sw2020 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I've dumped a few, had mutual break ups and been dumped too. I doubt there are many people sat at home wondering 'what if' about someone they let go. Life goes on. I definitely have no regrets over those I dumped or mutually broke up with. Breaking up sucks. Being rejected sucks. Dumping someone sucks. Whether doing the dumping or being rejected, it's all learning for both parties. Take what you can from it, as the other will (or will not) and move forward in a better way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blombox Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think I prefer being the dumped too. It SUCKS trying to get rid of someone who's been nothing but good to me and hasn't done anything wrong. My mind doesn't as easily warp itself to meet my emotional needs as it does for a lot of other people. I don't mind being the one that takes the hit instead. I don't mind hits that much. Though that opinion might change if I was frequently the dumped. I agree. When you dump someone there is always this feeling of regret and you got to ask yourself: did i really made the right decision? Also, it feels so crap to hurt someone who's really into you. The dumper doesnt dump for fun either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I agree. When you dump someone there is always this feeling of regret and you got to ask yourself: did i really made the right decision? Also, it feels so crap to hurt someone who's really into you. The dumper doesnt dump for fun either. She said to me, "I hope I do not regret this and are you going to hate me" in the moments I walked out of her life. I know I did all that I could, showed up in the R, was vulnerable, served her and was loving. Nothing more that I could have done but to honor her wishes and take care of me. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think it depends on the dumper - - not all dumpers are monolithic: Some dumpers take the time to weigh their decisions and have no compunction as to how to proceed. And as a result - - no regrets afterwards. Others make rash judgements based on emotion and very well may have regrets after they've done the deed. I think the hard part about being a dumpee is accepting the fact that a decision has been made for us - - whether we agree with it or not. So that being said -- I say being the dumpee is worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Going to be a long night with this one. I agree with Darcy to a degree. I was dumped very rashly and clumsy attempts have been made by her to ease her guilt. But now i sometimes feel she did me a favour as if i was the one to dump her i fear there may have been rabbits boiling in pots! And possibly miniture straw figures of me been pricked by 6 inch nails. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I always said that I prefer to be dumped. It is too hard for me to walk away. I keep getting plagued by doubt and what ifs and regrets. Every time I come home from a bad date, I think "Did I throw away a good thing?". As a dumpee you can be at peace because someone else took control and made the decision for you. This view is not out of bitterness or self denial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Thanks Pick, now shall i colour my hair just to complete the impending weekend? Which no doubt will be vivid. Eternal, i can see how that works. I am still in a quandary as to know whether being dropped or dropping is good. But i think i am erring on your side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 As I said, I'm guilty of it too, and I just proved it in the point I was (supposedly) making. Good for me. That being said: I don't believe that there's a set rule on when it's better/worse to be dumped/dumping. I've seen dumpers completely torn apart by their decisions, and dumpees who couldn't give a damn either way. Dumping someone can come from places of both cowardice and courage, but sometimes I think it stems from both - cowardice within the relationship (an unwillingness to communicate or address issues in a timely manner) leads to a breaking point, and the only option left is to muster the courage to leave what is no longer fixable. There are many people who don't connect their feelings with actions - they don't understand that how they act within a relationship, how they hold themselves and how they speak up for their needs, deeply connect with maintaining romantic interest. It's not fear that makes feelings cool off...it's poor relationship and communication skills. But breakups help change this. Dumpees might learn a little more than dumpers, but both sides will grow as a result of the relationship. At least, hopefully. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I always said that I prefer to be dumped. It is too hard for me to walk away. I keep getting plagued by doubt and what ifs and regrets. Every time I come home from a bad date, I think "Did I throw away a good thing?". As a dumpee you can be at peace because someone else took control and made the decision for you. This view is not out of bitterness or self denial. No offense, but that makes you seem like you are a very passive woman. Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 No offense, but that makes you seem like you are a very passive woman. I disagree, because you can't force someone to stay with you. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I disagree, because you can't force someone to stay with you. Huh? Did you reply to the right post? Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 No offense, but that makes you seem like you are a very passive woman. It's more that I'm indecisive and tend to second guess my decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 It's more that I'm indecisive and tend to second guess my decisions. Pretty much the same thing. You want somebody else to decide things for you. I'm not saying that you are wrong, but that way doesn't mesh with me. I can't sit back and relax that somebody made a life decision for me. Link to post Share on other sites
LostConfused123 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Pretty much the same thing. You want somebody else to decide things for you. I'm not saying that you are wrong, but that way doesn't mesh with me. I can't sit back and relax that somebody made a life decision for me. Honestly, I can't either. But as the dumpee, what other choice do we have?? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Honestly, I can't either. But as the dumpee, what other choice do we have?? I sure as hell can't be at peace about it. It's also not something I would just lie down and accept. I would do everything I can to get that person back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Pretty much the same thing. You want somebody else to decide things for you. I'm not saying that you are wrong, but that way doesn't mesh with me. I can't sit back and relax that somebody made a life decision for me. I don't think that's what she's saying. I think what she's saying is that there is a certain amount of relief in knowing that some things are out of your control. Which there is, once you differentiate between the things you can change and the things you can't. However, when presented with an opportunity to make a decision, you should always make one, not dither and wait for the other person to do it. If Eternal Sunshine would be willing to elaborate, that would be great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I sure as hell can't be at peace about it. It's also not something I would just lie down and accept. I would do everything I can to get that person back. Which is practicing NC, because as we can see from the many stories on here, continual pursuit of an ex only serves to drive them away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kevin_D Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 My only recurring nightmare is that I hurt other people. I never dream about other people hurting me. I think this says something about my subconscious. No one is capable of hurting me more than myself. I can forgive others, but I never forgive myself. I can still feel bad for stupid little things I did 20 years ago, such as breaking a glass. Knowing that I make another human being suffer hurts me so much that I would try anything before actually dumping someone. And that's also why I've never tried to convince my ex to come back, because I want my girlfriend to be happy with me. I still think she made a big mistake, because most of the time I know she was very happy with me. But once she had decided that I was the source of her unhappiness, only time can tell if she was wrong. Anyway, this is how I work and this how I wish that my future partner will work. If you look move forward and never have any regrets, good for you, put please discuss this in another thread. Thinking like this works for me and obviously work for others as well, so please don't rain on our parade while we're healing. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I can forgive others, but I never forgive myself. I can still feel bad for stupid little things I did 20 years ago, such as breaking a glass. . You might want to think about seeing someone for that. Self-forgiveness is the most important kind. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Which is practicing NC, because as we can see from the many stories on here, continual pursuit of an ex only serves to drive them away. NC is for when you've given up hope and are fine with them completely exiting your life. Link to post Share on other sites
LostConfused123 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I sure as hell can't be at peace about it. It's also not something I would just lie down and accept. I would do everything I can to get that person back. Me too. but what more can I (we) do??? I would do anything if I thought it would do any good. it simply won't. HE DOESN'T WANT ME ANYMORE!!! It's out of my hands, and thank God, because I don't really have the strength anymore. Believe me, if I thought there was even the slightest chance, I would do almost anything!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LostConfused123 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I don't think that's what she's saying. I think what she's saying is that there is a certain amount of relief in knowing that some things are out of your control. Which there is, once you differentiate between the things you can change and the things you can't. However, when presented with an opportunity to make a decision, you should always make one, not dither and wait for the other person to do it. If Eternal Sunshine would be willing to elaborate, that would be great. I second this Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 NC is for when you've given up hope and are fine with them completely exiting your life. *sigh* Yes, I know that. The only thing you can do re: getting an ex back, is to let them make the decision for themselves. No amount of influence or pressure will make them come back. NC is not a tactic, it's just the course of action post-break up. No matter what you want, as the dumpee, the only thing you can do...is nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 *sigh* Yes, I know that. The only thing you can do re: getting an ex back, is to let them make the decision for themselves. No amount of influence or pressure will make them come back. NC is not a tactic, it's just the course of action post-break up. No matter what you want, as the dumpee, the only thing you can do...is nothing. NC is not for getting your ex back. The purpose of NC is for you to heal when you have accepted that they are completely gone or that you no longer want to be in contact with them. If I wanted to get an ex back that I had to attract and initiate all forms of contact with in the first place, the last thing I would is sit back and hope that she decides to contact me one day and tell me that she changed her mind. I won her over in the first place. It only makes sense that I would have to win her over again. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 NC is not for getting your ex back. The purpose of NC is for you to heal when you have accepted that they are completely gone or that you no longer want to be in contact with them. If I wanted to get an ex back that I had to attract and initiate all forms of contact with in the first place, the last thing I would is sit back and hope that she decides to contact me one day and tell me that she changed her mind. I won her over in the first place. It only makes sense that I would have to win her over again. No, it really doesn't. Remember how she told you to stop texting her? Link to post Share on other sites
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