Rather have an actual knife in the back

[Penorsword]

Hey everybody. I would like to share my story with you. Just for the sake of the therapy it will provide me I think.

 

We were married in August of 2011. And I have never been happier in all my life. I adored my wife and we had a perfect baby daughter in September of 2012.

Life does not get any better. I was truly happy and was sure my beautiful wife was happy and loyal to me....

 

Sure there were a couple little signs that in retrospect should have alerted me to something. But I dismissed them at the time.

 

Everything changed on Friday September 13 2013. I inadvertently saw my wife's google history. She had been looking up ways to ensure that nobody could recover deleted text messages from her phone...

 

I did some digging. I found some things. I confronted her. She lied as often as she possibly could and then some.

 

The story I ended up getting after about 2 weeks of lies and discovery and more lies was this. She began a friendship with a man at work in December of 2011. This guy lives out of state but has to come to the main office for a week or so every few months. This friendship turned into an EA in June with se ting and lots of emotionally fueled text, long talks on the phone, naked pictures etc.. He was in town in late July for 2 days and my wife met him at his hotel room. She claimed that she never realy believed that anything was going to happen, but it did. She says they basically made out for a while before she came to her senses and told him she had to leave.( she admits to the encounter progressing to roughly 3rd base)

 

She ended the affair all togather roughly 2 weeks after this. The phone records do support this fact.

 

Here I am now 4 months out from d-day and I am a sad lost and confused soul. I can't make myself truly believe anything that comes out of her mouth now no matter how badly I want to believe it. I go back and fourth daily on wether or not I'm going to leave or stay. I wonder if I will ever feel happy again regardless of my choice. I wonder if I can ever feel the adoration for my wife that I once felt again.

 

I think I just wanted to tell my story to someone.

 

Looking foreword to any responses

[Clay]

Get her to take a poly.

 

Is she remorseful? Do you really want to stay with someone that can cheat on your and betray you?

 

I would make her give you a timeline of the events. I would expose the OM to his wife if he is married or even a GF.

 

I don't believe anyone goes to a hotel and then bails without having sex.

 

Clay

[Penorsword]

Get her to take a poly.

 

Is she remorseful? Do you really want to stay with someone that can cheat on your and betray you?

 

I would make her give you a timeline of the events. I would expose the OM to his wife if he is married or even a GF.

 

I don't believe anyone goes to a hotel and then bails without having sex.

 

Clay

 

She seems very remorseful. But I doubt everything about her now. She has actually agreed to take a Polly, but I have never followed through with it yet. I have serious doubts that she stopped it at third base in the hotel room as well.

[Penorsword]

Get her to take a poly.

 

Is she remorseful? Do you really want to stay with someone that can cheat on your and betray you?

 

I would make her give you a timeline of the events. I would expose the OM to his wife if he is married or even a GF.

 

I don't believe anyone goes to a hotel and then bails without having sex.

 

Clay

 

She seems very remorseful. But I doubt everything about her now. She has actually agreed to take a Polly, but I have never followed through with it yet. I have serious doubts that she stopped it at third base in the hotel room as well.

 

 

I have already exposed the affair the the other mans wife as well.

[harrybrown]

Has she stopped all contact with the OM? Is she willing to get a different job to save her marriage?

 

This is very early in the marriage to have an affair. Did she agree to get tested for stds? Is she pregnant from the OM? Did you ask her that? And will she pay to have your child be tested for DNA?

 

She is lying and lying. How would she feel if you had an affair and treated her like she was your second choice, your backup plan?

 

Good for you for telling the other betrayed spouse.

[Penorsword]

As far as I can tell she has been in no contact with the OM since d-day aside from work.. She has agreed to quit her job as soon as our lease is up next July. Her mom got her this job and it will not be possible for her to make similar income somewhere else so I agreed to wait until July so we can downsize our expenses.

 

She is not pregnant, and has offered to get our daughter DNA tested. I declined though. At this point that little girl just might be the he only ray of sunshine in my life. If I found out she was not mine I don't know if I could survive that. I truly would prefer ignorance on that one subject.

 

I do believe she is remorseful and is doing everything in her power to fix our marriage. I just don't know if it will ever be enough.

 

For anyone who has gone through this before. Do you ever regain that adoration for your spouse? Do you ever feel safe win them again? I was very happily marred before this, is it possible to feel that way again? Finally, does anyone ever regret leaving a cheating spouse?

[Clay]

Do the poly. Get the facts. Don't base any decisions on anything less. She has to quit that job now. You are only asking for more problems with her being around that man everyday. Do you ever really get it back. I have heard some people have but honestly I doubt it. The lack of trust will always be on the back of your mind.

 

I don't regret not being with my xW anymore. I am actually pleased she is still with the OM. I am thankful they are both not ruining someone elses lives. Its also a bonus for me when I see them at the store together. Wow does she look horrible. Her teeth are rotted. Her hair is a mess. She stinks. He looks like a complete looser as well. He can not hold a job. I think in some way this is Gods way of showing me people do get what they deserve.

 

I am sorry you are going through this but you need to get down to the facts if you want to get passed this at all.

 

Clay

[tiredofitall2]

As far as I can tell she has been in no contact with the OM since d-day aside from work.. She has agreed to quit her job as soon as our lease is up next July. Her mom got her this job and it will not be possible for her to make similar income somewhere else so I agreed to wait until July so we can downsize our expenses.

 

She is not pregnant, and has offered to get our daughter DNA tested. I declined though. At this point that little girl just might be the he only ray of sunshine in my life. If I found out she was not mine I don't know if I could survive that. I truly would prefer ignorance on that one subject.

 

I do believe she is remorseful and is doing everything in her power to fix our marriage. I just don't know if it will ever be enough.

 

 

For anyone who has gone through this before. Do you ever regain that adoration for your spouse? Do you ever feel safe win them again? I was very happily marred before this, is it possible to feel that way again? Finally, does anyone ever regret leaving a cheating spouse?

 

Some people do get passed it, but only after a lot of therapy and a lot of reaffirming love from WS.

 

Because you have a little girl I would consider staying, but only under strict conditions of absolute openness. She sould be a changed woman and one that lives for you and your R. She needs to find out what possessed her to do this to her family. Was she lacking attention? What's broken in her? What past issues does she have. Can it happen again, even many years later? Etc.

 

She's taken many positive steps and very good steps to reconcile, but it will take time and that is something we have no control over. It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions for you for a while.

 

read books on surviving an affair. It will help you whether you stay or leave.

 

About the sex, it really doesn't matter as for women the emotional connection takes precedent and there was one with him for a while now. It was about how she made her feel about herself. Of course we men get distraught about another man having sex with our W,but to be hones most women in an A give this aspect less importance than everything else in that illicit relationship.

[drifter777]

As far as I can tell she has been in no contact with the OM since d-day aside from work.. She has agreed to quit her job as soon as our lease is up next July. Her mom got her this job and it will not be possible for her to make similar income somewhere else so I agreed to wait until July so we can downsize our expenses.

 

She is not pregnant, and has offered to get our daughter DNA tested. I declined though. At this point that little girl just might be the he only ray of sunshine in my life. If I found out she was not mine I don't know if I could survive that. I truly would prefer ignorance on that one subject.

 

I do believe she is remorseful and is doing everything in her power to fix our marriage. I just don't know if it will ever be enough.

 

For anyone who has gone through this before. Do you ever regain that adoration for your spouse? Do you ever feel safe win them again? I was very happily marred before this, is it possible to feel that way again? Finally, does anyone ever regret leaving a cheating spouse?

I'm a betrayed husband and have gone through this - lots of the men that respond to your post are BH's.

 

I completely understand your reluctance to DNA test your daughter. This is something you can do anytime if you change your mind so put it out of your head right now.

 

Your wife is lying to you about the extent of the sex she had with the other man. All cheaters lie, lie, and lie some more. WW's in particular usually lie about the sex because they know two things: 1) their is very little chance their husband can verify exactly what she did and how many times she did it and 2) she knows how devastating this knowledge will be to you and is afraid that it will kill any chance to keep you around. The biggest problem with all her lying now is that little bits of the truth are going to be exposed over the next few weeks/months. We call this "trickle truth" and each time one of these bombs is dropped it will crush you all over again.

 

You are entitled to get a truthful answer from her to every question you ask. Remember that you cannot unhear any of the details, but if you understand this then she should hold nothing back and answer all of you questions truthfully. Even if she agrees to all of this and you are satisfied with all of the answers she gives you know, understand that she's still lying. There are some things that you can never bust her on and those things she will take to her grave.

 

Finally, you will never see your wife as you did before she cheated. You will never trust her like you did, you will never feel the same about your marriage. Of all the BH's that post here who divorced their cheating wife there are very, very few who regret it. There are a number of BH's who don't regret reconciling, but the percentage is not nearly as high. Having a baby daughter makes this whole mess a lot more complicated. You say your wife is very remorseful and wants to repair you marriage but it just might not be possible. At that point you may decide to stay married to give your daughter a stable, secure home life. I think that would be a short-sighted decision but it is something lots of BS's commit to doing.

[drifter777]

About the sex, it really doesn't matter as for women the emotional connection takes precedent and there was one with him for a while now. It was about how she made her feel about herself. Of course we men get distraught about another man having sex with our W,but to be hones most women in an A give this aspect less importance than everything else in that illicit relationship.

To every betrayed husband the sex really, really matters. Who cares whether his wife thinks that part of the affair is less important - it has nothing to do with how her BH feels. For men, it's about the sex.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Calm down everyone. We really do not know she is lying about the sex. We don't know that. Don't make statements that she is. to the original poster: please remember to focus on your own situation and not what other's went through. Just because they went through something doesn't mean you are going trough that same situation. The people commenting mean well and are trying to help but we get excited sometimes and think 'Ah, man, my cheating spouse did this so his probably is." It doesn't mean it is true.

 

I'm very, very sorry you are going through this. It's an extremely tough road. Marriages can be saved and made even better. I'm saying this now after a really tough day, but I still believe it. I'm hurt beyond belief. My self esteem barely exists right now. I don't understand what was special about her .. so special he risked our life together. I still don't get it. Everyone says it wasn't about her, but to a BS, that's the way it certainly feels.

 

Just take it one day at a time -- no...in your case, where you are...one hour or moment at a time.

[Penorsword]

Drifter thank you for such a well thought out response to my post.

 

I got trickle truth in the first 2 weeks after finding out, but the story hasent changed at all in the last few months.

 

You know I do believe it would be a bad idea to stay married to my wife just for the sake of my daughter if I am not happy. That being said I guess I feel like I owe it to my daughter to try and be happy with my wife again.

 

We have been attending MC but we should probably both be doing IC as well. All this therapy is gunna end up putting us under a bridge.

 

It's good to know I'm not alone. I would like to hear from a BH who has successfully reconsider and feels that it is truly 100% behind him. It's not a tale I hear a lot and I could use a bit of hope.

[Penorsword]

Thank you all for the replys.

 

It feels good to tell my story and know that I'm not going crazy. I have been an absolute wreck and I can't seem to get my thoughts straight.

[Bryanp]

Holy smokes,

 

She started her affair 4 months after getting married to you? Does she even know the meaning of her wedding vows?

 

She claims she went to his hotel room not realizing that anything would happen......Oh please. This is embarrassing. Does she absolutely think that you are a complete moron? She knew exactly what it meant going to his hotel room. She tells you she came to her senses after she had oral sex with him........Oh please again.

 

I think you would be very foolish not to take her up on the polygraph. By the way for many men this would be a deal-breaker. Technically you are still in your honeymoon phase of marriage. I am sorry my friend but clearly you picked the wrong woman to marry and I think you know this. Her actions show that she clearly has no boundaries, no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[tiredofitall2]

To every betrayed husband the sex really, really matters. Who cares whether his wife thinks that part of the affair is less important - it has nothing to do with how her BH feels. For men, it's about the sex.

 

 

I know, I'm a man and this is what bothers me the most too, but as a BS you must realize the truth if you want to get over the hangup of the physical aspect of the A. Not to minimize it, but to place it at the level that it really is.

 

A are not bout the OM/OW being more attractive or how wild the sex is. They are about a broken WS, a selfish WS and other issues that need to be addressed.

[TheBladeRunner]

To every betrayed husband the sex really, really matters. Who cares whether his wife thinks that part of the affair is less important - it has nothing to do with how her BH feels. For men, it's about the sex.

 

Agreed, but the emotional part was equally as tough for me. The thought of her and her d-bag AP's discussing our life is nauseating.

[drifter777]

Thank you all for the replys.

 

It feels good to tell my story and know that I'm not going crazy. I have been an absolute wreck and I can't seem to get my thoughts straight.

This is why you need IC as soon as you can get started. You need someone trained to help you process what you are feeling without your wife present. Working with an IC will also help you decide if reconciliation is what you really want or if you are just giving in to fear of being a weekend dad and/or facing life on your own. I also think that MC is where you can safely confront your WW and start to understand what really happened and, most importantly, why it happened.

[Penorsword]

Thank you guys very much. I think I will sigh up for IC right away.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I did some digging. I found some things. I confronted her. She lied as often as she possibly could and then some.

 

The story I ended up getting after about 2 weeks of lies and discovery and more lies was this. She began a friendship with a man at work in December of 2011. This guy lives out of state but has to come to the main office for a week or so every few months. This friendship turned into an EA in June with sexting and lots of emotionally fueled text, long talks on the phone, naked pictures etc.. He was in town in late July for 2 days and my wife met him at his hotel room. She claimed that she never realy believed that anything was going to happen, but it did. She says they basically made out for a while before she came to her senses and told him she had to leave.( she admits to the encounter progressing to roughly 3rd base)

 

She ended the affair all together roughly 2 weeks after this. The phone records do support this fact.

 

I can't make myself truly believe anything that comes out of her mouth now.

 

Looking foreword to any responses

 

How much of the timeline have you been able to verify? You really have no basis to believe her, except what you can independently verify, such as through phone bills, call logs, browser history, dates and times you know she was in a certain place, etc. In the absence of being able to verify something to an outside source, you can judge whether you are getting the truth by this standard: DOES THE STORY MAKE SENSE? If a story does not make sense, usually it is a lie.

 

Does meeting a man at a hotel - a man you had exchanged numerous sexual messages and naked pictures with - and not expecting that there will be sex - make sense?

 

Does going to the hotel, and not having sex, make sense?

 

Your wife offered to take a poly. You don't need a poly. Your wife has told you a story a 12-year-old wouldn't believe. The best I can say about her story is this: It is theoretically possible. But extremely unlikely.

 

Your wife has combined two very, very, very common lies that cheaters tell into a single unbelievable lie. I call them the "only kissed" story and the "just one time" story. I know you posted that she confessed to more than kissing, but the "only kissed" story is the name I give it. Take a look at the threads on this forum. Go back months and even years. See how many times you find a thread where "only kissed" (or "stopped short of sex") turned out to actually be true. See how many times you find a thread where "just one time" turned out to actually be true.

 

The other most common lies:

 

1. When it started.

2. When it ended.

3. The extent of what they did.

 

I am reconciled with my wife after her cheating. I would not have reconciled if not for my children. That said, I am happy I reconciled, my wife has done everything I've asked of her and more. I did not accept nonsensical stories and I did not tolerate lies.

 

I don't know if my advice will help you. I am in my early 50s, you probably are a lot younger. Maybe it is because of your age and lack of life experience, maybe it is because you are just different than me. I would not have accepted the lies over two weeks that you accepted, I would have filed for divorce after about a half hour. After 20 years of marriage, my wife knew this about me, so she didn't do what your wife did.

 

I don't think I could have reconciled based on such a nonsensical story about not expecting sex when meeting up at a hotel and then not having sex at the hotel. I don't know how you go forward always wondering what was the truth, never truly being able to accept such a story. Maybe you can accept it.

[ComingInHot]

Penorsword,

My God In Heaven, I am truly sorry for the Fuster Cluck that your new W has put you in along with all its heartbreak!!

I understand how betrayal feels.

 

I don't know if anyone has written this yet BUT you do realize you don't have to make a decision one way or the other right now.

And if you do make a decision today, you have every right to Change it tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next YEAR or Years down the road. And your decision whatever, whenever that is will be Just Fine!!

 

I want you to know my H stepped out on me... and most people think I'm relatively Great looking as well as... ( okay not here to brag. Lol*) POINT is, exOW not near as as looker as me BUT she Was pretty and young... stings still to write, yet Husband did her anyway because he got "something" out of it.

He says, after MC that it fed his ego, made him feel even more special cause 2 women "wanted" him. Blah blah. ..

 

We have 2 children. I packed us up. I left (600 miles away). I said Go To Her, I'm out and left.

He followed and years later well yes we are reconciled.

Him being an a$$hat is just him not the A.

 

Don't know where I'm going except you may consider packing your things and leaving to give her a "moment" to taste her reality without you.

She'll come screaming and begging back.

THEN get the truth from her and let her coworkers wife and boss know.

 

Be well*

CIH*

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Don't know where I'm going except you may consider packing your things and leaving to give her a "moment" to taste her reality without you.

She'll come screaming and begging back.

THEN get the truth from her and let her coworkers wife and boss know.

 

Be well*

CIH*

 

My first reaction was to offer to help her pack her bags and send her to other man.

 

You are four months out and if you are happy with how remorseful she is, I don't want to be the one to burst your bubble.

 

Go read some of the other man/other woman threads. Feelings for other man don't just stop overnight, and contact does not stop overnight. Affairs DO start back up again after a period of no contact. Point is, her wanting to continue to work there could be a bad sign. Many betrayed spouses are not able to feel safe about no contact and the affair being over while they still are seeing and talking to each other at work.

Edited January 15, 2014 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

We were married in August of 2011. And I have never been happier in all my life. I adored my wife and we had a perfect baby daughter in September of 2012.

Life does not get any better. I was truly happy and was sure my beautiful wife was happy and loyal to me....

 

Everything changed on Friday September 13 2013.

 

She began a friendship with a man at work in December of 2011. This friendship turned into an EA in June (2013?)with sexting and lots of emotionally fueled text, long talks on the phone, naked pictures etc.. He was in town in late July for 2 days and my wife met him at his hotel room. She ended the affair all together roughly 2 weeks after this. The phone records do support this fact.

 

Looking foreword to any responses

 

A year and a half into the marriage, less then a year after having a child, are kind of soon to have an affair - not unheard of, but in your situation it seems especially out of place - just got married, just had a child, both are happy, no complaints, and she has an affair. "Life does not get any better" - both my wife and I felt this way at a similar point in our marriage. Why didn't your wife also feel this way?

 

Did your wife tell you she was unhappy with anything about you after you found out about the affair? Did it turn out that she thought you were a terrible husband, falling far short of meeting her needs? In hindsight, were there any signs that she was unhappy enough to have an affair or any signs that she tried to talk to you about what was missing and you didn't listen?

 

What was her reason for having the affair?

 

Does she have any issues from her childhood - any abuse or abandonment-type issues?

Edited January 15, 2014 by Mickey_Fitzpatrick

[Tayla]

Sorry to read of this indiscretion in your early years of marriage. I disagree with anyone having to take a polygraph, its silly to suggest. Mature adults who focus on the rebuilding the foundation, need to gather the strength to find each others amicable qualities. As a previous poster mentioned, you dont need to make a solid decision one way or the other. Its the ACtion you take that will cover the future times, be wise in what actions moving forward are tended to.

 

Words can only heal so much, yet the actions of change in recovering will be the deciding factor. Love is not just a feeling, its an action filled wil trust, admiration, cherished moments and mutual regard, Do you both have that to move this in a positive direction? This event is a moment to regroup and recommit...May it strengthen you for years to come....

[bubbaganoosh]

As far as I can tell she has been in no contact with the OM since d-day aside from work.. She has agreed to quit her job as soon as our lease is up next July. Her mom got her this job and it will not be possible for her to make similar income somewhere else so I agreed to wait until July so we can downsize our expenses.

 

She is not pregnant, and has offered to get our daughter DNA tested. I declined though. At this point that little girl just might be the he only ray of sunshine in my life. If I found out she was not mine I don't know if I could survive that. I truly would prefer ignorance on that one subject.

 

I do believe she is remorseful and is doing everything in her power to fix our marriage. I just don't know if it will ever be enough.

 

For anyone who has gone through this before. Do you ever regain that adoration for your spouse? Do you ever feel safe win them again? I was very happily marred before this, is it possible to feel that way again? Finally, does anyone ever regret leaving a cheating spouse?

 

Get her to the place for the polygraph test now. Also she agreed to have your daughter get a DNA test. That means that she had unprotected sex with this guy so you better get yourself checked for STD's.

 

Another thing. You can't wait until July for her to change jobs. She's been cheating on you from the get go of the marriage and if you sit back and do nothing about it and let her continue working there, your asking for more problems.

 

If it was me, I would be packing he bags and shipping her back to her parents. She did you wrong and the sooner you realize that the better you will be. You want to raise another mans baby? Get the test done now.

[Penorsword]

A year and a half into the marriage, less then a year after having a child, are kind of soon to have an affair - not unheard of, but in your situation it seems especially out of place - just got married, just had a child, both are happy, no complaints, and she has an affair. "Life does not get any better" - both my wife and I felt this way at a similar point in our marriage. Why didn't your wife also feel this way?

 

Did your wife tell you she was unhappy with anything about you after you found out about the affair? Did it turn out that she thought you were a terrible husband, falling far short of meeting her needs? In hindsight, were there any signs that she was unhappy enough to have an affair or any signs that she tried to talk to you about what was missing and you didn't listen?

 

What was her reason for having the affair?

 

 

 

Does she have any issues from her childhood - any abuse or abandonment-type issues?

 

I agree with you that the timing of this affair throws up some huge red flags to me.

 

The reason she gives for the affair is that she had felt like she had lost her voice. She said that she felt she could not talk to me about things, and that it was not my fault that she felt this way. She says it's something she has always needed to work on.

 

She liked the attention this other man gave her and she says she was just playing a fantasy. It doesent make sense to me but she says it was like reading a book... After he came into town and she met him in his hotel she realized how out of control it had gotten and suddenly everything felt more real to her. So she stopped contact with him.

 

I can verify through phone records that this is for the most part true. Contact seemed to have stopped about a month before I found out.