It's a relief to be the dumpee

[Kevin_D]

Today, I'm actually feeling quite relieved that I was dumped. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like hell and I dream about her every night.

 

But you know what they say, that you've got love yourself before you can have a successful relationship. And even though I'm hurting, I can still love myself. I tried to be a good guy, I tried to talk to her every time she seemed down. When she dumped me, I asked her if we wouldn't work on the relationship. When she said no, I respected her decision and haven't initiated contact with her since. I haven't called her in the middle of the night and I haven't insulted her. I just gave her my perspective and then let her walk out of my life.

 

Whenever I miss the good times, I can always tell myself: "She dumped me. She made me believe that the things we shared meant everything to her, and yet she had no problem throwing it all away without a warning."

 

There's peace in my mind. I have no regrets. Sure, I could have handled some things differently, but that's just a part of a great learning experience.

 

But as a dumper, you may always wonder if you made the right decision. You went behind the back on the one you claimed to love the most. You decided to throw away everything that you built together, not because you were unhappy, but because you thought you could do better.

 

I don't want to be that greedy person. And I don't want to be together with that person. I'm proud that I don't replace my partner or my friends. I don't have any regrets, because I did all I could to make it work. And I did my best to make my ex happy. There's peace in my mind now.

 

But she will most likely wake up one day and wonder if she did the right thing. She will most likely hate herself for going behind my back and telling me things that weren't true. These memories will possibly haunt her for as long as she lives.

 

So I realise now, that being the dumpee is really the better of two evils.

[CelticGibson]

If you really want to be relieved that you were the dumpee, then get to the stage where it doesn't matter what she thinks or what she will think at some stage about your breakup. When you reach the stage of indifference, then you can rejoice and move forward with someone who wants you in their life.

[LadyM]

Sure doesn't feel like the better of two evils to me.

[singme2sleep]

This is a great attitude to have, good for you. I need to start telling myself this and I do agree that in the end it's better to be the dumpee. I did all I could to make my ex happy too, but he still left. As dumpees we can say we gace it our all and weren't the ones who gave up on the person who loved us. Stay strong!

[singme2sleep]

If you really want to be relieved that you were the dumpee, then get to the stage where it doesn't matter what she thinks or what she will think at some stage about your breakup. When you reach the stage of indifference, then you can rejoice and move forward with someone who wants you in their life.

 

He's getting there....this is a step in that direction.

[CelticGibson]

"He's getting there....this is a step in that direction."

 

Of course he is. I am not knocking it at all. My message was more a cautious one....

 

Until he is indifferent, there's always a risk...

[LostConfused123]

Today, I'm actually feeling quite relieved that I was dumped. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like hell and I dream about her every night.

 

But you know what they say, that you've got love yourself before you can have a successful relationship. And even though I'm hurting, I can still love myself. I tried to be a good guy, I tried to talk to her every time she seemed down. When she dumped me, I asked her if we wouldn't work on the relationship. When she said no, I respected her decision and haven't initiated contact with her since. I haven't called her in the middle of the night and I haven't insulted her. I just gave her my perspective and then let her walk out of my life.

 

Whenever I miss the good times, I can always tell myself: "She dumped me. She made me believe that the things we shared meant everything to her, and yet she had no problem throwing it all away without a warning."

 

There's peace in my mind. I have no regrets. Sure, I could have handled some things differently, but that's just a part of a great learning experience.

 

But as a dumper, you may always wonder if you made the right decision. You went behind the back on the one you claimed to love the most. You decided to throw away everything that you built together, not because you were unhappy, but because you thought you could do better.

 

I don't want to be that greedy person. And I don't want to be together with that person. I'm proud that I don't replace my partner or my friends. I don't have any regrets, because I did all I could to make it work. And I did my best to make my ex happy. There's peace in my mind now.

 

But she will most likely wake up one day and wonder if she did the right thing. She will most likely hate herself for going behind my back and telling me things that weren't true. These memories will possibly haunt her for as long as she lives.

 

So I realise now, that being the dumpee is really the better of two evils.

That's so weird!! I was just thinking about this today.

 

I can carry on with no regrets. I gave 100 percent. I never have to look back and think "what if"

The pain of being the dumpee is excruciating but I also know I will overcome it and come out a stronger and better woman.

 

So yeah in the beginning I think being the dumpee is worse but in the long run I think I will be relieved. . . . I HOPE!!!

 

Good luck to everyone in their recovery!

 

We WILL move on to better things and be with someone that would NEVER let us go

[Xemyd]

Today, I'm actually feeling quite relieved that I was dumped. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like hell and I dream about her every night.

 

But you know what they say, that you've got love yourself before you can have a successful relationship. And even though I'm hurting, I can still love myself. I tried to be a good guy, I tried to talk to her every time she seemed down. When she dumped me, I asked her if we wouldn't work on the relationship. When she said no, I respected her decision and haven't initiated contact with her since. I haven't called her in the middle of the night and I haven't insulted her. I just gave her my perspective and then let her walk out of my life.

 

Whenever I miss the good times, I can always tell myself: "She dumped me. She made me believe that the things we shared meant everything to her, and yet she had no problem throwing it all away without a warning."

 

There's peace in my mind. I have no regrets. Sure, I could have handled some things differently, but that's just a part of a great learning experience.

 

But as a dumper, you may always wonder if you made the right decision. You went behind the back on the one you claimed to love the most. You decided to throw away everything that you built together, not because you were unhappy, but because you thought you could do better.

 

I don't want to be that greedy person. And I don't want to be together with that person. I'm proud that I don't replace my partner or my friends. I don't have any regrets, because I did all I could to make it work. And I did my best to make my ex happy. There's peace in my mind now.

 

But she will most likely wake up one day and wonder if she did the right thing. She will most likely hate herself for going behind my back and telling me things that weren't true. These memories will possibly haunt her for as long as she lives.

 

So I realise now, that being the dumpee is really the better of two evils.

 

I really love you for this. Such a good way to look at it. Thank you

[pickflicker]

Sure doesn't feel like the better of two evils to me.

 

That's because it's not. Dumping someone is definitely the lesser of two evils.

[Kevin_D]

If you really want to be relieved that you were the dumpee, then get to the stage where it doesn't matter what she thinks or what she will think at some stage about your breakup. When you reach the stage of indifference, then you can rejoice and move forward with someone who wants you in their life.

 

I know what you mean and I'm not there yet. But I'm working hard.

 

But this thread is more about dealing with the feeling of rejection. As a dumper, it's easy to consider yourself the loser:

 

- Your ex can do fine without you while you don't want to live anymore

- Your ex had several guys/girls waiting in line while you feel all alone

 

Sometimes there are good reasons to leave your partner. There may be abuse or cheating... or it's obvious that you don't really like each other and just stay together because it's better than being alone.

 

But when the reasons are "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you", it's really just a way to escape. It's like joining the army, enjoying all the benefits, just to chicken out when the war starts. And the dumpees have to fight the war on their own. There nothing cool about that.

 

These dumpers are afraid. They are so god damn afraid that they will realise that they are not perfect. So they blame their partner for their unhappiness and escape.

 

And yes, I realise that some people, "never look back" once they've made up their mind. In my opinion this is narcissistic and very childish, and once again, that's not a person I would like to be.

 

I'd rather be the dumpee who can get to sleep at night, knowing that I did everything I could to save something that took many years to create.

[Eau Claire]

Today, I'm actually feeling quite relieved that I was dumped. Don't get me wrong, I miss her like hell and I dream about her every night.

 

But you know what they say, that you've got love yourself before you can have a successful relationship. And even though I'm hurting, I can still love myself. I tried to be a good guy, I tried to talk to her every time she seemed down. When she dumped me, I asked her if we wouldn't work on the relationship. When she said no, I respected her decision and haven't initiated contact with her since. I haven't called her in the middle of the night and I haven't insulted her. I just gave her my perspective and then let her walk out of my life.

 

Whenever I miss the good times, I can always tell myself: "She dumped me. She made me believe that the things we shared meant everything to her, and yet she had no problem throwing it all away without a warning."

 

There's peace in my mind. I have no regrets. Sure, I could have handled some things differently, but that's just a part of a great learning experience.

 

But as a dumper, you may always wonder if you made the right decision. You went behind the back on the one you claimed to love the most. You decided to throw away everything that you built together, not because you were unhappy, but because you thought you could do better.

 

I don't want to be that greedy person. And I don't want to be together with that person. I'm proud that I don't replace my partner or my friends. I don't have any regrets, because I did all I could to make it work. And I did my best to make my ex happy. There's peace in my mind now.

 

But she will most likely wake up one day and wonder if she did the right thing. She will most likely hate herself for going behind my back and telling me things that weren't true. These memories will possibly haunt her for as long as she lives.

 

So I realise now, that being the dumpee is really the better of two evils.

 

Your last bit is somewhat immature. Bitterness makes what you wrote above more or less self denial. You are trying to regain your self esteem. Self esteem is not achieved by hoping she will 'hate herself '.

[LadyM]

That's because it's not. Dumping someone is definitely the lesser of two evils.

 

It's looking like it's just me and you thinking that way, pick.

[Kevin_D]

Your last bit is somewhat immature. Bitterness makes what you wrote above more or less self denial. You are trying to regain your self esteem. Self esteem is not achieved by hoping she will 'hate herself '.

 

Huh? I said that I'm proud over myself because how I've handled the situation. I would hate myself I tried to avoid trouble by running away. That's why I'd rather be the dumpee than the dumper. This not about her, this about me... and everyone else that feels the same way.

 

I'm perfectly aware that there are a lot narcissists out there that unable to see their own faults, but again, that's not what the thread is about. The thread is about who I want to be. And I don't want to be a man who runs away and "always looks forwards", because history is the building blocks of who I am today. And I want to know myself and I want to be proud of myself. Which I am.

[pickflicker]

It's looking like it's just me and you thinking that way, pick.

 

It's ok, hun. You've got to dump someone, before knowing what it feels like.

[singme2sleep]

These dumpers are afraid. They are so god damn afraid that they will realise that they are not perfect. So they blame their partner for their unhappiness and escape.

 

And yes, I realise that some people, "never look back" once they've made up their mind. In my opinion this is narcissistic and very childish, and once again, that's not a person I would like to be.

 

I'd rather be the dumpee who can get to sleep at night, knowing that I did everything I could to save something that took many years to create.

 

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[singme2sleep]

It's ok, hun. You've got to dump someone, before knowing what it feels like.

 

So you're saying when you were a dumper you never had any regrets and just went on your merry way?!

[pickflicker]

So you're saying when you were a dumper you never had any regrets and just went on your merry way?!

 

Yes. Because if I was going to have regrets, I wouldn't have dumped them.

 

I only pulled the trigger when I was absolutely sure. I didn't like hurting the other person, but in every case, it was short term pain, for long term again. They were better off. I was better off.

 

If I thought I would regret the decision, I would never have done it. I feel the same way about all my decisions - hence, I don't regret a single thing I have done. Not one.

[singme2sleep]

Your last bit is somewhat immature. Bitterness makes what you wrote above more or less self denial. You are trying to regain your self esteem. Self esteem is not achieved by hoping she will 'hate herself '.

 

He's not saying he hopes she hates herself one day, that's not what this is about. We're all entitled to our own opinions and I get that everyone had the right to express theirs on this forum but this man is taking a painful situation and trying to look at it in a new way that will help him heal...so I just don't see the need for some of you to criticize him. I think he is right with this fresh perspective.

[singme2sleep]

Yes. Because if I was going to have regrets, I wouldn't have dumped them.

 

I only pulled the trigger when I was absolutely sure. I didn't like hurting the other person, but in every case, it was short term pain, for long term again. They were better off. I was better off.

 

If I thought I would regret the decision, I would never have done it. I feel the same way about all my decisions - hence, I don't regret a single thing I have done. Not one.

 

Well good for you then. Congrats.

[somedude81]

I would much rather be the dumper than the dumpee.

 

Frankly if I could control it, I'd prefer never to be dumped again.

 

It's a horrible experience and the dumper is almost always better equipped to deal with the end of the relationship than the dumpee.

[pickflicker]

Well good for you then. Congrats.

 

No need to be pissy. Anyone can achieve it. Know yourself, know what you want, have a good support system, and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

 

I've fallen countless times, and I've gotten back up and kept on going. I have things that other people probably would regret, if it formed part of their history. But all of those faults make me the person I am now, which is someone who can weather the worst possible storms and survive.

 

I get annoyed when dumping someone is considered some kind of unforgivable sin on here. It's not murder. It's not paedophilia. It's not even cheating. And yet, we treat it like it's the worst thing in the world. Like we shouldn't be able to 'sleep at night'. Bollocks.

 

No wonder so many idiots stay in relationships that are bad for them. Society has conditioned us to think a crappy relationship, with someone who is lukewarm about us, is better than nothing.

[somedude81]

No need to be pissy. Anyone can achieve it. Know yourself, know what you want, have a good support system, and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

 

I've fallen countless times, and I've gotten back up and kept on going. I have things that other people probably would regret, if it formed part of their history. But all of those faults make me the person I am now, which is someone who can weather the worst possible storms and survive.

 

I get annoyed when dumping someone is considered some kind of unforgivable sin on here. It's not murder. It's not paedophilia. It's not even cheating. And yet, we treat it like it's the worst thing in the world. Like we shouldn't be able to 'sleep at night'. Bollocks.

 

No wonder so many idiots stay in relationships that are bad for them. Society has conditioned us to think a crappy relationship, with someone who is lukewarm about us, is better than nothing.

Dumping somebody can cause them excruciating pain.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to dump somebody. But you better have a damn good reason.

 

I'd also say that a real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious.

[singme2sleep]

No need to be pissy. Anyone can achieve it. Know yourself, know what you want, have a good support system, and don't be afraid to make mistakes.

 

I've fallen countless times, and I've gotten back up and kept on going. I have things that other people probably would regret, if it formed part of their history. But all of those faults make me the person I am now, which is someone who can weather the worst possible storms and survive.

 

I get annoyed when dumping someone is considered some kind of unforgivable sin on here. It's not murder. It's not paedophilia. It's not even cheating. And yet, we treat it like it's the worst thing in the world. LIke we shouldn't be able to 'sleep at night'. Bollocks.

 

No wonder so many idiots stay in relationships that are bad for them. Society has conditioned us to think a crappy relationship, with someone who is lukewarm about us, is better than nothing.

 

I just think it's unrealistic to declare that dumpers don't ever feel regret. I was the dumper in my previous relationship before the one that brought me to LoveShack and there have been times over the last few years when I wonder if I did the right thing and what might have been.

 

Nothing is simply black & white.

 

When two people are in love and in a relationship, then for whatever reason one or even both people decide to part ways, they don't just erase their former SO from their heart/mind and just proceed like it all never happened. You can have moments of regret without actually getting back together with that person. And having those feelings is what makes us humans--not robots.

[pickflicker]

Dumping somebody can cause them excruciating pain.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to dump somebody. But you better have a damn good reason.

 

I'd also say that a real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious.

 

I completely agree with the last part of your post. Never dump impulsively, always think it through. And once you're sure, do it with conviction.

 

As for the rest, no good reason will allieviate the hurt any more. You think it will, but I promise you, no one on the planet ever heard a reason for being dumped and said "Oh, ok, thanks! I totally support that decision."

 

Look at all the people on here dating absolute a$$hats and still not seeing the fact that they were an a$$hat is a good reason for the relationship ending.

 

The risk in relationships is that there is a possibility you will get hurt. Just like if you swim in the surf at early morning or at dusk, you may get bitten by a shark. If the risk is unacceptable, get out of the water.

[pickflicker]

I just think it's unrealistic to declare that dumpers don't ever feel regret. I was the dumper in my previous relationship before the one that brought me to LoveShack and there have been times over the last few years when I wonder if I did the right thing and what might have been.

 

Nothing is simply black & white.

 

When two people are in love and in a relationship, then for whatever reason one or even both people decide to part ways, they don't just erase their former SO from their heart/mind and just proceed like it all never happened. You can have moments of regret without actually getting back together with that person. And having those feelings is what makes us humans--not robots.

 

I never said they did. You asked me if I feel regret. The answer was no.

 

I never made a statement along the lines of "No dumper ever feels regret."