Abuser is "such a nice guy"

[turnera]

Do you have legal rights saying he can't pick up his son from daycare?

[Confuddled1983]

Do you have legal rights saying he can't pick up his son from daycare?

 

No and this worries me. He has supposedly contacted a solicitor but there is no way we will agree so it is most likely going to end up in court. Now if this was court against anyone else I wouldn't worry at all. I'm not "perfect" but no one could fault me as a mother, however, I am worried he may try and lie in order to get what he wants - it's just "normal" behaviour to him and he is very convincing unfortunately.

 

What I'm hoping though is that the court will see through him, surely they've seen many men like him before?

 

I won't resort to lying about him though, not that there is any need but I won't lower myself to his level. I'm really hoping his boss catches him stealing at work soon though, that way it will be evidence that he is a dishonest person.

 

I don't think I can get legal aid any more too so I don't think I'll be able to get a solicitor and will have to represent myself which is a scary thought, still I have no choice but to fight for what I believe is right for my little boy as hard as the battle may be.

[turnera]

Round up family and friends who will testify if needed. Have them ready so that you can bring them in to refute any lies he tries.

 

And get a journal and write out a history of all abuse you suffered at his hands. It may or may not be used, but it's good insurance to have, especially if he knows you have it.

[Confuddled1983]

Another update (I'm finding writing my thoughts out useful) -

 

So today walking past his work our son runs in to see him. I brought up maintenance, he hasn't paid for 8 weeks, I asked if he intends to pay or not so I know if I need to go through the legal process of claiming this from him. He says he will have it by the end of the week. He also apologised for his abusiveness the other day (when he said he was going to ruin my life) and that it was the stress of moving. (I wanted to remind him how stressful it is bringing up a child on your own but I bit my tongue). His apology unnerved me a little, it's something I actually don't think he's ever done before!

 

He then said that after he pays maintenance up to date (not holding much hope but I will take his word for it) that he's not sure what will happen after that as he's leaving his job next week! He has had this job for about 10 years, he claims his boss is a **** and was just moaning about him basically. I asked if he had informed his boss yet and he said he hasn't.

 

I'm a bit puzzled. He steals from his work, I'm not just talking a little bit, it's a LOT. It's certainly into the thousands. Now for the past two years he has lived with his dad with minimal expenses so he has had lots of disposable income which he has frittered away (he doesn't do saving). Yet now he has just moved into a 3 bedroom house (Why does he need 3 bedrooms?!) and will be having a lot of expenses with the usual household bills, plus he is in contact with a solicitor with regards to our son which will be costly .... and yet it's NOW he chooses to leave his job? I don't get it.

 

I know it's not my business but I can't help wondering if he's involved in something "dodgy" as a means to make money. He's been on steroids on and off for a long time - I caught him when we were in a relationship which resulted in me kicking him out and that was kind of the beginning of the end for us so it could be something to do with that. Or it could be that he's doing what he did before we met, which was illegal "debt collecting" for drug dealers ... basically threatening and beating people up who didn't pay up (I didn't know this until much later into the relationship). He brought it up because he wanted to do it again and I told him he'd have to leave if he did as I did not want any involvement in such a thing and it could bring trouble to our childs home! I was furious he even suggested it.

 

I'm quite intuitive, I discovered his cheating simply through gut feeling and then lying and saying someone had informed me of it when they hadn't. I even, somehow, managed to come up with how he knew her (through his sister) and was spot on. I've just got this feeling that something is very wrong but can't put my finger on it.

[turnera]

All you can do is distance yourself and your son from him as much as legally possible.

[Confuddled1983]

Round up family and friends who will testify if needed. Have them ready so that you can bring them in to refute any lies he tries.

 

And get a journal and write out a history of all abuse you suffered at his hands. It may or may not be used, but it's good insurance to have, especially if he knows you have it.

 

I'm trying to think who could be witness to it, I know his boss heard him the other day but I wouldn't expect him to testify. The problem is he is EXTREMELY sneaky, to the point where he is careful not to admit anything over the phone, although he did one time and my mum heard him. My neighbour witnessed me on the phone with him when he was saying about meeting men online and sleeping with them, she was in my house and he didn't know and she heard it all.

 

This is awful but, I feel sick just explaining this. I found a bag in our airing cupboard while he was living here. Just a regular sports bag. I looked through it. The first thing I found was steroids. There were about 100 (at a guess maybe slightly more or less) used condoms There was also, I'm not sure how to even describe this, a home-made "sex-toy" used for inserting into himself I rang him at his work, demanded he come home and then kicked him out. I felt sick, revulsion, anger. He then moved into his dads. A couple of months later my dad was helping me sort out the shed (I am terrified of spiders so couldn't do it on my own) - he found a plastic bag and found another of these "toys" and I just screamed and broke down. My dad was like "What's this? what the hell is going on?" and I explained what I'd found previously I'm not sure if this is even something that should/could be brought up in court - I guess his sexual preferences aren't really an indication of what kind of parent he is. I don't even care if he's gay or not but I just personally was horrified by it all and the thought this stuff was in our home with our child here made me feel ... I don't know .... violated? disgusted? Just thinking about it now and how it made me feel at the time makes me feel extremely sad, I really hit a low at that point.

[Confuddled1983]

All you can do is distance yourself and your son from him as much as legally possible.

 

I agree. I really think it's in my sons best interests to not see his dad any more - but proving this in court will prove difficult.

 

Also, despite everything, I still feel enormous guilt about not letting my son see his dad more - which is why in the past I have always given his dad "one more chance" to prove himself, he does well (as a dad) for about two weeks but then he soon messes up again. I'm not unfair, I don't expect perfection, I'm not a "perfect parent" but I DO expect that when he has our son he gives 100% and he barely gives 10%

 

I've also tried explaining to him, in a really nice way, that his son would worship him, that he would want to be "just like daddy" if he would just put the time and effort in but as it is our son doesn't want to go to daddies and that's sad for all of us, especially when it could have just been so different. It's like he's sabotaging his own relationship with his son.

[M30USA]

OP,

 

My ex-wife also accused me of all kinds of things. Do you have any hard evidence? I know you told us he threatened to kill you, and I tend to believe you. But has he shown that he is an unfit parent, specifically? Even my ex and her family claimed in court that my own sons don't look forward to seeing me. Which is a fabrication to help them win custody. My sons love being with me and it's clearly evident. So do you have any hard evidence? Please forgive me, I think you are probably telling the truth. But after being the target of numerous false accusations and rumors spread, I tend to not believe he said she said claims.

[Confuddled1983]

OP,

 

My ex-wife also accused me of all kinds of things. Do you have any hard evidence? I know you told us he threatened to kill you, and I tend to believe you. But has he shown that he is an unfit parent, specifically? Even my ex and her family claimed in court that my own sons don't look forward to seeing me. Which is a fabrication to help them win custody. My sons love being with me and it's clearly evident. So do you have any hard evidence? Please forgive me, I think you are probably telling the truth. But after being the target of numerous false accusations and rumors spread, I tend to not believe he said she said claims.

 

Hard evidence? Nope, which is obviously why I'm so scared about going to court - there is no point even mentioning anything I cannot prove as it will just sound like I'm on some kind of smear campaign, it's frustrating.

 

As for being an unfit parent there are several things he's done that gives me cause for concern,

 

He spilt steroids all over the floor (tablet form) and left them there in a room my son was in where he easily could have got hold of them

 

He locks our son in his bedroom when he is with him at night time - personally I feel this is extremely dangerous (what if there was a fire?)

 

He rang me once and asked if he could leave our son in the house on his own whilst he "popped to the shop" - the shop was just a 3 - 4 minute walk away but our son was just two years old, I was horrified but at least he rang me I guess.

 

He's very vocal with our son, very loud and I've seen him at times hit him (like a smack) but he doesn't realise just how hard his smacks are, how loud his voice is when he shouts - nor does he realise how the aggression shows in his manner/facial expressions - let's face it, I am terrified when he shouts at me so a 3 year old is going to be more so I really really worry about his quick temper.

 

He lets him down, we had arrangements when he was supposed to pick him up and then he simply just doesn't turn up (I always find later he'd spent the time with partners).

 

If we argue he'll refuse to pay maintenance - why spite his child when it's us who has argued?

 

My son screams when he has to his dad, he's fine with his dad if I am there but if he knows he has to go with daddy alone he cries and clings onto me. I have done all I can to encourage him that daddy loves him and it's okay to go to daddy.

 

He stole £300 of our sons birthday/Christmas money

 

He got with a crack addict, I refused him contact when he was with her because he had our son around her. There is no way in hell my son should EVER be around people like that and the people they associate with. I have a very strong stance on that. My ex moved in with her - he told me later it was like a crack den! Yet at the time he wanted custody and said SHE would be bringing him up!! She has a social services file that is massive and she's almost lost her own children due to being an unfit mother and he saw fit to try and get her to parent our son?

 

None of these things are extreme by a long shot, I know there are fathers out there far worse. The worst thing to me is his simple lack of interest - when he has our son he often leaves him with his sister, he sits and plays Xbox all day/night - now he has never baked with him, never painted a picture with him, never taken him to the museum, never takes him to the beach or the park, never had indoor picnics with him, build dens in the woods, played football or any other games with him, up until a few weeks back he didn't even have any toys for him - so basically our son was sat there all day with absolutely nothing to do - it's no wonder he didn't want to go. Now this annoys me so much, he claims he WANTS to have our son but when he does he doesn't do anything with him and pretty much ignores him. To be fair even his sister has witness our son not wanting to go and agrees that her brother doesn't do enough with him, she thinks it's terrible too.

 

Even when we were together he took little/no interest in our little boy, he was simply never here (always at work or fishing, fishing mostly).

 

I worry his lifestyle may impact on our son - the taking drugs, meeting strange men online (they could be psychos), his stealing etc - I worry that one day some not nice people will be knocking on his door whilst our son is there.

 

I've told him the past two weekends "Do you want our son?" - he just get's abusive?? yet wants to go to court? I don't get it, he could have had him.

 

He used to have him two nights a week, I always encouraged this because I felt it important for them to bond, important for then to have quality time together - I emphasized over and over that they should do something together. I now said he can have him from 9am to 6pm on the Sunday but he disagrees with this hence us going to court.

 

I don't think he means to be the way he is with our son, I believe he wants to be a good dad but he's too selfish to change. He, I think, could be a brilliant dad but it seems he chooses not to be - it frustrates me.

 

Other than our son he has a disabled (she's blind, can barely talk, is deaf and has very poor motor skills) daughter from a previous relationship, when we got together he told me he was seeing her regularly, he wasn't. He sees her briefly for a few hours about twice a year when his ex visits my exes dad. When we were together I begged him to seek access but he just shrugged it off saying he never bonded with her, I guess I wonder why he wants one child and not the other? even though his daughter will never be in a position to understand and therefore feel hurt about it I feel sad as our son will never know his sister.

[turnera]

I usually push families to stay together, but never with abusive men. Your son is better off forgetting him - as long as you don't date and/or marry ANOTHER abusive man.

[Betternotbroken]

Absolutely.

 

I am now wary of men who call themselves "nice" guys in fact.

[No Limit]

Don't let other opinions sink in and influence your judgement. I had this too, even my own mother would annoy me every day with it. I had to start being bitchy to keep her from doing it, which I was sorry for but if nothing else works, you just have to go the hard way.

 

You know the truth. You've seen it with your own eyes. If you trust what's in your mirror, then trust yourself as well and don't let anyone talk you out of it. And stay away from this abusive person for your own sake.

[maiden of rohan]

I experienced much the same with my ex. To everyone else, he was the perfect guy, so friendly, laid-back, kind, everyone loved him. I even had a number of people close to me tell me how crazy I was to let him go.

 

In all honesty, it brought to life the phrase "Behind closed doors," and I realized then that what he presented of himself to the public was not who he really was. I think he enjoyed being the "golden boy" who could do no wrong, and being able to get away with being emotionally abusive off the back of, "Who him? He couldn't! He's too nice!"

 

It did make it harder to get over it. It was bad enough that I was second guessing myself already, but it made that issue worse when those close to me kept telling me that I was crazy, and I'd let a good one get away. It took a couple of years before he'd start revealing his true colors to other people, and they began to see what I was talking about.

 

In the end, you just have to stick with what you know to be true of a person, and allow yourself to heal. You don't need anyone's permission to begin the process, nor do you need their validation. They don't know what he's really like, and you do.

 

Remember that a textbook abuser is this exact kind of person. They're charming to those around them, they are great at building a shallow facade in order to get what they want, and they're good at getting people "on side." This is nothing more than a fancy trick plucked from their wheelhouse.

[maiden of rohan]

This guy sounds just strange. Abusive, yes, but strange. And he might possibly be gay too.

 

The choking you and threatening to kill you part is the only outright, concrete abuse. It's definitely abuse. Everything else you mentioned is more strange than abusive, IMO.

 

Just a question:

 

Is it true that people have to lie to you because they know you can't handle the truth? Do people walk on eggshells around you, as your husband says?

 

Abuse isn't always limited to physical violence, M30.

[M30USA]

Abuse isn't always limited to physical violence, M30.

 

Trust me, I know. Sounds like you haven't read my story.

[maiden of rohan]

Trust me, I know. Sounds like you haven't read my story.

 

I've read your story. I was simply responding to the post you made in this instance.

[Betternotbroken]

In fact, abuse of the non-physical variety can destroy a life but in a slow painfully drawn out torturous way. And the strangeness, the strangeness is abusive as well, perpetual "strangeness" distorts reality and creates emotional and psychological confusion and results in the much discusses "crazy-making" that comes with living with an abusive person.

[pureinheart]

I experienced much the same with my ex. To everyone else, he was the perfect guy, so friendly, laid-back, kind, everyone loved him. I even had a number of people close to me tell me how crazy I was to let him go.

 

In all honesty, it brought to life the phrase "Behind closed doors," and I realized then that what he presented of himself to the public was not who he really was. I think he enjoyed being the "golden boy" who could do no wrong, and being able to get away with being emotionally abusive off the back of, "Who him? He couldn't! He's too nice!"

 

 

I went through the same thing- and get this, when he did finally show his true side to others, I got the credit for that too, I had to be the reason he was acting the way he was:roll eyes:

 

To note, I haven't read the thread (bad I know), but saw your post….

[Hopeful714]

In fact, abuse of the non-physical variety can destroy a life but in a slow painfully drawn out torturous way. And the strangeness, the strangeness is abusive as well, perpetual "strangeness" distorts reality and creates emotional and psychological confusion and results in the much discusses "crazy-making" that comes with living with an abusive person.

 

This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you.

[turnera]

Hopeful, have you read Why Does He Do That? if you are in this situation?

[Hopeful714]

I've read them all! lol

 

I am no longer in an abusive RS. I am actually 1.5 years out of an emotionally abusive one... and am doing very well.

 

However, till this day, I still remember the abuse and it blows my mind that it happened, that I let it happen, and how bizarre it was and crazy it made me.

 

It also blows my mind people stay in these, and worse situations for years!