It's finally the end......and the beginning

[nan]

Alright this is going to be long.....

 

Those of you that don't know my story, we broke up in the beginning of november, got back together at the end of november and broke up in the beginning of december again. In the midst of all this we had the talks. He said "I love you, I'm still in love with you, I want to be with you, but I've already ruined things." And he would disappear for a week and two weeks at a time.

 

Anyways, I saw a thread on here that asked if checking emails was okay. This thought had never even occured to me. But I did it. And I found out the truth. As soon as he broke up with me, he already had another girlfriend. I completly freaked, that's even an understatement. I took a bunch of pills, had my mom wake up and comfort me, stayed awake for 2 days, I still haven't eaten anything.

 

So I went onto his account last night so I could email a friend the websites that they have for each other. She got on when I was on and said hi. Then she asked who it was and I said someone. She said well I know it's not Tr****. I said this is the person he's been cheating on you with and how do you know this isn't Travis. After that she said nothing. I said what's the matter does the truth hurt? Never a response.

 

Then I IMed him, saying he was a lying sack of ****, how could he do this to me, I gave him everything I had, and thanks for all of his stuff that's now mine (DVD player, his phone, his cloths.) And I said I hope you can sleep with yourself at night. Never a response. So again, I went into an emotional coma.

 

I spent the day crying, puking, hating him. Then he emailed me saying that he's so sorry that he found about this the way I did and he's sorry that he lied, he said that he was and is still in love with me, but he'll never be able to give me the things that I want and deserve. He said that he's just not worth it, or to live and breath. He said that he'll never fall in love again. He said that he's just there with her because she's on his level. Basically saying she was a worthless peice of sh*t, and that he was too.

 

And in a sick sad way, I know for a fact that this is all true no matter what any of you say. He's SOOO not himself right now. He's extremely depressed, extremely. And he's so caught up in it that he doesn't even see his way out of it. He feels like he should die. He has no job, no education, no car. And he knows that to be with me, he has to have all those things. But instead, he just wants to exsist. She's easy to be with, because she's young, ugly and I'm sure that she is just as insecure as her.

 

He's only with her because he feels that she's on his level more or less, plus a rebound. We were together for 3 years. He was my best friend. My support. My comfort. My everything, and he can't even be honest. So what, we broke up and he's already with someone new, that hurts within itself, but not as much as the lying, the deceiving, the making me believe that we were getting back together.

 

I can't help but think that she's pregnant. When he said,"I love you soo much, and I want to be with you, but I've already ruined everything." I know he truely, fully, wholeheartedly wanted to come back. Either she's pregnant, or he knew I would find out and that in itself is a reason to hate him.

 

So I talked to his mom for a few hours today on the phone. Mind you we never have had a good realtionship because he kept his family and his girlfriends separate. She got to see me, all of me. The parts of myself that are f*cked up, the parts of him that are f*cked up. How our relationship was. He's so private that he never even let her in, and I was the closest person to him. She just kept saying he's not being honest with himself and his feelings for you and he knows where his heart is, and I see where his heart is, and it's with you.

 

I said, that maybe the case, but he's already broken my heart, my trust, my belief in love, my belief in life, and most of all my belief in people. She wants more than anything for him to be with me, but I'm just so mad. If he came back right now and professed his undying love for me, I would do nothing more than kick him in the balls. He's hurt me more than any person should ever be allowed to hurt. I just love him and hate him so much.

 

I guess I wrote "it's finally the end....and the beginning" because it's the end of us and the beginning of a new life. Although I say this, there's still a little peice that wants him to come back and everything would be alright. But it's gonna take me years to get over him, this, and my trust to him. Even if we are destined, it wouldn't be until he was happy with himself, in school, had a job, a car, hopes and dreams, and then he could work on me trusting him again.

 

But I just don't think it will ever happen. I think it's over, and that makes me cry again.

[ex]

Hey Nan,

 

I'm a guest who has mostly been lurking, but have followed your story. I really feel your pain, and wanted to remind you that while it will take plenty of time to recover, that it WILL be okay. The pain will come and go in great big waves at first, then decrease in amplitude and frequency, and eventually subside altogether. You'll have days when you know you could do better (and feel better) and then revert to days of wanting to analyze minutia of what went wrong, then have days where you think you've almost recovered, only to have days when you want him back despite everything... and I think accepting that this is the course of a typical grieving process is part of the recovery. But I doubt that full recovery will take years for you. You seem way too self-possessed to let that kind of wallowing to happen.

 

I made a similar discovery to yours by going into my ex's email one week after last breakup (we had several over the years). I really regret that I snooped, of course because it's wrong, but mainly because knowing there was another woman involved brought me so much pain that I could have avoided. Despite every confidence I had about our past relationship and how much he loved me, I started to wonder about all sorts of inconsequential crap like did it mean he had fallen out of love with me, etc. I posted under "Similar Situation" if you are interested.

 

So how this applies to you: first, if you start to feel insecure about what you had with T, beware of looking for feedback in these forums. I think people here are extremely well-intentioned but they don't really really know about your situation. The feedback I got set back my recovery for a good week... feeling so hopeless about my ex made me ready to believe the worst... and though everyone who replied to my post meant well, I realize now that however clever their replies sounded, they didn't really know my deal. I realized that I know in my soul that my breakup had nothing to do with this other woman, and that while he probably is infatuated with her, that I am still the love of his life. Doesn't mean we should be together, but it is great solace when one is dealing with a third party in the breakup scenario. So while I don't really really know your deal, I want to offer that it sounds dead true that you are still his great love, and furthermore, that she bears no real consequence on his love for you.

 

Relevant Point #2: I think it sounds as though he needed to fill his feelings of insecurities/hopelessness about you with a relationship with her. Which is why you should work on forgiving him. He didn't mean to hurt you, he was only struggling to carve out some happiness for himself. I'm not saying "take him back" (I don't think you should) - just saying he was doing the best he could for himself during desperate times.

 

# 3: Please don't go into his emails anymore. 5 weeks after breakup (4 since I checked his email), I still have pretty strong urges to go into his account and see if their long-distance relationship is still on, whether he has cooled now that they have probably met as they'd planned, and had sex. But why should I, when finding anything about what is going on with him almost guarantees a setback in my own recovery. If he's still into her, it'll depress me. Even if he'd had enough, me being pleased about that is still me not moving on.

 

Lastly, your guy sounds like my ex after he first cheated on/ broke up with me the first time, over 4 years ago. In that he feels he "already ruined everything." Your intuition is likely to be most accurate, but I sense it's not that she's pregnant, he's just referring to the very fact he deceived you. My ex broke up with me the first time because he'd cheated on me. He didn't feel like he could do that and deserve me. When I told him I still wanted him, he was stupefied and came back very quickly after, even though she was still chasing him.

 

Of course I was happy about his returning to me then. In retrospect, I guess I should've seen that however much he loved me, eventually we were not going to work out. I didn't realize, until this last breakup, that there was a recurring theme with him - we go through a rocky patch, and he starts looking for a backup girlfriend when he starts to worry that we can't work things out. This was backup gf #3. While I don't regret having experienced the most significant relationship of my life, one of the lessons I'm taking from this is that I need to be more attuned to these kind of issues, so that I can get out before I invest too much time and love into a relationship that hasn't much of a chance. He was right from the beginning, I do deserve better.

 

Hope my rambling is of some comfort, Nan.

[nan]

Today I smiled for the first time. I went out with an old friend and just smiled in the comfort of knowing that he was there, and accepted me. I missed me. I'm loving finding me again. I'm a good person with a good heart and a whole lot to offer people if they let me. He just wouldn't let me.

 

He took all of my caring and all of my help as pity. I never felt sorry for him, ever. I just loved him and I would do anything for anybody I love. I still love him, and I probably always will.

 

He sent my mom an email in response to the one she sent him after his initial email. He told her to tell me that he hopes I can get help, and be happy (she told him I was going to counseling). He said he hopes he can fix his own problems too. He said I was "too good to be true." And that he'll never love again.

 

A lot of what he said in the emails are true. I know him well, so please don't try to convince me otherwise. I know that he really feels that he is a worthless peice of sh*t, and a wast of space and air. I also know however that the letter was so pathetic that he was trying to turn some of it around on me, I guess so he can sleep at night.

 

I know he loves me, he always has and always will. The more the story unfolds, the more people are almost convinced that we are meant for each other. My mom knows how much I love him, and now how much he loves me. His mom knows how much I love him, and how much he loves me. To be completely honest, it's quit a slap in the face what he did. But I know he never ever cheated on me.

 

I also know that if we do get back together someday, something like this had to happen to prove our love. I know that sounds sick and really screwed up, but you start to regret people. And I now know that he's seen what the other side of the fece looks like, and he knows the grass was greener at home with me. Hew knows that now. (For all of you who can't tell by now, we are both very young.)

 

And I hung out with my guy friend today, and not to be sounding cocky, but I looked hot and we are both on the rebound, so if I wanted to I could've had him. But it sucks when you're with someone and you can't stop thinking about someone else. I know he can't stop thinking about me, it obvious.

 

And then there's if we don't get back together, and that's going to have to be okay and an option too. Then at least I know what we had, and he knows what we had, and nobody can ever take that away. He will always always be in my heart, and he will always be one of the great loves of my life. And I know he thinks the same thing.

 

His mom and I have become extremely close lately. Somehow she gives me great comfort. And although I'm mad at him, and although I will not speak to him right now, he knows I'm around and he knows I love him. If I'm putting in the effort to try and get him help.

 

I've been sending his mom the emails he sends me and my mom, which will piss him off, but I'm pissed at him too, so whatever. She had no idea. I mean she could tell something was up when he goes from wanting to marry me, to forgetting about me. But she had no idea how messed up he is. He has always been very shut out and off from people, and I was the only person that ever really knew him, and probably always will be.

 

He doesn't trust people easily, and after having this happen, he probably won't let anyone this close again. That's just him. I know him. So no matter what happens, I love him, always will, and I hope he can help himself before he offs himself. I wish that everyday, 20 times a day. I hope he heals.

 

Nan

[strange love]

i don't expect much out of someone I want to be with:

 

1. Have a job

2. Have a highschool diploma or GED

3. Have a driver's liscense

4. Have a car

5. Have some goals

6. Love me

 

Hmm ok right.. I think that maybe you should just start off with being friends with your ex again and the love thing.

 

Its great you have all these expectations but I think you should tsop pushing them on him.

 

I dont have highschool or GED, I dont have a proper license, I dont have a car.

Actually GENE SIMMONS from KISS who is worth millions has no license either. Einstein didnt have high school.

 

I used to have a shopping list for people I was with too, but now I would just like a few things.. Have a job, be happy with me and themselves, goals are ok.. as long as they are their own goals..etc

 

Hey NAN why dont you try finding out what he is so messed up about? I think he could probably use a friend

 

well whatever thats my take...

read my update see what u think..

 

S. l.

[strange love]

ps ever told him that you are happy with what ever it is he accomplished?

 

s. l.

[nan]

Thanks strange love. I feel like I keep wanting what other people want. About the car, the GED, ect. That's not me. That's not who I am. If he wants to go to school, I would be very supportive, if he wants to just do his music, I'm going to be supportive.

 

People always say, don't lower your expectations. Well to all those people, you obviously don't know me as well as you thought, because my expectations have nothing to do with material things, with status. My expectations have to do with how people treat me. And I will never lower those expectations.

 

People need to do what they say, when they say, and treat me the way I treat them. He treated me like a goddess. He would hold my hair to throw up. He would rub my back when it hurt. He would walk to the store when I was sick just to buy me Coke (it's my favorite). In the summer when it's so hot he would sit there for hours and blow on my face and fan me with paper. Literally like one of those gods that have people feeding them grapes and waving feathers at them. He did that. And never ever expected nothing in return.

 

All he wanted was my love. I have a hard time letting people in. I have a hard time showing anyone my emotions. To all the world I may actually seem dead inside. He was the only person in the history of time to make me feel my feelings, make me see myself as a good person. He was the most amazing person that I had ever met.

 

But how do I tell him all of these things. He thinks that I pity him, and I'm only trying to tell him these things because I'm lowering my expectations and because it's what he wants to hear. Please tell me how do I SHOW him I love him, how do I TELL him I love him. I'm still quit pissed. I just keep thinking that if I stay around I'm bound to break resistance. If I prove to him that i'm not going anywhere. I think it will show him more than trying to tell him. I love him so much and I didn't always treat him the best i could.

 

I loved him the only way I knew how. I hate that me being a cold selfish b*tch pushed away the only person who I've ever trusted, ever loved. I don't even trust myself, and I trusted him. I'm going to counseling to learn how to be a better person, how to let people in. I just think, if they're not in they can't hurt me. But I still get hurt. Please tell me how to prove to him that's he's wrong, how do I tell him how much I love him?

 

Nan

[zep52]

It seems to me that you just need to tell him that you want him as he is, and then support him, and encourage him to be the best he can, u are both young,

 

I wish my problems were as easily solved as yours, you love him, he loves you, when u are young you cant see the wood for the trees sometimes, but as long as you love each other the future will sort itself out

 

Make the first move, swallow your pride, tell him you want him, every man longs to hear those words from his woman and the rest will follow

 

Trust Me

[nan]

I'm gonna swallow my pride. I'm gonna tell him everything. It's worked before, it's the only way left. The only thing I can do now is fight for him. He doesn't play those manipulative games where I try reverse psycholgy to get him to do what I want. If he wants it, I give it to him.

 

It's the only thing to do. What do I have to lose. Maybe my pride. But so what. My pride is not as important as him. I love him so much. I got to do this.

 

Nan