My heart loves my husband but my body does not!!!

[Refusetobreak]

I am 25 Have been married for about 2 Yrs. Everything started off good, a few bumps in the road but nothing we could not work out. After we were married I was hurt deeply when I found out that he was messaging other women including some of his exes. Now the point is not that he was messaging them, its what they were talking about. Sexual conversations and even saying to them the same things he says to me. I found out that on my birthday he contacted one of his exes on Skype. ON MY BIRTHDAY! A lot has happened that has just broken my heart into pieces. I was a virgin when I met him and I waited so that I can find a man to love and cherrish me and so i would have everything that i can offer to give. I know that I should forgive him but im still hurt. I had to beg him to delete the women from everything. LIke when i say beg i am not kidding i begged for months and months literally BEGGED. I love my husband but i think that because he married me and buys me things and do good things when he is with me, it should make up for everything else. I have forgiven him but i can't stop everything from playing over and over again in my head. I feel like he is still up to no good. I have never cheated and I would just leave before i do, but because of how upset i am with what he has done to me, the sex is not how it used to be. I feel like im not enough for him because if i was he would not have done these things to me. I saved myself for a man who would love me above anything else and make me his only and i would do everything possible to make him happy but i feel like all that was done for nothing. I cry all the time. I dont want us to fall apart but sometimes i dont feel like he fears losing me. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like i keep walking into a brick wall. I dont feel speical to him anymore. I used to feel like he would never hurt me but now its always a thought. I dont want to feel this way because he really means everything to me. He lies to me all the time and i know and even when i tell him i know that truth, he keeps lying. I end up feeling like he thinks im an idiot. I dont know what to do. But he is a good man to me over looking all that. He remembers birthdays anniversaries and sends gifts just because. He cooks he cleans he knows what to say at the right time. Most of all i dont believe in divorce so i want to know how to make this work.

[d0nnivain]

Get him to marriage counseling. If he doesn't stop the sex talk with the other women divorce may be your only option.

[Eivuwan]

It troubles me to see that you have to beg him when he's the one who cheated. In most situations, it should be the husband who is begging for forgiveness while you kick him out of the house or pack your bags. Honestly, I don't think he would do anything for you unless there is a real risk of losing you. Because divorce is not an option for you, then what is there to keep him from acting selfish? Try talking to him about marriage counseling, but you're really just chaining yourself to a bad situation if divorce is not an option.

[Fluttershy]

Honey, I don't know why you don't believe in divorce but if it is religeon, you are okay because marital unfaithfulness is cause for divorce biblicaly. Some people take that to mean just sex but I see that as any abuse plus infidelity. And sexing up other women online is cheating. The fact he continues when he knows it bothers you this bad is abuse.

 

I know a woman whose husband shows a lot of signs of a narcissist. And he lives the ladies and she has cut a pice of herself off to stay with him and you can see the misery on her. Every so often the have a huge Obvious fall out and then they are back together. He says he will change but he never does. He never seeks help because "it is just the way I am" and he makes her feel like she is over reacting. Is that the life you want?

 

It may stay at dirty talk but that could become not enough and he is very easily on the path of a full physical affair? You can either wait for that to happen or put your foot down and say "no more". You matter. Don't let all the gifts in the world change your mind. I fidelity is important to you, it is important to you.

 

Im sorry.

[Eau Claire]

You can't make it work. It's over. Get out.

 

Thank goodness you found all of this out early in life. You don't mention children...thank heavens.

 

All the buts, buts...are just delaying the inevitable.

[Untouchable_Fire]

 

You can save this marriage, but not without him being willing to open up and be honest.

 

Marriage counseling would be well worth it.

 

It sounds like your H is just doing what's expected and hiding his feelings. I've been there and it makes you miserable. Eventually it becomes very easy to blame your spouse for everything and justify bad behavior. You cannot allow this situation to continue. I'm guessing he is minimizing the effect of this on you by thinking it wasn't serious. Find a way to get through to him. Move out if you have to.

[Eau Claire]

Ignore the above. Get out. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

[Refusetobreak]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thank you everyone for the advice. I know that you all are right and I might have to leave him especially because we don’t have children. But it is easier said than done. He does not think that we need counseling and that it would be a waste of time. We didn’t even have pre-marital counseling because he didn’t want to, or didn’t think anything was wrong with us even though I thought we needed it. And if I leave him what would I have to give to another man? Would another man want me? I can’t trust anymore, I don’t believe anything a man says. I’m no longer good for anyone else. But now that I have been with someone I don’t want to be alone. Just thinking about my situation confuses me. I don’t know where to start or where it ends.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Fluttershy]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Thank you everyone for the advice. I know that you all are right and I might have to leave him especially because we don’t have children. But it is easier said than done. He does not think that we need counseling and that it would be a waste of time. We didn’t even have pre-marital counseling because he didn’t want to, or didn’t think anything was wrong with us even though I thought we needed it. And if I leave him what would I have to give to another man? Would another man want me? I can’t trust anymore, I don’t believe anything a man says. I’m no longer good for anyone else. But now that I have been with someone I don’t want to be alone. Just thinking about my situation confuses me. I don’t know where to start or where it ends.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

Honey, you need to find yourself worth. Your POS husband has stolen so much from you. I do not knee jerk hand out this advice: you need to seek individual counseling. It doesn't sound like you have muc o a support system so I encourage you to find a good counsellor and get help finding yourself. Before divorce, before anything. Get help!

[pteromom]

I feel like im not enough for him because if i was he would not have done these things to me.

 

You are correct. You are not enough for him.

 

But what you have to realize is that it has nothing to do with you.

 

Something inside him is broken. The ability to create true intimacy with you. The ability to be faithful. The ability to be honest.

 

There is nothing YOU can do to turn him into the man you wish he was. The only way he will change is if he realizes that he is broken, decides to change, and puts the work into changing.

 

I saved myself for a man who would love me above anything else and make me his only and i would do everything possible to make him happy but i feel like all that was done for nothing.

 

It wasn't for nothing, but it will be a year or more after you leave him to see who you are due to going through this marriage.

 

I dont want us to fall apart but sometimes i dont feel like he fears losing me.

 

It's not that. It is that his compulsion to talk to exes and lie to you is stronger than his character. It is not something you have control over, and you cannot love him enough to change who he is.

 

He lies to me all the time and i know and even when i tell him i know that truth, he keeps lying. I end up feeling like he thinks im an idiot.

 

It has nothing to do with you. This is just who he is.

 

But he is a good man to me over looking all that. He remembers birthdays anniversaries and sends gifts just because. He cooks he cleans he knows what to say at the right time.

 

The bad outweighs the good. Gifts and chores do not make up for lying and cheating.

 

Most of all i dont believe in divorce so i want to know how to make this work.

 

How to make it work:

- realize that this is who he is and that it is outside your control

- understand that you can't trust anything he tells you

- understand that his lies and cheating has nothing to do with you or you not being enough

- protect your money, your body, and your heart to minimize the effect of the lies

- ignore the other women. Don't even look at his computer or phone.

- get regular STD tests. Actually, make him use condoms.

- never put yourself in a position where your happiness or success relies on him being honest

 

If you can do that, you may be OK. But settling for OK when there may be pure happiness out there waiting for you is pretty sad.

[nescafe1982]

I think Pteromom pretty much covered it, but I just wanted to throw in there that you cannot be with a man who expresses contempt for your basic emotional needs.

 

The marriage is over. He ended it. The divorce hasn't happened yet, but that doesn't change that the marriage is over. My opinion? You need to walk away from this one, whatever the cost... because your husband can kill your marriage, but what a waste if you also let him kill your spirit.

 

I can completely empathize with your qualms about divorce, but maybe it's worth talking about these issues with a religious figure you trust, in confidence (if religious convictions are the root of your qualms, that is.) Seek counsel and explore your options.

Edited January 15, 2014 by nescafe1982

[oldshirt]

. Most of all i dont believe in divorce .

 

 

 

This means one of two things - one is either that you have been brought up by some kind of extremist religious sect that subjugates women as chattel and a possession of their husbands no matter how badly they are treated. If you are a believer, do you really think that God would want you to be mistreated and used and cheated on and lied to as an ongoing lifestyle?

 

 

Or what you really mean by not believing in divorce is that you do not believe in frivolous divorce. ..... this is not frivolous.

[Quiet Storm]

You should leave. You don't have kids, he lies, he's sneaky, he's not considerate of your feelings. He's not a good guy for you. Get counseling to get stronger, and make a plan. Please don't have kids with him.

 

He has issues, and they aren't going to magically resolve themselves. He doesn't want to change. It would take honesty, introspection and counseling. He's not in the right frame of mind.

 

There are so many men that will love you better than him.

[soccerrprp]

...he is a good man....

No, he is not.

 

...(to me)over looking all that.

 

So, the only way he continues to be a "good" man is by you IGNORING his more serious NEGATIVE characteristics actions? This is why he is not a good man. You know a "good" man by being fully aware of him, his presence w/o having to compromise or dismiss reality to do so.

 

Your husband is ACTIVELY engaging in behavior that he KNOWS hurts you. The truth is, I'm afraid, that he was likely engaged in such behavior while the two of you were dating and engaged. He never thought to be completely faithful and his actions NOW reveal this.

 

You had to BEG him to stop. BEG. Another indication of disrespect and lack of consideration for your feelings and the relationship.

 

I agree with others. DIVORCE must be an option. You are young and have much more of life to look forward to. Don't waste it by staying in a relationship that robs you of hope, reciprocated love and happiness. A marriage, among other things, is a contract of fidelity, respect, commitment...he's consciously and unabashedly jeopardized the conditions of said contract to your detriment.

[newmoon]

you mentioned a few times that he treats you good because he buys you gifts and give you things. it seems, to me, that you're equating caring with receiving gifts and not his actual behavior(s). focus on how he is treating you and not what he is giving you to determine your worth to this man. you have options if you want to work it out, but you have to look at whether he is what you are wanting for yourself and your future. just because he was the first for you doesn't mean he'll be the only or the last.

[janedoe67]

OP, what your husband is doing is cheating. At the very least, they were emotional affairs. And you had to beg him to stop?

 

When a person betrays their vows this way, the ONLY acceptable response when confronted is remorse, repentance, and doing whatever it takes to make amends and restore trust. I don't believe in the lifetime mea culpa punish thing....but this is a man who has not even owned his actions. He has actively, recently betrayed the woman he is married to...repeatedly.

 

I would set the bar EXTREMELY high for him to have the privilege of remaining married to you. Complete transparency, monitoring software on the computer, and real, tangible remorse.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Get out now.

[The Peanut Gallery]

So here is an interesting parallel. Let me know what you think of this.

 

My sister had a baby when she was too young. The child grew up with the help of myself, my mother, and the father, but my sister had very little to do with his early development.

 

My sister struggles with addiction to different drugs, and alcohol. She was unwilling to give these addictions up, or seek help to do so, even when her son needed her most.

 

Today, my sister buys him gifts. She spoils him with lavish trips to Disney Land, all the latest gadgets a boy could ever want, and visits him on most weekends. She brings him baking she has made, and even makes him clothes from time to time - she thinks she is a great mother!

 

She still drinks, and sometimes she is either too high or too drunk to meet her son on the weekend. She also texts him messages about his birth father, slandering his character to their own son! When she is drunk, or high, she may even say things or do things that ends up making her son feel like he is no good.

 

He is getting hurt by her every day, because she will not give up an addiction for her own son! He is growing up without the love every child needs from his own mother!

 

Do you think there is ANYTHING he can do to change her? He has begged her to change.... she will not change!

 

Do you see the parallel?

 

As it sounds, you have done nothing wrong, but you can't do anything to make your husband a better person. He has shown you that he will not give up, or does not want to try to give up, his "addiction".

 

That is not your fault. Although he will always be a part of your life, you are not a child, and you DO have the power to move past this, if you choose! You are not broken!

[The Peanut Gallery]

You missed the point! Your questions do pry, it is non of your business, and this thread is not about my sister! Haha!

 

What I am trying to say is that she has an addiction that she will not give up, even though it is hurting an innocent party in her life. This whole thread is about a man who will not give up his habit, or addiction if you will, even though it is hurting and innocent party in his life.

 

If you want intimate details about my sister's life, tough luck! This thread is not about her, I was just trying to draw a parallel that Refusetobreak would be able to read, in horror, and realize that her husband has done the same thing to her, in principle.

 

Refusetobreak - I hope you read all that, and thought to yourself, "They are right! It is NOT my fault! I am NOT broken! I CAN change my life for the better, but I can not change him!" I hope you are able to find your happiness!

[CaliGuy]

You missed the point! Your questions do pry, it is non of your business, and this thread is not about my sister! Haha!

 

What I am trying to say is that she has an addiction that she will not give up, even though it is hurting an innocent party in her life. This whole thread is about a man who will not give up his habit, or addiction if you will, even though it is hurting and innocent party in his life.

 

If you want intimate details about my sister's life, tough luck! This thread is not about her, I was just trying to draw a parallel that Refusetobreak would be able to read, in horror, and realize that her husband has done the same thing to her, in principle.

 

Refusetobreak - I hope you read all that, and thought to yourself, "They are right! It is NOT my fault! I am NOT broken! I CAN change my life for the better, but I can not change him!" I hope you are able to find your happiness!

 

Agree!

 

Also, Refusetobreak, he is cheating. Plain and simple. The way you control this is simply to stop having sex with him and maybe move out for a couple of days. If he understands his actions will cause him to lose you for good, that may be the catalyst that makes him retrain his mind to focus on you.

 

Many men (and women) have problems with sex addiction. Heck, I have had it myself as well (not hard when you are in a band and women are throwing themselves at you). However, when I became focused on Christ -- and I have never claimed to be perfect -- I put my thoughts on the one I was with and ONLY that woman. The desire is always there (think "Energizer Bunny") but we control how we handle it and he is refusing to get control of it.

 

As long as he cannot put his focus on YOU, YOUR WANTS and YOUR NEEDS, he will only focus on himself. And to me, that is exactly what he is doing. Being selfish. My personal opinion is that you need to take some time away from him and your relationship so that he sees what his action is causing.

 

He will either change drastically ... or not. Either way you will find your answer. But I would say stop having sex with him, show him that if he isn't 100% focused on you then he will have NONE of you.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't think you have truly forgiven him, or else you wouldn't continue to be letting this bother you. My ex boyfriend did the same exact thing to me, contacted women on the internet and flirted with them, told him they were gorgeous, had sexual conversations. When I found out and confronted him he turned it around on ME and said I pressured him to move in together!!! I was an idiot then (only 21) and forgave him because he said how much he loved me, blah, blah, blah. Fast forward a month, he kept on lying, and I couldn't take it anymore so I broke up with him over the phone so he couldn't sweet talk me out of it. Best thing I ever did.

 

 

I don't think your husband is going to change unfortunately. There are a lot of good, decent, faithful guys out there. You deserve better.