It's a relief to be the dumpee

[singme2sleep]

Dumping somebody can cause them excruciating pain.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to dump somebody. But you better have a damn good reason.

 

I'd also say that a real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious.

 

I agree. I would never want someone to stay with me if they no longer had the same feelings for me...however don't tell someone you love them, make promises and plan for the future if you don't intend to be there for the long haul. We live in a society now where words are just words and that's a real shame.

[singme2sleep]

I never said they did. You asked me if I feel regret. The answer was no.

 

I never made a statement along the lines of "No dumper ever feels regret."

 

Okay. Truce...

[pickflicker]

I agree. I would never want someone to stay with me if they no longer had the same feelings for me...however don't tell someone you love them, make promises and plan for the future if you don't intend to be there for the long haul. We live in a society now where words are just words and that's a real shame.

 

Most of those people are in it for the long haul. But you don't know how things will change. You can see it from one perspective and say "yes, I am committed to this person", but feelings change. You do your best. Everyone does their best. But promises are breakable. You can never, ever promise forever.

[LostConfused123]

I've been both. They both suck, for me anyway.

 

I hated the fact that I caused someone so much pain. He was a good man, we just weren't good together.

Then before him I was in an abusive relationship and literally ran away from that one and couldn't care less if he was hurting.

 

I think it depends on the relationship.

[Kevin_D]

Dumping somebody can cause them excruciating pain.

 

I'm not saying it's wrong to dump somebody. But you better have a damn good reason.

 

I'd also say that a real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious.

 

Exactly. You can't just expect someone be there for you, all the time, year after year, and then just be able to walk away simply because you believe that you don't need your partner anymore and will have more fun somewhere else. While it's not illegal to do this, my opinion is that it's a real rotten attitude.

 

We're talking about people her, not underwear. Human beings who may have sacrificed great career opportunities just to be with you. When did it become a positive thing to be irresponsible and only concerned about your own happiness?

[pickflicker]

 

Human beings who may have sacrificed great career opportunities just to be with you. When did it become a positive thing to be irresponsible and only concerned about your own happiness?

 

That was your decision, not hers. If you gave up a career, you knew the risks.

 

You cannot be the source of someone else's happiness. And you can't possibly contribute to another person's happiness unless you yourself, are happy. Staying with you would have made her unhappy, and there's nothing noble about sacrificing your happiness for someone who is codependent.

[Kevin_D]

Never dump impulsively, always think it through. .

 

Haha oh man. That's not making an effort to save the relationship, that's just being a narcissistic *******.

 

Again and again your forget that a relationship is about TWO people. If you are unhappy in a relationship, it's your responsibilitiy to tell the other person that you are unhappy with the way things are.

 

You then make an effort by trying to find the source of the unhappiness and try to change things TOGETHER.

 

You just don't walk around for half a year, thinking about these things, while acting as everything is okay. We're not in kindergarten.

 

A relationship isn't about me, me me. It's about we, we we.

[pickflicker]

Haha oh man. That's not making an effort to save the relationship, that's just being a narcissistic *******.

 

Again and again your forget that a relationship is about TWO people. If you are unhappy in a relationship, it's your responsibilitiy to tell the other person that you are unhappy with the way things are.

 

You then make an effort by trying to find the source of the unhappiness and try to change things TOGETHER.

 

You just don't walk around for half a year, thinking about these things, while acting as everything is okay. We're not in kindergarten.

 

A relationship isn't about me, me me. It's about we, we we.

 

I didn't say not to tell the other person that you're not happy. I said to consider the decision to dump someone very carefully.

 

I also advocated working on a relationship before throwing in the towel.

 

Please read what I have written, instead of thinking that just because I have had the courage to dump someone, and you're talking about an experience you know nothing about, somehow you own the moral high ground.

[somedude81]

I completely agree with the last part of your post. Never dump impulsively, always think it through. And once you're sure, do it with conviction.

That's not what I meant at all.

 

"A real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious."

 

Meaning, actually talk with your partner before you decide to dump them and figure out if there is a way to save the relationship.

 

My ex did not do this at all, and it is the primary reason why I'm still so mad at her and very hurt by what she did to me. Not once did she bring up an issue she had with the relationship or with me.

 

It's literally the same thing as everything going fine at a job then your boss walks up to you and tells you that you're fired.

[Kevin_D]

That was your decision, not hers. If you gave up a career, you knew the risks.

 

You cannot be the source of someone else's happiness. And you can't possibly contribute to another person's happiness unless you yourself, are happy. Staying with you would have made her unhappy, and there's nothing noble about sacrificing your happiness for someone who is codependent.

 

Way to contradict yourself. I can't be her source of happiness, but I can be her source of unhappiness? Really?

 

What if her unhappiness has something to with her truamatic childhood, that her mother killed herself, that she might have inherited bipolar disorder, that she's falling behind and that she has tons of depts?

 

It's a well-known fact that many people blame their partner when other things in their life goes wrong. And by reading different threads on this forum, I think it safe to say that many dumpers actually feel remorse. Not everyone is lacking empathy.

 

But I seriously don't get what your point is. You don't help people to move on by telling them that the dumper will be much happier without them. Please explain the purpose of these comments.

[pickflicker]

That's not what I meant at all.

 

"A real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious."

 

Meaning, actually talk with your partner before you decide to dump them and figure out if there is a way to save the relationship.

 

My ex did not do this at all, and it is the primary reason why I'm still so mad at her and very hurt by what she did to me. Not once did she bring up an issue she had with the relationship or with me.

 

It's literally the same thing as everything going fine at a job then your boss walks up to you and tells you that you're fired.

 

Once again, I haven't advocated not talking to your partner about why you're dissatisfied in a relationship.

 

I'm not going to discuss your specific situation further, as you have a habit of threadjacking other people's threads to talk about your ex-girlfriend.

[somedude81]

Haha oh man. That's not making an effort to save the relationship, that's just being a narcissistic *******.

 

Again and again your forget that a relationship is about TWO people. If you are unhappy in a relationship, it's your responsibilitiy to tell the other person that you are unhappy with the way things are.

 

You then make an effort by trying to find the source of the unhappiness and try to change things TOGETHER.

 

You just don't walk around for half a year, thinking about these things, while acting as everything is okay. We're not in kindergarten.

 

A relationship isn't about me, me me. It's about we, we we.

This so much.

 

The bold area is the worst because essentially it's living a lie. Feelings like that should not be kept to oneself. A relationship is a team, and it's your duty to tell your partner that something is wrong and not bottle it up till it explodes.

[somedude81]

Once again, I haven't advocated not talking to your partner about why you're dissatisfied in a relationship.

You completely ignored that part of my post.

 

That's why Kevin_D and I called you out on it.

[LostConfused123]

That's not what I meant at all.

 

"A real honest effort should be made to save the relationship if it had turned serious."

 

Meaning, actually talk with your partner before you decide to dump them and figure out if there is a way to save the relationship.

 

My ex did not do this at all, and it is the primary reason why I'm still so mad at her and very hurt by what she did to me. Not once did she bring up an issue she had with the relationship or with me.

 

It's literally the same thing as everything going fine at a job then your boss walks up to you and tells you that you're fired.

Mine too. I thought things were great!

 

I'm not mad that he left, I'm mad that he said he wouldn't (3 days before)

[pickflicker]

Way to contradict yourself. I can't be her source of happiness, but I can be her source of unhappiness? Really?

 

You can be a source of happiness, just as you can be a source of unhappiness.

 

What if her unhappiness has something to with her truamatic childhood, that her mother killed herself, that she might have inherited bipolar disorder, that she's falling behind and that she has tons of depts??

 

So? I don't get what that has to do with anything. You need to understand that it doesn't matter what the reason is, if a person has decided they don't want to be with you, that's it. There is no point struggling against the rip, you're just going to drown. You're better to just accept.

 

It's a well-known fact that many people blame their partner when other things in their life goes wrong. And by reading different threads on this forum, I think it safe to say that many dumpers actually feel remorse. Not everyone is lacking empathy.

 

Just because you don't regret a break up, does not mean you're lacking in empathy. If anything, you're displaying empathy by breaking it off with someone who you don't see a future with. The number of people trading water in crap relationships is appalling. They could set the other person free, set themselves free, and both parties can go onto something better.

 

But I seriously don't get what your point is. You don't help people to move on by telling them that the dumper will be much happier without them. Please explain the purpose of these comments.

 

Oh, so it's healing to tell the person "No, they're going to regret you the rest of their life! They're pining into their beer glass right now!" That's constructive?

 

I come on here and tell people these things to get them to STOP FIGHTING. To stop struggling under the weight of "What are they thinking? How can I win them back?" It is like stabbing yourself over and over again. Stop fighting. Let them go.

[Kevin_D]

I'd say most of the people that claim that they had thought about breaking up half a year are selfish hypocrites.

 

If they actually want the relationship to work, they would explain over and over again that they are feeling unhappy and that something needs to change. Try hanging out with a friend that makes you really unhappy. How many hours can you endure?

 

I think it's pretty obvious that many of these dumpers aren't unhappy at all, they are just bored and want something more. However, most likely they've lost contact with several friends during the relationship, especially those of the opposite sex. They realise that they might feel very lonely if they pull the trigger now, so they begin to prepare for the potential breakup by getting new friends and new admireres. If the new life doesn't seem that fun, they might stick with what they have instead.

 

So while the question should be "Have I done everything I can to save my relationship", I'm pretty certain many dumpers ask themseleves "Are the new things I've seen for the last few months appealing enough to sacrifice my relationship?" instead. Again it's just me, me, me instead of we, we, we.

[pickflicker]

I'd say most of the people that claim that they had thought about breaking up half a year are selfish hypocrites.

 

If they actually want the relationship to work, they would explain over and over again that they are feeling unhappy and that something needs to change. Try hanging out with a friend that makes you really unhappy. How many hours can you endure?

 

I think it's pretty obvious that many of these dumpers aren't unhappy at all, they are just bored and want something more. However, most likely they've lost contact with several friends during the relationship, especially those of the opposite sex. They realise that they might feel very lonely if they pull the trigger now, so they begin prepare for the potential breakup by getting new friends and new admireres. If the new life doesn't seem that fun, they might stick with what they have instead.

 

So while the question should be "Have I done everything I can to save my relationship", I'm pretty certain many dumpers ask themseleves "Are the new things I've seen for the last few months appealing enough to sacrifice my relationship?" instead. Again it's just me, me, me instead of we, we, we.

 

Despite getting a clear explaination from a person, we can never be completely sure what is going on in their head. This is why asking for a 'reason' is futile, because we're not inside that person's head.

 

And plenty of people do work through their ups and downs. They are fighting for their relationship whilst in the relationship. You can't know what is going on there either.

 

And you can't know what goes through a person's head when they dump someone, until you actually do it. A person may end a relationship for a myriad of reasons, or for none at all. And if you're not ready for it to end, no reason will make it easier. Only choosing not to fight, and letting go, will (eventually, anyway).

[Simon Phoenix]

The problem with your point of view OP, is that you seem to feel that the dumper needs to get your approval to dump you, which comes off as really immature. You keep on saying that a dumper needs to have a good reason to dump you -- as if they need to write a position paper outlining their case to dump you and you get a chance to give it a read and critique it before you allow them to turn it into the teacher. That's just a really narrow-minded, immature way to look at it.

 

The dumper dumps because they feel they have a good reason in their mind to dump you. They don't need the approval of the dumpee to validate their reason. Should they work to save the relationship? Sure, if they think it can be saved. But if you really expect your partner to give you a PowerPoint presentation on how to be a good partner, then you need a reality check. That's never going to happen. If you sense there's something wrong, it's ok for you to ask questions. But don't expect your partner to tell you to wash your ears and make your bed like your mother did when you were a child. That's not a realistic expectation.

 

Does it suck to be dumped? Yes it does. But you seem to think a dumper should be forced to stay in a relationship they do not like anymore against their will, and that's the attitude you've posted with since you've gotten to this site. You seem to basically think that the dumper should be forced to endure you so you aren't forced to endure life without them. That's kind of hypocritical bro.

 

Dumpers are not villains. They are not evil. They are not weak. They are not afraid. They are just people that, for whatever reason, decided not to continue the relationship they are in. In fact, it takes a lot of guts to dump -- people who stay with people who they aren't fulfilled by out of fear of being alone/fear of what their ex would do are a lot weaker than people who dump.

 

I've dumped, i've been dumped. I don't regret either one. Sure, there are things I could have done differently, but every one of those experiences have allowed me to grow and learn things about myself and the world.

[mtnbiker3000]

I look at it like this. Every morning, when I wake up, I accept that:

 

-This could be my last day on earth

-This could be the last day on earth for someone I love

-This could be the last day I spend with someone I love

 

This is the cold reality of life. Shyte happens!!! So enjoy the good and accept / learn from the bad without dwelling. It's all part of the cycle...

Edited January 16, 2014 by mtnbiker3000

[vieillot]

What if you realize you couldn't give your %100?

 

My ex (4.5yrs) dumped me 1 month ago. Now I only think the warnings ,red flags that gave to me before she broke up. I couldn't see them that time but now I feel like **** and stupid I couldn't understand her feelings at that time. So in your situation maybe it's true but I was the big part of idea that she created in her mind to break up with me. And it really hurts. I don't know how to peace with myself now.

[Kevin_D]

The problem with your point of view OP, is that you seem to feel that the dumper needs to get your approval to dump you, which comes off as really immature. You keep on saying that a dumper needs to have a good reason to dump you -- as if they need to write a position paper outlining their case to dump you and you get a chance to give it a read and critique it before you allow them to turn it into the teacher. That's just a really narrow-minded, immature way to look at it.

 

The dumper dumps because they feel they have a good reason in their mind to dump you. They don't need the approval of the dumpee to validate their reason. Should they work to save the relationship? Sure, if they think it can be saved. But if you really expect your partner to give you a PowerPoint presentation on how to be a good partner, then you need a reality check. That's never going to happen. If you sense there's something wrong, it's ok for you to ask questions. But don't expect your partner to tell you to wash your ears and make your bed like your mother did when you were a child. That's not a realistic expectation.

 

Does it suck to be dumped? Yes it does. But you seem to think a dumper should be forced to stay in a relationship they do not like anymore against their will, and that's the attitude you've posted with since you've gotten to this site. You seem to basically think that the dumper should be forced to endure you so you aren't forced to endure life without them. That's kind of hypocritical bro.

 

Dumpers are not villains. They are not evil. They are not weak. They are not afraid. They are just people that, for whatever reason, decided not to continue the relationship they are in. In fact, it takes a lot of guts to dump -- people who stay with people who they aren't fulfilled by out of fear of being alone/fear of what their ex would do are a lot weaker than people who dump.

 

I've dumped, i've been dumped. I don't regret either one. Sure, there are things I could have done differently, but every one of those experiences have allowed me to grow and learn things about myself and the world.

 

There's no "problem" with my point of view, it just happens to be very different from yours. And the main difference is that I believe in the word RESPONSIBILITY.

 

Let's saya man has a wife and two kids, 12 and 9 years old. His wife once looked like a model, but is now older and has gained weight. He is still getting attention from hot women and really miss "being in love", so he decided run of with his 20 year younger secretary.

 

Another man falls out of love with his girlfriend when she develops cancer. She loses her hair, her confidence and needs constant emotional support. He wants his life to be full of joy and happiness, so he leaves.

 

You think these guys have guts. I think these guys are selfish, irresponsible cowards.

 

If you want to harvest all the goodies, you must be prepared for the bad times as well. Otherwise you're an emotional vampire.

[Simon Phoenix]

There's no "problem" with my point of view, it just happens to be very different from yours. And the main difference is that I believe in the word RESPONSIBILITY.

 

Let's saya man has a wife and two kids, 12 and 9 years old. His wife once looked like a model, but is now older and has gained weight. He is still getting attention from hot women and really miss "being in love", so he decided run of with his 20 year younger secretary.

 

Another man falls out of love with his girlfriend when she develops cancer. She loses her hair, her confidence and needs constant emotional support. He wants his life to be full of joy and happiness, so he leaves.

 

You think these guys have guts. I think these guys are selfish, irresponsible cowards.

 

If you want to harvest all the goodies, you must be prepared for the bad times as well. Otherwise you're an emotional vampire.

 

You didn't have kids with your ex and you don't have a life-threatening disease. That's two strikes. Do you have any more terrible attempts at counterexamples to try to throw out there in an attempt to make yourself out to be a martyr?

Edited January 16, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[Emilia]

So I realise now, that being the dumpee is really the better of two evils.

I think also that perhaps you equally gave up on the relationship but she took the responsibility to end it. Being a dumpee sucks if you want to be with the other person still and hope to work things out. If you have already started moving on, you won't care quite as much.

[David87]

If you want to harvest all the goodies, you must be prepared for the bad times as well. Otherwise you're an emotional vampire.

 

Very well said, my ex left when the honeymoon ended.

[gaius]

I think I prefer being the dumped too. It SUCKS trying to get rid of someone who's been nothing but good to me and hasn't done anything wrong. My mind doesn't as easily warp itself to meet my emotional needs as it does for a lot of other people. I don't mind being the one that takes the hit instead. I don't mind hits that much.

 

Though that opinion might change if I was frequently the dumped.