Painful Separation

[sadman37]

OK so my wife and I have been separated for three months. We have been together for over 12 years and married for over 11 years.

 

1. She felt trapped and wanted the separation. She told me she was no longer sexually attracted to me. I had hurt her really bad a year ago, and had done the same things years ago, while I was drinking, and it hurt her really bad.

2. At first, she didn't want my company. No sexual stuff happened at all.

3. She started wanting my company again a month ago, since I have gotten better with my bi-polar disorder.

4. The past two weeks, she has inititiated sexual contact with me 3 times, but we didn't have sex...just some heavy touching and stuff.

5. She told me "this is a huge step for me." (the sexual stuff)

6. She also has told me she feels closer to me now and also said she cannot imagine feeling close to someone like she feels with me.

7. Several weeks ago she started her job and hated it. She realized she would hardly see our son, and she said she told herself, "This is just all wrong," after she had mentioned,to a coworker, that she and I are separated. She came to my place to pick up our son and then began talking about slowly making things work, about slowly letting me back into her life more and more, over the next 3-6 months or maybe even a year. She said, "I want my old life back." I had kept her home with our son, for the past 4 years. She hasn't had to work in over 5 years.

8. She said she is having very good thoughts about me and about us and likes the direction we are headed. She mentioned "we."

 

To me, it seems like she is slowly becoming more attracted to me and also wants to make things work. Seems like there is hope here.

 

I do not initiate sexual stuff with her. I am playing it cool and being patient. I asked her just tonight if I should stay away for a while and give her space, and she said, "No! I don't want that." Seems like a good sign.

 

She also mentioned that the sexual stuff is frustrating and confusing but also very nice and enjoyable.

 

I am hoping very much that she will want me to live with her and be a family again. We have a 4-year old son together.

 

Any thoughts?

Edited January 15, 2014 by sadman37

[whichwayisup]

Allow her space to figure it out and take things slowly. Once a week or so, do a nice family outing, dinner or take your child to a movie together. Bond as a family unit and don't be 'husband and wife' be more 'friends' and have some fun, keep it light. As for sex, keep it to fooling around and not sex-sex. Don't even push for it to go that far. Also, give her a massage, feet too and expect nothing back, I bet she'd appreciate it.

 

Your bi polar, are you seeing someone and on meds for it? If so, keep working on you and take each day as it comes. Do yoga and learn how to meditate, it'll do wonders and keep you more relaxed.

 

your wife needs to see that you've changed, your efforts will be rewarded. It's a daily work in progress, working on you, working on building a better relationship with her and also being a happier person all around. If you drink, stop. (if drinking was problem and caused issues at home).

 

Good luck, I hope things work out for the two of you!

[dumped2013]

I would say she is giving you some very positive signs. You have to keep your cool and let her do the chasing. Don't act needy, just continue working on yourself and the rest will fall into place.

[d0nnivain]

Try marriage counseling?

[sadman37]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I am over 5 1/2 years sober. I have shown her lots of changes, and this is why I am even able to go to her place at all. She told me this. She said I am more attractive now. I think maybe she just needs to see me be consistent, for a long time.

 

She said there is hope. I don't want to take any steps backwards or screw up in some major way.

 

I am determined to keep working on myself and let everything else fall into place. It is so hard to "keep it light" and not ask questions about "where we are." I get antsy and feel very emotional sometimes, and it is hard to keep it in when I am around her. GRRRRRR

 

It is difficult. Sometimes she lets me rub her feet. Sometimes she doesn't. Sometimes she lets me hold her hand. Sometimes she doesn't. The other day, she asked me to rub her legs and warm them up, and that let to sexual stuff, but I only helped her...well you know. She showed me more of herself than she has in a long time, while I...well...you know. Anyway, now I am confused even more. Maybe she is, too.

 

She said she doesn't want the "romantic stuff" and that she can separate the sexual stuff from the romantic stuff, in her mind.

 

I thought sex was a romantic thing for women.

 

She also says she does not want to date yet. She DID suggest that we take our son to the roller skating rink together. I should probably suggest things like this, to do things as a family.

 

Maybe I should stay away, at least, for a while.

 

I suggested this (staying away for a while), but she said she did not want me to stay away and give her space. She said, "No! I do not want that!"

 

She is also refusing marriage counseling, at this time.

 

She says she is closer to me than anyone else. She is afraid I am going to hurt her again or become uncontrollably bi-polar again. This has to be it.

 

It's driving me insane.

 

WTF should I DO?

Edited January 16, 2014 by sadman37

[Oberfeldwebel]

Constantly asking her about the relationship is like the kid constantly asking in the car "are we there yet?", it drives you crazy. It seems that the bi-polar and alcohol, seems to be the root of the problems. Work on making you a better you and with time she will come around, but you must be patient. I know this is tough for bi-polar condition, so if you are not on medication, you should seek assistance. Counseling could be helpful to you as well. Plan fun things every week with the family and time with just you and the kids to give her a break. You have to let her take the lead on the physical things.

[sadman37]

Constantly asking her about the relationship is like the kid constantly asking in the car "are we there yet?", it drives you crazy. It seems that the bi-polar and alcohol, seems to be the root of the problems. Work on making you a better you and with time she will come around, but you must be patient. I know this is tough for bi-polar condition, so if you are not on medication, you should seek assistance. Counseling could be helpful to you as well. Plan fun things every week with the family and time with just you and the kids to give her a break. You have to let her take the lead on the physical things.

 

Thank you for your input. Overall, I have been pretty good about not asking her "where we are." I cave sometimes. I haven't driven her to where she was several months ago, which was her not wanting me around or on the phone.

 

I am treating my bi-polar disorder, and it is helping TONS. Because I have gotten better, in this area, my wife and I have spent more time together, and she has told me I am so much more attractive. I have some tough days where I can feel strong emotions creeping in...fear....doubt...sadness. It is so hard to hold these in. It would be best to not be around her when I am feeling like this, at least, not right now,

 

Some days she acts like everything will be ok, and we will be ok, and it seems she means that we "will work out." Other days it looks discouraging.

 

I just have to practice to not let these discouraging days get to me.

 

Ugh. Being patient is tough. I am afraid that I will remain patient and work hard and hope hope hope, and then she will say, "I am sorry, but I just cannot be with you."

 

I like to think the chances of this happening are small, as long as I continue to prove myself to her.

[thedmc]

I think you should just keep working on you and get yourself in a better place. Also give her time and distance yourself from her. Try to limit contact and tell her to take some time to truly think about what she wants for a few months before trying to get back together.

[Misadventure]

Romance is not sex...it is for a man because ultimately that's what he wants at the end of the night.. especially if he doesn't know the ABC's of just romance....

 

Romance...flowers, poems, music, candy, making food, cards, sweet nothings, sweet everythings, something creative, something out of nowhere, a gesture, singing to her, playing music for her, doing something out of your comfort zone for her...... and all the while expecting nothing back but wanting her to smile.. THAT is romance.

[sadman37]

Thank you Misadventure and others. I have been working on myself, a TON. I promised her many weeks ago that she would never see an angry outburst from me again. I have kept my promise. This is HUGE, for her. I have remained calm, positive, supportive, attentive, and confident. I have had my moments of STRONG emotions stirring inside me, but I have controlled these things and kept my cool. Not easy to do, not at all....but well worth it!!

 

Sorry I write so much, but I just am so encouraged and want some good feedback.

 

My wife is in pain. She wants to give me all of her again, her whole heart.

 

She says she can't "right now."

 

We have spent time together this week, just doing things and having fun. She has told me she is SO happy that we had fun together and wants to see each other again.

 

She told me, "I have not had such a good time with you in YEARS! I am SO happy!" I got to see her beautiful smile, and it melted my heart.

 

She keeps saying, "Next time we will do this or that." At the restaurants, she said, "Next time we will have to try this or try that." I love the "Next times," coming out of her mouth. This is so nice!! So encouraging!!

 

Last night, she texted me that she missed me. This has not happened in a long long time....months and months and months. She also called me several times today and told me that talking to me relaxes her. Man that made me feel GOOD!!!

 

It seems to be helping her a lot to be with me and actually see the changes I have made. Actually, she tells me this. I guess I just want it to make her well again. I want her to stop being in pain. I realize I can only do so much, and I am doing SO MUCH.

 

I hope that in time her heart will heal and she will feel happy most of the time.

 

We got sexual again earlier this evening. Again, she got her pleasure, and then she did not return anything to me. She expressed her frustration that she could not have sex with me. I told her "Honey, it's OK. I understand. I am glad to have been so close to you."

 

It's true!! I am not all about just having sex with my wife. What I am really doing is using her actions as a gauge, of sorts, to let me know where she is at...hoping that her sexual advances mean that there is a strong hope that she will want to give her whole heart back to me again, in the future.

 

Does anyone here think that the sexual stuff is all about her trying to get close to me again or give me her heart again? Or is it purely sexual and meaningless?

 

I admit that I really did enjoy our time together, in every way.

 

What happened is that she asked me to rub her back and shoulders, for the first time in a LONG LONG time. I rubbed her back and stuff, then she was very relaxed, then she got turned on (SO DID I). I did not stop the stuff from happening. I enjoyed it too much. She did not want to hold my hand afterward or kiss me at all. I did not complain about anything, I am thankful she wanted to be close to me AT ALL. Then, later, I just grabbed her foot and started rubbing it, and I rubbed both her feet, and she never objected. This was nice.

 

Throughout the rest of the evening and then again later on the phone, she mentioned the sexual stuff and kind of joked around about it, and so did I. We looked at each other with that "certain look." She smiled about it, as we joked around. I guess this is a good thing.

 

I am using all this stuff as a gauge, as to where she is at, emotionally. I think it is a good gauge.

 

She was concerned for me, though, that I was too frustrated to focus on the rest of the evening. She felt happy but awful at the same time. She really is a sweetheart. She is frustrated and angry at herself for the way she feels. She TELLS me this.

 

I just keep listening to her and telling her I am here for her.

 

I really am doing great, with my new medication schedule. I feel calm, relaxed, confident, and positive....she tells me she LOVES it!!! Then, she cries because she feels so bad that she cannot commit fully to me. I just hug her and tell her everything will be OK.

 

I think if I keep doing as well as I have been these past 5-6 weeks, for months down the road, there is a great chance that she will trust me enough to try to get back together and work things out.

 

Right now, I am all about spending time with her and having FUN. I am all about being positive and supportive. I go out of my way to help her and do sweet things for her. I listen to her tell me about something she saw at the store (usually some kind of food), then I pretend like it is no big deal, but I REMEMBER it, then I go get it for her, and she LOVES it.

 

It is good to do these things, to let her know that I really was listening to her and that I remember what she said.

 

I truly believe the main problem is that she does not trust me. She is waiting for me to do something stupid again. She is afraid of getting close to me and then having her heart ripped out once again.

 

I think.

 

Another wonderful thing is that she told me today that she is thinking of getting professional help for her severe anxiety problem!! This is HUGE!! The way she was before, I thought she would NEVER get help from anyone. I told her I looked into some very good counselors and professionals months ago and that I will give her the numbers when she is ready. I told her I have the information for her, if she needs it. She was very receptive and sweet and said, "Thank you, baby." in her softest voice. Ahhhh. We will see what happens with this. I want her to feel better!!

 

Yet another good thing is that I have an interview tomorrow for an excellent job. I told my wife about it, and she said, "It looks like we will have about the same schedule and weekends off, so that's good!" Seems she wants to be sure we will spend time together, when we are off from work. It will be good the times I am trucking around and not home until very late. She will miss me!! This is a good thing

 

I think I have many reasons to feel as encouraged as I do!!!

Edited January 24, 2014 by sadman37

[sadman37]

Ok earlier this evening, my wife came over to see me at my place again. Our son was with her.

 

She lied down on the bed and wanted to listen to music with me. We listened to music and were lying close to one another.

 

She started crying and said, "See, this is what I have wanted our whole marriage. It makes me so sad."

 

I did not try to initiate anything sexual, and nothing happened.

 

It was so nice just to lie next to her. She let me put my arm around her, and she enjoyed our time together,

 

She hugged me a lot and said, "I haven't filled my hug quota yet."

 

I told her I have a few songs that are very sexy and that I wasn't going to play them yet. She said, "What why not? You mean you want to play them when things are better or when we are alone?" I said, "Yes." She smiled and said, "That sounds very nice."

 

She also said that when we listened to the music together that it brought up a lot of stuff, for her.

 

My thoughts are that she is feeling less and less able to justify our separation, and it is causing her to struggle, internally.

 

Things seem to be going in a very positive direction,

[sadman37]

Constantly asking her about the relationship is like the kid constantly asking in the car "are we there yet?", it drives you crazy. It seems that the bi-polar and alcohol, seems to be the root of the problems. Work on making you a better you and with time she will come around, but you must be patient. I know this is tough for bi-polar condition, so if you are not on medication, you should seek assistance. Counseling could be helpful to you as well. Plan fun things every week with the family and time with just you and the kids to give her a break. You have to let her take the lead on the physical things.

 

Yes it has been amazing how she has been bringing up "us" without me saying anything first. I just listen to her. I repeat some things she says, for clarification and to make her know I understand.

 

She has called me more frequently because she says talking to me relaxes her. I am amazed. It's only been 6 weeks since I started doing very well, as far as my reactions to people and situations.

 

I am projecting that in several more months, things will be very very good between us, as long as I can keep my cool and just let things happen naturally.

 

Last night I was texting her nice, gentle things and expressing my heart to her, in a normal way.

 

She texted me a picture of herself last night with that certain "look" on her face. She said, "That's my look for you when you say beautiful things."

 

She also has told me numerous times that she loves it when I go "gah gah" over her outfits that she wears. She loves my reactions to her shape.

 

She said she is going to wear her hottest jeans the next time we go out.

 

Seems very positive to me!

[sadman37]

Things seem to be going well still.

 

She still keeps asking me to pray that God "rewires her brain."

[uku383]

This is incredibly encouraging - I'm so happy for you!

 

I identify with a lot in your posts. I've never struck my wife and I've never been a drunk, but I suffer from depression/anxiety and have been very moody for years. I've had an angry way about me that's scared her. She left me four months ago, and is adamant that she doesn't love me any more.

 

Like you, I'm trying hard to be more controlled, and more aware of my own feelings. I'm succeeding too, but gradually. Where I fall down is reminding my wife of how much I love her and that I don't want the divorce that she'd focused on.

 

Yesterday she spoke to me about separating assets. If that's what she wants, I shouldn't argue.

 

Reading your posts makes me feel that there may be a chance in the future. I hope so! We have a four year old boy as well, and I want out family to be together and happy. That will mean completely rethinking how I approach the relationship. If I'm lucky enough for it to happen, there will be far more cuddling, far more talking, a lot more honesty and a lot more discussions about feelings.

 

I really do think that these experiences help us to become better people. I also hope that those we love notice this.

 

Good on you - you're doing a great job! Well done!

[sadman37]

Hi uku

 

Hey I am sorry to hear about your story. I know how painful some days can be.

 

However, there is hope. If you can change and not show any anger and instead stay calm, then I believe you will have a good chance of reconnecting with your wife. If you stay calm, then you can communicate.

 

I have found that now my wife and I are communicating a lot, she is warming up to me much more quickly than I thought she would.

 

I hit a snag last week....something on the computer showed up, and it was from before we separated. I thought it was over....but she was just mad.

 

It was a tough ten days (I went into a behavioral institute and further worked on my issues).

 

I got out today and am taking additional medications, to help me with my bi-polar disorder.

 

My wife invited me to her place to celebrate my release from the place. We sat close and held hands a lot. We hugged a good number of times, and one time I hugged her and then held her shoulders and looked at her, then she smiled and laughed and said, "What?" I told her I was just looking at her.

 

Strange night after I left and we texted. She brought up this guy she is obsessed about...and she thinks I don't know who it is.

 

I let her know I was surprised that she brought him up. She told me she was sorry if it "weirded me out."

 

I just wish she would get over this frickin' guy already. Nothing has happened with him, and he is unavailable, and it is just a stupid fantasy.

 

Patience.........

[uku383]

Thanks, sadman.

 

You're right about the importance of patience. That's been one of the most difficult things for me to put into practice, but it's a key to recovery as much as anything else

 

The other thing is acceptance. I still haven't got my head and heart around this one, but I do understand that my situation will not change just because I want it to, and unless I can take whatever comes I'll never have a chance of either getting my marriage back or coping properly if that doesn't happen.

 

Frankly, I've got enough to worry about without focusing on what I can't change. However, I've still got a way to go before I'm accepting.

 

Your wife sounds quite confused. It seems inappropriate for her to talk to you about that other guy - not very compassionate of her, particularly when she's so strongly exploring her relationship with you. Still, she's clearly got a lot on her plate too.

 

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job of keeping things together.

[sadman37]

I am trying to get to the point where I will be just fine if my marriage totally fails.

 

It is not easy, especially with my disorder.

 

The whole "other guy" thing is weird. It's too hard to explain.

 

Let's just say I threw a monkey wrench into the whole deal, for her. I figured out who the guy was and joked about it with her, and she actually got physically ill over it. That wasn't my goal, but she got sick over it.

 

I have told her I know who it is, and she continues to laugh at me like I am crazy for thinking that. No biggy. It doesn't matter.

 

She thinks that if she brings him up casually that I will not suspect it is him. Her mood changed after I expressed my surprise that she brought him up in our text conversation. I told her it was no big deal. She apologized for bringing him up....which is actually her first acknowledgement of any kind that it actually is him. ha ha ha

 

I'm pretty good at figuring things like that out, and I am sneaky. But hey....she's my wife. I have the right to know if she is thinking about some other guy more than me.

 

It really doesn't matter.

 

All I can do is be a better man and help her forget this guy who has done nothing for her, at all.

 

Either that and be a better man and lose her, forever. Seems like this is not going to happen, though,

Edited February 8, 2014 by sadman37