Lost everything....

[Berkley]

To be honest, I didn't even think of myself as an OW until I was blasted on a forum for those suffering heartbreak. It never felt that way because we were friends more than anything else....and, as much as I love him, it is the loss of that friendship that is killing me.

 

It's a long story with a whole lot of ups and downs, so I'll try my best to give a condensed version.

I'm single, divorced twice ( one doesn't count since I got married way too young ). Four years ago I moved eight hrs away from my kids to be with my aging parents who both have health problems. Also to escape from hell - small town, divorced hometown boy, ostracized by most in favor of he and his new woman ( who was the OW). Being here without my kids is very hard - they are not young, all in their teens and twenties, but it's still hard.

 

I started working with my friend three years ago. Although a whole lot younger, he was my boss. He is married with very young kids. We hit it off right away, laughed a lot, always had fun - spent a lot of time together. It was after all, just the two of us, every day. We became good friends, could spend hours just talking and laughing. We were comfortable together and started to open up to one another about more serious stuff going on in our lives. He flirted a lot, but that's all it was, just the way he is. Eventually the flirting got more serious and we became attracted to one another...and about 5 months in to our friendship, sparks began to fly. It was passionate, but we never really crossed any 'lines'...there was no sex.

 

Seven months after I met him, I had an accident and had to have emergency surgery , was told I was lucky because the slightest wrong move could have killed me. 3 1/2 weeks in hospital, months of recovery. Needless to say, it was hell. My 'friend' all but abandoned me. A few texts here and there, he, his wife and DS came to see me in the hospital, then he disappeared again....for four months.

I recovered remarkably well and was eventually able to return to work. We had our friendship back and things were good...just friends. It was a job I absolutely loved...best job ever. Eventually, the feelings and attraction crept back in and the benefits part of our friendship started up again. Still never slept together and I never had one single thought of wanting him for myself...of him leaving his family. I like what we had. I liked his wife and his kids. I saw them almost every day. There was never any guilt because I didn't feel like the OW...it felt natural and rather innocent since there was no actual sex and no intentions of breaking up a family. Lots of intimacy, cuddling, holding one another, massages on lunch breaks...and...well, he got some extra benefits as well. We had our ups and downs, disagreements... two hard headed , stubborn people who spent every day together, bound to happen, but overall, it was great. The majority of the time we were just friends. Once and a while, he would start feeling guilty and take it out on me by being a real arse for a day or so, then everything would go back to 'normal'.

 

This year, things changed. We got really close emotionally. We started getting hotter and heavier physically, and it got harder and harder to keep from crossing that line we had set. This spring, he told me we had to stop - that for the first time, because of the emotions involved, it felt like an affair and it had to stop, he couldn't lie to his family, he couldn't live with the guilt. We lasted two weeks with the whole platonic thing. He was so angry at himself, angry with me for not being strong enough to stop him ( he was always the one to start the intimate/physical stuff...I never initiated it, but left it to him ) that he became one of the biggest *******s I've ever met in my life. He was mean, cruel, he blew up at me over everything at work, treated me like crap for a month straight. We eventually got through that ...and...of course, fell back into the same FWB routine. All summer this kept repeating itself...slipping up, him getting angry, me being hurt, fighting. He'd fire me, then come back a day or two later and try to fix everything...neither of us could let go. We cared too deeply for one another to throw it away, our friendship was too important and neither of us wanted to lose it.

 

We stopped the benefits completely and kept it that way for 5 months. Things were never the same. There was always tension between us. Either he would put a big wall up, keep his distance, keep it very casual...and that would hurt me and we'd end up angry. Or, he'd let his guard down, start having fun again, enjoying each other like we used to...and he'd shut off and be a jerk again to protect himself.

 

On top of all of this.... the damage I received from my accident started to deteriorate. I got really depressed - I've always been so independent and fit and strong...and now my body was failing. I knew this would be my last year at my job...it was too physically demanding and I wasn't strong enough any more.

 

Our last few months at work were hard. I was depressed, losing my health again after I thought I had beat it. Losing the job I loved. Knowing that I would never be able to share the time with him ever again like we had for three years. He promised that he would always be there for me, that our friendship was too important to him, that he would never disappear again. He realised how much he was going to miss me...he let his guard down - started getting mushier, calling me sweetheart, telling me how much I mean to him...and for the first time - started telling me how much he loves me. I was sad...a lot. I didn't want to lose my job, didn't want to lose him. I loved him so much, he had been such a huge part of my life for so long. He started to get close again, just lots of hugging, holding each other, putting his arms around me...telling me everything was going to be Ok between us...that we would be friends for a very long time. That I'm the only friend he has that he can be so open and honest with, that he can talk to about everything.

 

Then, our last day of work...a very emotional morning, lots of crying ( me ) and hugging and comforting ( him ). He took me for lunch...and...told me that he needs a break from us, needs to take a hiatus from our friendship. He said that he just can't be around me, he doesn't enjoy being near me...he can't trust himself any more when I'm around. He said that he loves me dearly and it was getting to hard for him not to want to be with me and that every time we were together it was harder and harder for him to stop himself. He said I loved him too much, needed him too much...and he just couldn't be there for me any more.

 

The next week we were supposed to meet for lunch....to give him back my uniforms, get all my paperwork, give me my xmas bonus and letter. I get a text...he mailed everything, he doesn't want to see me.

Do not contact him. No texts, no emails, no calls. I was devastated, angry...sent him some pretty ugly texts. So, he calls the next day....he was sweet and sad...but just kept saying that he can't do it any more, it was killing both of us. He told me over and over how much he loves me...but we need time to heal and move on. he said it's not forever, it will just take time...he will always love me and care deeply, he will always be my friend, but he needs time. Again...do not call, text, write, email...nothing. There are brighter skies ahead. Goodbye....for now.

 

And that was it. It's been a month and a half. He's gone. My job is gone. My friend is gone. He was such a huge part of my life for so long...and just like that, all just gone.

 

I don't know how to even start to heal...the pain is so overwhelming and consuming. I feel so lost, so empty, so alone. I don't even know where to start or how to feel better.

[cozycottagelg]

This is heartbreaking I am so sorry to hear about your accident and all that you have lost.

 

Can you move closer to your children? Just for some companionship?

[Snipercatt]

Berkley, much of what you feel is normal considering all of the things that are going one, with you.

 

The only way to recover is to focus on those things which aid recovery. I know that sounds redundant, but when you are being impacted by so many things it is hard to know where to turn.

 

You are going to have to prioritize your recovery. By that I mean you are going to need to focus on the couple of things that are most important. Is it your health? Is it a job?

 

You should get out of bed, every day, and prepare for the day just as you would before this happened. Get up and get moving. Physically moving around changes our body's chemistry, for the better. The endorphins created by physical activity help to brighten our mood and thinking process. It may be the last thing you want to do, but it has to be done.

 

Eat and drink healthy.

 

If a job is of concern, start the process of getting out there and getting interviews.

 

Eventually you will begin to fill you time, thoughts and emotions with new people and new situations. You can speed that process up.

 

Wishing you peace of mind and the motivation you need.

[luvsadrummer]

Hugs to you. The way he behaves and ended it with you sounds exactly the same as the way my MM ended it with me.... exactly. I feel your pain. The only thing I can tell you is, honoring his NC request is the best thing you can do for yourself. I would be interested to follow you on how this goes because he indicated that this break is not forever. I really wonder if he means that. I'd like to know how you handle the situation if he does restart later assuming he is still married when he does.

 

In my own situation, I guess I don't know how I will handle things if my MM wants to restart again in the future. So, I'm looking to others experience to formulate my resolve if/when that happens to me. I'm just afraid of restarting because it will lead to the same pain I'm in right now.

 

Hugs to you... I know how painful this is for you. Not sure if it helps, but rest assured, you're not alone. Cling to your family and friends for support... that does help.

[Berkley]

CC - really can't move closer to my kids, just could not live there again.

 

 

Sniper - There is nothing that can be done as far as my injury damage, it is degenerative and progressive and there's no way to stop it. My body, especially my hands, just keep getting weaker and number. I've been trying to take care of myself, but sleep doesn't come easy when you have so much to shoulder. My job was a very active, physically demanding one, so having some time to let my body rest isn't such a bad thing....but I have found another job - which doesn't start until spring.

 

 

Luvs - That's the part that confuses me - I know that the FWB part strained our friendship and caused so many problems that we really did need a break....but I had just assumed that with me not working for him any more, that break would just be natural. I never expected him to just cut me out of his life completely like this. I don't understand why, if this was his plan, he kept telling me how much he loves me...that is something he always said he just could never say to me. Why now ?

I do not want the FWB back....just the friendship.

He will never leave his marriage...he loves his family, they are his life. I can't imagine what he'd do without them.

 

 

He means the world to me and I miss him desperately....but another part of me is so angry and hurt at all of the horrible things he's said and done that I don't know if we can ever really recover from it. Without proper closure - I don't know if all of the hurtful things were just said out of anger and frustration because of his guilt...or if he really meant them. I don't know if he doesn't enjoy being around me because of his self control...or if he just doesn't enjoy our friendship any more.

He could go from being so funny, so sweet, such a joy to be around...to being the biggest arse ever...and I don't know which side of him is telling me the truth. And, I really don't know if I can forgive him for treating me this way.

The rejection, ostracism, being ignored and shut out....is so painful.

Part of me wants my friend back, wants desperately to know how he is doing, how the kids are, to be able to go for lunch, have fun together.....but the other part of me isn't ready to forgive and isn't sure that will be enough after spending every day together for so long. I resent being totally out of control...he holds all the cards and always has....so part of me is still angry that he could just order me to go away and not allow me to have a say in it.

I really don't know how to react if/when he calls.

[whichwayisup]

Things will never go back to what it once was, you two crossed the platonic lines a long time ago and over time this all changed into an EA/PA.

 

I think (just my 2 cents) as painful as this is for you, you should really focus on grieving the loss and rid of any hope or expectations that you two will be 'friends' or even lovers again. It's over. He has chosen to stay married and no friendship is healthy or good for either of you. He handled it badly, hurt you and said some awful cruel things -- It's just his way of ending it so he can move on and not deal with you or your emotions/reactions. Men don't like drama (even though he's helped create it).

 

If you can't cope on your own, please get counseling so you can process all this in a healthy way.

[Berkley]

Things will never go back to what it once was, you two crossed the platonic lines a long time ago and over time this all changed into an EA/PA.

 

I think (just my 2 cents) as painful as this is for you, you should really focus on grieving the loss and rid of any hope or expectations that you two will be 'friends' or even lovers again. It's over. He has chosen to stay married and no friendship is healthy or good for either of you. He handled it badly, hurt you and said some awful cruel things -- It's just his way of ending it so he can move on and not deal with you or your emotions/reactions. Men don't like drama (even though he's helped create it).

 

If you can't cope on your own, please get counseling so you can process all this in a healthy way.

 

 

There was never any question as to him leaving his family...ever. It was never that kind of relationship....that was never what I wanted from him. it was a FWB with two people who cared deeply for one another more than a typical affair.

I wouldn't hold on to any hope of a friendship if he hadn't continued to tell me this was not forever, it was just until we both healed.

If he wanted total closure, for good....he needed to step up and be honest with me instead of always adding that...for now part.

[wannabdone]

Argh.... first off let me say (((((hugs))))))). I can feel the heartbreak and the pain in your post. I am so sorry for everything you are going through and feeling.

 

 

I know everyone likes to give the way to heal, and what you should do - - - each of us is different, and we have to do things that are the best way for us. I think whichwayisup is onto something with accepting what your relationship is. I think acceptance is always the first step to healing. It doesn't by any means make the pain go away, but it will get you there.

 

 

I am sure you know this, but he became so much to you - - - your safe haven from the divorce, the leaving your children, the aging parents, all the pain - - - he ended up being your bright spot. I know this is easier said than done, but you have to learn how to find out how to make your own bright spot. When we depend on others for that, it is never a healthy relationship. (trust me, I say this from doing the exact same thing).

 

 

I think for right now, its all about taking care of yourself, and accepting. Accepting what has happened, what won't happen, that you have the right to hurt - - and give it time. It will come. And I do think if you can, go get IC - - - it will be good to work through everything you have going on.

 

 

Keep your head up!!!

[wannabdone]

There was never any question as to him leaving his family...ever. It was never that kind of relationship....that was never what I wanted from him. it was a FWB with two people who cared deeply for one another more than a typical affair.

I wouldn't hold on to any hope of a friendship if he hadn't continued to tell me this was not forever, it was just until we both healed.

If he wanted total closure, for good....he needed to step up and be honest with me instead of always adding that...for now part.

 

 

 

That is the MO that you will see they have in common. Its always about leaving a small opening. I'm not sure why - - maybe it helps with their guilt, maybe they think it helps us to not flip out, maybe it keeps it open for them to come back when they want, maybe all of the above. Whatever the case is - - its very selfish.

 

 

I'm not down playing that he doesn't have feelings for you. But he does seem to neglect your feelings. disappearing when you were injured, then blaming you for not making him stop. he is grown - - - he needs to own up, and remember what you have going on. That is what love really is!

[Berkley]

Wannabedone...That is exactly what he became for me. The divorce was almost 9 years ago...I'm long over my ex. But he became my go to, my crutch. His kids became a much needed highlight to missing mine ( his DD is only two months older than my grandbaby ).

With all he has going on in his own life, I know it was too much for him to take on and he started to resent it.

I know I needed him too much....but he's all I had.

The more I depended on him, the further he distanced himself...which made it hurt even more.

 

 

He wants us to take time, heal the wounds. He wants me to be at peace...but I don't know how I can do that with this overwhelming pain...literal pain - heart ache.

When you spend so much time with someone, open your hearts and your lives to where you can trust them to talk about anything...it just leaves this huge empty hole.

[veryhappy]

A real friend doesn't abandon you when you have a serious accident. A real friend doesn't abandon you on the brink off depression, losing your health permanently and wondering about the future. He is not your friend and never truly was.

 

This was an A that he named fwb or whatever to justify it in his mind that he's not really cheating. He sounds unstable or he's using denial as his favorite coping mechanism. He didn't want to catch feelings and when he did didn't know what to do with them and treated you like dirt.

 

Friends don't treat you like ****. Try to reframe that in your mind. He was and is not a friend. He's an opportunistic immature blame shifting man.

 

I wish you good health. Take good care of yourself, because he definitely won't.

[luvsadrummer]

You are right about the big empty hole. And it's a hole that not even time can fill or heal.

 

In my case, my MM filed a hole that not even my H could fill completely (and I love my H dearly). For me, my hole was the need for a true compassionate friend. I've needed that all my life. I define a compassionate person as one who listens, loves and lifts. My H loves me, but he sort of crumbles at the listening part, which makes it hard for him to be able to lift when I'm seriously down. My MM, somehow was the only person I've ever known, who managed to always keep that hole filled for me, and it came second nature to him. So to lose such a friend leaves me (you) with a pain that not even time will ever fill. And sometimes you never meet another person who fills that hole without leaving gaps.

 

But time does help. Distance and NC does help. You will hurt horribly every single day. Not a day will pass where he won't be on your mind.... probably not even an hour will pass where he is not on your mind. That's how I am even after 4 months. But each day... the fog does clear, and you will feel a fraction of an ounce stronger with each day.

 

Don't worry about whether he meant it's forever or not... just accept that the love felt right, but the timing is wrong. And he will reach back out to you again, when the timing is right.

 

Some will disagree with this, as it means you're holding out for him. But that's not the point of what you'll be doing. This kind of acceptance is just a coping mechanism, to get you through each minute... each hour and each day. I know, because that is what I've had to do. I'm still in the early stages of this acceptance, but it's helped me so much. And it's taken me months to get here.

 

I'm like you. I didn't consider myself an OW because to me, he was just an important friend whom I needed and loved with all my heart. So hopefully, sharing with you how I'm finding my way out of the fog will perhaps help you just a little. It's not easy, and it will remain very painful for who knows how long. I didn't get counseling, but I do go for long walks every day to unleash my emotions. I talk as if he were present. Surprisingly, that helps. There are some other small things I do, that also help.

 

Take it a day at a time.... some of us on this board have been or currently are where you are and will support you with compassion and share our experiences. Insights into the positive side of what you're missing because of this break will also clear the fog so you can move on... but it's a slow process.

[Berkley]

A real friend doesn't abandon you when you have a serious accident. A real friend doesn't abandon you on the brink off depression, losing your health permanently and wondering about the future. He is not your friend and never truly was.

 

This was an A that he named fwb or whatever to justify it in his mind that he's not really cheating. He sounds unstable or he's using denial as his favorite coping mechanism. He didn't want to catch feelings and when he did didn't know what to do with them and treated you like dirt.

 

Friends don't treat you like ****. Try to reframe that in your mind. He was and is not a friend. He's an opportunistic immature blame shifting man.

 

I wish you good health. Take good care of yourself, because he definitely won't.

 

 

I wish I could argue or disagree with you, but I can't.

There is no doubt at all that he's treated me like crap more often than not this year. He can be a real ******* and is the first to admit that....but the first two years that side of him didn't show up very often....for the most part he was really great to be around every day.

He can be sweet, vulnerable, understanding, sympathetic, caring....but the other side of him is unbelievably ignorant and cold.

Of course, I was already in too deep when things went from bad to worse this spring...and I can not profess to be clear of any guilt either....he was horrible to me many times, but I knew well just how to push his buttons as well.

It was all around a very stressful, emotional time for both of us.

 

 

He isn't using the term FWB to cover anything....I don't even know if he uses it....it simply explains what we had more than affair does. We never slept together, never met up after work hours or sent each other secret love letters or hidden phone calls. Just not the typical relationship one thinks of when they think affair.

[Berkley]

 

 

 

I'm like you. I didn't consider myself an OW because to me, he was just an important friend whom I needed and loved with all my heart.

 

.

 

 

 

Yes....that's exactly it !!

 

 

Yes, he was guilty and frustrated and angry this year and he took it out on me a lot....but we have been close for three years and have shared a whole lot of good times, emotional times, close times and hilarious times.

he may not be the perfect friend, but I know he cares deeply the best he can......and I miss him dearly.

 

 

I bought him a b'day card today....nothing mushy or sentimental....just said All my best. Haven't decided whether I'll actually send it or not...it's just something I've always done...for him, his kids, etc for three years now, so it feels wrong not to...even if he considers it contact and it ticks him off.

[whichwayisup]

I bought him a b'day card today....nothing mushy or sentimental....just said All my best. Haven't decided whether I'll actually send it or not...it's just something I've always done...for him, his kids, etc for three years now, so it feels wrong not to...even if he considers it contact and it ticks him off.

Don't do it. You need to have pride now and if you send it, break NC he's going to lose respect for you. It's over and right now (or maybe forever) he isn't the man you thought he was. What was in the past of him being kind caring and nice is gone. He has distanced himself from you, has detached enough to be rude and mean to you. Why reward someone who has treated you so poorly? Keep that in mind. Sending the card with good intentions won't be received as such by him.

[luvsadrummer]

Berkley.... Another important side of this to consider is how he feels, the emotional roller coaster he's been dealing with at home.

 

It sounds like his BS has been suspicious throughout the course of your relationship. That explains his hot and cold, on and off behavior toward you.

 

It also explains the way he ended it with you, changing the lunch plans, to simply mailing the things to you and requesting no further communication by any means. It really sounds like there was some kind of discovery at home and his BS confronted him about it and demanded that he end it with you cold turkey.

 

His behavior shows a lot of frustration on his end through this whole thing, wanting a relationship with you, but sensing suspicion from his BS, and feeling the guilt the whole time. It's a lot for a man to deal with. And then to have his BS figure things out, well, now he is doing what he needs to do at home. That is where his priorities exist. The healing he referred to isn't just for you and him, but also for his marriage.

 

It is possible that for now, he's doing everything he can to gain trust back with his BS and fix things there.

 

You love him deeply, I know. I'm in the same situation. So I can tell you that it will help you gain strength and clarity if you consider his feelings. Consider what he is going through... guilt, frustration, embarrassment, pain, etc. Knowing this will help you maintain NC and bring things a little more back to normal.

 

Nobody talks about this much, but honoring NC when it's initiated by the other person actually puts the power in YOUR hands. He will be expecting you to break it (even though he doesn't want you to break it), but when he sees that you keep it beautifully, he'll realize that you are stronger than he expected. Which really tips the balance in your favor.

Edited January 16, 2014 by luvsadrummer

[Berkley]

His W was not suspicious of anything going on between us at all, I know that for a fact. I had a very friendly, real relationship with her, visited with she and the kids after our work day. I was able to be completely transparent around her....because n my mind, I wasn't doing anything to betray her - had no desire or intension to take her husband or break up her family. I know that concept is difficult to understand and probably makes no sense to most people.

I'm sure his behavior at home was different this year as well...I know it was, but there was a lot going on in his life that was causing stress and tension besides me, so she chalked his moods up to those problems.

 

 

That said, I do respect his feelings...if I didn't, no way I could have stuck with NC. All along - being a guy, being my boss - he showed me only his anger, frustration, resentment.....but the last time I saw him and spoke to him - he let his guard down and I saw for the first time how much pain this was causing him. I know that he has a lot of healing to do as well.

 

 

Knowing that makes it even harder....someone you care so deeply for is hurting and for three years you've always be there to listen and comfort.....and now I can do nothing.

[luvsadrummer]

His W was not suspicious of anything going on between us at all, I know that for a fact. I had a very friendly, real relationship with her, visited with she and the kids after our work day. I was able to be completely transparent around her....because n my mind, I wasn't doing anything to betray her - had no desire or intension to take her husband or break up her family. I know that concept is difficult to understand and probably makes no sense to most people.

I'm sure his behavior at home was different this year as well...I know it was, but there was a lot going on in his life that was causing stress and tension besides me, so she chalked his moods up to those problems.

 

 

 

I understand you had no intentions of taking him from his W. I get that. I was the same way. But the fact remains, you had an emotional affair with him, and on some level it did in fact become physical with all the cuddling, hugging, etc. That coupled with the intimate discussions, the "I love you" exchanges all add up to Affair, regardless of your intentions not to take him from her. At least he recognizes this.... hence the distancing. He understands he is betraying the most important people in his life. And that is painful for him. He gets it.

 

Would you have told him you love him in front of her? Would he have told you he loves you in front of her?

 

You agree that his behavior at home was different this past year. To exclude that any of those changes had anything to do with his stress over his relationship with you shows how much fog you are in. And those changes in his behavior at home would be obvious to his wife, someone who knows him far more intimately than you. She knows him and she would suspect that he may be wandering. You need to understand that. Wives are not ignorant toward their husbands faithfulness. Even if they don't know the facts, they do know when something is wrong.

 

In all likelihood, she would NOT want to let her suspicions known to you, because that might hinder her investigation into why he is behaving differently.... and prevent her from getting to the bottom of it. BS dont always confront the OW.

 

It sounds like he is protecting you from that side of his life either because he feels it is none of your business, or he simply is a typical man and doesn't want any more added drama than already exists.

 

At any rate, he is focusing on her and the family now. He is possibly in more pain than you are because he has much more at stake than you. And yes, you can do something to help him, and that is to honor his request not to contact him. He needs that, and you need that.

 

Hugs to you... and I mean that... I know this is very painful, but if you make the right choice to remain NC, you'll get through the fog and pain and feel better in time.

Edited January 16, 2014 by luvsadrummer

[Berkley]

 

You agree that his behavior at home was different this past year. To exclude that any of those changes had anything to do with his stress over his relationship with you shows how much fog you are in. And those changes in his behavior at home would be obvious to his wife, someone who knows him far more intimately than you. She knows him and she would suspect that he may be wandering. You need to understand that. Wives are not ignorant toward their husbands faithfulness. Even if they don't know the facts, they do know when something is wrong.

 

And in many cases, she would NOT want to let her suspicions known to you, because that might hinder her investigation into why he is behaving differently.... and prevent her from getting to the bottom of it. BS dont always confront the OW.

 

It sounds like he is protecting you from that side of his life either because he feels it is none of your business, or he simply is a typical man and doesn't want any more added drama than already exists.

 

.

 

 

I never meant to exclude the fact that his moods had a lot to do with me...of course that is not the case. But there were a lot of huge stresses with work that would more than explain his crappy behavior to her as well....she had no reason to be suspicious.

He did not try to hide his home life from me...nor a lot of our issues with his W. He discussed a lot of things with her in regards to me....my health issues, depression, etc because they affected his decision to let me go. She always knew when the two of us were having issues....but believed they were job related.

We discussed it a lot...and I know for a fact she did not suspect that there was anything between us....I'm not in a fog or in denial....I know it as fact. That is one thing he was always adamant about, that there was never any reason at all for her to lose the trust she had in me. If she had been the least bit suspicious...he would have told me straight out, I have no doubt about that.

 

 

He is trying to focus only on his family right now and be a better father/husband...and no one, including myself, could ever fault him for that.

I just wish there had been a way to do it without having to lose my friend...and his family, in the process.

[Berkley]

Bad week all around....I truly can't wait for the time to come when I can get through a day and realize I haven't thought about him...constantly.

 

 

Was going through a bunch of photos on my computer Monday so that I could print some off for my office - and of course came across one that I took of him our last week of work. Made me cry again. He's so good looking - he's got that gorgeous little grin on, and a twinkle in his eyes....which always drew me back and made the ignorant things he did fade away. *sigh*

 

 

And today is his b'day. I ended up NOT sending the card I got for him and am glad I didn't....but that doesn't make today any easier.

I miss seeing him every day....I miss seeing him period.

It's been two months now and I still think about him all the time, as much as I try not to, he's always on my mind.

 

 

I guess I'm still struggling to understand how someone who claims to care, someone you shared so much with for so long can just throw that relationship/friendship away without looking back.

[ladydesigner]

Bad week all around....I truly can't wait for the time to come when I can get through a day and realize I haven't thought about him...constantly.

 

 

Was going through a bunch of photos on my computer Monday so that I could print some off for my office - and of course came across one that I took of him our last week of work. Made me cry again. He's so good looking - he's got that gorgeous little grin on, and a twinkle in his eyes....which always drew me back and made the ignorant things he did fade away. *sigh*

 

 

And today is his b'day. I ended up NOT sending the card I got for him and am glad I didn't....but that doesn't make today any easier.

I miss seeing him every day....I miss seeing him period.

It's been two months now and I still think about him all the time, as much as I try not to, he's always on my mind.

 

 

I guess I'm still struggling to understand how someone who claims to care, someone you shared so much with for so long can just throw that relationship/friendship away without looking back.

 

 

(((Berkley))) I'm so sorry you are in so much pain! It will take time to process this but you will feel better one day. I am both a fMOW and BS and I can understand the pain from both sides.

 

What my opinion is on the bolded is a person who can throw a relationship/friendship away is the same kind who can throw a marriage away. I don't think it is meant to be understood, focus on yourself and getting better.

[hippetyhop]

Berkley- my thoughts are with you. I’m going through the same thing—everything from him shutting down to just wanting to be friends now to now no contact. We broke up and made up; and the tension was there. I tried to have him open up; but he didn’t want to and I didn’t force him to either. I thought we had a stronger friendship than that. I’m devastated, but what can I do about it but move on?

 

 

First step: take a deep breath and relax. In the end, it’ll be okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

 

Second: You didn’t lose everything. You lost someone who you thought was your friend. Now you know how this person truly is; and do you want them in your life? I’ve learned and now accepting that I don’t. I do not want someone who said they’ll be my friend after all we’ve been through and then just shut me out?

 

Take it one day at a time. I still struggle at 7:30 a.m. when I’m waiting for his call of him driving to work and 5:00 p.m. when he’s driving home, and miscellaneous calls and texts. I find a way to keep myself occupied during those times. Weekends are a bit harder, but now I’ve learned not to expect this from him.

 

For any reason he does contact me in the future, I’m still not expecting a darn thing from him as he showed me that I shouldn’t.

[Berkley]

Logically I know that it's not always possible to understand someone else's thoughts, actions or reasoning....but it makes it that much harder on the one that was shut out.

 

 

I lost more than just a person who I thought was a friend - today also happens to be exactly two months since I worked my last day ever of the job that I loved so much for three years.

I also lost his family....watching his kids grow up was a joy every day and a way to ease missing my own family just a bit.

 

 

This was someone I spent every day, all day, 5 days a week with ( just the two of us )...so it's harder than suddenly losing someone you were only able to see occasionally. He and my job were both not only a part of, but were my daily routine for three years.

[Owl]

Question...what are you actively doing to fill your time and your mind?

 

The best way to deal with this is to focus on something else as much as you can. I understand you have some medical issues...how much time does therapy take of that? Does it prevent you from taking up a new hobby, or resuming an old one? Are you able to excersise? That kind of exhausting activity...something that eats up resources both mental and physical, can go a long ways towards helping you retraining your thought patterns, towards using up all that energy that used to be spent focusing on him.

 

Do you have any family/friends that can act as a support network for you in person? Folks that you can talk to, that you can spend time with to help you deal with all of this?

[Berkley]

Question...what are you actively doing to fill your time and your mind?

 

The best way to deal with this is to focus on something else as much as you can. I understand you have some medical issues...how much time does therapy take of that? Does it prevent you from taking up a new hobby, or resuming an old one? Are you able to excersise? That kind of exhausting activity...something that eats up resources both mental and physical, can go a long ways towards helping you retraining your thought patterns, towards using up all that energy that used to be spent focusing on him.

 

Do you have any family/friends that can act as a support network for you in person? Folks that you can talk to, that you can spend time with to help you deal with all of this?

 

 

There is no therapy or treatment for my condition. It was a spinal cord injury...the cord was crushed by a vertebrae in my neck and although they fixed the damage with fusions, pins and screws....the nerves were damaged beyond healing and are now degenerating. ( dying )

My old activities/hobbies are out, as all were too physical - skiing, dragon boat racing, horseback riding, skydiving - all could cause major injuries to me now.

I've always been very active and in good physical shape. I'm always outside. My job was a physical outdoor job....as is the one I start in the spring ( although not as physically demanding ).

Give that it is winter....I'm stuck inside more than I usually am. Still take my dog for hikes/walks regularly. I'm a live-in property manager so keep fairly busy with that. I'm purging my place/repainting, etc. I still do a lot of photography.

I'm not a couch potato that sits and watches soaps all day and eats bon bons.

That said...I'm fighting a horrible chronic sinus/ear infection right now which has limited my desire to do much of anything the past few weeks.

 

 

It doesn't much matter what I do or where I go....he is still always in my thoughts. We spent 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week together for three years. Losing a friendship like that is not easily forgotten.