How to go about it

[HisPrincess41309]

I have been with my LD love for what will be 5 years in April. I want to end the distance within the next year or so... with him living in another state, what is the best way to go about moving out there? We talk about getting married, and everyone knows this. But before even taking that huge step we think its best to find an apartment first. I am currently working and saving money, is there anyone out there who has moved from another state to be with the one they love? How have you gone about doing that? What is the best way to do it?

[d0nnivain]

I always think it's a bad idea to go from LD to living together. You have never been together through the mundane. When you would get together it would be special & you'd clear out your schedules for each other. Now you will have to balance work, grocery shopping, getting sick, paying bills etc.

 

 

I would start by looking for a job . . . with all of the on line options that is much easier now. Back in the day when I tried it, my cover letter contained info about when I was going to be in the area to schedule interviews. I ended up with 2 & 3 per day because I only had a limited time.

 

 

Once you get a job, then you move. Ideally you will move straight into your new apartment but if you have to keep your stuff in storage & live with him for under 2 weeks, OK fine. He should be doing the ground work on apartment hunting for you so that you can only visit the best 3-4 spaces before making a decision.

[HeavenOrHell]

How much time have you spent together IRL?

 

 

 

I have been with my LD love for what will be 5 years in April. I want to end the distance within the next year or so... with him living in another state, what is the best way to go about moving out there? We talk about getting married, and everyone knows this. But before even taking that huge step we think its best to find an apartment first. I am currently working and saving money, is there anyone out there who has moved from another state to be with the one they love? How have you gone about doing that? What is the best way to do it?

[OnlyHonesty]

I have been with my LD love for what will be 5 years in April. I want to end the distance within the next year or so... with him living in another state, what is the best way to go about moving out there? We talk about getting married, and everyone knows this. But before even taking that huge step we think its best to find an apartment first. I am currently working and saving money, is there anyone out there who has moved from another state to be with the one they love? How have you gone about doing that? What is the best way to do it?

 

I wonder why people insist on effectively 'shooting themselves in the foot'. You want to jump from long distance to living together?

 

How old are the two of you and how much time in person have you spent together? It's possible that you are having a romanticized view of the whole thing.

[HeavenOrHell]

This article is ridiculous and way off mark, especially 'Men with rings on their fingers are dramatically less likely to be abusers of any sort', yeah cos a ring automatically means an abuser won't abuse. If I'd not lived with one of my first partners years ago and seen his true colours bit by bit and had married him without ever having lived with him I could well have beaten to a pulp by now, luckily I saw his true colours after living with him for a while and I fled to a refuge.

Living with someone in a committed r/ship does not = poor communication or a lowered sense of commitment.

The last paragraph does not make sense at all.

 

But it's written by religious person who's against cohabiting because he sees it as a sin, no doubt

 

>If couples want to dramatically boost their likelihood of divorcing once married, few things so widely practiced will ensure that than cohabiting. This is just the opposite of what most believe.

If women want to significantly increase their chances of being a victim of physical, sexual and verbal violence from their mate, cohabitation is what they are looking for. Men with rings on their fingers are dramatically less likely to be abusers of any sort.

If you want to learn poorer problem-solving, communication and negotiation skills in your relationship, cohabitation can help you there also. This is because the lowered sense of commitment and relational clarity causes live-in couples to practice and learn fewer healthy interactions.

If poverty appeals to you, cohabitation is more likely to put you there, compared to being married, even when both of you work full time. Marriage is a wealth building institution. Cohabitors are three times more likely to be in poverty compared to the married.

When it comes to keeping up the house, cohabiting men help out less with household chores than their married peers. Husbands pitch in up to eight hours a week more than their unwedded bros on things like toilet cleaning, vacuuming and mopping. And married guys complain less often about lending a hand with the cleaning.

Sophisticated research shows that men who cohabit before marriage become husbands who tend to be less committed to their wives, compared to husbands who did not cohabit. Cohabiting did not have this commitment-reducing impact on women. This means that women who cohabit are the greater losers in the deal, being more likely to be committed to men who do not return the favor.

In terms of getting out of a bad relationship, data shows that women might actually have a more difficult time leaving unhealthy cohabiting relationships than a dangerous marriage. This is because the woman tends to have less power, freedom and influence in a cohabiting relationship than in marriage. As a live-in girlfriend, her negotiating position in the relationship is weaker than a wife's position is. <

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have a friend who moved to another state in pursuit of a relationship (they are now engaged) and my spouse did the same. However, we all chose to not live together before marriage because of the future benefits of building our relationship based upon friendship, trust, exclusivity, and morality. So I agree with others that you shouldn't live together. Take things slower and see how you all get along through other changes and seasons first. Then, if things progress rightly, you can look toward marriage. If you want to see some more reasons why not to cohabitate first, check out this article. Hope the very best for you!

[HeavenOrHell]

I lived with someone for 18 years, our r/ship was built on friendship, trust, exclusivity and of course we had morals, people who aren't religious can have morals too!

I find it quite offensive you're implying people who live together have none of the above.

 

 

we all chose to not live together before marriage because of the future benefits of building our relationship based upon friendship, trust, exclusivity, and morality.

[justwhoiam]

First of all, I don't think the OP implied cohabitation, I guess she was just thinking it'd be wise to look for an apartment and pick a location where to live, before starting to arrange a marriage.

 

Regarding the article, I wouldn't be surprised if data proved all those claims and statements. But it's just how you analyze the data that can make a difference. I'm sure cohabitation is more frequent among people with less assets, because they have less interest to defend.

Marriage usually covers more rights but also entails more obligations. So a decision is up to the couple, depending on what they feel like doing. For many couples, there's a need to test the relationship by living together first.

 

I think that most people getting married want to invest in a project, the project of building a family, while most people cohabiting think they don't need a piece of paper. Some have no option (for a while or for good), while waiting for a divorce or simply can't have a divorce (the latest case shouldn't apply to the US though).

[liloldlady]

I always think it's a bad idea to go from LD to living together.

 

Ditto.

 

 

He should be doing the ground work on apartment hunting for you

 

Why? He's her man, not her assistant...

[liloldlady]

It's possible that you are having a romanticized view of the whole thing.

 

True. That's why a foundation of friendship must come first! That way, even if she moves for him, she will still have a life to live.

[liloldlady]

we all chose to not live together before marriage because of the future benefits of building our relationship based upon friendship, trust, exclusivity, and morality.

 

Way to go! Way to go!!!!!

 

So I agree with others that you shouldn't live together. Take things slower and see how you all get along through other changes and seasons first.

 

Word up.

 

Then, if things progress rightly, you can look toward marriage. If you want to see some more reasons why not to cohabitate first, check out this article. Hope the very best for you!

 

THANK YOU!

[liloldlady]

This article is ridiculous and way off mark

 

No way, I find it incredible.

 

Living with someone in a committed r/ship does not = poor communication or a lowered sense of commitment.

 

For some, it certainly is.

[d0nnivain]

Ditto.

 

 

 

Why? He's her man, not her assistant...

 

 

OK maybe "should" was the wrong word. If he will benefit from her moving so they can have a more traditional relationship where they actually get to see each other it would be a nice, loving, helpful gesture on his part to do some apartment hunting to help her out. He's there & will have more time to see places & narrow it down for her so she gets a save place at a good price.

 

 

If I was contemplating a move to be closer to my LDR partner, I would reconsider if I wasn't getting this kind of help & support.

[HeavenOrHell]

Then you're probably a christian, I'm not.

It's crazy to not live with someone first in an LDR before marrying them, unless you've spent months on end living with them first, so you can see what each other is really like first.

 

 

 

No way, I find it incredible.

 

 

 

For some, it certainly is.

[HeavenOrHell]

I Rather I'm stating that in general cohabitation comes with it implications that generally don't exist in marriage. <

 

I disagree.

 

 

>So I hope you won't take my thoughts as an attack, but instead as necessary entreaty.

 

Not as an attack, just nonsensical.

[justwhoiam]

Then you're probably a christian, I'm not.

What does religion have to do with anything here? The discussion was about cohabitation vs marriage, not cohabitation vs religious marriage.

 

Spending time together before getting married is quite advisable, but I could argue that skipping the courting stage in person could be detrimental. It's a natural step for most couples.

[liloldlady]

OK maybe "should" was the wrong word. If he will benefit from her moving so they can have a more traditional relationship where they actually get to see each other it would be a nice, loving, helpful gesture on his part to do some apartment hunting to help her out.

 

...unless he's up to his ears with his own business relations and trusts that his Woman can stand on her own two feet while he's off hunting for provisions for the family that he dreams of (as is our case).

 

If I was contemplating a move to be closer to my LDR partner, I would reconsider if I wasn't getting this kind of help & support.

 

In our case, we are both first born, therefore natural born leader. He's my Man, not my babysitter.

 

But I see your perspective and how it can apply to other situations as well. :-)

[liloldlady]

Spending time together before getting married is quite advisable

 

Of course it is. But after that, you go to your house, and I will go to mine.

 

I could argue that skipping the courting stage in person could be detrimental. It's a natural step for most couples.

[HeavenOrHell]

The article was clearly biased against living together before marriage as it was written by a christian writer. I can't see any other reason why someone would be opposed to people living together other than for religious reasons, what other possible reasons could there be for being against cohabiting?

I agree religion should have nothing to do with it as the OP wasn't asking that.

 

 

 

What does religion have to do with anything here? The discussion was about cohabitation vs marriage, not cohabitation vs religious marriage.

 

Spending time together before getting married is quite advisable, but I could argue that skipping the courting stage in person could be detrimental. It's a natural step for most couples.

[d0nnivain]

We lost the OP. Maybe she's off packing?

[TMichaels]

We lost the OP. Maybe she's off packing?

 

Or maybe at church.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CA2TN4Love]

To each their own. I, personally, am looking forward to my SO moving out here to live with me. I wouldn't ask him to give up the physical closeness of his family and friends and move across the country just to date him! He's already courted me for the last year and a half. I'm ready for the next step, which for me is cohabitation.

 

I don't believe in marriage. I don't want to be forced to remain with someone due to a legal contract. I want to be with someone whom I love and want to be committed to, and I want the person I'm with to be with me for the same reasons, not due to some moral or legal obligation.

 

I am a mature woman who can support a family on my income alone, so the poverty issue is out of the equation. I have spent numourous hours (more like days!) discussing life issues with my SO. We have overcome issues that we've been dealt the only way that we can, by talking. The lack of communication issue is invalid. I am fully committed to my SO, and he to me, even with a couple of thousand miles between us, so the commitment issue is obsolete. That article will appeal to people who hold the same views as the author, but is completely ridiculous to me.

 

I have seen PLENTY of married couples dealing with abuse, poverty, lack of commitment and communication issues, and that magic ring didn't somehow make them immune.

 

Every relationship is unique and should be treated as such. What works for your relationship may not work for mine, and vice versa. An argument about whether or not cohabiting before marriage (or for a lifetime) is conducive to a meaningful and loving relationship is pointless.

 

As for the OP, do what is best for you. If you decide to move in with your guy when you move, just try to bring yourself a financial cushion. I believe in independence and having a few months worth of financial reserves can't hurt. Start your job hunt now, and hopefully, you'll have a few interviews waiting on you when you get there. Thin out your possessions and get rid of clutter. If your move is a considerable distance, it will help with cost. Take care of any dental or medical issues before you go, as you may be without medical/dental insurance until you find a job.

 

And finally, congratulations on closing the distance! Good luck to you! =)

[liloldlady]

The article was clearly biased against living together before marriage as it was written by a christian writer. I can't see any other reason why someone would be opposed to people living together other than for religious reasons

 

what other possible reasons could there be for being against cohabiting?

 

I see no point in it unless you're basically doing a roommate thing and are saving on your bills (or using someone else to pay yours for you). Not romantic. Not love.