Husbands true porn habit, will nude pics of me help, and can I trust him again?

[High Contrast]

Eventually something happened in our relationship where he understood where I was coming from and apolozied to me and said he was done with porn.

 

Suppose you had understood where he was coming from, and apologized to him about making a fuss over porn. Would that have been him controlling you?

[P1xie]

That is the question I have been asking you.

 

My advice to you is to stop thinking women are nagging and controlling and instead try to understand where they are coming from. I'm not saying you have to agree with them but calling them nagging and controlling is not going to get you anywhere. You said I had a warp view of men well from your posts I would say you have a warped view of women. Just because we may disagree on issues does not make us controlling or nags.

[High Contrast]

But you didn't answer me at all.

[P1xie]

Nor did you and you won't because if you do then your whole arguement would be invalid. It's too easy not to address the problem and call women controlling and nagging. A major cop out!

 

As for me I don't see either one as being controlling. The only reason I even mentioned it is because that is all I've heard from you and I find it wrong to say one is controlling when the other is not considered controlling. When the concept is the same. It's not my concept it's yours. You are the one calling women controlling and nags. I'm saying if that is the case what are you?

 

My view is that we all disagree on issues. Be it porn, staying out all the time, not empty the garbage, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, smoking, drinking. Discussing what we find acceptable is not a issue of control, it is communicating our needs and desires.

 

If my boyfriend did not try to at least hear where I was coming from I would of left him. If he copt out by saying that I was trying to control him or called me a nag we would not have much of a relationship.

[mymojo]

I'm so sorry mrmojo. I don't know what to say. He said some cruel things.

 

 

You know, the things he said weren't as cruel as the MONTHS he spent trying to tell me I was imagining things

when I'd try to bring issues up such as his inability to be aroused enough by me to reach orgasm.

[High Contrast]

So apparently telling someone what is acceptable, and letting them know the relationship is over if they don't obey, or showing pain and running a guilt trip isn't controlling. Then what is controlling to you? Give me an example.

[P1xie]

So apparently telling someone what is acceptable, and letting them know the relationship is over if they don't obey, or showing pain and running a guilt trip isn't controlling. Then what is controlling to you? Give me an example.

 

Ok High Contrast I will be the good little woman and keep my mouth shut. My feelings, wants and desires mean nothing. Because if I say what I think on a issue I'm just trying to control you and nag you too death until I get my little way. But hey go ahead tell me that you want me to accept it. Your not trying to change my views you are just letting me know how it is.

 

I have every right in any relationship, guy, friend family to say what I find acceptable. That is not trying to get someone to obey. Oh I am not suppose to feel pain either now. If that is the case maybe you should find a blow up doll! They don't talk back!!!

[P1xie]

You know, the things he said weren't as cruel as the MONTHS he spent trying to tell me I was imagining things

when I'd try to bring issues up such as his inability to be aroused enough by me to reach orgasm.

 

I know it's the most awful feeling in the world. When my boyfriend was doing his porn thing he would not be able to reach orgasm with me. It's terrible to say but you end up thinking what is wrong with me. Sometimes I would just say just stop you know your not going to get off. Leaving with that empty feeling...

 

I hope you do know it's not you. You are not the one with the problem. It took me a long time to figure that out for myself. Me saying it is probably not comforting but in time if you haven't realized already you will find that out for yourself.

[High Contrast]

Ok High Contrast I will be the good little woman and keep my mouth shut. My feelings, wants and desires mean nothing.

 

Alright, so then your boyfriend is the good little boyfriend who keeps his mouth shut, and his feelings, wants and desires mean nothing.

[P1xie]

I've already said we have open discussions on it. Neither of us once said you are wrong or you are right. We expressed our views. We are grown up adults which I beginning to think you are not.

[portableversion]

were EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING ELSE WAS ****. go to noporn.org and see the aforementioned in practice. The world revolved around the 'little boyfriend's' cock.

 

Good for you Pixie. you are very pretty. I can't believe your pathetic boyfriend picked porn over you. I NEVER would have forgave him and dumped his LOSER ass a long time ago.

[High Contrast]

were EVERYTHING and EVERYTHING ELSE WAS ****. go to noporn.org and see the aforementioned in practice. The world revolved around the 'little boyfriend's' cock.

 

Good for you Pixie. you are very pretty. I can't believe your pathetic boyfriend picked porn over you. I NEVER would have forgave him and dumped his LOSER ass a long time ago.

 

There you go! Here's a woman in control of her own life, not her boyfriend's.

[P1xie]

There you go! Here's a woman in control of her own life, not her boyfriend's.

 

Hmm..Now you are the Master of how a woman is suppose to control her life. Well I think you are a master alright...bates with porn. I think you are lying about not being into it why else would be he defending so valiantly?

[High Contrast]

Oh this is nice, a stripper is preaching to me about porn now. And I'm supporting breaking up with men that are obsessed by porn, and you take that as a defense of porn. Right. Such logic and such consistency! Republican much?

[P1xie]

lol dude get a grip and I don't mean literally. I'm not preaching about anyones views on porn but my own. I can care less if you agree or not. You don't see me saying that women are only controlling their lives in a good way if they leave the guy. If the guy don't like it they can also leave their women.

 

Oh I forgot I have no rights because I stripped.

[Milo]

P1xie, you are alright. And it sounds like you and your boyfriend reached a good conclusion to your problem.

[Grinning Maniac]

Actually I think she's kind of nieve.

 

Sorry babydoll, but your previous job of "pole technician" does play a role here, whether you want it to or not. High Contrast gave a perfect analog and you glossed right over it. To reiterate:

 

You work at Starbucks, yet you freak out when your boyfriend drinks coffe.

 

Your response: That your freak outs are perfectly sensible if "coffee is damaging the relationship".

 

Excuse me, but I think that you're missing the point. You see porn as disgusting and wrong and you don't want it in your life. Yet your vocation of choice WAS TO FLAUNT YOUR NAKED BODY TO STRANGERS. You-were-a-softcore-porn-star.

 

What's hard about this? It IS hypocritical to complain about your boyfriend indulding in something that you gave away to others on a daily basis. If porn pisses you off, how did you justify grinding on a pole in a thong while men hooted and hollered at your jiggles and gyrations?

 

That strikes me as the best example of compartmentalization ever. You can BE porn to other guys, but your guy can't watch porn.

 

Also, to dispel your theory that all men here at LS would love to have their SO's shaking their tits in other guys faces? NO. That would not turn me on at all. Furthermore, your dismissal of porn as a visual aid for guys is pretty dense. What are you basing this on? You're a woman. You're not exactly a good person to suggest why guys look at porn. You claim guys "just don't want to get rid of it. PERIOD". Again...how did you come to this conclusion? Doesn't seem very thought out to me.

 

I can't speak for the rest of the guys here, but I've consistantly noticed that immediately after I bust a nut, my interest in whatever pictures I was viewing drops to ZERO. Windows closed, tissues tossed, on with my friggin day.

 

(Silly stripper.)

 

PS: Let's play more fun analogy games. (everyone play along!)

 

- You're a filmmaker who hates that her boyfriend goes to the movies so much.

 

- You operate a pig farm and complain about your boyfriend eating pork.

 

- You're a chain smoker and you can't stand that your boyfriend smokes weed once a month.

 

- You had several gangbangs and an incident with a horse in college but won't date guys with "a past".

 

[keep em comin...]

[P1xie]

Actually I think she's kind of nieve.

If anything seeing both sides now I would say that I’m aware.

 

Sorry babydoll, but your previous job of "pole technician" does play a role here, whether you want it to or not. High Contrast gave a perfect analog and you glossed right over it. To reiterate:

 

You work at Starbucks, yet you freak out when your boyfriend drinks coffe.

 

Your response: That your freak outs are perfectly sensible if "coffee is damaging the relationship".

My boyfriend spends more time at the coffee shop than with me. He’s never home with the kids or me. Yes that would be damaging to a relationship

 

Excuse me, but I think that you're missing the point. You see porn as disgusting and wrong and you don't want it in your life. Yet your vocation of choice WAS TO FLAUNT YOUR NAKED BODY TO STRANGERS. You-were-a-softcore-porn-star.

As I have said numerous times when I was having the issue with my boyfriend I never danced.

 

Hypothetically speaking what if I said it was a turn on for me to dance. I liked the visual of guys being turned on by watching me. My boyfriend doesn’t like this but this is only fantasy there is no physical contact what harm does it do him? Is it because I’m sharing what should only be shared with him. My naked body?

 

 

 

That strikes me as the best example of compartmentalization ever. You can BE porn to other guys, but your guy can't watch porn.

Ever wonder what happened in our relationship that gave him the understanding of my views.

 

Also, to dispel your theory that all men here at LS would love to have their SO's shaking their tits in other guys faces? NO. That would not turn me on at all. Furthermore, your dismissal of porn as a visual aid for guys is pretty dense. What are you basing this on? You're a woman. You're not exactly a good person to suggest why guys look at porn. You claim guys "just don't want to get rid of it. PERIOD". Again...how did you come to this conclusion? Doesn't seem very thought out to me.

I don’t find it a dismissal just a sorry excuse.

 

I can't speak for the rest of the guys here, but I've consistantly noticed that immediately after I bust a nut, my interest in whatever pictures I was viewing drops to ZERO. Windows closed, tissues tossed, on with my friggin day.

That maybe true in your case but mine was different he kept some of his for sentimental value.

 

(Silly stripper.)

My point here isn’t why you guys do it. It’s the fact you call us women controlling because of our views. Not one guy here will admit that they are trying to control or change us by changing our views.

 

(Silly Boys)

[slubberdegullion]

Not one guy here will admit that they are trying to control or change us by changing our views.

 

(Silly Boys)

On the contrary, P1xie, when a guy expresses his views to his partner, that by itself is an admittance that he would like her to change her views. Now, whether that's positive or not is dependent on the specifics, but I for one have no problem admitting that there are lots of views that my partners have had that I have tried - mostly unsuccessfully, but not always - to change.

 

And I don't see it as a control issue. I see it more as an issue of bringing two different ideas about a topic to merge into one.

 

But that's just me. I'm a silly boy.

[P1xie]

 

And I don't see it as a control issue. I see it more as an issue of bringing two different ideas about a topic to merge into one.

 

But that's just me. I'm a silly boy.

 

Hooray a real man!!! That is what I have been trying to say. Read my other posts. That it is not a matter of control it is communicating our views. Doesn't mean you have to accept them. I'm just tired of guys calling the women here controlling, changing, nags, guilt tripping whenever they disagree with their views on porn.

[Grinning Maniac]

Not one guy here will admit that they are trying to control or change us by changing our views.

 

Actually it's more along the lines of "I have done this before you came along, if you cannot accept that a man will wank on occasion, perhaps this is not a relationship we should continue".

 

I dont think its really possible to change someone's views on the subject. Gain new perspective perhaps, but not flipping them 180. If someone likes looking at porn and you don't like people who look at porn, why would you start/continue a relationship?

 

More than anything else, the reason I think guys have a problem with women's complaints on this matter is because they STEM from things that are ludicrious.

 

"I feel like he wants the women in the pictures not me."

"He doesnt love me."

"He's just warming up to cheating on me."

"He doesn't think I'm pretty anymore..."

 

ALL-OF-THESE-ARE-TYPICALLY-BULL****-AND-FALSE-ASSUMPTIONS.

 

If those are the problems, then a lot of women are stressed out over *imaginary problems*. They dont really exist anywhere else but in the woman's mind. We've had enough threads on this for me to know this extends past my own head. Discuss.

 

 

PS: That maybe true in your case but mine was different he kept some of his for sentimental value.

 

Now that's a little creepy. Sentimental value? Mind going into this a little more?

[P1xie]

I dont think its really possible to change someone's views on the subject. Gain new perspective perhaps, but not flipping them 180. If someone likes looking at porn and you don't like people who look at porn, why would you start/continue a relationship?

Honestly if we were ever to break up and I found someone new. I would discuss the issue before I got serious with the person.

 

I found out later in our relationship.

 

More than anything else, the reason I think guys have a problem with women's complaints on this matter is because they STEM from things that are ludicrious.

 

"I feel like he wants the women in the pictures not me."

"He doesnt love me."

"He's just warming up to cheating on me."

"He doesn't think I'm pretty anymore..."

As ludicrious as and I'm speaking from my own experiences

"All guys do it"

"Guys are visual"

"What's the big deal you are just as hot as they are"

"It's like reading the paper"

 

When I asked him what he thought about looked at the pictures he told me he thought about what they felt like and what it would be like to be with them. The worst part of it all was when he would go in his bathroom stash and then come to the bedroom to do me after being aroused by the porn. If we are going to be intimate I want him to be aroused by me.

 

ALL-OF-THESE-ARE-TYPICALLY-BULL****-AND-FALSE-ASSUMPTIONS.

[Grinning Maniac]

Well actually those first two or three statements are more than likely true. A lot of guys beat off to porn (why do you think there's so much of it) at least once in a blue moon. It might as well be "all".

 

Guys do tend to be more visual when it comes to sex. I didn't know this was something that was even debatable.

 

Thirdly, if that is indeed you in your avatar, then I don't see how that statement is inaccurate. Hell you WERE a stripper, after all.

 

Those three things ae statements based on reason. The ones I gave were all statements based on EMOTION. I can do a scientific study about how many guys wank to porn or how guys are more visual when it comes to sex. You have nothing to bring you to the conclusions of those four statements that I made above, aside from FEELINGS.

 

Now then, your guy seems to have some issues that are above the norm. (Finally you specify!) But what you should understand is that they ARE above the norm. Women should not go "OH SEE PIXIES BOYFRIEND HAD A PORN PROBLEM THAT MEANS ALL GUYS WHO'VE EVER LOOKED AT PORN DO TOO"

 

K?

 

To speak from my own experiences, when looking at porn I tend to think about several things; the girls in the pictures, girls I have been with previously/or who I'm currently with, and when I'm unattached, girls who I've thought about pursuing. I've NEVER had a semi-wank to some porn before doing anything with a girl. That's just...odd.

[michaelk]

Well actually those first two or three statements are more than likely true. A lot of guys beat off to porn (why do you think there's so much of it) at least once in a blue moon. It might as well be "all".

 

Guys do tend to be more visual when it comes to sex. I didn't know this was something that was even debatable.

 

Thirdly, if that is indeed you in your avatar, then I don't see how that statement is inaccurate. Hell you WERE a stripper, after all.

 

And let's add to these an all important fourth fact that was left out. Men are not naturally monogamous. Whereas women are wired to attach themselves to a single man (historically done for support and protection), men 's natural inclinations are to bed more than one woman (historically to perpetuate the species). Some surveys show nearly half of married men admit to cheating, and while I don't condone this, I think it emphasizes just how strong a man's drive to be with different women is.

 

Given this, it seems that wanking off to photos of other women is not only in a man's nature, it's an outlet that's far preferable to the alternative of infidelity!

 

Those three things ae statements based on reason. The ones I gave were all statements based on EMOTION. I can do a scientific study about how many guys wank to porn or how guys are more visual when it comes to sex. You have nothing to bring you to the conclusions of those four statements that I made above, aside from FEELINGS.

 

Right on. Of course, it's natural for her to see the world in terms of emotions. And you in terms of facts, for that matter. You know, if it weren't for hormones, I doubt men and women would ever get together! ;-)

 

To speak from my own experiences, when looking at porn I tend to think about several things; the girls in the pictures, girls I have been with previously/or who I'm currently with, and when I'm unattached, girls who I've thought about pursuing.

 

Now that I think about it, when I look at porn, I'm not usually 'thinking' of anything at all! Let me clarify: You might think that I'd be imagining myself having sex with the girls, but that's not usually the case. Instead, I find focusing on some element of what I see (I'll avoid graphic detail here) that is particularly arousing.

 

The point is this: The experience I have with porn is almost entirely different than the one I have when I make love with my SO. There's none of the emotion, bonding, giving, etc. It's just a purely physical sexual act. If women could understand this experientially, they might react differently.

[portableversion]

And MANY surveys show that a 1/3 of married women cheat.

 

So i guess humans are 'naturally' non-monogamous'

 

OR a woman is only monogamous as long as the man is bringing home the bacon...failing that, she's on the prowl.