Trouble regaining my normalcy

[Heraclius]

Hi all. First post here...I need some help getting over my ex. Story time:

 

I am 21. I had never been in a relationship until I met this girl, and neither had she. We were complete noobs. We got together and had been together for nearly three years, and life was wonderful...or so I thought. She was an intern and one day she just randomly started bawling (she hadn't cheated yet), and I tried to comfort her, and asked if she liked him or someone else...she promised that wasn't it and that she didn't know what was wrong. She calmed down, and I eventually swept it under the rug as just stress or something. Around a week or two later, we discuss taking a week apart to just relax. We were in our college town for the summer, and I stayed over at her place a lot. I ended up coming home and spending time with family, and she stayed up in college town. She dropped me off that weekend, and I asked her if she was sure that everything was okay, and she promised me that it was. I felt fine. She asked for some gas money, as we were both pretty broke, and so I gave her some and she was on her way. We texted back and forth a bit, and talked on the phone once, and I could tell something was not right, but I never suspected cheating. The Thursday of that week, things got really weird and she was not talking and being really short with her replies, and she finally admitted that she kissed someone that she liked at work. Wouldn't tell me anything except that we were on a break, and she sounded irritated at me like I was the problem. I was devastated...couldn't sleep until around 3-4am, until I cried myself asleep. I woke up, and Friday I asked her to let me know when she got off work (her internship and home are about 4 and a half hours away), and she promised she would. I picked her some wildflowers, filled up my gas tank with money I couldn't really afford to spend, and lied to my parents, acting as if nothing had happened, so as to save her the embarrassment. I flew to her place of work, hoping to sweep her off of her feet with these flowers, showing her that all I cared about is her, and that we could work past this, even if it took time. I get there, and she had already left. With him. To dinner. I break down (emotionally) in the middle of the city and call both her parents and mine and tell them the story. I called hers to see if they could talk her into responding to my calls/texts (I left a lot :/ ), since she was ignoring me. This was the girl that, less than a week before, kissed me and told me she loved me and that all was fine. So she finally responds, apologizes for lying to me about telling me when she got off work, and refuses to even meet me. I drive back to the college town, wilted, sad flowers in hand, and try to reach her again...she refuses to even come back to her apartment and stays with him for the night. I bawl myself to sleep...again. Morning comes around, I am still obsessively trying to contact her (my mistake), and her parents finally convince her that she needs to meet me, because at this point I had decided that I wanted my stuff out of her place and wanted out. She literally takes HOURS to "get ready" and make the 45 minute drive back to town, because she just had to have a sit down lunch with said guy. She finally gets there, and I am uber mad and start making snide remarks. We get in, battle it out for a bit, and eventually both are crying and holding each other. She says she wants to break up, and I am trying desperately to keep her around, as I loved her very much, and was willing to blindly look past her idiocy of the past week to just hold on for an extra second. After a lot of crying, I leave to go back home, stuff in hand, and we had initiated no contact. I fail at this miserably in the coming weeks...in the past three years, I had transferred to her school (not just to be with her, a teacher had threatened to ruin my career and the department did nothing about it), drifted apart from my high school friends, and not made enough really good college friends. So I am alone and still pathetically try to keep talking to her...something she wants nothing of. I stalk her every move online (I know, dumb), and keep finding out that she is constantly with this guy. I freak out and tell her parents, who are religious and REALLY unhappy with the way she was being. They rip her a new one and she apologizes and promises both me and them that she is done with him and everything will be "professional" from here on out. I find out also that the day she dropped me off at my house, she went to the movies with this guy (eight years older, by the way, and had a live in ex girlfriend at the time, real winner)...after I gave her gas money because she was "tight on money". I keep stalking her online (I know), and find out that she broke her promise to me and her parents and flew to the next state on his dime for a "project". I eventually start slowly succeeding in moving on. She kept on doing stupid things like skipping class and asking me to take her notes for her while she would go "work" with him. Flash forward to Thanksgiving week 2013, and she wishes me a happy birthday, and we start casually talking. I tell her I have my eye on an attractive girl at school, and she tells me that she got jealous and we start talking missing each other and I start to think that everything might me slowly returning to normal. We ride together (about a three hour round trip) one night to run an errand of mine, and we agree to move very slowly to get back together. I tell her that she has to absolutely have no contact with the guy she cheated on me with ever again, professional or otherwise, or else it's a no go. She won't agree because apparently without this guy, her career can't take off (she said this). I reluctantly agree to even this (stupid), and eventually I ask her if she had done anything with anybody while we were apart. She said yes, and I asked what and with whom (stupid again, but while we had done stuff together, we were still virgins at the time of our break up, and had only done stuff with each other at the time). She tells me that she had been having sex (and everything else) with this guy for a few months. Lied constantly to both me and her parents. This was all in a car ride. I pull over and am devastated, again. I can't imagine how a girl who used to be religious like her parents could all of a sudden cheat and then start right after at having a heavily sexually based relationship with a guy she barely knew, who was also much older and clearly wanted her for that reason alone. I told her I could forgive her (most premature statement I've ever made), and tell her I want to work it out. Any progress I had made at moving on prior to this night was destroyed by all of this contact and revelation. We eventually decide that we need to go our own separate ways (all in one night, yes), and that if we are right for each other, we ill find each other down the line. We talk a few times after that, and a few weeks back, she says we shouldn't talk anymore. Haven't spoken to her in a few weeks now, and while it is seemingly easier, I still seem to think of the massive pain she caused me, and how hurt I still am from what she did, when I thought I treated her better than any guy she knew treated their girlfriends (her admission). I thought I was giving her the best love I could, but it was inadequate. I can't get the thoughts out of my head, and always feel worse after thinking about it. I think I'm over her, just not her actions, and am still hurt by it. I couldn't sleep or eat much for weeks, and it was especially hard because I had drifted apart from my close friends, and she was all I had to confide in (stupid on my part, losing my social life by being glued to her side for 3 years). This is the first time I've opened up about this in all of the brilliant detail, as I have been feeling like I needed to just talk to someone, but could never find the words, as well as get some advice on how to progress from here, if I should ever take her back, how to possibly forgive her, if I should talk to her parents about her betrayal to them and me, etc.

 

Sorry for the long post, I'm just at a loss, and am hopeful that hanging out here will help, even if only slightly.

[Trep]

No offense but she sounds like a pretty horrible person to me. Cheating on her first real boyfriend and giving her virginity to a guy, which by the sounds of it, seems like she only did just as an opportunity to advance her career.

 

I would advise deleting her number, blocking her on facebook and any other way you have of contacting her (don't contact her parents either, clearly this hasn't made a difference in the past) and just trying to move on.

 

With all that said, from your post I'm pretty sure you'll ignore that advice and jump at any tiny breadcrumb she throws your way and forgive her as you've done in the past....repeatedly, which is/was a huge mistake.

[Heraclius]

Ha, yeah, I've made that mistake too much...I don't want anything to do with her for a long time at least...I've been working hard to tell myself I'm better than what she gave me and I deserve better. I just need to get rid of the all too common dwelling on the pain she caused me and move on.

[Trep]

You are DEFINITELY better and deserve better than the way she treated you. The hurt and betrayal that she caused unfortunately will take time to get over (especially as it's your first LTR) and the best way to do that is to cut her out of your life completely Block her #'s, email, facebook and anything else you can think of. I know it's hard but it's the best way to approach this. Good luck.

 

Btw, I didn't mean to sound harsh in the previous post but I think it had to be said.

[MrMeh]

This girl is cold as ice. I hope you have some scratch of dignjty left.

[Heraclius]

You are DEFINITELY better and deserve better than the way she treated you. The hurt and betrayal that she caused unfortunately will take time to get over (especially as it's your first LTR) and the best way to do that is to cut her out of your life completely Block her #'s, email, facebook and anything else you can think of. I know it's hard but it's the best way to approach this. Good luck.

 

Btw, I didn't mean to sound harsh in the previous post but I think it had to be said.

 

It's all good, no worries. I appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts on the matter. I've already deleted and blocked everything I have. Now...what to do with the stuff she gave back to me, such as shirts and jewelry I bought her? I'm also curious to see if anyone thinks there is redemption for her.

[Trep]

No, there is no redemption for her in my mind. She lied, cheated and after getting busted she showed zero remorse and continued to do both.

 

As for the stuff she gave back, sell/return what you can and give away the rest (assuming it's not to expensive). Any items of hers you have will just continue to remind you of her.