Husbands true porn habit, will nude pics of me help, and can I trust him again?

[CaGirl1980]

Yesterday I found out the truth about my husbands porn habit. He had always told me that he just masturbated to the thought of me. (naive to believe, I know), but now he has told me the truth, that he really looks at porn on the computer every time he masturbates.

 

I'm not sure if it's the looking at other girls part that bothers me or the fact that he had been lying about it for more than 2 years. I just feel very hurt, and I don't understand why he couldn't have told me the truth from the beginning. It seems that it would have been a lot easier to accept had I known from the beginning. I can't help but think that he wants to have sex with girls that look like those girls, rational or not, it's just the feelings I have.

 

He says that he'll quit looking at the porn because he knows that it hurts my feelings. Now he has asked if it would be possible to have nude pictures of me that he could use because he needs some kind of visual aid. I don't really have a problem with taking pictures, I just don't know whether or not I can really believe him when he tells me that he'll stop looking at porn. I'm not very attractive and I'd think he'd get very bored with the same old pictures. Am I just being over sensitive, or do I have anything to be concerned about? Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by CaGirl1980

Am I just being over sensitive, or do I have anything to be concerned about?

 

Yeah, it's possible. It would depend on if your husband's use of porn is having a negative impact on your marriage, and if the intimacy between the two of you is hampered.

 

If what is bothering you is limited to your own self-esteem, then that would be a problem that you need to address. He can help you by giving you positive feedback, but ultimately it's up to you to feel confident in yourself.

 

I would not make pictures if I were you. I'd allow the pornography instead. There's more variety for him in visual stimulation for one thing. And for another when he sees you naked in real life, you'll want to encourage a real-life response. (Also, some guys who have gotten really deeply into on-line porn have been known to post not only their own pics, but those of wives and girlfriends. )

 

In allowing the porn, you're asserting trust, and dropping controls. I personally am not comfortable with on-line porn where there are opportunities to engage in conversation with real people. A guy can get in trouble in that situation pretty quickly.

 

Possibly, you could consider buying a magazine subscription for him, or an occasional video?

 

He won't feel the need to lie to you if he's confident that he can tell you EVERYTHING.

[loudeeley]

I can't speak for your husband but in my experience, a guy or girl who is masturbating to porn doesn't necessarily want to have sex with the person in the porn. often people in porn are ming, anyway. the porn is just there as a stimulus, same as and no more harmful than closing your eyes and fantasising something up in your own head.

 

if i were you, i'd allow the porn - otherwise he might keep watching it and keeping it a secret which would be worse. maybe you could try looking at porn together - that could spice things up a bit?

 

i wouldn't take nude photos unless you feel really comfortable with it. and he's your husband, i'm sure he thinks you're gorgeous - he won't get bored with looking at a naked you!

[Mira221]

Hes been doing this for about 2 years now as you stated. Maybe he needs some counseling. Both of you do really. For his porn, your self esteem, and for the marriage as a whole to be able to work on things. Don't take nude pics of yourself if you do not feel comfortable with it. As far as letting him have the porn as others stated, its not a matter of you "letting" him have it, because if its a habit/addiction hes gonna do it reguardless. Yes alot of men look at porn etc, however the main key is if it bothers you then something needs to be done.

[zara]

"i'm not very attractive and he'd get bored looking at pictures of me"

-Hello???!!! get some self esteem, girl!!!! If he has asked for pictures of you that means that he does find you atttractive and sexy and you should be extremely flattered! Just think about it! he wants to focus his lust and desires on you, you lucky girl you!

 

I'm a stripper and i'll let you into a trade secret: confidence is soooooo sexy! Have a couple of glasses of wine if you like and have some fun with your Husband taking pics. Make it a regular part of your sex life, buy new underwear and outfits for it, get him a special box to keep the pics in.

You could even see if you could persuade him to pose for you (i'm a beleiver in equality!lol!).

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not saying your husband couldn't ultimately be trusted with nude photos. But I don't know the level of on-line porn use that you're talking about. Some guys get into it and lose track of reality.

 

Here's a thread from a guy who was in over-his-head:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49181/

 

Your husband has established a history with you of not being completely forthcoming. Maybe before doing nude photos, you should BOTH re-establish trust in the relationship.

 

If he's lying to you, he doesn't trust you with the truth. If he's lying to you, you can't trust him to be honest. It ends up being a two-way street, with both partners in a position of non-trust.

 

There IS such a thing as porn-addiction, but not every guy who looks at porn and lies about it is an addict. Nobody likes the 'guys-will-be-guys' statement when discussing porn, but if men weren't men, they'd just be REALLY hairy women!

 

The fact is, they are different from women....like space aliens really. You can spend YEARS trying to understand them, and never be truly successful, and yet...on the other hand...they are just as simple as they are complex.

[FolderWife]

nope! Read the hundreds of porn threads on here. Porn watching husband+Wife who doesn't want him to look at porn=Lying husband.

 

You didn't stumble across it? He confessed on his own?

 

hmmmmm.

 

Promised to stop looking because it hurt you? Yeah right. It's been my experience that a man will tell a woman anything she wants to hear, to get her off his back, so he can do what HE wants.

 

So he'll keep looking. You might as well just do the best you can to just get over it. If he says he won't look, accept it, and when you find it in a month, tell him that you found it, and that you aren't happy about it, but don't obsess over it, because no matter how hysterical you get, he's going to do what he wants. Be it porn, be it screwing his secretary, men do what they want, and don't give a crap about anyone else in their life.

 

yeah, he loves you, I'm sure, but getting his rocks off is more important than love any way.

 

-I'm talking about MY husband, and all the other husbands whose wives are on here because of their porn and lies.

 

He's lied for 2 years, so he'll continue lying for the rest of your years together.

[Moose]

Promised to stop looking because it hurt you? Yeah right. It's been my experience that a man will tell a woman anything she wants to hear, to get her off his back, so he can do what HE wants.

 

Monday, I know your situation and have responded to them. But you're right:

 

-I'm talking about MY husband, and all the other husbands whose wives are on here because of their porn and lies.

 

Don't assume that her husband isn't being sincere. And don't assume all of us men are like your husband. You really generalized men as a whole and I don't appreciate being in that catagory.

 

Based on what I know about you too, you're probably right about your husband lying to you for good.......you trap him every chance you get, and I would lie too just because I wouldn't have a friggin' clue what you're trying to manipulate me into.

 

Back to the subject at hand. I'd love to have nude pics of my wife.....I would even go further and make a tape or two, but I never asked if she is willing to do so. Even if she was, I'd make sure that our faces weren't anywhere on them.

[CaGirl1980]

Thank you for all of your comments. I'm still just having a lot of trouble accepting that it's just something guys do. It might be a big jump but it feels like someone is cheating because they're looking at someone else while doing something sexual, so it just makes me feel like he doesn't want me and that he wants someone else. I feel very alone and I don't really know what to do or how to feel. Anymore help would be great. Thank you.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry this is weighing on you so. I think if you read though some more of the 'porn threads' you'll be able to make a comparative analysis on the degree to which porn is a problem in your marriage.

 

For example, if you read through Monday's previous threads, this is a REAL problem. It affects not only the love that she has for her husband, but the sexual function in the relationship.

 

For me, porn ceased to be a problem when I quit making it one. My husband's interest receded once he had <a.> fulfillment in his relationship with me, and <b.> true acceptance of his sexuality.

 

Read also Flavius' thread on Male Sex Drive & Female Ambivalence: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49416/ It has some good insight into how important sexual understanding from both partners can be.

 

Once you have prioritized the problems in the relationship, you're in much better position to deal with them.

[ollydolly]

I know this situation can just feel sooo hurtful - mainly because you have been lied to about something which means so much - sexuality.

 

Does your husband do it all the time? I know you'd prefer him not to do it at all. You need to determine if this is addiction or just occasional.

My partner lied about this also but then fessed up just before xmas. He has an addiction and has sought therapy over it. He has never really learned proper intimacy and the porn blocked that in him even more.

Now the porns gone (via his own committment) and we are reforming our relationship based on truth and emotional honesty. These things come very naturally to me, but for my partner, it is a whole new way of thinking. I am 5 feet 10 with a better body than most of the girls in porn (my tits are real) - so attractiveness is neither here nor there with this issue. It is not about that. Are you and hubby still having good, regular sex? We were, but my partner always felt that it was GREAT - whereas I would have described it as PRETTY GOOD - but something missing. It felt one dimensional or something.

 

What makes me furious is that we had a deal before we lived together that porn would not be part of either of our sex lives. My partner wholeheartedly wanted this and kicked the habit - he thought for good. But when our lives entered a rough patch, he went back to porn as an escape (dope smoking also) and got hooked. But he didn't hold up his end of our deal and tell me what he was doing - not for a year. For me, this is the part that really hurts. Here was I thinking we had the best, most honest love relationship and I'm holding up my end in terms of openess about sex, love, emotions, desires - and I believed he was too. It feels just like being cheated on.

[CaGirl1980]

That is a lot of how I feel OllyDolly. I'm not sure it's an addiction for my husband, but the part that hurts the most is just that he lied about it. Your situation sounds similar and it does comfort me to know that others out there are going through the same thing. I hope that my husband will now be more honest with me, but I think it's something we're really going to need to work on together. Thank you for your help.

[ollydolly]

Cagirl, this issue makes me feel cut to bits in the core of my femininity. I've been thinking about this effect on me (it feels physical) and why it's there. The answer I came up with, is that during all the time of sexual sharing - I've been there with my legs spread wide open so-to-speak, naked, vulnerable, trusting - while alot of that time he's hidden in the shadows, witholding and secretive with a metaphorical cod-piece covering up the majority of his cock. It makes me feel inapproriately exposed.

[CaGirl1980]

Yep OllyDolly. I know exactly how you feel. I honestly believe that he didn't know exactly how much it would hurt me and I do believe that it was just mostly a visual thing, I just wish he would have came to me. I do not beieve in keeping any kind of secrets in our marriage and I just feel like I've been such a fool because I didn't know for all of this time what exactly was going on. I feel like I should have known, but I just didn't. I know he is starting to get a little annoyed with the whole thing because he really doesn't seem to see my point of view and he just thought that I'd be okay with it, but he said he's willing to do whatever it takes to help me get over this. I am very glad that he told me because at least now I know what the whole deal is and we can work on it together. We've actually been a lot closer since he told me, but still I'm just hurt to the core, my heart hurts, and I'm just hoping that it will go away sooner or later. Thanks again for sharing your experience with me, I do really appreciate it.

[grey-butterfly]

i'm trying to deal with this same problem, so i feel for you. i honestly don't understand why a LOT of men are so weak when it comes to porn. i hope things improve for you two <3

[Bob Dole]

The problem with pictures:

 

Once taken, they can't be untaken. Once passed around to friends and family, they can't be taken back.

 

Once published on the Internet, they're forever.

 

I guarantee you - if you give him pictures of you, at his request, to replace pornography for God's sake ... you will regret it. Maybe a great deal.

 

As for porn ... porn isn't evil, or bad. It's also not thrilling, or cool, or dark or deep.

 

It's lame. It's the ultimate sign of immaturity and loserdom.

 

No man - no real man - would turn to pornography when there is a real woman who loves him sleeping right beside him. Actually, no real man, no adult, grown up, mature man, would turn to pornography anyway.

 

It's lame. It's for curious children and losers that can't relate to real people.

 

Period.

 

And before anyone types up a nasty diatribe I'll never read --- ask yourself why you're angry at me right now.

 

Is it maybe because I'm telling the truth - and you know it?

 

Here's the one true test of manhood (and adulthood): is what you're doing something that, if you saw your father doing, you'd admire? Find pride in? Respect?

 

If the answer is yes -- bravo! If the answer is no -- quit doing it.

 

It's not about morality or right or wrong. It's about whether you want to be pathetic or not.

 

And CaGirl1980: if your husband won't stop wacking off to nekked girls half his age like an acne-pocked teenager left alone on prom night, he *is* pathetic. The fact that he asked for naked pictures of you to replace his habit is *truly* pathetic.

 

Tell him to be a man, for a change. Tell him to be something his kids will admire.

[Tangerina]

I don't think porn is great, but I also don't think it makes you a loser if you look at it.... do I have problems relating to real people because I use a vibrator to get off when I am away from my BF during the week? Does that mean that I want to leave him for my vibrator? nope... he looks at porn during the week when we can't be together because it is a type of stimulation that he enjoys... he is a much more visual person than I am.... I prefer naughty stories... am I an immature person who can't deal with real human contact and relationships because sometimes I read stories that strangers wrote about other strangers having sex that is probably not realistic in real life... nope...

 

PS this is an old post why are you searching for posts related ot porn?

 

PS I do aknowledge that porn can be addictive and cause problems in relationships, so can lots of other things, I just don't buy it that porn is all bad....

[d'Arthez]

And you may be immature for reading novels (cannot deal with the real world) too.

 

Let people enjoy porn and raunchy stories. Let people enjoy the sermons they may want to hear on a Sunday morning - but do not decide for other people what is right and what is wrong.

[witabix]

The problem with pictures:

 

Once taken, they can't be untaken. Once passed around to friends and family, they can't be taken back.

 

Once published on the Internet, they're forever.

 

I guarantee you - if you give him pictures of you, at his request, to replace pornography for God's sake ... you will regret it. Maybe a great deal.

 

As for porn ... porn isn't evil, or bad. It's also not thrilling, or cool, or dark or deep.

 

It's lame. It's the ultimate sign of immaturity and loserdom.

 

No man - no real man - would turn to pornography when there is a real woman who loves him sleeping right beside him. Actually, no real man, no adult, grown up, mature man, would turn to pornography anyway.

 

It's lame. It's for curious children and losers that can't relate to real people.

 

Period.

 

And before anyone types up a nasty diatribe I'll never read --- ask yourself why you're angry at me right now.

 

Is it maybe because I'm telling the truth - and you know it?

 

Here's the one true test of manhood (and adulthood): is what you're doing something that, if you saw your father doing, you'd admire? Find pride in? Respect?

 

If the answer is yes -- bravo! If the answer is no -- quit doing it.

 

It's not about morality or right or wrong. It's about whether you want to be pathetic or not.

 

And CaGirl1980: if your husband won't stop wacking off to nekked girls half his age like an acne-pocked teenager left alone on prom night, he *is* pathetic. The fact that he asked for naked pictures of you to replace his habit is *truly* pathetic.

 

Tell him to be a man, for a change. Tell him to be something his kids will admire.

 

I have used porn before, and I feel no embarresment over it. I have masterbated with and without porn. I have viewed porn with my SO, I have made videos of me and my SO purely for our own consumption, and I have taken pictures of my SO that I have also used as masterbation material. I am not ashamed in the least to admit this. However I have never allowed or even been tempted to allow any other living person to view the pictures or videos we made because they were not only great fun to make/take but they were also a physical representation of our feelings for each other. When we split she requested keeping them and I understood why. She wanted to avoid the possibility that they may find their way into someones hands. Even though she is my ex I would NEVER do such a disturbing thing to someone else. People who use porn are not sick or degraded. People who are addicted to a substance are in need of assistance not a set of reasons to hate why they are 'perverts' or alchoholics or gamblers.

[Bob Dole]

I don't think porn is great, but I also don't think it makes you a loser if you look at it.... .

 

While its just my opinion, I don't think pornography is, in and of itself, necessarily good or bad. I make no value judgments - it's only naked people performing sex acts.

 

For the young and inexperienced, a little curiosity is normal. For adults, very infrequent, occassional usage doesn't necessarily condemn them to loserdom.

 

But - bottom line - if you are an adult, and you regularly use pornography, if you have a collection that you won't get rid of, if you have thousands of pictures saved to your hard drive, if you *must* do it on a regular basis .....

 

Yep. You are, in fact, a loser. Period. I say again --- if what you're doing isn't something you'd want to see your father doing, if it's not something you'd want your children to know you're doing ..... and you're still doing it .... you are almost certainly a candidate for loserhood. Congrats.

 

do I have problems relating to real people because I use a vibrator to get off when I am away from my BF during the week?

 

Not a clue. Maybe. Maybe not. First of all, as seems to be epidemic on this message board, you're confusing issues -- pornography versus masturbation. But regardless, I make no judgments on either one .... except to note that, if it is a habit that you can't control, if you *must* do it .... particularly if its causing actual harm to real people .... then, yup, you are a loser, and by definition, immature.

 

Is that you? I have no idea. You decide. But I'll admit that I am suspicious of anyone who gets overly defensive about their porn and whacking habits. If it's no big deal, it's truly no big deal ..... but if it truly needs defending, well ... loserdom is on the horizon.

 

IDoes that mean that I want to leave him for my vibrator?

 

More repetition of things I never said or implied. Pay closer attention.

 

he looks at porn during the week when we can't be together because it is a type of stimulation that he enjoys...

 

Any particular reason he can't just think you you and your relationship while he masturbates? Or simply exercise self control (you might actually find that the build up of energy for that week has a few happy side benefits).

 

To answer your implied question: is he an immature loser? Maybe, maybe not. Can he set porn aside if he wants to? Is it an occasional pleasure -- or a need? You decide.

 

I prefer naughty stories... am I an immature person who can't deal with real human contact and relationships because sometimes I read stories that strangers wrote about other strangers having sex that is probably not realistic in real life... nope...

 

 

More problems with causation versus correlation. Seems like a plague here. You may or may not be an immature person. That may or may not have anything to do with your erotic reading predelictions. Up to you to judge. Can you set them aside -- or is it a need? Are you still going to be diddling yourself to Danielle Steel when you're a grandmother? If so -- is there *any* point at which you might just think that you're approaching loserhood?

 

PS this is an old post why are you searching for posts related ot porn?

 

 

An old post? I was the sixth one down when I clicked on it. Is that old around here? I wouldn't know.

 

And why are *you* looking for posts related to porn -- you did just post on other one, I think.

 

PS I do aknowledge that porn can be addictive and cause problems in relationships, so can lots of other things, I just don't buy it that porn is all bad....

 

I never said pornography was bad. I said it is lame. And it is, undeniably, lame.

 

Is it an addiction? Beats me. I'm not even sure I buy into all the stuff about addiction. But if *you* believe it can be addictive and "cause problems in relationships," why are you so uncaring about its effect on your own life?

 

Personally, I don't necessarily think heroin or cocaine are that bad. I suspect I could try it once and enjoy myself. So why don't I try it?

 

Precisely because 1) like porn, it is ridiculously lame, and 2) exactly what you said - it *might* be addictive and cause problems.

 

The bottom line: like most, you've swallowed the popular cultural line about pornography, without a moment's thought.

 

Is that cultural belief necessarily wrong. Maybe, maybe not. But the fact that its repeated over and over without any critical thought is at least troubling, and the fact that so many are so vehement in defending something so very lame is disturbing.

 

Not a big deal? Great. Quit doing it for a while. Give up Vicki the Vibrator, too.

 

If it's really no big deal, what's the harm? If you *can't* give it up -- and if your boyfriend *can't* stop spanking the monkey -- then maybe, just maybe, there's a problem.

 

And if you can't give it up - if he can't give it up - you both have shrines waiting for you in the immature loser hall of fame.

 

No offense.

[High Contrast]

If it's really no big deal, what's the harm? If you *can't* give it up -- and if your boyfriend *can't* stop spanking the monkey -- then maybe, just maybe, there's a problem.

 

And if you can't give it up - if he can't give it up - you both have shrines waiting for you in the immature loser hall of fame.

 

For someone who likes to berate the posters here for their logical errors, you certainly have committed a doozy right here.

[New_Wife]

CA_Girl,

 

I read your posts with a touch of deja vu. I had this very same problem early in my marriage. And like you, I got such a variety of opinions that I was more confused after than I had been before.

 

In the end, my H and I went to MC.

 

This is what worked. Because sexuality is so unique and individual, really none of us can tell YOU what is right for you. Nor can we tell you what your husband's motives are, if you can trust him, or he you.

 

But since this really hurts - I suggest you go to MC and work it through. Because really, the only "right" answer is the one that fits your marriage.

[P1xie]

When I first came on here I had a porn problem with my boyfriend. That was a year ago. As far as I know and I do not snoop he has not used porn since.

 

It still amazes me the guys reactions here, it's nothing, it's normal blah blah. Sorry a lot of women seem to think otherwise. I also was very hurt by some of the responses I received. I then looked at profiles and seen they were teenagers. Well yeah they are all for porn as it should be. That is totally normal also with two consenting adults.

 

If it's no big deal then it should be no big deal to stop. Yeah I have come to the conclusion that I am controlling. I am controlling what I want in my life and what I don't want. All you guys that are in a relationship and find that your woman does not want porn in their lives CONTROL your life and move on to someone who can accept it. Instead of lying and being deceictful. Stop trying to convince us that it's ok! That you need to be visually stimulated. It's a load of crap and you know it. You just don't want to give it up PERIOD.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for four years and I have not seen another man naked for seven. How you expect us women to say yeah it's ok to look at other women naked is beyond me.

[High Contrast]

How you expect us women to say yeah it's ok to look at other women naked is beyond me.

 

Hold on. You're a stripper that freaks out when her bf watches porn?!

[P1xie]

Hold on. You're a stripper that freaks out when her bf watches porn?!

 

Does that make me less of a person or are you going to call me a hypocrite. Or am I now just a nothing but something to beat off too and I don't deserve to be treated like I want.

 

I paid my bills. I did not get turned on by the losers that came in. I think it's quite different than jacking off to porn thank you very much. When guys would come in and complain about the GF/Wives I would immediately say "What are you doing for them right now?" Or "Why are you here when you got a perfectly good **ssy at home". No my views are the same at work.

 

I started stripping after we fought over porn. He was actually turned on by the idea of other guys seeing me naked which I thought was a little warped but you guys probably don't. That's just being a guy it's ok they are visual creatures.