Lost_Soul_86 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Bit of background information we were together for 9 years living together for about 3 years, had a dog together and were building a house together. One night we had an argument that resulted in a "break" which then turned into a "breakup" heard all the 1 liners, I love you but im not in love with you, there's no spark anymore, were more like best friends than anything else etc etc.. Its been 11 months since the breakup, I met a lovely man 4 months ago who has told me he loves me and vise versa because i DO love him i'm just scared that it's not enough or not the same level of love i once had. I compare him to my ex all the time, i find myself getting upset over certain things that my new bf will do because the old one wouldn't of done that or handled the situation that way. I just don't know if i'm capable of loving anyone the way i loved my ex. Is this normal? I found out over the weekend that my ex has a new girlfriend now, and i'm not going to lie i was sad, i even cried (obviously behind closed doors and by myself) and a thousand memories came flooding back of the things we have done together along with the guilt for all the nasty things I've ever said to him, it hurts to know that he may be happier with her, he might even end up marrying her! Surely by now i shouldn't be thinking this type of stuff? He was my first love and my first heartbreak. I still care for him deeply and i do only want what's best for him out of life even though it will be with someone else. Has anyone else experienced these feelings when your with a new partner? I don't want to hurt my new bf by any means but at the same time i'm just not sure how to stop comparing him to the old one. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Has anyone else experienced these feelings when your with a new partner? I don't want to hurt my new bf by any means but at the same time i'm just not sure how to stop comparing him to the old one. The feelings that you have aren't a choice. Comparisons are deliberate choices. So this means you can also choose to accept for current boyfriend for who he is as a person, rather than compare him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Everyone feels this way about their first love. They are usually bitter-sweet memories that you never forget. Most people do not marry their first loves. Did he tell you he wasn't in love with you anymore and that's what caused the breakup of did you tell him this? Link to post Share on other sites
avacado Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I'm in the same exact boat. One year out from my most serious relationship, still haunted by missing her so much, but she's moved on with someone else, which feels awful. Now I have a new girl, on paper she' great, but I just don't know if I feel the same. So yes, same situation. I think it's easy to put your ex on a pedestal and only remember the good times. But when I really force myself, I can dredge up the stuff that made us not work out, the flaws I couldn't stand. So I'm choosing to let this new relationship progress by listening to the part of me that knows the ex wasn't that amazing, even if my knee-jerk response is a consistent "The Ex was slightly more attractive, more this, less that, etc etc". Which is really complete hogwash, because in reality I spent a great deal of time dwelling on my ex's flaws when we were together. Focus on the present, acknowledge we humans have a bias towards misremembering the good aspects of our former loves, and move forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
maturityassets Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Definitely happened to me after my first love. But As of now I've been with my current Girl friend for quite a while. I can tell you it gets easier as you go on and make new memories with this person if you end up deeply liking them. For me now I go for weeks without thinking of my ex but if something does come up like a memory spot it'll be in my mind for about a day or two and then next time I hang out with the current girl friend or meditate on it, it all disappears. Its pretty normal to compare to your previous relationships especially when it comes to love. But then you realize that the new person doesn't replace the old, you just build new memories and have a different type of relationship; sometimes those new moments are better than the old ones and eventually the person you are with is the person you want and your ex doesn't hold the same weight anymore. Best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lost_Soul_86 Posted January 15, 2014 Author Share Posted January 15, 2014 Thanks for all the advice guys, i hope one day this feeling will fade and my ex will be a distant but happy memory. I spent a lot of time when we were together dwelling on his flaws to avocado, its hard to remember what most of them where now though! stillafloor we had an argument unrelated to anything that one of us said to the other which then lead to a "break" it was after that "break" that he said and it was his exact words i quote "you can love someone but not be in love with them" Its not fair for me to compare my new bf to the old one, there both two different people and if i keep doing this i'm never going to get any where in love! Good luck to you all x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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