Trying to interpret a sign/signal from my WAW

[winston36]

I'm in a classic WAW situation. Wife was pretty silent and detached for a few weeks before dropping a Dear John letter hammer on me, and the separation has been pretty ugly. We are now almost at two months, and while she has had a divorce petition drawn up, it has not yet been filed by her attorney for some unknown reason. We have two small kids, so NC isn't an option as far as what to do, strategy, etc, but I would obviously love to get her back despite her doing and saying some truly horrible things during this period.

 

I have never been unfaithful, and am probably a classic example of the doormat/Nice Guy theory. I just prioritized too many things over her, ignored the warning signs, and treated things like more of a friendship for too long. None of which I would have done if I knew that the next step was divorce. I've made many of the cliche mistakes that most husbands do in this situation early on and regret them now--things that I did both before and directly after the separation. Although, after reading all the threads like most LBS, I'm learning a lot, behaving and acting correctly, and feeling a lot better about things regardless of how things turn out. Just wish I would have sought out things sooner.

 

I'm realistic about how cold, terrible, angry, direct and unrealistic her signs and words have been. I'm not sugarcoating anything internally or externally and I know chances of reconciling are slim. But I have not read much about one thing and am just perplexed about it. I've probably seen her 5 times for picking up/dropping off kids in the last few weeks, and she is absolutely dressed to the 9's when I do, looking her best and wearing more make up/giving a better appearance than she has in years. She's lost a ton of weight in a really short amount of time, but she has told me it's just because she is so stressed out, hurting, and not eating. I do believe her because the amount of weight loss is drastic and she has been going to the doctor. I feel bad for her even if she hates me.

 

She's not having a physical affair, I can't rule out an emotional one because she's on FB more than any one person I've ever met. But she's a full-time teacher and cheerleading coach with no money and our kids are 2 years old and 4 months. There is no social life, and they've spent every night with her.

 

Why is she dressing up like this when I see her? To attract me, piss me off, make me see what I'm missing, or something else? I mean I have seen her in sweatpants through the window ring the doorbell and she makes me wait five minutes while she gets completely glamoured up. I have no idea what to make of it and neither does anyone else. She's literally giving no other signals that she cares for me or likes me at all at this point.

 

For a little background, we moved in together after dating for one month, got engaged three months later and were married 7 years. I love this woman with all my heart. The highs were high, the lows were low, but we've always been a pretty emotional, hot and cold, volatile couple.

[george roy]

I'm in a classic WAW situation. Wife was pretty silent and detached for a few weeks before dropping a Dear John letter hammer on me, and the separation has been pretty ugly. We are now almost at two months, and while she has had a divorce petition drawn up, it has not yet been filed by her attorney for some unknown reason. We have two small kids, so NC isn't an option as far as what to do, strategy, etc, but I would obviously love to get her back despite her doing and saying some truly horrible things during this period.

 

I have never been unfaithful, and am probably a classic example of the doormat/Nice Guy theory. I just prioritized too many things over her, ignored the warning signs, and treated things like more of a friendship for too long. None of which I would have done if I knew that the next step was divorce. I've made many of the cliche mistakes that most husbands do in this situation early on and regret them now--things that I did both before and directly after the separation. Although, after reading all the threads like most LBS, I'm learning a lot, behaving and acting correctly, and feeling a lot better about things regardless of how things turn out. Just wish I would have sought out things sooner.

 

I'm realistic about how cold, terrible, angry, direct and unrealistic her signs and words have been. I'm not sugarcoating anything internally or externally and I know chances of reconciling are slim. But I have not read much about one thing and am just perplexed about it. I've probably seen her 5 times for picking up/dropping off kids in the last few weeks, and she is absolutely dressed to the 9's when I do, looking her best and wearing more make up/giving a better appearance than she has in years. She's lost a ton of weight in a really short amount of time, but she has told me it's just because she is so stressed out, hurting, and not eating. I do believe her because the amount of weight loss is drastic and she has been going to the doctor. I feel bad for her even if she hates me.

 

She's not having a physical affair, I can't rule out an emotional one because she's on FB more than any one person I've ever met. But she's a full-time teacher and cheerleading coach with no money and our kids are 2 years old and 4 months. There is no social life, and they've spent every night with her.

 

Why is she dressing up like this when I see her? To attract me, piss me off, make me see what I'm missing, or something else? I mean I have seen her in sweatpants through the window ring the doorbell and she makes me wait five minutes while she gets completely glamoured up. I have no idea what to make of it and neither does anyone else. She's literally giving no other signals that she cares for me or likes me at all at this point.

 

For a little background, we moved in together after dating for one month, got engaged three months later and were married 7 years. I love this woman with all my heart. The highs were high, the lows were low, but we've always been a pretty emotional, hot and cold, volatile couple.

 

My two cents.

 

My STBXW does the kind of stuff that makes you 'second guess' everything. Well, I'm not playing the head games.

 

She's got something to say ?

 

Screw the signals.

 

She can just come right out and say it.

[littlejaz]

My two cents is she is doing it as revenge. She is trying to piss you off, make you see what you're missing. It is all a head game.

[thedude1974]

My two cents?

 

If she is going out dressed to the 9's after you pickup the kids, she's probably trying to attract other men.

[winston36]

I appreciate it guys. Yeah, I'm just done with the games too, it's so stupid, and it's become easier to move on regardless. But like I said--she's not going out at all. It's like it's just to mess with me and that's it. It's bizarre. It's hard to follow a lot of the separation and no contact advice because we do have the small kids that I insist on seeing as much as possible (although she's made that very difficult), but I have limited all communication to just them. I think it's surprised her. About three weeks ago, I wrote her a really long letter that I gave her after a week, and in it I said I wouldn't say anything else about the relationship anymore. I've stuck to it and that's that. We'll see what happens.

 

Side note--My oldest (the two year old daughter) and me have such a ridiculous special bond, she's basically my best friend. When my wife picked them up tonight, she was kicking and screaming going out the door and would and insisted on daddy carrying her to the car, etc. While it was hard, and the whole thing sucked, it also felt a little rewarding for my wife to see that there is a world outside of her affected by this. I really think she is having a midlife crisis.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Why did she leave?

[Movingforward2]

You are going to hear this a lot, but you can not interpret anything. None of it makes any sense. It's a classic WAW syndrome, midlife crisis, whatever. Grass is Greener syndrome is also one. You are just at the beginning of it. I'm 6 months in and got my divorce over in 4 months and it still goes on. There are days you think it might work out, and days that you don't. It will be the strangest roller coaster of your life.

 

You will hear this too.........."just don't think about it", "move on", "don't let it bother you"......all that _____, it doesn't work. It will bother you, and drive you crazy. Keep posting on this board, get to a gym, a church, and some individual counciling. There is no way you can justify the behavior you are seeing. It's absurd. You have 2 small kids. Keep focusing on them. The truth eventually comes out.

[notbroken]

While I can't 'read her mind', I've seen this up close and personally myself. The reasons were:

 

* She either is or is considering being 'on the market' and wants to have on her 'fishing outfit' when she fishes. She considers herself free and is either actively dating or is considering it. She is in that mode.

* She subconciously (or actively) wants to 'rub it in your face' that she is on the market, has lost weight, and looks good.

* She wants you to be jealous and curious and regret 'losing her'.

 

Don't read too much into anything she does. My advice would be to disconnect and move on with your life. Anything she does not directly affecting you or your kids is irrelevant.

[toolforgrowth]

My XW did the same thing during our separation/divorce. She flat out said to mutual friends that she wanted me "to see what I was missing" while she was knee deep in an affair.

 

Little did she know that once I found out about the affair, I started dating again; divorce papers were already filed, she was already seeing another guy, and in my heart the marriage was dead. I had no desire for reconciliation at that point so I started living my life again. Met a woman who was much prettier than her, and we dated for over a year. That really got to her. That was in 2012.

 

To this day she'll still pull stuff like that, even though she's been living with a different guy for almost a year now. We're civil to each other now, and we work together pretty well for our daughter's benefit. But I stay out of her life, and she stays out of mine. Well, now she does. She was sending random messages to my XGF during the D, so what does that tell you?

 

Every once in a while she'll use my daughter as a weapon to manipulate, though. It's picking back up again, I've noticed. I just ignore it and go about my life. Sometimes I'll have to tell her "hey, knock that **** off" and she'll be good again...but only for a while.

 

It's classic. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either. And if they don't want anyone else to have you, what does that say about their real feelings towards you?

 

Whoever said the best revenge is leading a good life was spot on. Ever since the split I've redecorated my house, become a much better father, gotten a promotion at work, lost weight, changed my style, and I've had more than a few women express interest in me. I have a lot to offer, I know I'm attractive, and I know my self worth. They pick up on that too. My life is really good without my XW in it, and I think she can see it. What she does with that information is entirely up to her.

[RedHawk08]

There is also the possibility that she's "trying on" a new personna.

In walking away from you and being on her own again she's having to find herself once again.

People do that in different ways.

 

Sounds like she might be displaying all this new confidence in taking pride jn her appearance again.

 

Any Cheerleaders for her in this situation?

You know, the one's that tell her how brave, strong and independent she is in doing this.

A big clue are people you used to be on friendly terms with, but now no longer have anything to do with you.

[Steadfast]

It's classic. They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either. And if they don't want anyone else to have you, what does that say about their real feelings towards you?

 

This is probably as close to the truth as you're going to get. One thing is certain OP, your feelings matter little. It's all about her. It always was.

 

My ex did the same. Tons of 'what ifs' after making direct statements and actions that indicated she was through. I'll never know exactly what was in her head, but the atmosphere changed when I gave up. She didn't like it. She wanted me there when she wanted me there. It was all about her.

 

Stop trying to figure her out. Stop trying to read signals that are designed to keep you in limbo. Stop believing NC is a 'strategy' (nc is for your healing, never play games) and stop being naive. She either has someone else or wants someone else. Women don't leave men they want or desire, unless they get off on inflicting pain on themselves. Many people do.

 

The last part is most important. Women who love their men will put up with an extraordinary amount of BS. Some love it, in fact. Some love drama. The same holds true for men. Want an example? Go look in a mirror.

 

When she said she was through, she was. That doesn't mean she doesn't want control or want your attention. There's nothing wrong with being nice, but always consider your motivation. Many men are nice to build up an 'insurance' of love and devotion. Women catch on to that quickly.

 

Stop talking to her about your relationship. Never reward bad with good.

[Steen719]

winston36,

I think this kind of behavior is somewhat typical and it seems to be more prevalent with women, IMO, for whatever reason. But my XH did the same kind of thing to me. I just didn't get it. We were already divorced and he was practically living with someone (as much as he could with her in another city) and I can remember as clear as day him telling me he didn't have anyone special. I chalked it up to him being so used to lying, he just continued.

 

It took me a while, but I finally realized that he was thinking he had me on this string that he could pull if his other relationship didn't work. Disgusting, really. As I said to someone else in their thread - hedging his bets. He was thinking he was dangling a carrot in front of me and it made me sick when I realized that he still thought he could have me after all he had done. What an ego!

 

She is selfish to do this to you, knowing you still want the marriage to work. It is like pouring salt into the fresh wound. It is really so difficult to have a informed perspective when this first happens, but you will in time. Keep on being a good dad, keep busy and in time, you will see that wanting someone who has shown you they don't want you will seem impossible and you will move on. Be prepared, though. She sounds like the type to try to get you back. I would be surprised if she didn't. Things won't be like she thinks - they never are for these people who look for all their happiness somewhere else.

 

Good luck.

[aliveagain]

She is mad about something and this is her way of punishing you, any unresolved issues? My ex did the same thing to me, always dressed to the 9's no matter where we met to talk after we split, as if she had a date or somewhere to go after after our meeting. She wanted me back and this was her way of showing me what other guys were going to get unless I made the necessary changes she needed which included forgiveness for her two year affair and acceptance of her affair child.

[winston36]

Everyone, I want to thank you for all the good advice and kind words. A lot of different perspectives and some things that I hadn't thought about, when I had really thought I had racked my brain and considered everything after spending countless hours reading, analyzing, learning and hoping. This site has helped a great deal, and just getting a lot of this out of my brain and onto paper has helped. Also, friends and family can only go so far---sometimes it's people that have or are going through similar things, regardless of whether or not they know me, that actually have some clue as to what to perceive and how to handle things.

 

For a quick update, this divorce has still not been filed despite me signing her attorney's entry of admissal/proof of service two weeks ago. My dad and brother are both divorce attorneys, neither have any clue what the motivation would be here other than she's told him to hold off, or simply can't afford to pay for any additional legal services right now (he was dirt cheap to begin with, though). Both are possible. The attorney is so bad, it's possible he simply forgot or doesn't know what to do at this stage, but I can't answer what hasn't been filed.

 

As far as why she left, she felt like I was working too much and letting the romance die. The affection was gone, and we had become roommates who were juggling so many responsibilities individually and collectively that the intimacy and affection were just on the back burner. We were getting along but not great. This reached a breaking point over the final three weeks, but instead of fighting, she was withdrawn. That was my fault. My job was killing me in every way possible and making me a zombie. I was working straight through the night some times and it was horrible. I had a ton of obligation daily with our kids that I never stopped performing and loved doing, but I was zapped of all energy for her. I was also mishandling my own finances terribly, though I never stopped paying our bills or handling the important things. Also, we just didn't really do things as a family a lot and it bothered her---even if we were all in the living room together, she hated seeing all the couples on facebook out doing stuff and being or acting happy. I had a lot of changes to make. Only things in my defense really--I was always, always pleasant and nice to her no matter how down I was with work or anything..... I never cheated on her in any way while with her, and she never suspected I did even while I became physically withdrawn from her....and I was/am a wonderful dad that did everything for and with my kids and loved every second of it. While I knew it was slowly crumbling, I just didn't see this happening that sudden and this way. The night before she left I asked her to sit down and talk but she said she had to go to her mom's and help her with something. She was gone in the morning, left a note, saying she was leaving just for the weekend and that was it. No counseling, no talk, no anything. I begged and pleaded (obviously I know that was wrong now). Everything ramped up from there.

MovingForward2--you're right, why try to understand what can't be understood. She's said and done so many crazy things these last two months, there's no real logic. It's emotional, not that that's right or wrong, but it can't be explained. She has chronic depression and angel problems, and I feel bad for her that she thinks this is a magic elixir. And you're right, the conventional advice is growing tiresome, but yours is spot on.

NotBroken--Could be any or all of the above. I guess I'm trying to so hard to gauge how she feels b/c of that relationship with the kids. If she's mad, she'll essentially hijack them. If she's feeling okay, she is more likely to let me see them.

TFG--it's funny, I've had like 35 times I've asked to see or get the kids, gotten them maybe 8 or so. But sometimes she's either renegged on plans, made ridiculous excuses, or say she didn't hear the phone/see the text. She'll also set nonsensical parameters when I get them about where I can/can't take them. It's crazy. But when she gets to like her absolute worst point of a given week with that BS, she'll finally look in the mirror (I'm assuming) and tell herself "maybe that one was kind of mean or ridiculous," then will be reasonable with the kids and nice again the very next day with no explanation or apology.

RedHawk--I agree on the persona thing. The outside influences ("cheerleaders"), have been a giant concern for me. We have one mutual friend who has reached out to me and heard an absolutely distorted view of things from her that left me in shock. That scares me in the sense that these people will not only say and do all the things I fear to "help her along", but that it will be based on a wildly skewed viewpoint that she's giving them. I'm also amazed not one person has said maybe try counseling--just once. You have two kids, give this one shot, etc. I'll never be able to explain my side of things at all to any of them, nor do they appear interested. Like this is just a traditional BF/GF breakup or something. This same friend did read the letter I wrote my wife about a week before I decided to give it to her and she told me she wished I had wrote/delivered it the weekend after she had left, not a month later...that it was so spot on and to the heart, addressing all of her thoughts and feelings, that we'd be back trying by now if I had. I've been debating emailing it to my mother in law (or at least emailing something) just for her to know how I feel. I'm worried that if/when there is a glimmer of hope, my wife will be too prideful to admit to these people she's having second thoughts, even though they'd probably support those as well for her.

Steadfast--if she is through, then why still want the control/attention? I think there is an element of not being through, proving a point and sending a message. With her too, she wants to feel like she got a point across and won an argument. What better one to win than this one, I guess. Also when I wrote her the letter I did say I wouldn't mention the relationship again and I haven't, like I wrote in original post. Your first sentence is absolutely spot on.

Steen719--thank you so much. Again, it just kills me we can't try once. If it doesn't work, at least we have closure and there is no downside to trying. It can't get worse. I don't want a 10th chance, I want a 2nd. I am a firm believer that you don't 100% stay together for the sake of the kids if you're married--but if you do have kids, you do owe it to everyone involved to at least try with some effort to repair things together and honor them and your vows. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. I think that now that she has to transport the kids 5 days a week and pay for so many things I was paying for (like dinner every night, bills, etc), she just can't juggle all of it for very long without realizing how impractical all of this is. It's easy to get through the holidays with all the breaks and other family members (she's a teacher), but it's a long cold winter without one now till spring break and missing me and my contributions will be a reality.

Aliveagain--yep, the nerve of you to not make those changes LOL. She sounds like my wife from a "how she rationalizes things" perspective. Who knows?

Either way, I love and miss her like crazy, along with my kids and just my life and general. Thanks everyone.

[winston36]

So it's safe to say I've encountered quite a setback emotionally these last 24 hours after feeling like I was doing pretty well. Now I feel like I'm back at worse than square 1, actually.

Last Thursday, I gave my wife quite a bit of money when we met up to drop off kids and she was really happy I did, and surprised also I think. I mentioned that I had recently lost my job, but I did owe her for some expenses and things and had no problem doing that. Like our last few conversations/encounters, I had made it a point to be the first to end them and walk away first, for myself and for my image that I was projecting to her. It just felt better, like I was in control, etc. At the time, I asked her about seeing the kids over the weekend, and she mentioned that since I had had them Tues-Thurs, she would likely want them all to herself, but she'd let me know. Rather than fight, I said okay and walked away.

I tried Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to make some arrangements to seem them, but was met with typical "we'll see" and "it's really cold out, IDK," etc type of responses. I finally got a little sick of her not answering me direct about Wednesday, which had always been one my days so far. For the first time in what felt like weeks, I thought I'd check her FB to see if there was some inclination as to what she was doing. Long story short--I think she went to Florida and visited an ex-boyfriend, who is arguably the most disgusting person I've ever seen in my life. Worse, I think she was down there from maybe Friday-Monday, which means that I likely financed the trip, and worse, she could have let me have the kids all weekend instead of leaving them with her mom for spite, I guess. Just bizarre and dejecting.

Even worse, I had mentioned earlier about the petition for dissolution never actually getting filed, and me wondering what the hell the motivation was for that, being as how I had kind of been served 18 days ago. Well, that was filed today as well, fresh with a case number that I will now have one day to respond to unless the county clerk understands how ridiculous that timeline was. I finally did write her to see if she was still in Florida (which was a legit concern and possibility), and asked who I needed to contact about seeing kids tomorrow. I think she was shocked I even knew that she left, she got pissed and barely responded...continuing to block my visitation for no real reason.

 

Shortly after this my car broke down, and I found out I didn't get a job I applied for. Not a great day, and now IDK what to do or think. All along, I've really just fought the urge to write my mother-in-law, and now I think I will as she's about the only possible link to me seeing the kids more. I feel like we have the kind of relationship that at least she'll read a letter or email from me--I even thought about attaching the last letter I wrote my spouse a month ago so she'd at least see where my head was at. This might piss off my STBXW, but frankly, my MIL is doing all the heavy lifting in my absence when it comes to daycare, watching/transporting them, etc...she'll probably welcome the help and assistance that I've been offering all along here.

 

Looking for advice or encouragement at this point.

[Movingforward2]

Again,

You can't interpret anything. You are going to make mistakes. I guarantee you someone else has financed something with/without their knowledge. My parents gave my wife 1k 2 weeks before the hammer. I'm sure that was her down payment for her attorney.

 

Only advice I can give you, as many others suggest is to get moving forward. I still get stuck every Thursday. My situation is a little more complicated than most, but I believe getting my divorce over as quickly as possible helped me more than anything. The way I looked at it, I'm pretty young and have the rest of my life to make up the assets. I don't worry about it. Once you get past the legal stuff, there isn't anything to argue about. Plus, once you recover mentally (which I still haven't done completely but gaining steam by the day), you will find yourself getting back to the confident person that you are.

 

She is going to do what she is going to do. At some point, she will regret it. Going to visit an ex-boyfriend in Florida I'm sure is tough to swallow. During your divorce, you have to do what's right for you and the kids. Your kids will figure out the real story on their own. They may not today, but they will. That's what I try to keep in mind.

 

Easier said than done, you can't be a mind-reader. You said for better or worse, and meant it. Unfortunately, the person you were married to didn't. That's the society we live in today. You can not interpret anything. It will be a roller coaster and there are days you believe you are making progress, and days you aren't.

 

I'm not going to lie, part of me is still in love with my ex-wife. I'm not thrilled with the decisions she makes personally, but she is a great mother. My wife has withdrawn from several of our closest couple friends because of a couple of different reasons. They all want to know "why she went to this level". At the same time, we have so many events for our kids, if you didn't know we were divorced we look like one big happy family. Thursday nights are the worst. I drop my daughter off after "my time" and always end up staying around and hanging out. Last night I was there until 1 in the morning just hanging out and talking about everything, kids, etc. I never brought up "let's get back together" that _____ never gets me anywhere. It's like ramming your head into a wall. I have asked my ex-wife on dates, and was told "no" multiple times. 2 days before our divorce was final, I showed up at my home unexpected in a limo in front of my kids. Chauffer went to the door with a dress for my wife that I picked out. She was so shocked, but ended up getting dressed and going. We ended up going out on the most memorable date of all time. I'll probably never have another date like that. But I had decided I was getting one more date, no matter what it took. My point was 2 things, #1 I did give a huge ____ about her and the kids. Secondly, no matter what the next guy goes out with her, they have to live up to that last date. Somewhere in her mind, she will remember that night the rest of her life. That's what route i went. Took a lot of balls, but I wanted to know i did everything I could to salvage it. It didn't work, but brought me some peace.

 

It gets better. Hang in there. You are going to get stumped. We all do. Get your swagger back, and don't feel sorry for yourself. Defriend her ass off facebook....get rid of facebook completely. You don't need it, and all you will do is find yourself stalking her. You will feel like a complete douche bag, and all it does it kick you in the nuts worse.

 

I appreciate everyone's posts....and typing this helps me get some type of therapy to get it off my chest. It doesn't make sens and never will.

[winston36]

Again,

You can't interpret anything. You are going to make mistakes. I guarantee you someone else has financed something with/without their knowledge. My parents gave my wife 1k 2 weeks before the hammer. I'm sure that was her down payment for her attorney.

 

Only advice I can give you, as many others suggest is to get moving forward. I still get stuck every Thursday. My situation is a little more complicated than most, but I believe getting my divorce over as quickly as possible helped me more than anything. The way I looked at it, I'm pretty young and have the rest of my life to make up the assets. I don't worry about it. Once you get past the legal stuff, there isn't anything to argue about. Plus, once you recover mentally (which I still haven't done completely but gaining steam by the day), you will find yourself getting back to the confident person that you are.

 

She is going to do what she is going to do. At some point, she will regret it. Going to visit an ex-boyfriend in Florida I'm sure is tough to swallow. During your divorce, you have to do what's right for you and the kids. Your kids will figure out the real story on their own. They may not today, but they will. That's what I try to keep in mind.

 

Easier said than done, you can't be a mind-reader. You said for better or worse, and meant it. Unfortunately, the person you were married to didn't. That's the society we live in today. You can not interpret anything. It will be a roller coaster and there are days you believe you are making progress, and days you aren't.

 

I'm not going to lie, part of me is still in love with my ex-wife. I'm not thrilled with the decisions she makes personally, but she is a great mother. My wife has withdrawn from several of our closest couple friends because of a couple of different reasons. They all want to know "why she went to this level". At the same time, we have so many events for our kids, if you didn't know we were divorced we look like one big happy family. Thursday nights are the worst. I drop my daughter off after "my time" and always end up staying around and hanging out. Last night I was there until 1 in the morning just hanging out and talking about everything, kids, etc. I never brought up "let's get back together" that _____ never gets me anywhere. It's like ramming your head into a wall. I have asked my ex-wife on dates, and was told "no" multiple times. 2 days before our divorce was final, I showed up at my home unexpected in a limo in front of my kids. Chauffer went to the door with a dress for my wife that I picked out. She was so shocked, but ended up getting dressed and going. We ended up going out on the most memorable date of all time. I'll probably never have another date like that. But I had decided I was getting one more date, no matter what it took. My point was 2 things, #1 I did give a huge ____ about her and the kids. Secondly, no matter what the next guy goes out with her, they have to live up to that last date. Somewhere in her mind, she will remember that night the rest of her life. That's what route i went. Took a lot of balls, but I wanted to know i did everything I could to salvage it. It didn't work, but brought me some peace.

 

It gets better. Hang in there. You are going to get stumped. We all do. Get your swagger back, and don't feel sorry for yourself. Defriend her ass off facebook....get rid of facebook completely. You don't need it, and all you will do is find yourself stalking her. You will feel like a complete douche bag, and all it does it kick you in the nuts worse.

 

I appreciate everyone's posts....and typing this helps me get some type of therapy to get it off my chest. It doesn't make sens and never will.

 

 

Thanks, man. Every word you said literally hit pretty deep with me. Like I've said, it's crazy that total strangers going through this same type of thing know so much more about what to say/do/experience than those who are close to us and know us the best because experiencing this type of pain is simply a brotherhood. It's so generic and easy to say cliche statements and words as friend and family member while ultimately having no clue.

 

I am going to deactivate my FB, as there is clearly nothing to be gained by it. I thought by keeping it, I could look for little positive clues here and there, but I'm only seeing negative ones--such as her either hiding or changing her married status to me. It's sad and embarrassing and there is nothing to be gained by keeping tabs at all. Very unhealthy.

 

Not that your situation is envious in any way, but I've thought about the "last date" thing before and I hope we are at the point where I can attempt to pull something like that off successfully. Kudos to you for going through with it and you certainly accomplished, personally, what you wanted to with it...regardless of how much she is or was on board, emotionally. I also hope we can reach a stage of shared existence in the same room like you guys have. How old are your kids, if you don't mind me asking? In my situaton (2 years old and 6 months), I don't have the events that will be common enough for us to attend as of yet. On the flip-side, I guess the fact my kids are so young will certainly help long term with them and me. Like you said, eventually they will want to know the story of us, and there are not two sides to the ending--she quit without trying, and opted to take a stroll down midlife-crisis lane. Similar to me, as awful as the exchanges seem to be with the kids, at least I know they are in a good home and she is a good mom. So that does help. The mutual friend thing you said was interesting also. I find myself sharing some of these text exchanges with people who did not think she could be quite THIS crazy, just to get the reassurance that I'm not! On the filing an answer situation (to her petition for dissolution), I do have an additional 20 days to answer now after a dirty tactic that she and her attorney tried to pull. While I've looked at that as additional time to drag this out, maybe you're right---just go ahead and file my answer on day 1 instead of waiting and moving on. If nothing else, that's going to get me closer to the visitation/custody arrangement I want and need.

 

Life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. It's easy to lose sight of that during our moments of pain and sorrow. There will be a time where she realizes what she gave up on and she will realize that she doesn't have closure. That is the hardest part for me---just not knowing. If we gave it a shot after the separation started and it failed, things would be so much easier to swallow right now. Hell if we didn't have kids, things would be 100x easier it seems. I could just avoid her completely. I find myself then and now holding on the to positive and remembering all the good things, while she, sadly, is running from that and trying so hard to revise history and detach, making things seem so much less happy than they were. Here's to both of us becoming and staying strong, regardless.

[Movingforward2]

There is no closure. You will never get the answer you are looking for. It's like your STBXW is a zombie. They make decisions that you are like WTF?!?!

 

Do the 180. Get moving. Get to a gym. Get to a church. Get to a counselor. All of those will help. Rely on your friends. Go make some new ones. Meet as many people as possible. Join a DivorceCare group. There are people going through the same stuff you are.

 

It's easier said than done, but it's all you can do. I was stuck for awhile in a "neutral phase" and it completely sucked. I signed up to be married and have a family. I'm not sure if I ever want to be married ever again, but I can do everything I want to do, just not get hitched.

 

You will do things with your kids that you never thought you would do. Take the time to get to know your kids. The last 5-6 months I've done all kinds of things outside the box. You will make it through it.

 

The facebook and social media thing is the worst. You will become a stalker and feel like a complete tool. It will drive you crazy. Deactivate it.....you don't have to have it to survive. There was life before it.

 

On your "stuff"......I left all my stuff in my mancave and if she wanted me out bad enough she could send it to me. She proceeded to give away our couch, etc. You don't want any of that anyway because all it will do is remind you of your family. You don't have to have it.

 

You will be fine. Keep posting. Others need to read your posts and your story. We all identify with it. It's weird, strange, and it sucks. Divorce sucks. You'll get through it.

[SoleMate]

...I am probably a classic example of the doormat/Nice Guy theory. I just prioritized too many things over her, ignored the warning signs, and treated things like more of a friendship for too long...

Not an example of Nice Guy at all. You need to check your cognitive dissonance.

 

Neglecting your wife over an extended period was a mistake. Some say wives will endure even mistreatment more easily than they will neglect. It's not nice and not smart and not conducive to a long lasting marriage, to put your wife last and ignore her feelings for years. Hope you learn from this.

[winston36]

Not an example of Nice Guy at all. You need to check your cognitive dissonance.

 

Neglecting your wife over an extended period was a mistake. Some say wives will endure even mistreatment more easily than they will neglect. It's not nice and not smart and not conducive to a long lasting marriage, to put your wife last and ignore her feelings for years. Hope you learn from this.

 

 

Solemate, don't get me wrong...I sincerely put 100% of the problems that led to our marriage failing on my shoulders, and communicated this to her as such. She was aware of the other problems/pressures in my life and I think was patient for a long time as a result. I did make mistakes and fully owned up to them, regardless of whether or not it was too late. Where I compared myself to a doormat or "nice guy" has been during this two month separation. Everything I've said to her has been nice and pleasant, generally directed at seeing the kids and asking how everyone is doing. She has not said or done one thing remotely pleasant or nice, which is fine, but I've taken it all on the chin without saying a word and defending my honor or rights to see the kids. I've done this out of guilt I guess for feeling bad about how things went and ended, but two months of direct hate from her has been torture. Even when things were bad during marriage, I never raised my voice, never yelled at her or started a fight, and could leave my work troubles at the door when I came in. I told my friend that I blame myself for anything that went wrong during the last 12 months but what's happened during the last two is squarely on her. She seems to have no interest in maintaining a civil relationship for the sake of the kids, which is bizarre considering there was no bad think like abuse, infidelity, etc, that would or should cause her to harbor extreme hostility toward me. Falling out of love with me and moving on would seemingly make it easier for her to be nice to me if that's all I'm doing in return.

[Steadfast]

Neglecting your wife over an extended period was a mistake. Some say wives will endure even mistreatment more easily than they will neglect. It's not nice and not smart and not conducive to a long lasting marriage, to put your wife last and ignore her feelings for years

 

This is all true. Every word. Hard to read for those of us (like me) who are guilty of the same thing. My ex tried to tell me. I didn't want to hear it.

 

That doesn't excuse cheating, nor does the cheating absolve me.

 

We're probably all weary of hearing 'it is what it is' but that best describes your situation winston. Take from the experience those things needed to learn and grow as a person. Don't allow the divorce to be for nothing.

 

Leave her alone. Yet, on those times when you see her, heaping loads of kindness, patience and understanding will be the order of the day. It won't happen at first but if you continue, her opinion of you (and her attitude) will surely change. Be consistent. Let time prove who you really are.

[winston36]

This is all true. Every word. Hard to read for those of us (like me) who are guilty of the same thing. My ex tried to tell me. I didn't want to hear it.

 

That doesn't excuse cheating, nor does the cheating absolve me.

 

We're probably all weary of hearing 'it is what it is' but that best describes your situation winston. Take from the experience those things needed to learn and grow as a person. Don't allow the divorce to be for nothing.

 

Leave her alone. Yet, on those times when you see her, heaping loads of kindness, patience and understanding will be the order of the day. It won't happen at first but if you continue, her opinion of you (and her attitude) will surely change. Be consistent. Let time prove who you really are.

 

Thanks, Stead. And you're right, just let time be the judge and jury really. I was aware she was unhappy, and I guess being complacent is akin to not taking action and fixing things. It was just hard. I felt at the time that honestly we were both equally fed up with the other...she frequently said she was a bad wife and felt she let me down. We let each other down. I regret putting all of this on me since the split, but I thought it was the only way. Time and circumstances got the best of us. Where I really screwed up was just thinking that she had to be thinking like me--divorce wouldn't/couldn't be an option. I thought we had to try and exhaust every opportunity via counseling or whatever. We never gave it a solid effort together or sat down and calmly discussed our issues, rather than fighting, eye-rolling and finger-pointing. She was entitled to have her straw-breaking moment even if it was earlier than mine. I just think if I had an ultimatum or anything close to it, I would have corrected everything that minute. Knowing she was upset and thinking she's out the door are two different things. I just didn't see the next step being separation and now divorce, and for that I was blind. I maintain that we could and would have been great because so many things that were breaking us down were just immaturity on my part and my work schedule keeping us from having anything of substance. Those obstacles have been removed now, just like I planned, and by giving it one more shot I figured she could abandon ship at any moment if she didn't like the 180 I was making or the changes I was capable of. I especially thought another shot would be successful because she didn't have to get over anything truly specific or cheating or anything. Before she left, I asked for a little more time and she didn't want to give it nor was she obligated. It's okay. Hell, it HAS to be okay. But to put my work situation in perspective, I found out tonight my supervisor was so disgusted and upset over how much they put on me at work, which he felt solely led to this separation and divorce (it didn't, but played a role like I said) that he has now taken an indefinite leave of absence over being so distraught. It's tough.

[sidney2718]

Where I really screwed up was just thinking that she had to be thinking like me--divorce wouldn't/couldn't be an option. I thought we had to try and exhaust every opportunity via counseling or whatever. We never gave it a solid effort together or sat down and calmly discussed our issues, rather than fighting, eye-rolling and finger-pointing. She was entitled to have her straw-breaking moment even if it was earlier than mine. I just think if I had an ultimatum or anything close to it, I would have corrected everything that minute. Knowing she was upset and thinking she's out the door are two different things. I just didn't see the next step being separation and now divorce, and for that I was blind.

 

In general men and women do not speak the same language. That's certainly not a secret. Yet it is amazing how men and women miscommunicate totally. Your wife probably did signal you in many ways that she was not happy. She wanted to be married to you and not your damned job -- which in the end fired you anyway.

 

And I know you are sincere in what you would have done if you'd known what she was feeling. This is the stuff of tragedy. I suspect that there is no happy ending at this point.

 

What you need to do is to fix your self-respect. Getting another job is one major thing. Building yourself up is another. And with two divorce lawyers in your family you should know your rights with regard to child custody and visitation.

 

Yes, it is going to be tough, horribly tough. But you will make it out the other side. And you can always come here to LS for help and pats on the back.

[winston36]

In general men and women do not speak the same language. That's certainly not a secret. Yet it is amazing how men and women miscommunicate totally. Your wife probably did signal you in many ways that she was not happy. She wanted to be married to you and not your damned job -- which in the end fired you anyway.

 

And I know you are sincere in what you would have done if you'd known what she was feeling. This is the stuff of tragedy. I suspect that there is no happy ending at this point.

 

What you need to do is to fix your self-respect. Getting another job is one major thing. Building yourself up is another. And with two divorce lawyers in your family you should know your rights with regard to child custody and visitation.

 

Yes, it is going to be tough, horribly tough. But you will make it out the other side. And you can always come here to LS for help and pats on the back.

 

Thanks, Sidney. You're right. My self-respect has been totally shot, and I'm sure it's visible to her even if I'm not. It has to be. Today was a good, productive day for me and I'll look to build on it tomorrow. And yes, I'm getting good counsel from my family and others--something for dads out there like me to know is there is a recourse for the lost visitation, etc, called a Pendente Lite hearing that I can request to get things like this straightened out during this process. I can even request additional days on top of the 50/50 split I seek going forward to make up for what I've lost, so that is comforting to know.

And everyone, I appreciate the straight talk. Honestly, a bunch of pats on the back would be useless, so I need to be called out for the mistakes I've made. I've tried to be up front about that and own what I've done, even if it sounds like I'm building a defense in the process.

I've got to stop dwelling, stop thinking, stop wishing...and just start moving and reacting. Read a quote today that I really liked from Bill Cosby actually, and I'm going to try to use it every second of every day from now on

"The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now"

Thanks everyone.

[Steadfast]

Someday, at some point you'll have the chance to offer a sincere apology. That time will be when she's receptive of you...when there's clearly nothing for you to 'gain' (as in manipulation) by opening up. She'll recognize that.

 

I like you attitude. Keep pushing through.