"Just talk" vs. real threats?

[ladybug1984]

Without repeating any of the lengthy history of my situation, I will say that I am NOT currently in C with a former BF (5+ months of NC). He never physically abused me in the recent relationship, but did many, many years ago before we reconnected. He did show a lot of signs of a potential abuser and also of BPD, even though he doesn't have a diagnosis (that I know of). ANYWAYS..............after distancing myself, I continue to remember little things that I didn't pick up on while we were in constant contact. He told me once when discussing an old BF that if he ever saw him on the street, he would kill him! At the time, I just thought it was talk and him being jealous, but now I truly wonder if he WOULD do something (and maybe not kill him, but really be violent). Do 'normal' people say stuff like that? He is an almost 40-year old man, not a teenager. I have been frustrated with people - VERY frustrated - and never said that. I have also had a fair number of BF's and none of them, even in the most heated situations never said anything like that. Can a statement like that truly be something a 'normal' person would say when angry or is it pretty much another clear-cut sign that he is inching further away from 'potential abuser' on my checklist to full-fledged 'abuser'??

 

 

Also, I will point out, I have no plans to go back into C with him, just processing things as they come up in terms of things I didn't see earlier that are finally coming to light. It truly is helping me move on to think this through and hear what others say.

[Hopeful714]

No, this is not normal.

 

I don't say these things, you don't say these things. All of the people I know don't say those things.

 

But, my ex said things like that. He even went as far as to say he'd kill someone's family. I would roll my eyes and think how immature. Now, I realize how sick he really is.

 

Not normal.

[ladybug1984]

No, this is not normal.

 

I don't say these things, you don't say these things. All of the people I know don't say those things.

 

But, my ex said things like that. He even went as far as to say he'd kill someone's family. I would roll my eyes and think how immature. Now, I realize how sick he really is.

 

Not normal.

 

 

 

 

 

I thought this was probably the case.............I had hoped to hear from more than people (not that your opinion isn't valuable, Hopeful). If I had ten people tell me it truly wasn't normal, I think it would provide 'proof' that it really isn't. Maybe the people you and I have met have never said anything like that, but maybe we just haven't been around more people that do and it really isn't that unusual??? I know I am over-analyzing. Just trying to get more "ammunition" so I won't respond if he calls.

[Woogie]

I've heard things like this come out of peoples mouths when I was younger. The problem was always the same, poor self esteem and social skills.

The story is different, now-a-days, nobody talks like that within my social circle.

I say it's something they would have to identify as unacceptable behavior and work out their aggression in another way.

[Confuddled1983]

I have to confess it's something I have said although it wasn't meant it was a "knee jerk" reaction. I just had a telephone call from my mum - she told me she was in hospital having been beaten up (this was last year, my mum is in her 50s) she told me she'd been kicked in the head whilst on the floor and who done it - my reaction was "I'll effing kill her!".

 

The pure rage, shock ... everything, at that moment maybe I did wish I could. When someone hurts someone you love so dearly in such a nasty vicious way .... I don't know.

I know it's not something I could or would do, I just felt like I wish I could if that makes sense?

 

Why did he say he wanted to kill your ex BF? What were you discussing at the time? See IMO if your ex BF beat you, abused you, raped you then it's possible he just felt so angry about someone he loved being hurt that he said it?

 

Is it "normal"? I don't know. I think it can be a normal reaction to hearing someone you love has been badly hurt - maybe it's just me, I just know that I am extremely protective of those I love and when people I love are hurting it makes me want the people who've made them to hurt too.

 

I don't think it's just a "normal" thing to say though just because someone slightly annoys you, or because you're jealous or whatever ...

[ladybug1984]

Thanks, friends. It wasn't anything horrible that the ex did, I just mentioned he really had upset me at times to the point I would just cry. That's what prompted my guy to say if he 'EVER' saw him on the street, he would kill him............honestly, the ex didn't do anything that horrible. I have heard him really, really get mad if somebody did something in a store, restaurant, parking lot....to the point where I would have just been aggravated and let it go, but he truly got ANGRY (never said he would kill those people, but did cuss, yell, and really get angry about whatever the transgression was). I am sadly seeing that he truly had a temper that I don't think was normal.

[Hopeful714]

I have heard him really, really get mad if somebody did something in a store, restaurant, parking lot....

Ok this is another red flag. How he treats random others. It's an anger issue and/or rage. It's not good. I don't think you really want to be or live with someone who flips out like that.

 

My ex would display road rage and one time said he was going to "kill" the cashier at Shell because he was carded buying cigarettes. He took it as an insult. lol..really? Most likely emotional immaturity as the above poster stated.

 

Just keep staying NC and healing. I know in your other post you said "you loved him" but love doesn't and won't hurt you. People who "love" you in a healthy way don't act like this.

 

I really feel for you as I was right where you are. It was sooooo awful. But you will make it. Do something nice for yourself to lift your self esteem this week!

[ladybug1984]

I have heard him really, really get mad if somebody did something in a store, restaurant, parking lot....

Ok this is another red flag. How he treats random others. It's an anger issue and/or rage. It's not good. I don't think you really want to be or live with someone who flips out like that.

 

My ex would display road rage and one time said he was going to "kill" the cashier at Shell because he was carded buying cigarettes. He took it as an insult. lol..really? Most likely emotional immaturity as the above poster stated.

 

Just keep staying NC and healing. I know in your other post you said "you loved him" but love doesn't and won't hurt you. People who "love" you in a healthy way don't act like this.

 

I really feel for you as I was right where you are. It was sooooo awful. But you will make it. Do something nice for yourself to lift your self esteem this week!

 

 

 

 

AWWWW, Hopeful, thank you for being so kind. YES, in my heart I KNOW all of these things, but seeing it here makes it more REAL and it truly opens my eyes to the fact that it isn't just a 'feeling' I have, but the concerns are truly legitimate. YES, I know staying NC is the way to go. It's hard, but I KNOW it's what I need to do. You are so right......LOVE doesn't hurt. I will have to remember that.

 

 

Did I mention that he told me his ex-W got mad at him for throwing and breaking stuff all of the time? He didn't think anything about telling me what all he had done, just made it sound like something that anybody might do. He said she was CRAZY all of the time, and when I asked why, he said because she freaked out when he would throw stuff and punch the walls. Sounds like he truly thinks that IS the norm! He also told me that his ex-W called the police on him a few times, but that nothing ever came of it because it was just her being a drama queen. Now I wonder. The reason he told me all of that was because I asked him if he had ever been arrested and he said he wanted to be honest with me. Don't know that that 'confession' made what he did any less bad, but I guess it made him feel better to tell me about it and not cover it up.