SunsetRed Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Just wondering..what type of scenario do you see for yourselves? Most OWs want the MM to leave the W, but how do you see it happening from there? Do you see him immediately moving in w you? Do you see the two of you getting a place together and waiting for the D to be final? Do you see him getting his own place and dating you? Just wondering what type of scenario's you all see for yourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I never wanted xmm to leave his W and move in with me for numerous reasons including my kids, his kids, and because I think in order for us to have a healthy relationship I think it would have been important for him to leave and be on his own for a while. Tbh I always told him I didn't think he SHOULD ever leave his W because I would never put up with what she does. So many conflicting feelings Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 What HE wants is to sell his home and build a house for us in my city (which is also where he works) soon after the D is final. He'd originally talked about me moving in to his house with myself and the kids (as he owns his and I rent), but the house is not big enough for us all and it's a longer commute than I'd like my teens to drive to school (especially in the Winter b/c it's got some rough roads). IF it happens, I honestly don't know what I want at this point. IF it happens, I imagine we'll slowly mesh our lives together, maybe spending some weekends together (when the kids are at their dad's house), spend more time together during the week, have him spend more time with the kids to see if they get along together (they have been very limited in time with him at this point) and see if we even like each other once we're together on a less restricted basis (I have voiced this concern many times and he thinks I'm crazy). Honestly, I see it pretty much being like starting a new relationship in terms of getting used to each other outside of the A dynamic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 God, in my head I had such a sweet little life planned out for us. Together against all odds. Merging our lives seamlessly. No worries, no hard feelings. Happiness trumps all, right?! A perfect, fancy little fantasy with no reason, rationality or reality. I guess that's why they call it being CRAZY in love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 (edited) I'm not currently an OW and it was never a huge thing on my mind when I was, but what I did want from him wasn't marriage, moving in anywhere or anything, as at that stage in life it was simply not on my radar with anyone. I just wanted the chance to date openly, have the relationship grow openly and organically without the glass ceiling, so to speak, and I felt like as with any other R, once we had a chance to be open and date freely, other things would fall into place. We would either naturally grow together or separate, but in the box of the A it was sooo difficult to figure out what was "organic" from what wasn't. If I were an OW now it would be the same thing. I'm not one for moving in with a bf in general so me moving with him or him me wouldn't happen esp not while he is "waiting for D" or anytime soon after he divorced. He would need to live on his own and date me and we'd need to be an open couple and see how that goes and gradually increase the commitment as we go along. Which is what happened for me, except he didn't leave for me, we broke up went NC and got back together when he was single and I was single too some years after the A. And even so, it didn't work out, but it was good to know that outside of the A dynamic. Edited January 14, 2014 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Tbh I always told him I didn't think he SHOULD ever leave his W because I would never put up with what she does. At the risk of t/j'ing, how does you rationalize this? (And I'm not trying to be condescending.) Is it that you ONLY see him as "A" material? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Just wondering..what type of scenario do you see for yourselves? Most OWs want the MM to leave the W, but how do you see it happening from there? Do you see him immediately moving in w you? Do you see the two of you getting a place together and waiting for the D to be final? Do you see him getting his own place and dating you? My recollection was that I wished to date the MW as normal and grow a relationship over time, just as with any other circumstance. Any affair wouldn't be a 'jump start' in any way. I would go on for many years, and through other relationships, before living with anyone, and that would be the lady I married after I married her. So my 'best' version would have been her growing her 'separation' into a divorce, living solo, processing the divorce and its effects on her children, then slowly growing a relationship over time. As it worked out, she would do exactly that many years later with the guy she's currently living with, with both of them beginning their relationship while both married and going through the divorce processes and dating and later living together, over a period of about ten years, with her adult children getting used to him and his teenagers getting used to her, over time. It appears to be working. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Just wondering..what type of scenario do you see for yourselves? Most OWs want the MM to leave the W, but how do you see it happening from there? Do you see him immediately moving in w you? Do you see the two of you getting a place together and waiting for the D to be final? Do you see him getting his own place and dating you? Just wondering what type of scenario's you all see for yourselves. Our plan was for us to move in together as soon as we could. As it happened, he was ready about 6 months before I was, so he and his kids had about six months together before I joined them, and his D was finalised about six months later. As it turned out that was not a bad thing. It allowed him time to re establish a solid R with his kids that was not tainted with the BS's presence, to establish proper ground rules and "normal" ways of living, so that there were not too many adjustments for them all at once. It also allowed him the headspace of leaving the toxic R behind him so that he could start fresh without dragging that negative energy into the new context. At the time, though, it felt hard - we had an established R and were ready to be together, and having to slow it down because of external circumstances seemed unfair. Especially as he was going through difficult circumstances and I felt resentful that I could not be on hand to support him the way I would have liked. Link to post Share on other sites
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