Need advice about a man's actions

[Shelley]

I was dating a guy for awhile (several months) and were intimately involved. I thought everything was going well. We got along everytime we were together. We seen each other several times a week. Slowly he became less and less intimate and I would like to know why this could be. We have sort of split up because he said that maybe we should date other people, but he still calls me and we still see each other to "do" dinner or a movie and I don't think he is actively pursuing anyone else. We are not intimately involved any longer and I don't know if it is because he is scared of things moving too fast or if I just don't turn him on any longer. He claims that he doesn't have as strong feelings for me as I do for him...or could it be that he is just scared? At one time we could not part company without having sex. I have a hard time believing that a guy who was once an "animal" and couldn't get enough of me just became turned off. Please help me understand what could be going through his mind.

[Tony T]

Anticipation is far more fulfilling than consumation. You gave yourself to him freely and were at his complete disposal. A man will get tired of that very quickly. You were just too available, to predictable and too nice. Most men will get pretty bored with that eventually.

 

If you still have an interest in him, make plans with other people and don't be available every time he calls to "do" dinner. At intervals, don't return his calls for two or three days. Make yourself scarse.

 

You've also got to make the relationship mean a lot more than sex. There has to be lots of stimulating conversation, going places, doing things, etc. But it's too late for that right now. You won't get that opportunity unless you can win him back over.

 

The only way you will get him interested again is to try absolutely as little as possible.

 

You said he was an animal at one time. Well, animals like to chase. They don't just want stuff presented on a silver platter.

 

If you don't understand this concept, I'm sure some of your girlfriends will fill you in on it. It's pretty basic stuff.

[Shelley]

Actually I didn't get into that much detail in the initial posting in order to save space, but we did have more in our relationship. We did have stimulating conversations and we did alot of stuff together. We would make dinner once a week for each other and go to movies, clubs and various other events. He still calls me for advice on decisions that he needs to make. I didn't mean for it to sound like it was purely physical because it wasn't. I think he had feelings for me and pretty strong ones.

[Rachel]

Has the physical part become non-existent?

 

What specifically happened (that you can recall) , that was the turning point in your sexual relationship?

 

How do you know he really is "emotionally" involved?

[Tony T]

Advice is the same. Ignore what does not apply.

[Shelley]

Basically, yes...there is no physical contact other than giving each other hugs and kisses on the cheek. When we are together, we usually end up going to his house after dinner or whatever we do and I often give him a massage because he enjoys them and I enjoy doing this.

 

He still cares about my well being and what goes on in my life and this is why I think he has feelings for me. I think he tried to distance himself because he was thinking about moving away for a job and he still tosses this around as a possibility. He told me at one point that he had an issue with our physical contact because he doesn't want to be as involved with someone in case he would leave it would be easier for him to leave.

 

When he told me that we should see other people he said a week or so later that maybe it was a mistake that we "broke" up since we do get along very well and enjoy each other's company. His previous relationship was close to 2 years ago and she was very demanding while I am totally opposite and self-sufficient.

 

I have given him his time and space and I pretty much don't call him even though I want to so bad. Like I said, he continues to call me and he even called me to take me to dinner for my birthday even though some of his friends had planned to take him out for his birthday the same weekend.

 

Maybe I am wasting my time but this relationship has just felt right from the very beginning. We used to say to each other that it seems like we've known each other for a long time because we are so comfortable together.

[Maffy]

Wow. I have no advice for you because i could have written your posting. I just went through the same thing with a guy. It's very bizarre that they want sex but are afraid of the consequences (the risk of falling in love). That's the way i see it. I read recently that men loose that 'animal' like passion when questions arise like 'where is this going', 'how do i feel about her', 'how does she perceive me', etc... If that's true, it sucks!! It's like emotions and uncertainty inhibits his desire. Where as it fuels it for women. Is there any way to reconcile such a difference ?

 

Tony was saying we shouldnt be so available and manifest our feelings too quickly. Sure i get that logic, but how long do you have to keep that game up?!! After a few month, if you have feelings there going to show!

 

In my case as well he did want to stay in touch as friends, but I dont want to settle for half of a relationship as i did too many times before.

 

I sympathise.

I was dating a guy for awhile (several months) and were intimately involved. I thought everything was going well. We got along everytime we were together. We seen each other several times a week. Slowly he became less and less intimate and I would like to know why this could be. We have sort of split up because he said that maybe we should date other people, but he still calls me and we still see each other to "do" dinner or a movie and I don't think he is actively pursuing anyone else. We are not intimately involved any longer and I don't know if it is because he is scared of things moving too fast or if I just don't turn him on any longer. He claims that he doesn't have as strong feelings for me as I do for him...or could it be that he is just scared? At one time we could not part company without having sex. I have a hard time believing that a guy who was once an "animal" and couldn't get enough of me just became turned off. Please help me understand what could be going through his mind.

[WGirl]

I am thinking that he is losing interest from the sounds of it. In my experiences with relationships, when the guy starts to back off it means that there is a problem in the relationship. Part of it could be a fear of commitment or the relationship has just fizzled out.

I was dating a guy for awhile (several months) and were intimately involved. I thought everything was going well. We got along everytime we were together. We seen each other several times a week. Slowly he became less and less intimate and I would like to know why this could be. We have sort of split up because he said that maybe we should date other people, but he still calls me and we still see each other to "do" dinner or a movie and I don't think he is actively pursuing anyone else. We are not intimately involved any longer and I don't know if it is because he is scared of things moving too fast or if I just don't turn him on any longer. He claims that he doesn't have as strong feelings for me as I do for him...or could it be that he is just scared? At one time we could not part company without having sex. I have a hard time believing that a guy who was once an "animal" and couldn't get enough of me just became turned off. Please help me understand what could be going through his mind.

[WGirl]

If I seem too available, I am not too appealling.

 

Yet if I seemed to have 20 guys on my tail, it is that much more exciting. That must explain why I have guys chasing me when I have a boyfriend and none when I don't. Men say they don't like when you play hard to get but apparently they do. There are just too many games. You're too available, not available enough, you're a tease, she's a whore--you just can't win.

Anticipation is far more fulfilling than consumation. You gave yourself to him freely and were at his complete disposal. A man will get tired of that very quickly. You were just too available, to predictable and too nice. Most men will get pretty bored with that eventually. If you still have an interest in him, make plans with other people and don't be available every time he calls to "do" dinner. At intervals, don't return his calls for two or three days. Make yourself scarse. You've also got to make the relationship mean a lot more than sex. There has to be lots of stimulating conversation, going places, doing things, etc. But it's too late for that right now. You won't get that opportunity unless you can win him back over. The only way you will get him interested again is to try absolutely as little as possible.

 

You said he was an animal at one time. Well, animals like to chase. They don't just want stuff presented on a silver platter. If you don't understand this concept, I'm sure some of your girlfriends will fill you in on it. It's pretty basic stuff.

[Shelley]

The funny thing about this whole situation is that I wasn't looking to date anyone at the time I met this guy. I pretty much had enough of the "games" that men play and I sort of initially gave him the "brush-off". However, I reluctantly went to dinner for the first date and I had the idea in the back of my mind that this was just going to be a free dinner and I will be on my way. He was different though...he listened to me when I talked and asked questions as I did him. He also told me that he doesn't like when women play games and play hard to get. I truly do have feelings for him yet. He tells me that he doesn't deserve me. I am not sure if his friends have planted some seeds of doubt in his head or if it is all just his doubts.

 

I don't understand how a guy can make a 360 degree turn in the matter of 8-9 months. I let him run the relationship in the respect of when he called and when we went out. I didn't want to seem pushy so I didn't call him but he would call me practically everyday. Men...they should come with an instruction manual...and people say women are difficult to understand.

[Shelley]

I asked him what is wrong. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me what he didn't like about me or our relationship and he didn't have an answer. I told him when he wanted to split up if there was something that I did that bothered him to tell me so I can use it for future reference. He said that there wasn't anything. So either he is afraid of being honest or there is something wrong with me.

[WGirl]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It sounds like he just doesn't want to tell you the whole truth. Maybe he is afraid of hurting you more by doing that.

I asked him what is wrong. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me what he didn't like about me or our relationship and he didn't have an answer. I told him when he wanted to split up if there was something that I did that bothered him to tell me so I can use it for future reference. He said that there wasn't anything. So either he is afraid of being honest or there is something wrong with me.