My Impending Train Wreck

[LaylaSings]

Sugar.. How do you feel when around his wife? Does she get into personal details?

 

I screwed up today.. Contacted my AP and he responded immediatly, and it's the first private convo we have had since before Christmas. I'm not ready for it to be over. It will never end until we are caught, or I am ready to end it, I know that.

[SugarHibiscus]

Layla- I try to block it out of my mind when I'm with her. It's easier said than done. She does share intimate details about their relationship. I fear that she's on to us for a lot of reasons. One of which is trying to paint her relationship with him as perfect, even though it is plainly to any observer that it is not. (They fight publicly and she is openly pressing him to marry her.) I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about it. My AP and I try to act as normal as possible around each other. How do you deal with being with your AP significant other?

 

You had a moment of weakness today. I guess we have to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is a different day. I don't know what else to say since I am not in the NC stage yet but am moving towards it. This is craziness!

[LaylaSings]

In the beginning my AP did a really poor job of hiding his feelings for me and she picked up on it pretty fast. So in the back of her mind who knows what she thinks now for sure about it. She talks about things with me I wish she wouldn't but I can't say that or she would think it weird. I would say the same thing that I try and put it out of my mind when talking to her, and with how easy it is to talk and listen to her sometimes, and being I genuinely care about her it's almost like watching another person .. Not myself. He's always on my mind, so I feel like how is it possible to not be thinking of him when she's around, but I try. When she's with me it's smooth and comfortable with only a few one sided awkward moments but then later when I'm all alone I look back on it and think, how do I keep a straight face?? How do I give her what I really feel is honest advice on how to improve her relationship when I am very obviously her enemy??

 

It's very conflicting.

I love my husband but have a lot of resentment built up inside towards him, so in some sense I understand how I was able to betray him, doesn't make it ok, but it at least makes a little more sense to me.

My friend though, other than being pretty selfish (I know that's very ironic coming from me) in our friendship, she has never done anything to hurt me and never would. It's hard for me to understand how I can lie to her face and dream about her husband.. I can hear her complain about him, give her advice that I really believe will help, all the while wishing I could comfort him.

 

You say you guys try to act as normal as possible. We do too, but I almost think that makes it more obvious. We are both nervous like in love teenagers around each other sometimes.. Or we try NOT to make eye contact or sit to close.. I would avoid any physical contact with him when people are around and those are things I don't do with any other friend so I often wonder when people will pick up on that.

Edited January 16, 2014 by LaylaSings

[Jamesblame]

I will eventually divorce my husband and you are right he deserves better than this. Because we have small children, I am financially dependent on him. I'm looking for a job to get myself out of this marriage.

 

How lovely of you. Don't worry, you can divorce him and probably get more money than you would otherwise.

 

Your husband, you, and your lover sound like a piece of work. By the way, you and your boyfriend are so kind to your bff. Really swell people.

[VeronicaRoss]

You said even though your husband is a mess you see him as a knight in shining armor.

 

That made me wonder about you, just you. Apart from the guys.

 

I think you need to get some good therapy, meditation, whatever it takes for you to look at yourself, how you feel (aside from romance), and the decisions you make. Why men are either your problem or your answer. That's very extreme.

 

From the husband choice to the affair, you just don't seem to be making good life decisions. Something in you is not being taken care of...by you.

 

Romance is a great way to cover up when we don't know how to grow up. That was me for sure anyway. When I straightened myself out, my relationships did too. Just a thought.

[SugarHibiscus]

Layla- I know how you feel about your friend. I think about betraying her more than betraying my husband.

[SugarHibiscus]

How lovely of you. Don't worry, you can divorce him and probably get more money than you would otherwise.

 

Your husband, you, and your lover sound like a piece of work. By the way, you and your boyfriend are so kind to your bff. Really swell people.

 

I am not interested in getting his money. It's laughable really. I don't have the wherewithal to support myself yet and until I can, I will not contemplate leaving him. I do not expect him to support me after we separate. I stay home with our kids. I know I don't get paid, but what I do is worth money. Also, I supported my H for years while he was in grad school and getting his PhD. I am not a gold digger!

 

 

I am a piece of work for a lot of reasons. I'm quirky, sarcastic and flawed. Makes life worth living! Don't forget, we all live in glass houses.

[Anne Boleyn]

I am not interested in getting his money. It's laughable really. I don't have the wherewithal to support myself yet and until I can, I will not contemplate leaving him. I do not expect him to support me after we separate. I stay home with our kids. I know I don't get paid, but what I do is worth money. Also, I supported my H for years while he was in grad school and getting his PhD. I am not a gold digger!

 

 

I am a piece of work for a lot of reasons. I'm quirky, sarcastic and flawed. Makes life worth living! Don't forget, we all live in glass houses.

 

 

 

I think the point was that there's a thin line between "I don't expect my husband to support me while we're separated" and "I do expect him to support me while I'm still married to him, though acting like I am separated.".

[SugarHibiscus]

You said even though your husband is a mess you see him as a knight in shining armor.

That made me wonder about you, just you. Apart from the guys.

 

I think you need to get some good therapy, meditation, whatever it takes for you to look at yourself, how you feel (aside from romance), and the decisions you make. Why men are either your problem or your answer. That's very extreme.

 

From the husband choice to the affair, you just don't seem to be making good life decisions. Something in you is not being taken care of...by you.

 

Romance is a great way to cover up when we don't know how to grow up. That was me for sure anyway. When I straightened myself out, my relationships did too. Just a thought.

 

My H is most certainly not my "knight in shining armor". Please find the content of my original post below:

 

My H also looks to me to solve ALL of our problems (big or small) and sees as more of a mother than a spouse. My AP helps me problem solve and has come to my rescue more than once. I know he is not my knight in shining armor though, even though I tend to think of him in that way.

 

I wonder about me too. I'm nothing if not introspective. I seek clarity about my desires, responsibilities and motivations. I question myself. Maybe I should change my handle to Hamlet.

 

When I talk about "problems" I am not speaking of emotional needs, I mean problems with the mechanics of daily living (e.g. pipes froze, can't pay the electric bill).

 

As John Donne said, no man is an island. I have trouble balancing all of these things on my own. My H offers no support and I turn to my lover for help. I wish men were my problem. I have real, tangible issues that exist outside of my relationships.

 

I was young when I married my husband. He was young. The problem is I did grow up and now I see the world differently. I think people shouldn't be allowed to marry until they're 30. (I'm sort of kidding.)

[SugarHibiscus]

I think the point was that there's a thin line between "I don't expect my husband to support me while we're separated" and "I do expect him to support me while I'm still married to him, though acting like I am separated.".

 

Anne (love the handle)- We've got a symbiotic relationship going on in this here house right now. It's like the 1950's. I take care of every aspect of our three very young children's lives, keep the house sparkling, and even grade his papers for him. (He's a history professor.) My man child of a husband is definitely getting his money's worth.

[Anne Boleyn]

Anne (love the handle)- We've got a symbiotic relationship going on in this here house right now. It's like the 1950's. I take care of every aspect of our three very young children's lives, keep the house sparkling, and even grade his papers for him. (He's a history professor.) My man child of a husband is definitely getting his money's worth.

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

To be clear, your decisions are your own and I'm not judging either way. Just clarifying what I think he meant.

[JPMC]

Emotional abuse is reason enough to leave someone.

 

You're going to get caught. You can be as careful as you want, you will slip.

End it

[road]

Believe me, I know what a luxury it is to be a stay-at-home mom. I'm thankful for the experience every day. I have a master's degree and had a successful career before I decided to stay home six years ago. Despite the never ending workload and no pay, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

My H had an affair three years ago. I highly doubt he would divorce me on the spot for doing the same. In fact, he told me I get one "free pass". He has a number of stipulations on that free pass because I don't think he really means it. That being said, if it comes to light he would be devistated but not immediatly headed to his lawyers office. I don't know though. No one knows where the sh++ is going to fly when it hits the fan.

 

 

 

Hall passes are not to be used on his friends.

[road]

Anne (love the handle)- We've got a symbiotic relationship going on in this here house right now. It's like the 1950's. I take care of every aspect of our three very young children's lives, keep the house sparkling, and even grade his papers for him. (He's a history professor.) My man child of a husband is definitely getting his money's worth.

 

 

 

If you call getting half of your time and half of you putting out getting his monies worth.

[road]

The free pass certainly does not include my AP. My H made a passing comment this summer that I was not allowed to use it with him.

 

I want to preface the following by saying that I am not excusing my behavior. There is nothing that my bff or H did to deserve this. I'm just trying to understand my motivation not make excuses. Also, I know I'm a horrible hypocrite cretin.

 

I think it's a combination of a revenge/exit affair against both my bff and my H.

 

My H has put me through a lot of turmoil. It's not really about his sexual dalliances, but different issues in our relationship. He has been emotionally abusive to me and had a severe drinking problem. I just can't get over it.

 

My bff has no empathy for me or anyone else. (See hypocrite!) I should have ended my relationship with her years ago. I consider her my "sister wife". My H doesn't like her, but she was always involved in my life the way a spouse is.

 

She has done many things throughout the years that have left wounds. I can think of several examples but will list just two.

 

My child has a developmental disability. She constantly makes disparaging comments about her. I called her crying because I got news from the school that my child was not doing well in a classroom setting. She told me that "she should be institutionalized" and that "mark my words, she's going to end up living in a home".

 

I was devastated by her comments. Instead of helping me cope, she made it worse. When I confronted her, she said she didn't know that her statements would hurt me. WTH?

 

She lost that same child at the mall. We were at the playarea and she told me that she would watch my child while I took my other little ones to get shoes. When I got back a half hour later, my kid was missing. She said she let her go look for me. She was four years old!!

 

They shut down the mall for three hours before we found her. I don't have words to describe my frantic panic during those hours. When we finally found her, my bff said that I should really be careful next time. She also said that she wouldn't be surprised if DCFS was at my house the next day. I LEFT HER IN CHARGE!! No apology whatsoever.

 

 

 

 

 

And you keep this person in your and your families life?

 

 

No wonder your judgment thinks that you banging your BH friend is good.

[SugarHibiscus]

Yup. I have a lot of resentment. It's certainly clouding my judgement.

[Scott Thomas]

SH,

 

I am a bit curious. This train wreck, is the train in question coal driven or a new magnetic/bullet specimen. This ought to give us a measure of the impending wreckage.

[rumbleseat]

I am kind of confused here.

 

You say a lot of negative things about your h and your friend. If they are so awful, what makes you want to spend any time with either of them? Why continue these relationships?

It almost sounds as if your A is some sort of passive aggressive way to get back at them for the things they do that hurt you. The ironic and saddest part is that you will be the one who gets hurt the most.

 

When you say that your om wife got pregnant right when the A was starting, it makes me wonder if he's also being somewhat passive aggressive towards her, and also seeing the A as some sort of escape from reality and responsibility. What do you think?

 

It sounds like you need to stay away from this om and your friend and get your head on straight. Figure out your life before you complicate things even further.

[SugarHibiscus]

SH,

 

I am a bit curious. This train wreck, is the train in question coal driven or a new magnetic/bullet specimen. This ought to give us a measure of the impending wreckage.

 

Hmmm...some days it's a slow freight train and some days it a Japanese Shinkansen. The speed is the only variable. The destination is the same.

 

For instance, today he posted a picture of a 1970 Chevy Chevelle on my FB page and asked me if I thought it would make a good getaway vehicle. The train is moving fast today. I'm supposed to meet him tonight, but I'm going to cancel.

 

(BTW, that's for rolling with my metaphor.)

 

I am kind of confused here.

 

You say a lot of negative things about your h and your friend. If they are so awful, what makes you want to spend any time with either of them? Why continue these relationships?

 

I don't know, honestly. I've been trying to work this one out.

 

It almost sounds as if your A is some sort of passive aggressive way to get back at them for the things they do that hurt you. The ironic and saddest part is that you will be the one who gets hurt the most.

 

When you say that your om wife got pregnant right when the A was starting, it makes me wonder if he's also being somewhat passive aggressive towards her, and also seeing the A as some sort of escape from reality and responsibility. What do you think?

 

The EA started in Spring 2012. (I don't think I would have called it that at the time.) It became physical in Summer 2013. She got pregnant in the Fall. The affair was in full force before she got knocked up.

 

It sounds like you need to stay away from this om and your friend and get your head on straight. Figure out your life before you complicate things even further.

Edited February 8, 2014 by SugarHibiscus

[Scott Thomas]

Better fasten that seatbelt.

Assuming the train wrecks, do you plan on posting in the infidelity section.

 

PS. I staunchly believe that an A is wrong, but couldn't you have found someone with enough brain cells to act discretely.

[SugarHibiscus]

I could post in the Infidelity section now. I'm a BW too...

 

I'm surprised that he's being so reckless. He has a lot to lose too. The irony is that he is only the second man I've had an intimate (physical and emotional) relationship with and he has had several girlfriends and a few live-in long term relationships. I've been with my husband since high school and I'm in my mid-thirties.

 

He says he knows I'm "the one" because of all of the women he's dated in his life. He swears he has never felt this way about anyone before. I may not have had not that many relationships but I'm not naive.

[lollipopspot]

My H has put me through a lot of turmoil. It's not really about his sexual dalliances, but different issues in our relationship. He has been emotionally abusive to me and had a severe drinking problem. I just can't get over it.

 

My bff...She lost that same child at the mall. We were at the playarea and she told me that she would watch my child while I took my other little ones to get shoes. When I got back a half hour later, my kid was missing. She said she let her go look for me. She was four years old!!

 

They shut down the mall for three hours before we found her. I don't have words to describe my frantic panic during those hours. When we finally found her, my bff said that I should really be careful next time. She also said that she wouldn't be surprised if DCFS was at my house the next day. I LEFT HER IN CHARGE!! No apology whatsoever.

 

With the friend - that incident right there would end the friendship for me. Years back, someone was equally as careless and non-apologetic with my pet whom they were watching - and that was it. I can't take risks with the beings I'm responsible for, and can't have people so callous in my life. This person could have been responsible for your child being permanently missing or killed.

 

Your husband - severe drinking problem and emotionally abusive - again, think about your children.

 

If what you are saying is accurate, you have some pretty f'ed up relationships and people in your life. Focus! Your number one priority is protecting the kids and helping them grow into non f'ed up adults.

 

MY AP is certainly broken and toxic too.

 

Get yourself together and focus on your kids. Your actions teach them what is o.k. If the dad is an alcoholic, he's no role model, and this guy's not ready to step up either.

 

Your romantic life and soul mate are not the most important thing here, your kids are. You're setting them up to be adults who go to counseling to talk about their f'ed up alcoholic parent/s and their over-sexualized childhood.

Edited February 8, 2014 by lollipopspot

[SugarHibiscus]

Lolli- Thanks for your post. My husband has been sober for nearly five years. I still can't get over the stuff he did to me. My kids are young enough not to remember that part of his life. My oldest is 7.

 

As for my "BFF", your right. I should have dumped her ass years ago. I didn't realize this at the beginning of my A, but maybe I had to hurt her first. That sounds calculated, but it really wasn't a conscious motivation.

 

My AP and I have a lot of the same proclivities for dysfunction. He's screwed up in the same way as I am. I think every one of us has issues.

[Leelou]

If you were on a train that you KNEW was going to crash, and you had the opportunity to get off, unscathed, you would do it, wouldn't you?

 

Your BFF deserves a stab in the back as does your cheating, lying, etc etc husband...so no wonder you feel free to continue with the affair! Two birds with one stone, no?

 

Revenge serves it's purpose. As Scott Adams said, "Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge." They hurt you, and you need to forgive them, because you are staying with them (letting them stay in your life and 'support' you).

 

Your lover is toying with taking a risk because he's feeling reckless, and feels he has nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

 

You, with two small children, financially reliant on your husband, and needing to be a s.a.h. mom for your child who has development problems, you know you have to sacrifice for now, to raise those kids in an intact family. Another - what -? another 12 years to stay with your H? Unless your OM spoils it all for you...

[Poppygoodwill]

True, they are different things. And it's not easy. But you are able to do it, if you want to. You can make it better or worse for your kids and the gf and her kid, by doing it with integrity and as cleanly as possible. Dump the OM, then divorce your husband, and *then* see what the future holds for you and the soul mate.

 

And I second the thoughts of others who point out how much more you have to lose than he does, and to be *very careful* that he doesn't pull the whole house of cards down around your ears only to suit himself. He'll get out of the 'trap' set by his gf, and you will be left mopping up a massive mess with a couple of devastated kids who you have to look in teh eye and admit that you broke up the family by cheating on their daddy. ouch.