Is it possible to reconcile after 2 separations?

[elevenbot]

I've been visiting this site for the last couple of years and this is the first timeI'm posting my situation.

 

Me and my wife are currently separated for the second time in two years. The first time was due to me being neglectful to her and our children. At the time we had just moved back to our hometown and the job that I was about to get that I thought was pretty much a guarantee fell through and I ended up being unemployed for 3 months. I ended up going through a depression during this time and when I finally found a job I spent too much time away from my family trying to impress my bosses and working long hours trying to move my way up in the company. My wife did everything she could during this time to keep us financially afloat, she got us on government assistance during the time and went to various churches to find help to keep the bills paid. Instead of being suppostive and grateful that she was doing these things I was resentful and ashamed that we had to resort to charity and I grew ashamed of myself that I couldn't provide for my family. She finally got tired of the way I was treating her and the boys and kicked me out. We were separated for 3 months and during the time I improved my relationship with my sons but improving my relationship with my wife was a more difficult matter since I was begging her and pleading with her to give me another chance but it only drove her further away. After 3 months I decided I was going to go stay with my sister and brother in law and seek better employment out of town. Then about a week later I had gotten a call from her saying she missed me and wanted to start working things out between us. I was overjoyed that she decided to give our marriage another chance. We had officially gotten back together and things were going great. But then a few months later I found out through her leaving her Skype account open that she had been sleeping with a good friend of ours (and the best man at our wedding) while we were separated. I was devastated. I confronted her about itand she was very remorseful. I forgave her for it, I never thought I would be able to forgive someone for cheating on me but I love her very much and. I forgave her for it. Trust issues did arise from it though since she did tell me afterwards that she hoped I would never find out about it out of fear of me leaving her and an insecurity built up in me since the time the ex friend broke off the relationship with her was only a week before she took me back. It got me wondering if the only reason she wanted me back was because he didn't want to be with her anymore.

 

Fast forward to this past September, our marriage I had been going great. I wasn't letting my trust issues and insecurities get the best of me. We ended upmoving in with her parents since the property we were living on belonged to her parents and they had a potential buyer for it, they offered us to move in with them and save money to get a place of our own. That ended up being a huge mistake. I ended up getting hit in our car from behind and our car got totaled from it. That put us in a lot of financial stress since we had to get another car with payments now, her mom charges us up the ass with helping out with bills(which we weren't even going to have to pay when she was convincing us to move in with them) and us not going to see a settlement payment for the next few months while the insurance companies fight it out. Its made both me and my wife miserable and stressed out and then I noticed my wife being emotionally distant during this time and when asking her about wwhat was wrong we ended up getting into a huge fight and she ended up telling me she wanted a divorce. Her main issue being that I should have a better job and I'm not fullfilling my potential in life. She was all about divorcing me until we decided to tell our oldest son what was going on since I was going to be moving in with my dad. She broke down emotionally and said she didn't want to jump into anything she would end up regretting and we decided on going through another separation until we were both happy again and we figured out what we wanted to do with our lives and be more financially secure. I have decided that I'm going to go back to college and pursue a career in law enforcement. She is going to move up in her field of work were she's a vet tech since her boss is going to pay for her school.

 

However since the past few weeks we've been separated my insecurities have arisen again. I've noticed that she's taken her marriage status off her facebook profile, goes out a lot with her friends while I have the kids, and doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore. All things she did the last time we were separated. Things came to a head yesterday after dropping the boys off at her parents house from having them for the weekend I decided to help her with the laundry since she had a lot to do. While folding some clothes I heard her phone go off and I noticed she had a text from another guy saying he missed her too and they should go get lunch soon. This infuriated me and I confronted her about it. She claims it was just from a guy friend she hasn't seen in a while and they were going to catch up during lunch. We got into a big fight about it and she said she doesn't have time to be seeking anything with another guy and that her focus was on her career and our sons. I apologized if it was just a friend of hers but that I couldn't help being insecure and getting upset about it due to what happened the last time we were separated. She then blamed me for her losing contact with her guy friends because of how I act anytime she talks to them. After that I heard enough and left.

 

Basically I just want advice on where to go from here and if its possible to reconcile after a second separation. I apologize for the long post but I just wanted to try to get the whole story in.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

General age range? Years married?

 

Have you and she had any marriage counseling? If yes, how did it go? If no, would you/she consider it as a condition of reconciliation?

 

Are you ready to divorce if you cannot successfully reconcile this time?

 

I can tell you what our psychologist shared about separation: 'People separate to get divorced'

 

Your wife having sexual relations with the best man at your wedding while separated is indicative of this kind of behavioral process. She evidently felt it was 'appropriate' to go a bit 'crazy' since you and she weren't apparently 'together'. That's how people get divorced. The marriage becomes broken down.

 

Myself, I'd make an appointment with a MC and invite her to join me. If she didn't show up, my next appointment would be with my lawyer and she'd be served within the business week. Don't screw around. You see what back and forth has gotten you so far. Good luck.

[elevenbot]

Welcome to LS.

 

General age range? Years married?

 

Have you and she had any marriage counseling? If yes, how did it go? If no, would you/she consider it as a condition of reconciliation?

 

Are you ready to divorce if you cannot successfully reconcile this time?

 

I can tell you what our psychologist shared about separation: 'People separate to get divorced'

 

Your wife having sexual relations with the best man at your wedding while separated is indicative of this kind of behavioral process. She evidently felt it was 'appropriate' to go a bit 'crazy' since you and she weren't apparently 'together'. That's how people get divorced. The marriage becomes broken down.

 

Myself, I'd make an appointment with a MC and invite her to join me. If she didn't show up, my next appointment would be with my lawyer and she'd be served within the business week. Don't screw around. You see what back and forth has gotten you so far. Good luck.

 

 

 

I'm 28, she's 26 and we've been married for 7 years.

 

 

 

We've had some counseling with a pastor at the church we were going to at the time. It didn't go as well as I wanted it to. I was suspecting of something going on between her and our "friend" during the separation since they seemed to be spending a lot of time together and it got brought up. She denied anything going on between them. The pastor convinced me that nothing probably was going on since my wife seemed like she was a good wife and honest person. As far as any profesional counseling no.

 

As far as getting counseling as a condition of reconciling its a must for me since I still have trust and insecurity issues stemming from our first separation that should have been worked on when we got back together.

 

I hope it doesn't end in divorce, I do love her after everything we've been through but if she isn't willing to work on our marriage it looks like that's the road that will need to be taken.

[M30USA]

Two things concern me greatly:

 

1) Your wife cheated on you. It was a physical affair. With your best man, nonetheless. It doesn't matter if you were "separated". You are still married. Unless you both agreed to date other people and have sex with other people, it's infidelity--no ifs ands or buts.

 

2) Her reason for divorcing is that you don't make more money and aren't motivated in life? First of all, you're living in America. Even if you are on poverty level here, you're still better off than 80% of the world. Chew on that. Your wife is a joke for thinking that. Secondly, you don't sound unmotivated to me. You said you are seeking better employed. What else does she expect? What else does she want?

 

Your wife seems like the poorer character between the two of you. The only thing you seem guilty of is depression and being "distant" with your kids. But compare that with getting cheated on with your best man and its not even close. She sounds like the kind of woman who feels like she's ENTITLED to a great life and, if something doesn't go her way, she believes it's a license to do whatever she wants.

[M30USA]

The pastor convinced me that nothing probably was going on since my wife seemed like she was a good wife and honest person.

 

"...seemed..."

 

Your pastor needs to wisen up a little and realize, as the Bible says, that we are not to judge by appearances but rather with right judgement and wisdom. Even a 6 year old knows that things aren't always what they seem. He should have reserved from making any opinion at all if he didnt know the situation well.

[carhill]

If trying counseling again, engage a professional counselor who is proficient in recovering marriages where there has been infidelity/separation. Interview them just like you would an employee for a job. They're going to be working for you. What's their plan of action?

 

With young women such actions may be transitory; for an older woman it's likely she's 'checked out' and the M is effectively done. I recall many examples of similar MW's in my 20's and a couple of 'unknown' affairs started with 'separated' women I thought were single at the time. Of course, your best man knew your wife was married. No doubt about that. Yikes.

[elevenbot]

Two things concern me greatly:

 

1) Your wife cheated on you. It was a physical affair. With your best man, nonetheless. It doesn't matter if you were "separated". You are still married. Unless you both agreed to date other people and have sex with other people, it's infidelity--no ifs ands or buts.

 

2) Her reason for divorcing is that you don't make more money and aren't motivated in life? First of all, you're living in America. Even if you are on poverty level here, you're still better off than 80% of the world. Chew on that. Your wife is a joke for thinking that. Secondly, you don't sound unmotivated to me. You said you are seeking better employed. What else does she expect? What else does she want?

 

Your wife seems like the poorer character between the two of you. The only thing you seem guilty of is depression and being "distant" with your kids. But compare that with getting cheated on with your best man and its not even close. She sounds like the kind of woman who feels like she's ENTITLED to a great life and, if something doesn't go her way, she believes it's a license to do whatever she wants.

 

I agree with her feeling entitled to a great life. I understand she wants to give our sons the kind of life we both never had as children but it also takes time and hard work to fulfill that. Since we've been togther she's always wanted the kind of life that my older sister and her husband have. My brother in lawis retired from the Navy and is currently a California highway patrol officer. They've been through a lot with her being the main parent to raise the children while he was deployed for months at a time. It was hard on both of them for several years until he finally retired. They go on several trips throughout the year whenever they have time and are enjoying life more than ever before. Becasue of this my wife pressured me to try enlisting in the military which is something I've never really wanted to do. She thinks if I did it would solve all our problems but I saw it as something that would create new ones. I wouldn't be able to handle being deployed for months at a time and being away from my family, plus with her past actions and the distrust I have built up I would go crazy and be miserable wondering what she was doing while I was gone. I have always wanted a career in law enforcement since it seemed a slightly better alternative than the military and I would at least get to see my family at the end of the day instead of after several months at a time. She was always against it and was worried that I could get killed while on the job (which apparently would never happen to me in the military according to her). The thing she seems to not understand is that my sisters and her husbands marriage has been successful is because they always stood by eachothers side whether things were bad or things were good. They always supported eachother. It seems with us when things are good they are good but when things are bad she wants out. I would never have thought of leaving my wife just because things were not the way I wanted them to be at the moment.

[elevenbot]

Here's an update on my situation. After having the boys for the afternoon and dropping them off my wife called me to tell me my oldest son was crying and upset about something. I tried talking to him to see if he would tell me what was upsetting him. He refused to tell me and said he didn't want to talk about it. I told him if he ever needed to talk I was there to listen.

 

Later in the night my wife called me back to tell me that he finally told her what was wrong. He was upset that I had left after dropping them off and wanted me to stay. He told her that he wants us to be a family again and that he thinks its his fault that were not together anymore. My wife assured him that it was not his fault and that we may or may not get back together again but that whatever happened we loved him. This is heartbreaking to hear and I didn't want this to affect them like that. Anyways I'm looking for advice on how to handle this situation. Anyone out there been in a similiar situation?

[RightThere]

He told her that he wants us to be a family again and that he thinks its his fault that were not together anymore. My wife assured him that it was not his fault and that we may or may not get back together again but that whatever happened we loved him. This is heartbreaking to hear and I didn't want this to affect them like that. Anyways I'm looking for advice on how to handle this situation. Anyone out there been in a similiar situation?

 

Kids will often feel like it's their fault their parents separated.

 

"If only I had cleaned my room my parents wouldn't fight"

 

Your kids will just need lots of hugs and reassurance that they didn't do anything wrong. You can't tell them enough how much you love them and that they didn't do anything wrong.

 

But it's OK to tell them mom and dad aren't getting back together, but you'll both see them all the time.

[M30USA]

It's hard to understand WHY kids would think it's their fault for the divorce, but they definitely do. Even though my kids haven't voiced this yet, I still make sure to tell at least the older one that they are GOOD KIDS and it's NOT THEIR FAULT and that YOUR DADDY AND MOMMY BOTH LOVE YOU.

[OpheliaSong]

"...seemed..."

 

Your pastor needs to wisen up a little and realize, as the Bible says, that we are not to judge by appearances but rather with right judgement and wisdom. Even a 6 year old knows that things aren't always what they seem. He should have reserved from making any opinion at all if he didnt know the situation well.

 

Maybe but most pastors are trained in counseling so it is possible that their pastor saw something in that situation the OP isn't presenting. I would trust a third party pastor before the one sided views of the OP anyway because the OP is wanting to present himself in a better light. Pastors usually don't take sides so I question if this is an accurate portrayal of the situation.

OP, get some real MC if you need more than just general religious advice. You both sound like you are struggling with communication. Even if separated it my help with children's issues.

Edited January 16, 2014 by OpheliaSong