Why am I so insecure and envious?

[isabellemarss]

I'm 18. I have friends who are getting popular and meeting cool people, attract a lot of boys, etc. They're my good friends but I'm frustrated because they're becoming what I want to be and I'm not. I'm friendly, outgoing, well-dressed, smart, not ugly lol, and people who know me like me, but that's really not enough for me. Lately I've been trying to put myself out there more because it's impossible for me to be effortlessly popular. But then at times my self-esteem hits rock bottom when I realize that my friend is prettier, liked more, can afford to do cooler stuff, and I'll never be popular and I don't have as much potential at all as I think I do. And it gets REALLY bad, it's EATING ME UP. What's wrong with me? I don't know how long I can keep up looking happy and confident in front of everyone all the time, because I feel like combusting sometimes and when I get home I feel terrible. By the way, none of that "popularity doesn't matter, inner beauty counts" goody two shoes crap please.

[d0nnivain]

Stop being jealous & start seeing what you can learn from them. How do they act? How do they dress? What are they doing that you aren't? Can you change any of your behaviors (& do you want to)?

 

 

Growing up all my friends were hot blondes who all drove muscle cars . . . every teenaged boys dream. I was a studious, quiet, shy brunette who when I got to drive it was my mom's sedan. Half the time I was invisible to most boys. As I grew up & my circles widened I met men who were interested in brainy brunettes rather than hot blondes. By then the blondes had taught me how tor flirt, how to dress & how to get rid of unwanted guys.

 

 

Some of what the blondes did didn't interest me. Their outfits were a bit too risqué for my tastes but they helped me loosen up to a point where I was comfortable. Sometimes I'd let them do my hair; usually it was in a style that was way wilder than my taste but nothing a shampoo wouldn't fix.

[nescafe1982]

Are you still in high school? I'm not mocking you... I really want to know.

 

At any rate, being the "popular girl" seems so important when one is in school, but seriously, the second you graduate, it matters not at all.

 

You're 18. I recall being deeply insecure when I was 18. I stayed deeply insecure until I hit 30. It sucked.

 

I guess I'm telling you this because I want you to really understand that insecurity is absolutely normal for a woman your age. It's common... and I bet even the most pretty, popular woman you know is deeply insecure about the very things that make her pretty and popular.

 

I'm not going to try to sell you that "beauty is on the inside" crap, as you say... but I will tell you that focusing entirely on 1) your "outside" beauty and 2) things entirely out of your control (e.g. whether you're "popular" and whether people like you) will only make you deeply, deeply unhappy.

 

There are things within your power to control. Then there is everything else. Focus on the former, not the latter.

 

The best way to build self-esteem is to do "esteemable" things. Make some cool projects for yourself. Set some goals. Meet them. Do good things for others. Instead of focusing on you and your (entirely uncontrollable) woes, do something that helps other people.

 

Being 18 can be awesome. You have more free time now than you will ever have later in life. Volunteer. Seriously, get your butt out of the mirror, find a cause you can get on board with, and volunteer. I chose raising relief for the homeless. I've also done those "walk for breast cancer" events, and they are inspiring.

 

Is social justice not your thing? How about a hobby? A theater group, a writing club, a social club, etc. Even if you're not in school, you can easily find these around the community... and very often membership is free.

 

Because staying idle and judging yourself purely on the basis of stuff you have no power/control over is just going to make you miserable. And chances are, you're not being fair to yourself to begin with.

[potsticker]

then you meet the one guy who somehow feels even though you think you're 100% inferior to your friend, that you are superior to your friend on all those accounts ... and then you doubt yourself because of the insecurity and fumble

 

Don't do that to yourself. If there's something you want to and can change, do it. If there's something that you want to but can't change, accept it. If there's something you don't want to and can't change, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Become someone you like and respect, so that when there's a guy who likes you, you'll both like yourself for the same reasons (although realistically, i suppose, there'd still be things about yourself you might like and he dislikes or vice versa, but that's after the initiation of the relationship, meaning it'd be a problem for you both to solve, related to communication and compatibility, not you alone)

[SushiX]

There's always going to be someone smarter, prettier, and more popular than you. And none of this matters once you're older. Have fun when you're still young!

[Haydn]

Be yourself, dont be a sheep. You have your own qualities and strengths. Enjoy being 18. I crash into 32 next week, goes past in the blink of an eye or retro trainers.

 

 

I'm 18. I have friends who are getting popular and meeting cool people, attract a lot of boys, etc. They're my good friends but I'm frustrated because they're becoming what I want to be and I'm not. I'm friendly, outgoing, well-dressed, smart, not ugly lol, and people who know me like me, but that's really not enough for me. Lately I've been trying to put myself out there more because it's impossible for me to be effortlessly popular. But then at times my self-esteem hits rock bottom when I realize that my friend is prettier, liked more, can afford to do cooler stuff, and I'll never be popular and I don't have as much potential at all as I think I do. And it gets REALLY bad, it's EATING ME UP. What's wrong with me? I don't know how long I can keep up looking happy and confident in front of everyone all the time, because I feel like combusting sometimes and when I get home I feel terrible. By the way, none of that "popularity doesn't matter, inner beauty counts" goody two shoes crap please.

[isabellemarss]

Are you still in high school? I'm not mocking you... I really want to know.

 

At any rate, being the "popular girl" seems so important when one is in school, but seriously, the second you graduate, it matters not at all.

 

You're 18. I recall being deeply insecure when I was 18. I stayed deeply insecure until I hit 30. It sucked.

 

I guess I'm telling you this because I want you to really understand that insecurity is absolutely normal for a woman your age. It's common... and I bet even the most pretty, popular woman you know is deeply insecure about the very things that make her pretty and popular.

 

I'm not going to try to sell you that "beauty is on the inside" crap, as you say... but I will tell you that focusing entirely on 1) your "outside" beauty and 2) things entirely out of your control (e.g. whether you're "popular" and whether people like you) will only make you deeply, deeply unhappy.

 

There are things within your power to control. Then there is everything else. Focus on the former, not the latter.

 

The best way to build self-esteem is to do "esteemable" things. Make some cool projects for yourself. Set some goals. Meet them. Do good things for others. Instead of focusing on you and your (entirely uncontrollable) woes, do something that helps other people.

 

Being 18 can be awesome. You have more free time now than you will ever have later in life. Volunteer. Seriously, get your butt out of the mirror, find a cause you can get on board with, and volunteer. I chose raising relief for the homeless. I've also done those "walk for breast cancer" events, and they are inspiring.

 

Is social justice not your thing? How about a hobby? A theater group, a writing club, a social club, etc. Even if you're not in school, you can easily find these around the community... and very often membership is free.

 

Because staying idle and judging yourself purely on the basis of stuff you have no power/control over is just going to make you miserable. And chances are, you're not being fair to yourself to begin with.

 

I just started my first year of college.