Meeting the exAP is a good idea?

[Wambo]

I would like some advice and opinions please.

 

 

 

The way things stand NC is currently not working and is constantly being broken. At the moment I'm involved in a court case relating to fraud and currently dealing with a serious case of professional misconduct. This include sexual harrassment, bullying, career sabotage and character assassination. It serious enough this employee could cost me my job.

 

Having to go through the NC circle isn't helping matters and in actual fact making it harder to deal with these situations. Usually my NC get broken in the fourth or fifth week and there appears to be a pattern forming. Noramally she keeps her distance but shows some interest in me and two weeks later she would break NC. Afterward she would keep her distance and you get the picture. The only way around this is by quiting my job and at the moment I'm in no position to do this and this partly due to the misconduct situation I'm dealing with.

 

I know for a fact my exAP is too going through some difficult times and why I think it best to speak to her. I'm the type of bloke who kicks someone when they are down and I wondering if we had these talks it could improve our understanding of each others. Afterall we used to be very good friends and it's a shame her situation caused our friendship to turn into an affair.

 

Thoughts?

[OpheliaSong]

I couldn't even follow this post. Was it your former ap who is suing you for sexual harassment? Do you want to kick her while she is down? What?

[Wambo]

I'm sorry for a badly written post but I had a lot on my mind and nothing appears to be getting resolved.

 

I'm currently dealing with two situations and one is providing evidence in a court case. I don't think I need to go into greater depth than that. The other situation I'm dealing with is a superior at work who has a long history of professional misconduct and now has it in for me.

 

My exAP is breaking the NC rule every four to five weeks. This isn't helping because at the third and fourth week I'm emotionally in a mess and it doesn't make me look good when dealing with the work dispute.

[whichwayisup]

I would like some advice and opinions please.

 

 

 

The way things stand NC is currently not working and is constantly being broken. At the moment I'm involved in a court case relating to fraud and currently dealing with a serious case of professional misconduct. This include sexual harrassment, bullying, career sabotage and character assassination. It serious enough this employee could cost me my job.

 

Having to go through the NC circle isn't helping matters and in actual fact making it harder to deal with these situations. Usually my NC get broken in the fourth or fifth week and there appears to be a pattern forming. Noramally she keeps her distance but shows some interest in me and two weeks later she would break NC. Afterward she would keep her distance and you get the picture. The only way around this is by quiting my job and at the moment I'm in no position to do this and this partly due to the misconduct situation I'm dealing with.

 

I know for a fact my exAP is too going through some difficult times and why I think it best to speak to her. I'm the type of bloke who kicks someone when they are down and I wondering if we had these talks it could improve our understanding of each others. Afterall we used to be very good friends and it's a shame her situation caused our friendship to turn into an affair.

 

Thoughts?

 

What? You are being accused of the above and you say you kick people when they're down, and you put the affair ALL ON HER? Like she had a gun held to your head and made you have an affair with her?

 

Seems your choices, decisions and actions have brought this all on.

[Wambo]

I couldn't even follow this post. Was it your former ap who is suing you for sexual harassment? Do you want to kick her while she is down? What?

 

 

I will try to keep this as simple as possible.

 

 

*My exAP isn't suing me for sexual harassment and I haven't sexually harass her either.

 

* I don't want to kick her while she is down. I want to talk to her and bring complete closure to the affair.

 

* I'm in a work related dispute with a superior who's well known for his bullying. My exAP making me going through the NC process every month isn't helping.

 

* I'm providing evidence of fraud to a court case.

[whichwayisup]

Wow I wish you'd posted the above before I posted. I apologize for my earlier post. Your first opening post totally made it look like you were the one in the wrong on all levels, both personally and professionally.

[Wambo]

Wow I wish you'd posted the above before I posted. I apologize for my earlier post. Your first opening post totally made it look like you were the one in the wrong on all levels, both personally and professionally.

 

 

I actually tried to re edit it but it's too late now otherwise it would look something like this.

 

I would like some advice and opinions please.

 

 

 

My exAP appears to be having some problems and she will not leave me alone. We both work in the same building and from time to time she will walk up to me and breaks NC. I'm thinking maybe the best course of action is instead of avioding her is to speak to her and try to come to some sort of conclusion.

 

I know in theory I shouldn't speak to her on a personal level but I'm dealing with two important disputes right now. One is a court case where I'm providing evidence and the other is a work related dispute. Sooner I can have FULL NC, the better I can handle work related bullying and I will be more efficent during the court case.

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

[psm04]

I will try to keep this as simple as possible.

 

* I don't want to kick her while she is down. I want to talk to her and bring complete closure to the affair.

 

 

Wambo, I learned this lesson hard. There really is no closure that happens when talking to someone you had an A with. My xAP and I had several of these conversations.It almost always ended up with something getting started back, or me feeling like pure s**t after. He recently wanted to meet to talk (no reason, he says), and I declined. There is nothing more that needs to be discussed. If you want closure, you have to find it for yourself. In the middle of all the things you are going through, talking to her will only make things worse. Her breaking NC constantly just shows that she cares about herself. Don't entertain it. Silence is best, in my opinion.

 

Hope all the other stuff gets sorted out!

[luvsadrummer]

Ditto to the previous post.

 

Next time she breaks NC, don't respond!

Simple! Sheesh!

 

 

Block her numbers, emails, etc. Deactivate your FB if needed. And if that doesn't work, get a restraining order. She'll get the message.

 

Just be done!

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

I actually tried to re edit it but it's too late now otherwise it would look something like this.

 

I would like some advice and opinions please.

 

My exAP appears to be having some problems and she will not leave me alone. We both work in the same building and from time to time she will walk up to me and breaks NC. I'm thinking maybe the best course of action is instead of avioding her is to speak to her and try to come to some sort of conclusion.

 

I know in theory I shouldn't speak to her on a personal level but I'm dealing with two important disputes right now. One is a court case where I'm providing evidence and the other is a work related dispute. Sooner I can have FULL NC, the better I can handle work related bullying and I will be more efficent during the court case.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I wouldn't have that conversation with her, I'd write her a note and ask her to please respect your wishes to stay in NC mode, to leave you alone, and that everybody has problems going on in their lives. Suggest to her that she gets counseling or speak to one of her friends. wish her well and again, tell her to please respect your desire to be in NC mode.

 

Having a face to face you're gonna have to deal with her reaction, have to talk to her and give her a chance to talk it out and maybe try to convince you otherwise. You don't need this stress, so email is best.

[RickFox]

No Contact is only broken when YOU respond back. She can try and contact you and you can simply ignore her and voila, no contact remains. Honestly, you will never get closure , and she knows every time she contacts you, you respond. Don't blame the stresses on work for not remaining NC, all talking to her will do is open up more hurt. You're addicted, no matter what you say or how you feel, even negative contact fills that void. Don't respond and focus on you and YOUR issues.

[Wambo]

I wouldn't have that conversation with her, I'd write her a note and ask her to please respect your wishes to stay in NC mode, to leave you alone, and that everybody has problems going on in their lives. Suggest to her that she gets counseling or speak to one of her friends. wish her well and again, tell her to please respect your desire to be in NC mode.

 

Having a face to face you're gonna have to deal with her reaction, have to talk to her and give her a chance to talk it out and maybe try to convince you otherwise. You don't need this stress, so email is best.

 

I completely agree with you and the email is the best way forward. However all modes of contacts were either deleted or blocked during the NC purge and the only option left is a face to face conversation. On the plus side I can hear her side of the story and more importantly she can answer some of my questions.

[Wambo]

No Contact is only broken when YOU respond back. She can try and contact you and you can simply ignore her and voila, no contact remains. Honestly, you will never get closure , and she knows every time she contacts you, you respond. Don't blame the stresses on work for not remaining NC, all talking to her will do is open up more hurt. You're addicted, no matter what you say or how you feel, even negative contact fills that void. Don't respond and focus on you and YOUR issues.

 

I completely understand but the situation was slightly different because she was upset. If she was happy then I'm pretty sure she would have the strength to keep our NC intact. Instead she broke it knowing full well of my opinion of our situation. What else could I had done without resulting to her to tears or have a mighty long conversation with her?

[RickFox]

I completely understand but the situation was slightly different because she was upset. If she was happy then I'm pretty sure she would have the strength to keep our NC intact. Instead she broke it knowing full well of my opinion of our situation. What else could I had done without resulting to her to tears or have a mighty long conversation with her?

 

simple really, let her cry and move on. she does it to keep you reeled in and you will not heal because you allow these games to take place. she knows you have a heart and plays on it. it sounds cruel but it's the only way for her to understand that it's over unless things change in the manner you wanted. if you continue to give in the wounds will never heal

[trailrunner1975]

Ex MM here... I am a huge fan of strict NC aaand agree with the posters above. However, you have an unusual situation where ignoring her could cause you more harm in the short term. You have a harassment case against you (if I read correctly) and making ex AP mad right now could push her to join in on the dispute. All is fair in love and war as they say. It is a bit far flung to say she would testify against you in some way out of spite, but anything is possible. I say appease her for the time being and concentrate on the legal stuff. After the dust settles, go full NC, or as much as you can considering your work situuation. As for closure, you could be waiting for an eternity.

[Popsicle]

I would say yes it's a good idea if all of these cases WEREN'T already involving work court cases, but they are, so in this case, I would say NO. Do not break NC. This is a time where you both need to confide your non-affair related stressed to close friends and family for support. If you and exAP didn't work together, it would be okay, but right now it's not, because you are in the hot seat and so is she because of all the court cases and work drama you have going on right now. Keep it simple, do not talk to each other. You will both reroute your outlets to other people in time.

[Wambo]

Ex MM here... I am a huge fan of strict NC aaand agree with the posters above. However, you have an unusual situation where ignoring her could cause you more harm in the short term. You have a harassment case against you (if I read correctly) and making ex AP mad right now could push her to join in on the dispute. All is fair in love and war as they say. It is a bit far flung to say she would testify against you in some way out of spite, but anything is possible. I say appease her for the time being and concentrate on the legal stuff. After the dust settles, go full NC, or as much as you can considering your work situuation. As for closure, you could be waiting for an eternity.

 

Sorry for any confusion in my original post. I should of shettled down first instead of rushing into things.

 

My main supervisor has a long history of professional misconduct and he doesn't seem to be improving. I don't know if he's bad at the job and he's trying to hide this or there's something wrong with him? Anyway if he doesn't like someone or he doesn't get his own way then he turns on them and tries to get rid of them. He always succeed because most people either leave the department or leave the company. However I'm next in line and he's having a hard time trying to get rid of me.

 

The problem is I'm keeping the affair a secret but Human Resources are fully aware there something effecting me. However my main supervisor is using this as an excuse to get rid of me and applying his own pressure to break me. For example he tells others he's afriad I'm going to hit him but at the sametime he tries to wind me up.

 

I want to talk to my exAP to end this endless circle of monthly NC breakage. I'm going through early NC process every month and people are noticing this. I don't want her getting involved in this dispute and I don't want the affair to used to clear my main supervisor of any wrong doing. The only way to stay focus on my problems is for her to give me space and to leave me alone. For this to happen I need her co operation and for this to happen we need to have a discuss our situation.

[Wambo]

I would say yes it's a good idea if all of these cases WEREN'T already involving work court cases, but they are, so in this case, I would say NO. Do not break NC. This is a time where you both need to confide your non-affair related stressed to close friends and family for support. If you and exAP didn't work together, it would be okay, but right now it's not, because you are in the hot seat and so is she because of all the court cases and work drama you have going on right now. Keep it simple, do not talk to each other. You will both reroute your outlets to other people in time.

 

The court case relating to fraud has nothing to do with work and my dispute with my supervisor is being handled on a local level.

 

My main concern is the affair ended over a year ago and she's still contacting me. There appears to be a pattern and I don't know if she trying not go through the NC process. Maybe it's too much for her or maybe she's going through her own problems.

The main thing this pattern shouldn't continue and the only way to do this is by sitting her down and discuss the situation. I can't see any other alternative other than handing in my notice and struggle to find another job. The way she spoke to me shows signs she was angry aswell as upset. She wouldn't be contacting me if there is no need especially the affair ended over a year ago.

[RickFox]

I don't understand your need to want to meet with her. it's really as simple as saying I have nothing more to say to you, leave me alone.

 

if it's been a year, I. think you are being naive, she knows exactly what she's doing by breaking NC

[Wambo]

I don't understand your need to want to meet with her. it's really as simple as saying I have nothing more to say to you, leave me alone.

 

if it's been a year, I. think you are being naive, she knows exactly what she's doing by breaking NC

 

Ok what's she doing? Why exactly is she breaking NC every four to five weeks? I want to know so I can deal with the situation and produce little fallout as possible.

[whatatangledweb]

You have to do what is best for you not her. Cut off the ways she is contacting you. Do not break NC. This will only cause you more pain. If cut off then this unwanted contact goes away. You have enough on your plate to deal with. She can deal with her issues herself.