Rather have an actual knife in the back

[Penorsword]

the only evidence for the "no home base" story is an implausible claim from a proved liar who is highly motivated to hide the truth.

 

 

Nail on the head right here. Well said lol

[Penorsword]

OP, you said if your wife is going to cheat again there is nothing you can do. A few have inquired what you are doing to know what is happening when OM comes to town on business with your wife. Are you just not even trying to find out when this is and what she is doing. ?

It is also ludicrous to think she went back to his hotel room two days in a row and did not have sexual intercourse. So she is still lying to you.or at least I think she is. What did she go back for, to discuss the weather.

You really need to find out if this has gone underground before making a decision.

I'm not sure nor can. Ever realy be sure about what happened. I know for a fact that my wife cheated on me. I'll give her another chance only because she seams genuine in her remorse and her desire to reconsile. She knows the cost of betraying me again, if she makes that choice it will truly be her loss and not my own

[Penorsword]

I totally understand this.

 

MY WS also cheated with a co-worker, they still work together (no one here in LS bothers to respond to me asking why I don't divorce her probably because they don't seem to like my views on infidelity) and they will work in the same building every day until she retires. This is not going to change, and I am not going to be able to do anything about that. Good on you for understanding some key things, things that I share:

 

You cannot do anything about your wife cheating (because she will do it without your permission, we both know that) but this is not the same thing as saying "my wife is going to cheat again". People don't get that. (But they do get that the choice to cheat is on the cheater. So go figure!)

 

You want to/are open to R, but the best way to R is to FIRST be in a personal place where if tomorrow you decided that R is absolutely not going to work (she steps out again, you just can't do it) the most important step for you is to be able to walk without fear! Excellent. My wife is very clear about this right now: I probably did not ask her to leave for the same reasons she told me she would give up the AP: FEAR, PANIC, the UNKNOWN, the HUMILIATION, the PUBLIC face of it all. But at month 5 I said to her: I am no longer afraid to end this marriage. IT was not a threat, it was a message to her that fear will not keep me. Now we can have an actual marriage because we both WANT to be in it, not because we both NEED to be in it.

 

After about 6 weeks the reasons for R became healthier: self-respect, recovery, second chance, recognizing what was good, reclaiming that, etc. FOR BOTH OF US.

 

I too have lost a lot of respect for my WS. I don't think it will come back either, but at the same time, I don't know that it won't and I don't know that what I will come to feel won't be enough. Im not going to make decisions about my ONE LIFE based on a) what I do not know or b) what some people in LS who dumped their marriages and are clearly in pain are telling me I should follow their path, like there was no other option.

 

So I am a reconciling BS, not fully 100% reconciled, but just passed my 1st year post DDay, and now my decision to stay or go is not so much about the AP as what I am willing to live with. And this is much more important to me.

The intrusions about the sex are still really bothering me. Less than, but not much less than before, but I recognise that its not THAT SHE HAD SEX but that I am incapable - so far - of dealing with it that is the problem. I hope to solve this problem in the upcoming months.

 

Happy to discuss this process with you further.

 

 

 

 

 

Well put man. I feel we have very similar views and feelings about what has happened in our marriages.

I wish you the best of luck man. Thank you for your support and your response

[turnera]

Is she handing over her phone for you to check? Does she account for all her time? Or are you just not talking about it any more?

[Penorsword]

Is she handing over her phone for you to check? Does she account for all her time? Or are you just not talking about it any more?

 

 

She willing hands me her phone or will open her email or whatever else I ask at this point. Although I have scarcely taken advantage of this. Like I said I don't realy want to be in the kind of marriage where I feel like I must do that. I won't lie I have checked up on her a few times though since this occurred. Let's not forget though the more closely you watch someone the less likely you will be to see them doing something wrong. It is when they believe your back is turned that they will make these mistakes.

 

She sends me pictures and stuff of her whereabouts to prove where she is. Without me asking for it. But she does not realy do much aside from work.

[Buckeye2]

I am very skeptical of the story my wife gave me as well but in the end it does not matter. My daughter is mine... Them are the facts.

 

Then why not get the DNA test since you will still love her just as much no matter what the results.

[painfullyobvious]

I may have missed this but have you blown up this guys relationship yet? You need to expose this loser to his family, work or girlfriend. This will also assist in the reconciliation process should you go that route. Other man had his fun make his behavior suffer the consequences. If he is in a relationship there is probably someone like you unaware what significant other is doing. I am a big believer in exposure. This includes your wife's family, job as well as OM significant other, family, job. I doubt their employer likes this little relationship if their aware of it. It is also a sure fire way to make sure affair is over.

 

I would talk to this piece of work OM as well to see what he has to say. Let's see if his details are the same as your wife's.

[Penorsword]

Then why not get the DNA test since you will still love her just as much no matter what the results.

 

i guess i just believe she is mine, she has started to look a lot like my side of the family, she has very similar skin, allergies, eye color, smile as me.

 

i have no reason to believe she is not mine realy. one could argue that my wifes recent infidelity should be cause for doubt, maybe it should. but i dont think so. i would be very very surprised to find out my wife had been unfaithful earlier in our relationship despite recent events.

 

im not realy afraid of testing her at this point. its not even something worry about.

[Fluttershy]

I am not a fan of exposure in the scorched earth sense. It is hard for reconciliation and it unfairly airs your laundry to other people who disn't ask to know. I am on a "need to know" basis.

 

There is a fWW who posts here named Anne. She still works with her AP and for them it has worked out. So if right now your not in a place you can afford her quitting don't let other people tell you how you should feel. But if it does really bother you maybe havin her quit will help you. I also think her willing to quit is the big thing. I remember you said they don't work daily together as he is from another town? In that case I fully understand her quitting not being as important as say they were on a one on one project everyday.

 

And keep up the workin on yourself. I made myself into a stronger more independant woman and that helped a lot for me. Self growth is never a bad thing. And I think can help stay or go.

[Penorsword]

I may have missed this but have you blown up this guys relationship yet? You need to expose this loser to his family, work or girlfriend. This will also assist in the reconciliation process should you go that route. Other man had his fun make his behavior suffer the consequences. If he is in a relationship there is probably someone like you unaware what significant other is doing. I am a big believer in exposure. This includes your wife's family, job as well as OM significant other, family, job. I doubt their employer likes this little relationship if their aware of it. It is also a sure fire way to make sure affair is over.

 

I would talk to this piece of work OM as well to see what he has to say. Let's see if his details are the same as your wife's.

 

 

oh yeah buddy everyone knows about this. i did talk to him, i talked to his chick. for real everyone knows. my wifes little secret has been cast out unto the light for all to see and pass judgement!

 

[Penorsword]

I am not a fan of exposure in the scorched earth sense. It is hard for reconciliation and it unfairly airs your laundry to other people who disn't ask to know. I am on a "need to know" basis.

 

There is a fWW who posts here named Anne. She still works with her AP and for them it has worked out. So if right now your not in a place you can afford her quitting don't let other people tell you how you should feel. But if it does really bother you maybe havin her quit will help you. I also think her willing to quit is the big thing. I remember you said they don't work daily together as he is from another town? In that case I fully understand her quitting not being as important as say they were on a one on one project everyday.

 

And keep up the workin on yourself. I made myself into a stronger more independant woman and that helped a lot for me. Self growth is never a bad thing. And I think can help stay or go.

 

i just dont like to be secretive. whn im sad i show it, and i give people an honest answer about the reason why if they ask me. i 100% agree with you about self improvement.

 

yeah i hate that they work togather, but he is only in town for a week every few months. if she wanted to cheat an me again making her quit would not stop her anyway so whats the point. she can find a new job when im done with school as far as im concerned.

[Fluttershy]

i just dont like to be secretive. whn im sad i show it, and i give people an honest answer about the reason why if they ask me. i 100% agree with you about self improvement.

 

yeah i hate that they work togather, but he is only in town for a week every few months. if she wanted to cheat an me again making her quit would not stop her anyway so whats the point. she can find a new job when im done with school as far as im concerned.

Like I said "need to know". There is such thing as sharing too much information. Sometimes tact and discretion are called for.

 

Would your wife put her notice in if you asked?

[fellini]

oh yeah buddy everyone knows about this. i did talk to him, i talked to his chick. for real everyone knows. my wifes little secret has been cast out unto the light for all to see and pass judgement!

 

 

I envy you! Blowing the lid is one great way to put an end to it once and for all. It is very hard to get back into an affair if the cover is gone, and you have a hundred eyes on them both watching for a slip up. You don't need GPS, you have BIG BROTHER!!!

 

In my case blowing the lid would ruin my WS's career. She is one of the very best teachers in her Faculty (If I may say so myself - but in fact it's her student's evaluations :-) ) and absolutely ZERO good will come of this for me just to get some weak revenge on the POS AP. I already sent him a happy one year anniversary WITHOUT MY WIFE email, and basically told him everything I needed to say with as much restraint as possible. And I have the GPS activated on her phone, which she has no idea about because she is such a Luddite when it comes to tech. (That's how I found out in the first place, she was googling psychology of infidelity on her Ipad and didn't bother to close the app properly: WHOA WHATS THIS ABOUT!)

 

So if I ever want to know where she is, I can always check up on her if I want, but I do so pretty infrequently.

 

Good luck man.

Edited May 6, 2014 by fellini

[Buckeye2]

i guess i just believe she is mine, she has started to look a lot like my side of the family, she has very similar skin, allergies, eye color, smile as me... im not realy afraid of testing her at this point. its not even something worry about.

 

I’m not trying to give you a hard time about the DNA. I guess I’m just biased because I have a degree in genetics. For $160 you will not have to guess.

 

I have no problem with my daughter-in-law but if my son has a kid I’m going to test it with my cheek swab and not tell anyone. It's so easy there is no reason not to. It will cost more to test for a grandparent but I think it's worth it.

 

While there is certainly a negative side to your wife keeping her job there is also a positive. If you get a divorce the more she makes the better for you as far as alimony is concerned. She might be paying you.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Buckeye2

[veritas lux mea]

I’m not trying to give you a hard time about the DNA. I guess I’m just biased because I have a degree in genetics. For $160 you will not have to guess.

 

I have no problem with my daughter-in-law but if my son has a kid I’m going to test it with my cheek swab and not tell anyone. It's so easy there is no reason not to. It will cost more to test for a grandparent but I think it's worth it.

 

While there is certainly a negative side to your wife keeping her job there is also a positive. If you get a divorce the more she makes the better for you as far as alimony is concerned. She might be paying you.

 

YIKES!!!! In a completely hypothetical world where I had never cheated and had kids, if I found out my FIL did such a thing the man would never ever be welcome in my home again.

[Buckeye2]

YIKES!!!! In a completely hypothetical world where I had never cheated and had kids, if I found out my FIL did such a thing the man would never ever be welcome in my home again.

 

 

I guess I’m a little jaded by reading LS too much.

 

 

Raising a child is very costly both emotionally and finically. It’s a lifetime commitment more so than even a marriage. A parent is only as happy as their least happy child.

 

 

My point is that it’s so simple and inexpensive to confirm paternity that it’s silly not to even if it’s a one in a million chance that you’re not the father. Also, hospitals aren’t perfect and have mixed up kids in the past.

 

 

I can understand why my daughter-in-law might be upset and that is why I will use my DNA and not involve my son.

Edited May 7, 2014 by Buckeye2

[SoleMate]

Penorsword, I believe it is imperative for you to see a family lawyer and learn what you have to do to protect your rights to your daughter. Just 1 possible scenario for you....and BTW this has nothing to do with her actually being the bio offspring of the OM, it has to do with legal procedure:

 

Six months from now, wife decides she may not want to be married anymore and/or OM starts to wonder if the kid is his. If the two of them collaborate, they may have the right to file a paternity petition and potentially force a paternity determination. Steps you take now may make this more difficult for them. At some point, your paternity will become an unrebuttable legal presumption.

 

I hasten to add that possible scenarios depend strongly on your state's laws, as well as the exact facts, timing, and also possible actions of your wife and the OM. The laws on paternity are very poorly understood by most and have quite surprising provisions that you wouldn't be able to guess or intuit. Therefore, you need expert advice tailored to your exact situation.

[Penorsword]

Update:

it has been 10 years. Time flys I doubt any of the original participants will ever see this but you never know if my story might help someone. 
 

following the discovery of my wife’s affair I was an emotional disaster for years. Even now I have bad days and have a difficult time showing my wife respect or affection at times. 
 

I did go back to school and received an engineering degree from one of the top 50 schools in the country. I now have a management position and am proud of what I have accomplished. I have also gotten into the best shape of my life. At 41 I can honestly say I am an Elite level athlete. Much of this accomplishment though admittedly stems from insecurity caused by my wife’s infidelity. 
 

I strive to be better because I never feel like I’m enough. But that being said my wife has done just about everything you might ask of someone in her position. At times I have treated her poorly due to anger and resentment that I can’t seem to let go of. Most of the time things are pretty good now though. The anger and resentment are really a problem that is on me at this point and something I am working to overcome. 
 

her story still has not changed. She still claims that she went to the hotel and got cold feet while making out and left. This story does not make any sense to me to this day as I’m sure it does not make sense to many of you. She continues to work at the same company but he left about 3 years ago. I have no evidence or reason to believe she has continued her affair in any way with him or anyone else. 

Since her affair I have had access to all of her devices and passwords as well as having her location on her phone at all times. She has mine as well. I have checked up on her at times although not frequently and found no evidence that would sudgest she is being anything but honest.

we have two children now. An 11 year old and a 5 year old. Truly amazing kids. Bettter than me and her in almost every way. I hope they never change. 
 

it’s not a Cinderella story. My heart still aches and the effects of her actions changed us forever. But this is the reality of what reconciliation really looks like for anyone who is considering it. If your cheating wife or cheating husband is not willing to go through what I described here I would not attempt it. Honestly if you do not already have children I would not attempt it. 

I know there are a lot of broken hearts on this forum. I wish you all the very best. I’ll do my best to check back for a couple days to see if anyone has any questions. 
 

 

 

 

Edited October 6, 2023 by Penorsword
Spelling and grammer.