blue963 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 I am a bit confused as the past few weeks I have had a change of view in how I see this relationship. I know that we love each other very much and things have been difficult because of the holidays and he is grieving the first holidays with both parents gone and there is another issue going on thats emotional, but that is just the tip of the iceberg for me I think. Our way to connect is thru chat and there were a few sparse days because he was working extremely hard and he was tired. But I think I have finally had enough of being last. I feel like I am giving all of these emotions, support, and yes I do get some in return too. However, I just dont see the point of all of this anymore. Waiting and hoping for a few minutes of connection when he is spending time with his wife doing all of the normal things going out to dinner, watching tv, etc. I am so much more valuable than this...I know he appreciates me....but does he really appreciate me as he should? The only thing he has ever done is make time to chat. We have never bought each other gifts or anything because its risky. Never really made special plans to go somewhere together, do something together, etc. He did want me to go on a business trip, but my family obligations didn't allow it. Save the bashing of how terrible I am and get a single man.....I am just trying to maybe help myself and maybe someone else along the way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Hi, My situation sounds very similar to yours. I think what happens when you have a few days of no contact is that you get a bit of space to think about things a little more clearly. My MM loves his wife, but he is in love with me, but love in our sort of relationships is very transient. They can declare undying love for us and then it can all fall apart the next day. This sort of love is not sustainable. We sort of know this and this is why we get so confused as to why we stay. U am at the same position as you although I posed a hard question to my MM yesterday - I asked him how he justified the secrecy part to himself. He is struggling to reply. They're not all bad the MM. Often we catch them at difficult points in their life, when we too are going through things. The best we can do is let one another go. I think once you have the space and you start asking these questions you are on the road to becoming an xOW. Biggest mistake we make is likening an affair to a relationship. Affairs do not grow like a relationship they are stunted. The only way I think they could become anything is if they stop. Their marriage naturally closes and they regain contact and want to start afresh dating. It's so hard isn't it though. I'd never have another affair I can tell you that! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
soundsfamilar Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I feel the same as both of you. One method I use to combat the urge to contact my xMM is to remind myself of exactly those things we/he DIDN'T do. And how much the lack of the security hurt. As did his actions, when it was "inconvenient" for him to adjust his life a little for me. The quiet weekends without contact. The talk of not being "able to do this" anymore, because it was sooo painful... FOR HIM! I see so much selfishness in him now, even if his marriage ended naturally one day and we had an opportunity... I'm not sure i could ever see past the fact that I was so easily compartmentalized away. I saw this quote the other day on my young niece's FB feed and thought how much it applies to the OW/OM dilemma: "Never make someone your priority, to whom you are just an alternative." We are, by definition, just the alternative. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OWAmy Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 soundsfamiliar - that is a good way of looking at things. The compartmentalising is awful. Feels like you are tucked away until he wants to take you out of the box. This is how a lot of men deal with things though, I think it's their way of handling things one at a time. Bear in mind though that they put their wife into another box when they see us. Their lives are just a pile of boxes and the contents in some come close to spilling over. In my last email I asked him to explain how he coped with the secrecy element because I feel in my case this is going to get him in the end rather than the rights and wrongs about what he's doing. He's struggling I can tell you...I don't think I could have asked a more difficult question of him. Link to post Share on other sites
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