Wife can do, but i cant [update]

[BOREDouttaMymind]

anyone ever feel like your significant other can do something but when you try to do the same exact thing.. they give you a reason why its wrong?

 

my wife wants to go out once a week to hang with some much younger, single people; probably to go over to their house after going out to eat to do whatever 25-30 year olds do; smoke who knows what, drink for sure.

 

I told her tonight how i don't get it because she told me last year how she doesn't like our schedules because we don't get to see each other very much at night. we come home from work, eat, and go to bed..

 

..but now shes going out on a night, and when i asked her how long she thinks she would be, she says, "i don't know how long ill stay out".

 

honestly, im a grown man, ive been cheated on lots in my younger days, so that crap is past me. if she cheats or whatever, its over. i don't cry about that stuff anymore. but that's not my point.

 

if i were to say to her "im going to go out with some younger people every Wednesday and i don't know when ill be home" i GUARENTEE she would say 'you don't know how long youll be out?" and "but we don't have that much time together as it is."

 

i just hate it in this relationship how she just gets away with this crap all the time. i told her my feelings, she knows. i could care less if she goes out, shes a grown woman, its just the fact that she can do whatever she wants and if i question it, she comes up with 500 reasons why its ok. bleh.

[eleanorrigby]

Do you ever go with her?

[BOREDouttaMymind]

yes i go with her from time to time. im not a dead beat husband not showing her attention.

 

shes not lacking attention at home.

 

i don't care if she goes out. its just the fact that had i said this to her, she would get huffy and complain until i didn't go.

[Fluttershy]

yes i go with her from time to time. im not a dead beat husband not showing her attention.

 

shes not lacking attention at home.

 

i don't care if she goes out. its just the fact that had i said this to her, she would get huffy and complain until i didn't go.

 

Until you actually, right now while she has her ONE NIGHT A WEEK OUT, have your own night out you are just assuming. You may be right. You may not

Be. But you can't know for a fact until you go out yourself.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

actually I have brought up to her in the past about maybe wanting to go out and that's when she brought up the whole 'but we don't have many nights together'.

 

but now that she wants to go out.. its magically fine and dandy.

 

in all seriousness, its whatever. im not her mama. she'll do what she wants, and what happens, happens. that's all I can say.

 

its funny how years back I would cry over it, trying to explain to my ex-gfs how their decision isn't the best, and they would just do whatever they wanted. now its like 'ok honey, you go do that'.

 

but all I can say is, im not going to be the call-boy who comes and gets her if she repeatedly drinks to the point of needing a ride home. did that in college and that gets a guy no where.

[eleanorrigby]

Earlier in my marriage we had a problem similar to yours. (or it appears similar on the surface)

My husband would get bent out of shape when I went out with my friends after work, but he would rarely ever take me anywhere.

So I felt like "screw you, I'm not staying here in the house when I could be having fun just because you don't want to go anywhere with me!"

 

So I'd go out and party.

 

Then when he brought up going out with his friends it pissed me off, because I felt like "you didn't want to go anywhere with me all week/month whatever but now that it's time to party, you want your friends and not me?:mad:"

 

I would have preferred we party together, or got together with groups of friends, his or mine. But it never worked out that way. I would invite him to stuff my friends were doing but him going was rare as hens teeth. And after we had kids he didn't invite me to any of his friends get togethers anymore.

 

 

It's still a problem actually.

I think we eventually scared away both our sets of friends and now neither of us goes anywhere or does anything. (I should be wearing your member name lol)

 

Does this sound familiar or is your situation totally different?

[BOREDouttaMymind]

hm

im re-reading your post over and over to see if its the same as mine lol

[BOREDouttaMymind]

its the same, yet different.

 

she does invite me to go out with the people she hangs with, and I do go. but she has some interests that I don't share in, such as smoking and drinking. ( I drink just not a lot).

 

so if she wants to go out and smoke and drink, fine.

 

for you, you felt left out but I don't feel left out. I feel a double standard. and she never admits when I bring it up that its a double standard.

 

she always says, "no... its different because...." and I get sick of hearing it.

[eleanorrigby]

i

 

she always says, "no... its different because...." and I get sick of hearing it.

 

It's different because what exactly to her? What makes the difference?

[BOREDouttaMymind]

the difference is that she wants to do it instead of me wanting to.

 

shes a great gal, I admit I have my faults, im saying in this instance, most times whenever I want to do something she finds a reason why I cant, but a week later, shell do the same thing and I cant say 'no' because she finds reasons why its different.

[eleanorrigby]

the difference is that she wants to do it instead of me wanting to.

 

shes a great gal, I admit I have my faults, im saying in this instance, most times whenever I want to do something she finds a reason why I cant, but a week later, shell do the same thing and I cant say 'no' because she finds reasons why its different.

 

But what are those reasons, and what do you say to counter argue them?

[Haydn]

The best relationships for me work when we each have other interests and friends we can see and do things with outside the relationship. This seems like a trust issue. But i am sure you can do things together and have a great time. Just have to put in the effort.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

no its not a trust issue. my trust issues are from when I was in my teens and 20's. I didn't marry her for her to be my woman-slave. she can do what she wants, she can hang with whoever she wants.

 

im changing my question to just a statement now because apparently no one else is dealing with this.. she can do things that I cant. and when I try to, she complains.

 

im not going to give examples because its not the point. people will just argue against my examples. im just looking to see if anyone else has this problem.

[Fluttershy]

The problem is "in the past". Yeah it wasn't mature of her but people change an they change their minds about things. I say to see if she is still "I can, you can't". Plan a guys night that is the same frequency as her and see how she reacts. It is the only way to test the theory jn the now.

 

I used to hate my husband going out. I was super needy and clingy. I'm not that way anymore... I changed. It is possible. Test the theory and then see.

 

Fwiw. I do know a girl who suffers this with her boyfriend. She isn't allowed to go to strippers but he can. In the now. But if he used to not like her going to strippers and then changed his mind... That isn't a double standard.

[Eau Claire]

anyone ever feel like your significant other can do something but when you try to do the same exact thing.. they give you a reason why its wrong?

 

my wife wants to go out once a week to hang with some much younger, single people; probably to go over to their house after going out to eat to do whatever 25-30 year olds do; smoke who knows what, drink for sure.

 

I told her tonight how i don't get it because she told me last year how she doesn't like our schedules because we don't get to see each other very much at night. we come home from work, eat, and go to bed..

 

..but now shes going out on a night, and when i asked her how long she thinks she would be, she says, "i don't know how long ill stay out".

 

honestly, im a grown man, ive been cheated on lots in my younger days, so that crap is past me. if she cheats or whatever, its over. i don't cry about that stuff anymore. but that's not my point.

 

if i were to say to her "im going to go out with some younger people every Wednesday and i don't know when ill be home" i GUARENTEE she would say 'you don't know how long youll be out?" and "but we don't have that much time together as it is."

 

i just hate it in this relationship how she just gets away with this crap all the time. i told her my feelings, she knows. i could care less if she goes out, shes a grown woman, its just the fact that she can do whatever she wants and if i question it, she comes up with 500 reasons why its ok. bleh.

 

Not to be insensitive but your post reads like one that my daughters would have wrote when they were between the ages of 12 and 16. 'It's not fair that...'

 

You and your wife have lost trust. You and your wife are also not acting in a way that takes the feelings of the other into account first above everything else. Your response to this crisis is somewhat immature for an adult male.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

actually sir, I never said "its not fair.." please re-read and respond accordingly.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

..read my last thread called "wife can but I cant". this is a continuation.

 

my wife did decide to go out tonight with a bunch of single people 12 years younger than us. I was at work. couldn't go. she came home.. drunk. falling everywhere. dropping the toothbrushes on the floor, running into everything, asking me questions that had nothing to do with me; "why do you make arrests?"

we go to bed, I don't say anything to her, we fall asleep, and I hear her get out of bed. I literally RUN to where she is and shes standing, door open, looking into the basement, lights off in the entire house, and shes about to go down the stairs. she cant even walk straight. she would have fallen down the steps to the concrete floor and either broke a bone, or died. unfinished basement, no rug, nothing. I grabbed her and yelled WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?? ITS 1 IN THE MORNING WHY ARE YOU GOING IN THE BASEMENT WITH NO LIGHTS ON???? im so so so mad and upset and angry right now.

 

I am so angry at her and I told her that we're married now, and while she can hang with whoever she wants, its not fair to me as her husband to have to stay up all night to be sure she doesn't injure herself (I need to be to work in 6 hours).

 

not sure what to do. so angry. and she YELLED AT ME. she wont even remember this tomorrow, and shell apologize and all that, but its going to happen again.

 

see what I mean? some guy on my last post said I was acting like his 12 year old daughter and don't trust my wife. uh no, I do trust her, but she has a responsibility in this marriage to keep herself safe for me, just as I do for her.

 

so pissed. if I didn't get up she would be bleeding all over the place or dead.

Edited January 17, 2014 by BOREDouttaMymind

[Arieswoman]

You need to have a chat with her when she is sober, as you won't get any sense out of a drunk.

 

Tell her that you love her and care about her but her behaviour is putting herself at risk.

 

Don't shout, don't judge, just explain how you feel.

 

Hopefully, the mother-of-all-hangovers that she's got will persuade her not to do it again.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

what you said is probably the best advice ive ever gotten online.

 

its so annoying when the majority of peoples responses in communities like this are to judge the person asking the question. people would say things like, "well maybe youre just..." or "you need to stop.." or "she does it because you..."

 

not from arieswoman. I said exactly to her what you told me to say. she said she was sorry. I just let her talk. I said its hard because saying sorry is easy, but you need to mean it, or something like that.

 

we'll see how things go. thanks again. :bunny: two hoppy white things to you.

[Grumpybutfun]

She sounds like she binge drinks and that can be dangerous because it gets people into all kinds of bad situations. Did she binge in college? Is this a continuation of wanting to be back in her college days? Is this something you deal with regularly?

G

[dreamingoftigers]

Why not just tell her all that you are feeling whrn she sobers uo?

 

Dont avoid The potential conflict.

 

Address the unfairness and the fact that her drinking gives you anxiety and is disruptive to you.

[Fluttershy]

First of the problem is you ignore facts like me saying does she get mad right now when you go out not before, right now.

 

Second. This isn't even about wife can but i cant. This is about uour wife behavin irresponsibly and you basically having to be a parent. You dude are focusin on the wrong things. You'll get more helpful advice f you make your posts more clear... I.e. instead of saying "she would be mad if I did this" which is only speculation right now because you aren't currently doing this. Instead your post should be about the fact that she is acting like a child and needs to grow the f up. What should you do.

 

The other way just sounds like you are whining because you want to go get pssd and fall down some stairs too and ts not fair! (you didn't say it but that was the inplication)

[BOREDouttaMymind]

I honestly have no idea what fluttershy said. I read it 4 times and I cant make sense of it.

[Fluttershy]

I honestly have no idea what fluttershy said. I read it 4 times and I cant make sense of it.

 

Simply put:

 

Are you upset with your wife acting immature and putting you into a place where you feel you are the parent...

 

Or are you upset because you assume she is showig a double standard (the title of your post) when in fact you haven't put it to the test to see if he is right now. What she said a year ago may not be how she feels today.

[bubbaganoosh]

She sounds like she binge drinks and that can be dangerous because it gets people into all kinds of bad situations. Did she binge in college? Is this a continuation of wanting to be back in her college days? Is this something you deal with regularly?

G

 

First of all, is she driving a car in this kind of state? If so you got a problem right there and it could cost you everything in the long run.

 

Second of all, you have to set some boundaries. If she can't handle her booze then she needs to cut back.

 

If she gets pissed off because you want to go out with other people and then she does the same, whose fault is that? Ain't mine. It isn't any one else whose replying on this thread. It's yours

 

I'm not saying that you have to forbid her from going out or you going out but when she complains that your going out, your reply to her should be what your griping about on this thread. Tell her why she can go out an you can't. The door swings both ways.

 

It's called rules that you both follow and one of the rules is that she curb the amount of drinks she consumes.

 

Some night your going to get a phone call from the cops because she got pulled over for a DUI or worse that she was in a accident. Then your nightmare will begin.

 

You two better have a real good heart to heart before it gets to the point where there wont be much to salvage.