Hurt and sad Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 My husband of 14 yrs asked for a divorce about a week ago. I am so hurt, sad, confused, and just devastated! He was my first love and I am still passionately in love with him! We have 2 small children and I don't want this. He's being very helpful in the process as far as financially supporting me and getting me and the kids a house but it goes back to the fact that I miss him so much. We got married soon after I graduated high school and neither of us ever dated prior to each other. I'm scared to face the world without him. We are in the state of Virginia so we are required to be separated for a year. We want to work on things to attempt putting our family back together and I'm hoping it does work in our favor. Maybe someone has knowledge as to what is/isn't allowed during a separation in out state? We have an 8 day cruise planned for mid June and we both want to go but my husband fears that it will compromise our separation period if he goes. Our kids really look forward to our annual cruise and they are going through so much already. I think it will be good for us as far as giving us time to be together to rediscover our love and time for the kids to feel happiness about something. This is so hard for me! My emotions are running wild and my mind is so scrambled! I don't know which way to turn. I've never been on my own before let alone alone with two kids. What do I do to accept this reality without getting my hopes up too much? And how do I accept it for now and move forward while we try to reconcile? I'm desperate to find relief from this heartache and pain while being strong for the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 . We are in the state of Virginia so we are required to be separated for a year. We want to work on things to attempt putting our family back together and I'm hoping it does work in our favor. We have an 8 day cruise planned for mid June and we both want to go but my husband fears that it will compromise our separation period if he goes. And how do I accept it for now and move forward while we try to reconcile? . You are giving some conflicting information here. Do you want to divorce or do you want to reconcile and have a happy, healthy marriage and be together??? You have a limited amount of time, energy and money which means that you either devote them to reconciliation or you devote them to divorcing. You make it sound like you are trying to work on both at the same time. If you reasonably believe you are better off married and want to stay married then you work towards marriage. If you want to divorce an think that is best then you work towards divorce. You can't put work into separation/divorce and hope for reconciliation. You also can't hope for divorce and put work into togetherness and harmony. I get the felling you do not want this divorce (or you at least fear it) so why are you worried that the cruise may screw up the separation? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 Why does your husband want the divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hurt and sad Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I definitely DONT want this separation or divorce! I want our marriage to be improved and I want to live a lifelong marriage of happiness with my husband! I have never desired anything other than that. My husband asked for it and for quite a while I've opposed the idea of living apart just because I thought it was a horrible idea and because of the fears that go along with being alone. Of course it didn't change his ideas and now it's a process in action. I came to a realization with the help of my councilor that if I gave it time that things might work out and fall into place once we both clear our heads and have time to think things through. So I want nothing more than to fix this marriage and get our family back together. I love this man with every part of my being! I have never been victim of abuse and we have both been faithful. My husband says he just doesn't love me and never has. He says our marriage was one of convenience and that he's done pretending. I can't say that I can read his mind BUT I am almost certain that this man loves me. He can't pretend to feel the way that he has expressed the love for me throughout our marriage. He has health problems and mountains of stress dealing with his career and future and he doesn't handle stress well. He tends to think its something that will just go away and I feel that he is at a breaking point. He needs time to clear his head and realize what He's giving up. It's just hard for me to be in the same house for now but not have him in the bed with me. As far as the cruise, we both want to go but like I said earlier my husband doesn't feel that it would be allowed ( for a lack of a better term) since he initiated the separation and our state doesn't forbid it specifically but there are restrictions on things that we can/can't do to keep the separation legit. If we for instance have sex our separation is void and must restart. I think it's ridiculous because the purpose of the separation is to cause delay with hopes of avoiding divorce and these types of thing help with reconnection But that's my opinion. What he told me was that if in a couple months we are still doing well and getting along we can go and use it as time to reconnect. We are getting along well and always have. He still hugs and kisses me and we talk and eat together and take the kids out places. The only change at this moment is that he's sleeping in a separate bedroom and using a separate bathroom. It may not be much but it's a huge change from our routine the last 14 yrs. One of us will be moving out soon but I was hoping he would change his mind before that happen. At this point it doesn't look like that decision will come anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
strive Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Oh darling I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a very painful and confusing experience and a shock to the senses I'm sure when you first heard the word divorce. I'm on the same boat as you. First love, together for 11 years and one child. I know how scary the thought of going through life alone for the first time is. It's especially painful to hear them say that they never loved you all along. Your husband said you were together out of convenience, my ex said it was because of guilt. That is like a knife to the heart. First thing you need to do asap is the 180 here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/314882-180 If you're husband is willing to try, then there is still a chance. Don't lose hope, but also don't expect too much because it could also end very badly. Being alone for the very first time is scary, but know that you are strong enough to go through it. You're a mother and mothers have more strength than they know especially when it comes to protecting and providing for their children. Don't be afraid. I've come out of the other end considerably well, not completely healed but definitely getting there. I'm 100% sure you will too. There are people here who will give you sound advice or at the very least you will have ears that are willing to listen. Your doubts and fears, post them all here. We're here for you. *hugs* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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