality that things are over.

 

As for the OP's question, there's no set time. It could be weeks, months, years, decades, or not at all. It's best to treat it as "not at all" and then call an audible (if you choose) if they ever contact you. If you are moving forward instead of sitting there like a pud looking back at something that's not there, then you'll be in a better place to logically evaluate if you want anything to do with your ex.

[pickflicker]

How is believing your ex is totally done with you and over it all, glass half full??

 

Because by doing that, they have exited a relationship they weren't "all in" for, and freed me up to find someone who wants what I want.

 

It's how I've seen past breaks up, and if there is a break up in my future, I will see it that way again.

[OhThatGirl]

I'm in a very similar situation (you can read my original thread)..

 

I was seeing someone for a year, things were getting a bit more serious, and then my assistant at work told me she saw him on Match.com and he had been active within 24 hours on the site.

 

So. I heard great advice from another coworker (go home for the holidays, think about it, come back and decide what you want to do about it).. And I ignored the advice. Ended it immediately. Returned his things when he wasn't home and left for my trip. I didn't get an apology from him, I got defensiveness and excuses. (It wasn't "active".. It auto renewed.. Said it was unfair I could keep my options open and he couldn't.. Right.)

 

Now thinking back I should have probably handled it differently. Asked questions and drawn a line and held my ground. At least then I would know for sure if he was willing or not. But... I'm in a way happy I didn't. The relationship was probably doomed from the start. I know what I want, he wasn't able to confirm he wanted the same things. When talks of marriage or kids came up I would hear "I wish I could give you the answers.." Huh.

 

So I battle with wanting to hear from him. I'd like it hear him say it was a big mistake and he lost something important to him and wants it back. Knowing him, it won't happen even if he feels that way. The most I got was "Me too, I liked you a lot" when I told him I was sorry things didn't work out for us. (Actually sounds cold but this is the most he EVER talked about his feelings. Ever. It was usually "I like you" even when actions would say a bit more than that)

 

But... It's time to move on. Even if he said the things I want to hear him say, I don't believe it would change the outcome. I don't want to be with someone who is so unsatisfied with me that he is looking for something else.

 

You should do the same. Don't worry about HIM. Know that YOU have standards, that this behavior was completely unacceptable, that YOU don't accept it. Knowing that this was a friend and she told you means he struck out.. What if he hadn't? Do you want to hear from someone that could have cheated? Nah. You want to hear from someone who would never in a million years consider doing such a thing.

 

Just rest assured that he got busted, he knows it, you deserve better, and keep moving on.

 

It's interesting we have a very similar case though. Keep me updated with how you're feeling. Even though I'm the "woman with standards that won't accept this" it's still gnawing at me. I'm hoping by staying in NC I start to feel better about these "absolute standards" I have because it doesn't always feel like the right thing... Even when I KNOW it is.

[OhThatGirl]

Oh. Oops. I misread. I thought he had tried to get together with the friend BEFORE you were broken up.

 

Ah well. Doesn't really change much. You were hurt. By him. Maybe you hear from him down the road but I hope by then it just doesn't even phase you.

 

Don't wait for it. You'd be letting a lot of great opportunities go by.

 

Not sure if this is one of your first relationships or not, but regardless I'm always comforted in the line "after a relationship ends you always think 'I'll never love like that again'"... But you do. At least in my experience, I keep learning about myself and seeing that I couldn't be happy in past relationships. It was good they didn't work out. Each relationship is better suited for the person I have become. (Makes me really fearful of marriage but also makes breakup a a h*ll of a lot easier!!)

[singme2sleep]

Because it allows you to move forward and live your life instead of being stuck in a constant cycle of self-loathing and false hope. I mean, at this point your ex isn't holding you back -- you are holding yourself back by refusing to accept the reality that things are over.

 

As for the OP's question, there's no set time. It could be weeks, months, years, decades, or not at all. It's best to treat it as "not at all" and then call an audible (if you choose) if they ever contact you. If you are moving forward instead of sitting there like a pud looking back at something that's not there, then you'll be in a better place to logically evaluate if you want anything to do with your ex.

 

I never said that I didn't accept the relationship is over, it's over. He made his bed and now he's laying in it with someone else.

[RDawg]

I have never experienced an ex "coming back" as in wanting to reconcile.

 

My current ex and I still own a property together so we will have to be in contact in the months ahead. At the moment it's strictly business but we have not closed the door on a friendship at some point down the line.

 

She is the first one I have had where I have had the desire to keep her in my life in some capacity. Whilst I miss the good times I am moving quite nicely to the point of accepting that our relationship was unsustainable. We had a lot of fun and learnt some valuable lessons.

 

As the saying goes: sometimes it's for life, sometimes for a season and sometimes for a reason..

[sw2020]

Every ex I've had has come back at some point whether dumper or dumpee.

 

I've never had a totally clean break. My current on/off situation is by far the messiest but also the most beneficial as far as learning and becoming a better person go.