LostConfused123 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 *sigh* Yes, I know that. The only thing you can do re: getting an ex back, is to let them make the decision for themselves. No amount of influence or pressure will make them come back. NC is not a tactic, it's just the course of action post-break up. No matter what you want, as the dumpee, the only thing you can do...is nothing. Exactly! Which is, and I think I can safely say for almost everyone here is a VERY uncomfortable feeling!! (doing nothing) I mean, we are all fighters for life (if we weren't we wouldn't be here) but we are all survivors too!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Exactly! Which is, and I think I can safely say for almost everyone here is a VERY uncomfortable feeling!! (doing nothing) I mean, we are all fighters for life (if we weren't we wouldn't be here) but we are all survivors too!!! Of course it is. It completely goes against our instincts. That's why it's such a mind-f*ck. NC is a learned behaviour that tells you (particularly women, we're natural talkers/debriefers about issues!), to ignore all instincts to bring a person closer to you by attempting to close the communication gap, when in reality, you must do the opposite. It will either result in your ex pursuing you, or will accelerate moving on. It's win-win. In this instance (to bring it back to the original topic), being the dumpee has the advantage. The power is in the dumper's hands up until they finish breaking up with you. From there, it shifts to the dumpee. You get to decide what you'll tolerate. You get to decide if you'll talk to them. You get to decide if you'll take them back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 NC is not for getting your ex back. The purpose of NC is for you to heal when you have accepted that they are completely gone or that you no longer want to be in contact with them. If I wanted to get an ex back that I had to attract and initiate all forms of contact with in the first place, the last thing I would is sit back and hope that she decides to contact me one day and tell me that she changed her mind. I won her over in the first place. It only makes sense that I would have to win her over again. Go to her place right now and declare your love. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Go to her place right now and declare your love. Wow. You're so funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Wow. You're so funny. I wasn't joking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 No, it really doesn't. Remember how she told you to stop texting her? She hasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 She hasn't. Yes she did. She told you that she couldn't explain it to you anymore, that it was over. And then she stopped responding. Because you texting her was upsetting her. That's "Please stop texting me". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Would telling her that I want to kill myself help? Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Would telling her that I want to kill myself help? Um... what? You cannot ask someone to be with you because if they don't, you'll kill yourself. In polite conversation, that's called 'threatening' and 'intimidation'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Would telling her that I want to kill myself help? If this is serious, you don't need to be talking to her, you need to be talking to a professional. If this is a ploy to get a reaction, then that's really sh*tty. But in all honesty, you might need to talk to someone that's above our pay grade. This site isn't meant to help you with this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostConfused123 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Would telling her that I want to kill myself help? I really hope you don't mean that! Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 See my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/455701-my-life-has-completely-turned-sh-t I've hit absolute rock bottom. She's the closest thing I have to support, which makes everything suck so much more. I'm strongly considering texting her and telling her what I'm going through. She's the only person IRL who has actually cared about me in the past year that isn't my parents. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I have posted in that thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 See my thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/off-topic/personal-rants-confessions/455701-my-life-has-completely-turned-sh-t I've hit absolute rock bottom. She's the closest thing I have to support, which makes everything suck so much more. I'm strongly considering texting her and telling her what I'm going through. She's the only person IRL who has actually cared about me in the past year that isn't my parents. Haven't read the thread yet, but this is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. You need to talk to your parents or, better yet, a counselor. Don't put that burden on your ex -- that's completely unfair to her and doesn't help you at all in the long run. Please see a professional, honestly. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Haven't read the thread yet, but this is a terrible, terrible, terrible idea. You need to talk to your parents or, better yet, a counselor. Don't put that burden on your ex -- that's completely unfair to her and doesn't help you at all in the long run. Please see a professional, honestly. It's holding a person hostage. It's abuse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I'm not posting in this thread anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I'm not posting in this thread anymore. Good idea, we'll resume the conversation in the other thread then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Huh? Did you reply to the right post? Yes. You were calling her passive for saying she would rather be the dumpee and that in the ends it's freeing...well I disagree with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RDawg Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) Of the 5 LTR's I've had I have only been the dumper once. I never second guessed my decision but felt massive guilt and 8 years later still feel sad for her and bad about the way I broke up with her. I suppose it all depends on the reasons for the split: In my recent breakup I did something that pretty much allowed my ex to dump me with a clear conscience (I got drunk and hit her.) Ironically she had checked out of the relationship months before, never communicated her feelings or gave us a chance to resolve the problems. I think disappointment is primarily what she is feeling. In my case I am in a far worse place at the moment. Apart from the missing, the longing etc. I am also dealing with major remorse and self recrimination. In terms of benefits from the break up one could argue that I have far more to learn from the experience, provided I use this opportunity to really gain control of my life and become the person I want to be. Edited January 17, 2014 by RDawg 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hopti Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 No wonder so many idiots stay in relationships that are bad for them. Society has conditioned us to think a crappy relationship, with someone who is lukewarm about us, is better than nothing. I love this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Princess3hunna Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Thanks for this post. It definitely helps looking at it from this perspective instead of beating yourself up about it. Link to post Share on other sites
MoooOinkBaaa Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I'd say most of the people that claim that they had thought about breaking up half a year are selfish hypocrites. If they actually want the relationship to work, they would explain over and over again that they are feeling unhappy and that something needs to change. Try hanging out with a friend that makes you really unhappy. How many hours can you endure? I think it's pretty obvious that many of these dumpers aren't unhappy at all, they are just bored and want something more. However, most likely they've lost contact with several friends during the relationship, especially those of the opposite sex. They realise that they might feel very lonely if they pull the trigger now, so they begin to prepare for the potential breakup by getting new friends and new admireres. If the new life doesn't seem that fun, they might stick with what they have instead. So while the question should be "Have I done everything I can to save my relationship", I'm pretty certain many dumpers ask themseleves "Are the new things I've seen for the last few months appealing enough to sacrifice my relationship?" instead. Again it's just me, me, me instead of we, we, we. This is soooo good. Exactly what happened to me. Funny how I got dumped after she made new friends and started her new drinking lifestyle. She says she was uhappy with me but four months on she's even more miserable - she's just unhappy with herself. Everything you said hit the nail on the head. Link to post Share on other sites
emi Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Hell i wasnt relief to be a dumpee. I was in so much pain and need to pick myself up not to mention wasted alot of time to work hard to work over it. RELIEF? hell no 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LostConfused123 Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Hell i wasnt relief to be a dumpee. I was in so much pain and need to pick myself up not to mention wasted alot of time to work hard to work over it. RELIEF? hell no I getcha I go back and forth. . . kinda the lesser of two evils. . . . maybe there isn't one. It just sucks either way. I can't wait until this heartbreak is a distant memory. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I'm not sure what good it is to debate over 'who has it better'. Frankly I think it all evens out in the end assuming both people manage to pick themselves up and move forward in life after a reasonable amount of time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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