What about your A made (or makes) you think you would have made it?

[EverySunset]

I read a lot of threads on LS about why A's don't work out, but I never seem to really see the concrete reasons on why people started their A or continued it because they thought it would be *different*. Why they feel like they were going to make it, not fall into the A formula of hurt. I feel like people do see their relationships as different or unique, mostly because I can't believe anyone would rush headlong into them knowing they would absolutely get their heart broken.

 

I had an EA while I was still M but waited to make it physical until after I was separated, if it mattered. We had been best friends for 8 years and then much lighter (even rare) contact for another 9 or 10 when we both got seriously involved and married. Then reignited when we both had epic M failures and ::poof:: total runaway EA. I've known my MM half my life.

 

That's a few reasons among many in the "reasons for success" categories I hope, for me and my MM. Anyone, including me, can poke holes in them, but they are some of my reasons for the faith I have in my relationship.

 

How about you?

[MissBee]

Hmmm...while people don't dive headlong knowing they will get hurt, I think usually the hope and then the "this is different" feeling comes after the fact of already being in the A and having feelings and simply wanting it to be true. It isn't usually the case that they have calculated that it will be different based on xyz factors then embark on an A.Usually, it seems like after one is already in the A and are invested is when there are benefits to such thinking. One could argue that it's simply an inevitable part of falling for someone, you want to beat the odds and it's not much about facts, figures or even weighing things based on the situation, but hope counts for a lot and most people ride on that even when red flags or blatant inconsistencies are looking them in the face. Hope is very powerful, for better or worse.

 

Also, wanted to be sure about what you're asking: are you asking for people who are now with the MP to say why they felt it would work? Or are you asking even those whose As who didn't work out to explain why at the time they thought it would be different?

[oldshirt]

The odds of winning the Powerball lottery is 1 in 175,223,510.

 

 

Millions of people still buy tickets every day because they think they are going to be the one that wins.

[MissBee]

The odds of winning the Powerball lottery is 1 in 175,223,510.

 

 

Millions of people still buy tickets every day because they think they are going to be the one that wins.

 

Yea which speaks to my point that hope is irrational in lots of ways and I think that is more so what happens with most people, that their hope comes first and that hope then provides "reasons it will work" and not that most people have any evidence or proof that it's different.

 

For few people it does seem to work out and be different, just like it is for some lotto winners. But also like the lottery, for most others, all the hope in the world and feeling that it was different didn't in fact result in a "win" for them.

 

But I'm waiting for the OP to clarify who she's addressing the question to, as it's an interesting topic, either way. Whether it is why those whose As didn't work thought it would have been different as well as for those whose did, why did they think it would be, or did they even think so?

 

For me, I think my mentality was a bit different than some, as the A was never thought of in terms of will we end up together, will he leave etc. I think I always knew it would be temporary. I was no less in love, frustrated, demanding on his time, wanting more...but while I felt all of that I didn't think of it being different in terms of working out. What I did think though, still do, was that we genuinely did love each other and he was one of the people in the world who was in my "group of ones." So that connection was what I felt was different and what did lead us to getting back together post-A.

Edited January 14, 2014 by MissBee

[goodyblue]

My guy and I were friends for a long time too. Of course that is one of the reasons. He's my very best friend and we laugh all day long. The physical part of it is fantastic too. We have similar value systems and ways of living. We also made a plan at the beginning of the A that we would be together, set a date, had milestones in between and made sure to meet them. We had a common goal.

 

Just a few of the reasons why I think it worked for us.

[Got it]

Just take things one day at a time. Hasn't been a bad strategy yet.

[EverySunset]

 

Also, wanted to be sure about what you're asking: are you asking for people who are now with the MP to say why they felt it would work? Or are you asking even those whose As who didn't work out to explain why at the time they thought it would be different?

 

Hi MB! Actually both. People in A's (if they still are, the ones that wanna end up with their AP) and/or people who watched it end.

 

And while I know most do wanna hit the lucky numbers, I'm super interested in the reasons why they think their relationship is different from the affair blueprint that emerges so much on LS. If someone felt like they have the formula beat like someone going to Vegas with a plan on how to beat the house... That kinda thing.

 

To expound a wee bit, I personally hold to the fact that my AP and I have known each other a couple decades as friends so I feel like I'd know if he's pursuing his own agenda, and call him out. I don't think I'd be half as comfortable in this with someone new. That scares me. But maybe that's good scary to someone else? A reason - because their AP is so new to a situation thats not working, it must be an opposite approach is the right one?I dunno. That's the reason I'm here

Edited January 14, 2014 by EverySunset

[PurpleCardigan]

I was naive but when he told me he loved me and he made love to me tenderly (versus just the release or fun of sex) I thought we would make it. I was wrong.

[cocorico]

I read a lot of threads on LS about why A's don't work out, but I never seem to really see the concrete reasons on why people started their A or continued it because they thought it would be *different*. Why they feel like they were going to make it, not fall into the A formula of hurt. I feel like people do see their relationships as different or unique, mostly because I can't believe anyone would rush headlong into them knowing they would absolutely get their heart broken.

 

I had an EA while I was still M but waited to make it physical until after I was separated, if it mattered. We had been best friends for 8 years and then much lighter (even rare) contact for another 9 or 10 when we both got seriously involved and married. Then reignited when we both had epic M failures and ::poof:: total runaway EA. I've known my MM half my life.

 

That's a few reasons among many in the "reasons for success" categories I hope, for me and my MM. Anyone, including me, can poke holes in them, but they are some of my reasons for the faith I have in my relationship.

 

How about you?

 

I did not go into it thinking it would be "different" or hoping he would dump her. I wanted some hot loving in a part-time capacity from someone who would have their other needs taken care of elsewhere.

 

And then, things changed. We decided we wanted to be together. At that point, there was nothing to say anything was "different" - we were brutally honest with each other - but most, of not all, couples feel that. He prioritised me, treated me with respect and care - but I would not have been in a R with anyone who did not do that. We shared dreams, hopes, values and interests - but that is probably true of almost all As.

 

It became "different" only at the point that we moved in together, kept each other as priorities, kept working at our R and reaffirmed each day how blessed we are to be together. It is different because each day we decide anew that we want to be with each other more than anything else, and we make it so.