AnyaNova Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I am a woman, 35, and I don't drink much, and technically speaking. I want a partner who doesn't drink much either. However, I guess I'm wondering where to sit, where to look (so often there is so much to see that my head just keeps whipping back and forth and I'm kind of like a deer in headlights). But what do I do? Should I bring a book? What should I wear so as to not be too obviously looking, but look nice enough to be attractive? How do I tell the taken from the not taken so as to not waste effort and time and eye contact? I really have no idea about the culture and what is expected, so please walk me through it. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Don't go to a bar if you yourself don't drink much and you are looking to meet people who don't drink much. You mention books...why not a bookstore or a coffee shop...? Women reading a book alone with a coffee shop are much less awkward looking than women reading a book alone in a bar... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 What Hokie said. If you want a partner who doesn't drink much, a bar - upscale or not - is the last place to look for a partner. Coffee shops and bookstores are great places to meet people with the same interests. Some of us have done with Online Dating, but that takes a lot of work. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I am a woman, 35, and I don't drink much, and technically speaking. I want a partner who doesn't drink much either. However, I guess I'm wondering where to sit, where to look (so often there is so much to see that my head just keeps whipping back and forth and I'm kind of like a deer in headlights). But what do I do? Should I bring a book? What should I wear so as to not be too obviously looking, but look nice enough to be attractive? How do I tell the taken from the not taken so as to not waste effort and time and eye contact? I really have no idea about the culture and what is expected, so please walk me through it. :-) If you don't drink, going to a bar is kind of an odd place to go to meet another non-drinker. Why not go with a friend? I think going with another single friend may make it less awkward for you. You can sit by the bar, talk to your friend, order a non-alcoholic drink, scan the room but not like you're crazy and whipping your head, if you see a man that's attractive, smile at him, and have body language that shows you're receptive. To be honest, flirting comes naturally to me, so sometimes it is hard for me to explain certain things as no one explained them to me. I dress up, I go out, I make eye contact, I smile, and it works, men approach me. I don't go to bars alone. I at least go with one friend. One is probably best as a man may be a bit intimidated to approach if there is a gaggle of women with you. Please don't take a book with you to an upscale bar or any bar. That will be very weird and it will most likely also be very low lighting so it will seem very strange. At a coffee shop that works though and if you don't drink that is also another possible place to meet men. Wear something you look nice in. If it is an upscale bar you want to dress nicely, not jeans and a tshirt. But whatever is nice to you. You can wear some black skinny jeans and a nice top with or without a blazer, some heels if you're comfy in that, or a not too flashy dress with a blazer. I'm throwing out ideas that are my style but you wear whatever you like that you feel like you look nice in. If he has a ring on his ring finger on the left hand, he's taken. If he's with a woman and they seem close, he's taken. If a man shows interest in you, go with it. If it leads to more then find out if he is single. Unless you plan to do the approaching, if a man approaches, you don't have to be the one to worry too much about if he's taken. Don't sweat it though. My main advice is to go with a more experienced girlfriend of yours, relax, have fun, smile, be receptive and don't over think it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 To clarify, on the one hand, I'm not discounting the idea of actually meeting someone there, but for me it would be more about practicing the gawd awful process of getting to know someone and moving from "fingernails on chalkboard" small talk to stuff actually worth talking about so you can get to know them. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I am a woman, 35, and I don't drink much, and technically speaking. I want a partner who doesn't drink much either. However, I guess I'm wondering where to sit, where to look (so often there is so much to see that my head just keeps whipping back and forth and I'm kind of like a deer in headlights). You would be sending the wrong message if you were looking for a man that doesn't drink much in a bar. That would be a real awkward conversation as well. Coffee shops are great to read a book, but make sure to look up from it and scan your area. Make some eye contact and smile if you like what you see. But what do I do? Should I bring a book? What should I wear so as to not be too obviously looking, but look nice enough to be attractive? Hey beautiful, what are you reading? Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 The last place I'd look for a man with integrity is in a bar. Go on a Meet up hike or cycle. My girlfriend met a nice man at an adult dodgeball game on Thursday. Silly to go to a place where guys are drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 You would be sending the wrong message if you were looking for a man that doesn't drink much in a bar. That would be a real awkward conversation as well. Coffee shops are great to read a book, but make sure to look up from it and scan your area. Make some eye contact and smile if you like what you see. Hey beautiful, what are you reading? Well, mostly, the bar would be practice interacting with normal people as opposed to serious looking for a partner, :-) As for what I'm reading, I'm in the middle of "Irrationality" which I will have to wait to finish since I left it at my parents' house while visiting over the Holidays, I'm going to start a a book of essays by Milgram and I started a book that I intend to finish before classes start again called,"This Book is Full of Spiders." I don't suppose there is any shot that you actually don't live in NYC and actually are somewhere in the Midwest? :-p. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Well, mostly, the bar would be practice interacting with normal people as opposed to serious looking for a partner, :-) Normal people at bars? Usually people that have a weird story to tell and need a few drinks to loosen their tongue go to bars. So a bar would be great for some laughs and practice interacting with people of different nature, but I wouldn't label them normal. As for what I'm reading, I'm in the middle of "Irrationality" which I will have to wait to finish since I left it at my parents' house while visiting over the Holidays, I'm going to start a a book of essays by Milgram and I started a book that I intend to finish before classes start again called,"This Book is Full of Spiders." Hey, "This Book is Full of Spiders" sounds real interesting. Thanks for the tip. I have "Stench of Honolulu" on the backburner, but I will be tackling "Winter's Tale" soon since there is a film adaptation coming out in a few months. I don't suppose there is any shot that you actually don't live in NYC and actually are somewhere in the Midwest? :-p. :-) You know, I was thinking the same thing about you, hoping that you be just visiting the Midwest, and were a bit closer to the East Coast. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Not everyone in bars drinks to excess. Go during a weekday happy hour. Wear a skirt, preferably one that comes above your knee when you sit. Wear high heels .. . . . hose vs no hose is personal preference based on the weather. lol The point is to show the legs. Also wear high heels & dangle your shoe off your toes. You can bring a book & put it on the bar but you can't read it. Reading it screams "go away." It better be a conversation starter . . . no bodice ripping romance novels but classic literature is OK. If it's a straight long bar, sit in the middle. If it's a U shaped bar, sit near the corner that is farthest away from the door . . . you need to be in the middle of the room. Order something that will be served to you in stemware so you can play with your glass. Yes, it's a phallic thing. Drink very slowly. Tiny sips. If you are genuinely thirsty also order a glass of water. Smile, especially at attractive men. Know something about sports. Even if you just skim the headlines. Be able to ask a question about the local team. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Not everyone in bars drinks to excess. Go during a weekday happy hour. Wear a skirt, preferably one that comes above your knee when you sit. Wear high heels .. . . . hose vs no hose is personal preference based on the weather. lol The point is to show the legs. Also wear high heels & dangle your shoe off your toes. You can bring a book & put it on the bar but you can't read it. Reading it screams "go away." It better be a conversation starter . . . no bodice ripping romance novels but classic literature is OK. If it's a straight long bar, sit in the middle. If it's a U shaped bar, sit near the corner that is farthest away from the door . . . you need to be in the middle of the room. Order something that will be served to you in stemware so you can play with your glass. Yes, it's a phallic thing. Drink very slowly. Tiny sips. If you are genuinely thirsty also order a glass of water. Smile, especially at attractive men. Know something about sports. Even if you just skim the headlines. Be able to ask a question about the local team. What kind of drinks other than wine would be served in stemware? Wine is great, jus curious what my options are. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 If you don't drink, going to a bar is kind of an odd place to go to meet another non-drinker. Why not go with a friend? I think going with another single friend may make it less awkward for you. You can sit by the bar, talk to your friend, order a non-alcoholic drink, scan the room but not like you're crazy and whipping your head, if you see a man that's attractive, smile at him, and have body language that shows you're receptive. To be honest, flirting comes naturally to me, so sometimes it is hard for me to explain certain things as no one explained them to me. I dress up, I go out, I make eye contact, I smile, and it works, men approach me. I don't go to bars alone. I at least go with one friend. One is probably best as a man may be a bit intimidated to approach if there is a gaggle of women with you. Please don't take a book with you to an upscale bar or any bar. That will be very weird and it will most likely also be very low lighting so it will seem very strange. At a coffee shop that works though and if you don't drink that is also another possible place to meet men. Wear something you look nice in. If it is an upscale bar you want to dress nicely, not jeans and a tshirt. But whatever is nice to you. You can wear some black skinny jeans and a nice top with or without a blazer, some heels if you're comfy in that, or a not too flashy dress with a blazer. I'm throwing out ideas that are my style but you wear whatever you like that you feel like you look nice in. If he has a ring on his ring finger on the left hand, he's taken. If he's with a woman and they seem close, he's taken. If a man shows interest in you, go with it. If it leads to more then find out if he is single. Unless you plan to do the approaching, if a man approaches, you don't have to be the one to worry too much about if he's taken. Don't sweat it though. My main advice is to go with a more experienced girlfriend of yours, relax, have fun, smile, be receptive and don't over think it. Except for one, who lives hours away, my friends are all men. Obviously, that would not work well. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Anya, if you want to go practice at a bar, don't overthink this. I can't count the times I stopped in the bar alone on my way home from work, plopped down on a barstool and got the best beer they have on tap in a frosted mug and sat watching whatever game was on the TV or talked to the bartender a bit and just relaxed. Trust me, they will come to you! In a bar environment, it takes no effort really. I like the idea of bringing a book with you that you're interested in and putting it on the bar next to you so someone might use it as a conversation starter. I've been a bartender and nearly no women ever show up at a bar alone so I guess after bartending for a while, I was very relaxed in that environment and didn't think anything of being alone. I'd say I had a long day at work (when I wasn't working at a bar, mind you) and wanted a beer or two to unwind before I go home. By the second drink, I was usually out the door but if you go to the same bar a couple times, the bartenders get to know you and have conversations with you when you show up and men will ask the bartender if they know if you're single or not before approaching you sometimes. And! A huge plus once the bartenders know you? They will re-direct any low life types away from you! Women bartenders will especially do this if you're alone not only to save you the headache but they also know how dangerous some people can be. They will usually watch out for you. The only thing I have against this idea is don't do it late at night. Always bring a friend if it's late. Other than that, have some fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Normal people at bars? Usually people that have a weird story to tell and need a few drinks to loosen their tongue go to bars. So a bar would be great for some laughs and practice interacting with people of different nature, but I wouldn't label them normal. Really? That sounds like it could be really fun. And some great poetry fodder. Hey, "This Book is Full of Spiders" sounds real interesting. Thanks for the tip. I have "Stench of Honolulu" on the backburner, but I will be tackling "Winter's Tale" soon since there is a film adaptation coming out in a few months. It is. It is hilarious and creepy. I knew that I was in for a good read from the first few words. I will have to check out both of those works, I have read neither. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen the Winter's Tale performed ever either. You know, I was thinking the same thing about you, hoping that you be just visiting the Midwest, and were a bit closer to the East Coast. Well, after I have my Master's and begin my career, where I end up will depend on where the jobs are (with the caveat that I can open a private practice if certain hoped for life changes necessitate that strategy). :-) But right now, I am not, in any way visiting. And my family save my brother, is all either on the West coast, or looking to retire there. :-p Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Really? That sounds like it could be really fun. And some great poetry fodder. Yes indeed. You'll have fun. Well, after I have my Master's and begin my career, where I end up will depend on where the jobs are (with the caveat that I can open a private practice if certain hoped for life changes necessitate that strategy). :-) I gather from the book "Irrationality" and the Milgram essays you are focusing on becoming a psychiatrist. NYC is full of nutjobs. I often meet people that openly say they visit a therapist on a weekly basis. I'm convinced it some kind of fad over here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnyaNova Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 Yes indeed. You'll have fun. I gather from the book "Irrationality" and the Milgram essays you are focusing on becoming a psychiatrist. NYC is full of nutjobs. I often meet people that openly say they visit a therapist on a weekly basis. I'm convinced it some kind of fad over here. Actually, a music therapist (I actually read stuff like that for, ahem, "fun") but, psychological issues often come up in the kind of music therapy I want to practice (neurologic), because I want to focus on things like patients with TBI, Parkinsons, and stroke. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 What kind of drinks other than wine would be served in stemware? Wine is great, jus curious what my options are. :-) Mostly wine but certain cocktails are served in martini glasses. If you are not a big drinker & you would prefer to date somebody who doesn't drink a lot, don't order one of these; it will send the message that you are bigger drinker than you are. Some bars serve all mixed drinks in stem wear so look around at the glasses you see on the bar before you order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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