Did karma get your cheating ex

[anne1707]

Oh Anne... I can always count on YOU to listen.

That, and the three rolls of duct tape I use to pin you to the chair.....

 

Wuggle does appreciate the peace and quiet he gets when you do that

[newmoon]

Come-uppance.

kick in the @$s

Just deserts.

 

But you're right.

 

Karma isn't the word.

 

 

 

well then it's just semantics, but amounts to the same thing.

[TaraMaiden]

Semantics?

 

se·man·tics (sĭ-măn′tĭks)

n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb)

1. Linguistics The study or science of meaning in language.

2. Linguistics The study of relationships between signs and symbols and what they represent. Also called semasiology.

3. The meaning or the interpretation of a word, sentence, or other language form:

 

no, it isn't.

 

And no, it does NOT amount to the same thing.

 

What it amounts to is a term that people have adopted, twisted the meaning of for their own ends, have misconstrued, misinterpreted and used - incorrectly - through ignorance.

 

Pillaging a known, historic and authentic term for something specific, and adapting it simply because it suits you to do so, does not 'amount to the same thing'.

[Anne Boleyn]

So you are saying that Karma can't "get" you. Karma is what you choose to do, what path you choose to follow and the natural consequences you endure directly from those actions is the result. Good actions reap good rewards. Poor actions reap poor rewards.

 

Eastern concept of Karma is that an action reaps a consequence. So in the idea of an affair, the action would be the affair, the karma would be the stress of the affair, the good and bad of that relationship, the possibility of discovery and what comes with it... The heartbreak, the loss of trust, the divorce, or the rebuilding of the marriage for better or worse.

 

Having an affair and then two years later you have a stillbirth or get cancer as the universe's punishment for having an affair... That's the western corruption of Karma, not actually how karma works.

[Raena]

Eastern concept of Karma is that an action reaps a consequence. So in the idea of an affair, the action would be the affair, the karma would be the stress of the affair, the good and bad of that relationship, the possibility of discovery and what comes with it... The heartbreak, the loss of trust, the divorce, or the rebuilding of the marriage for better or worse.

 

Having an affair and then two years later you have a stillbirth or get cancer as the universe's punishment for having an affair... That's the western corruption of Karma, not actually how karma works.

 

Ok, well then the original question here should have been... "Did the universe punish your ex for cheating on you and hurting you?"

 

I honestly believe that you get what you give in life. If you treat others badly, sooner or later it will come back to you. Call it what you want... matters not. Obviously shouldn't call it Karma then. What about fate or destiny? They are interlinked with the idea of Karma aren't they?

 

I personally didn't like the platitudes I was given of "oh well, Karma will come take care of him, you just wait and see" when I first split with my ex. It seemed like EVERYONE was saying the same thing to me. It didn't matter to me. Him being hurt in the future doesn't make me feel better about what he did to me then or now.

[TaraMaiden]

What about fate or destiny? They are interlinked with the idea of Karma aren't they?

As far as Hinduism is concerned, yes.

They believe that whatever we are reaping now, is as a direct and inalienable result of what we have done in the past.

And this includes the fate of cripples, the handicapped, those raped and assaulted, and those born in a lower caste system.

 

Buddhism most definitely does not prescribe to such ideology.

 

Buddhism takes into account that we have minds and brains between our ears and that we have the clear and inalterable ability to perceive, evaluate, cogitate, ruminate and make a choice.

 

it is on this choice - that your Karma rests.

 

Karma is Volitional, deliberate and wilful action.

It is premeditated and designed.

 

To take a completely unconnected example:

Accidentally stepping on a snail and killing it, is not the same as picking it up and batting it across three gardens with a piece of wood.

[sarbunoemi]

I never experienced with my exes to cheat on me, but if I imagine it, I wouldn't want them any harm because that would make me unhappy - to wish someone's unhappiness.

I think the best payback for a cheating ex is to make yourself happy without them and create a better you without them. The best payback in my opinion. You win, because you got rid of someone stupid enough to cheat on you and he/she lost someone precious, valuable and loyal. The already had the payback

[newmoon]

Semantics?

 

 

 

no, it isn't.

 

And no, it does NOT amount to the same thing.

 

What it amounts to is a term that people have adopted, twisted the meaning of for their own ends, have misconstrued, misinterpreted and used - incorrectly - through ignorance.

 

Pillaging a known, historic and authentic term for something specific, and adapting it simply because it suits you to do so, does not 'amount to the same thing'.

 

 

 

can I wish you bad karma and whatever you'd like to call it for being a royal posting pain? ok.. done, it's coming!!!

[TaraMaiden]

That's not bad Karma coming my way. That's bad karma on your part, and like any unwelcome gift, it's yours to have back.....

 

See?

That's Karmic/Action - in action.

[Anne Boleyn]

Ok, well then the original question here should have been... "Did the universe punish your ex for cheating on you and hurting you?"

 

Well then the answer for me would still be no... I do not think the universe has punished me for our affair.

 

I honestly believe that you get what you give in life. If you treat others badly, sooner or later it will come back to you. Call it what you want... matters not.

 

The thing is though that this is one event in my life, not the sum of my life. I'm not a bad person who's bad to people. The fact I had an affair would surprise most people. But overall, I don't give bad things in life, and any bad things I do get are generally just bad things that all people have happen to them.

 

shouldn't call it Karma then. What about fate or destiny? They are interlinked with the idea of Karma aren't they?

 

Not really. Karma is the action. And fate and destiny are things that happen regardless of action. They're predetermined.

 

Do I think I was fated to have an affair? No. Was I destined to be with my husband? I think so.

 

personally didn't like the platitudes I was given of "oh well, Karma will come take care of him, you just wait and see" when I first split with my ex. It seemed like EVERYONE was saying the same thing to me. It didn't matter to me. Him being hurt in the future doesn't make me feel better about what he did to me then or now.

 

People say that to the BS and the people who cheat because they don't know what else to say.

[Fluttershy]

I decided, as a BS, to not let myself get so bitter I rejoiced in anothers misfortunes. As I am reconciled with my H ofcourse I cannot wish harm upon him... That'd hurt me. As to the OW not only would it be hypocrtical it woul also be a sign I was deflecting blame (for me).

 

Getting a sense of satisfaction that your xWS gets cheated on or dumped by te AP... Very normal and not a big deal. Eaiting and widhin for them to have someone die like a child or get cancer or something else really horrible... I'm sorry but hoping for that sort of twisted Karma or rejoicin in it is way too ugly of bitterness. That is a poison that can hurt you More than the ill you wish on someone else!

[TaraMaiden]

I decided, as a BS, to not let myself get so bitter I rejoiced in anothers misfortunes. As I am reconciled with my H ofcourse I cannot wish harm upon him... That'd hurt me. As to the OW not only would it be hypocrtical it woul also be a sign I was deflecting blame (for me).

 

Getting a sense of satisfaction that your xWS gets cheated on or dumped by te AP... Very normal and not a big deal. Eaiting and widhin for them to have someone die like a child or get cancer or something else really horrible... I'm sorry but hoping for that sort of twisted Karma or rejoicin in it is way too ugly of bitterness. That is a poison that can hurt you More than the ill you wish on someone else!

 

It is said that wishing bad Karma on someone is like buying them poison, but drinking it yourself - or grasping a hot coal to throw it at them - but it's you it burns first.

 

What people are hoping for, here, is Schadenfreude.... taking pleasure from someone else's misfortune.

[Raena]

Well then the answer for me would still be no... I do not think the universe has punished me for our affair.

 

So be it then, as long as YOU don't see it that way and you are happy with your life.

 

The thing is though that this is one event in my life, not the sum of my life. I'm not a bad person who's bad to people. The fact I had an affair would surprise most people. But overall, I don't give bad things in life, and any bad things I do get are generally just bad things that all people have happen to them.

 

You were bad to SOMEONE, that person you cheated on. So from that person's perspective, you are not such a great person. Same with my ex, from my perspective he's lower than low, but other people see him differently. Not many though, he's generally not a nice person.

 

Not really. Karma is the action. And fate and destiny are things that happen regardless of action. They're predetermined.

 

Do I think I was fated to have an affair? No. Was I destined to be with my husband? I think so.

 

Seems to me that fate and destiny are relatively interchangeable words. If you were destined to be with your husband, then you were also fated to cheat to be with him if that's the way it happened. Unless of course you ended your relationship with your ex first and THEN got into a relationship with your now husband. I'm not sure of your whole story. Do you think you could have handled it differently in retrospect now?

 

People say that to the BS and the people who cheat because they don't know what else to say. Yes, what else do you say to someone who has just had their entire world torn to pieces. Oh it will be ok, you'll be fine... and he/she will get her just rewards for treating you so badly. It is pretty common. Makes me wonder why exactly it is so common. Do most people believe in retribution?

 

I really don't mean any offense to you by any of this. I'm actually enjoying this intellectual conversation. I do think that my ex would say many of the same things you are saying. He also wouldn't think that anything negative that happens to him has anything to do with what he did to me, or to the other woman he has treated badly. The reasoning is different for him though. He wouldn't admit to it because he doesn't see that HE is the reason his life is the way it is. It's always someone else's fault or completely out of his control. He takes no responsibility for his actions. There is always an excuse.

[janedoe67]

It is said that wishing bad Karma on someone is like buying them poison, but drinking it yourself - or grasping a hot coal to throw it at them - but it's you it burns first.

 

What people are hoping for, here, is Schadenfreude.... taking pleasure from someone else's misfortune.

 

A wonderful quality to aspire to, isn't it

[Anne Boleyn]

So be it then, as long as YOU don't see it that way and you are happy with your life.

 

Very good then.

 

You were bad to SOMEONE, that person you cheated on. So from that person's perspective, you are not such a great person. Same with my ex, from my perspective he's lower than low, but other people see him differently. Not many though, he's generally not a nice person.

Absolutely nobody gets through this life without somebody, somewhere, thinking you're not that great a person. Our whole lives aren't defined by the handful of people we've made miserable any more than our lives are defined only by the people we make happy or think we're good.

 

 

Then there's the knowledge that not being thought of as a good person by certain people, well... It's not exactly a bad thing. The fact that his ex wife doesn't like me in general... Let's just say I'm not really losing sleep over it.

 

 

Seems to me that fate and destiny are relatively interchangeable words. If you were destined to be with your husband, then you were also fated to cheat to be with him if that's the way it happened. Unless of course you ended your relationship with your ex first and THEN got into a relationship with your now husband. I'm not sure of your whole story. Do you think you could have handled it differently in retrospect now?

Fate is an event that happens and it's outside of your control. Destiny is an event that is predestined to happen. Fate can be controlled, destiny not so much... If you believe in them, considering they're somewhat mystical concepts.

 

 

I think our destiny was to be together at some point, but I think fate worked against us considering we'd both married other people. If both of us had followed our guts and not gotten married, then we'd have eventually found each other, sans affair. But because we didn't, the affair.

 

 

Could I have handled it differently? Absolutely. I'm a fairly introspective person and it's hard for me to think of any event in my life of any significance, good or bad, that hindsight hadn't made me wish I'd done differently. There's a lot I wish I could have done differently during that whole period of my life.

 

 

[sIZE=3]

Yes, what else do you say to someone who has just had their entire world torn to pieces. Oh it will be ok, you'll be fine... and he/she will get her just rewards for treating you so badly. It is pretty common. Makes me wonder why exactly it is so common. Do most people believe in retribution?

[/sIZE]I don't think that it's people believe in retribution, it's just that it's a awkward revelation personal revelation that people don't know how to respond with, so they go with what they think the BS wants to hear. Kind of like when somebody dies and they respond with "at least he's not in pain" or "he's in a better place.". We know it doesn't help to hear, but we don't know what else to say to "fix" it. And the cheating spouse hears the same thing, "you'll get what's coming to you" too, and again, I think it's for lack of other things to say. It's awkward to have to respond to such a situation.

 

 

I really don't mean any offense to you by any of this. I'm actually enjoying this intellectual conversation. I do think that my ex would say many of the same things you are saying. He alsoI really don't mean any offense to you by any of this. I'm actually enjoying this intellectual conversation. I do think that my ex would say many of the same things you are saying. He also wouldn't think that anything negative that happens to him has anything to do with what he did to me, or to the other woman he has treated badly. The reasoning is different for him though. He wouldn't admit to it because he doesn't see that HE is the reason his life is the way it is. It's always someone else's fault or completely out of his control. He takes no responsibility for his actions. There is always an excuse.

Well, my life is the way it is because of choices we made to make it this way, so the affair, the divorces, and the remarriage. Things that radiate off of that, family dynamic, etc etc, that's all part of that same choice. But things like a broken down car, a miscarriage, Lyme disease, any of the other unrelated things... Those happened because things like that happen. Not because my husband's ex or my ex were people favored by the universe and thus crossing them means punishment by external forces in all areas of my life.

 

 

Like I said, this was a big event, but the whole of my life isn't defined by it. In fact, this far down the road, you'd be surprised by how absolutely little it matters.

 

 

No worries about causing offense, I was just teasing you in good fun. I know it's not personal, though I thought the part about not having kids as punishment for the affair was a bit odd... Generally, I don't like it when my child or our children are used as a "they will be punished because of you" example, but I knew it wasn't personal since the person who said it didn't know of the fertility issues prior to our affair or that we had kids already, so it was an example of something that could have applied by coincidence, not personal attack. So no worries, if that doesn't get to me, our banter wouldn't either, truly.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Anne Boleyn

[Raena]

As a side note...Anne Boleyn - I find it very interesting that you chose that name, of all names, as yours, considering how controversial she was in English history and who she was married to.

 

Fate vs Destiny - As I understand it, it is the other way around from the way you described it. Destiny you have control over... your choices determine your destiny. Fate on the other hand is something you have no control over, it was going to happen regardless. So I think you meant that you were fated to be with your husband and your destiny was that you had to cheat to get there.

[Anne Boleyn]

As a side note...Anne Boleyn - I find it very interesting that you chose that name, of all names, as yours, considering how controversial she was in English history and who she was married to.

 

 

Well, there is something to a well-chosen name and a sense of humor, and I'm a fan of that era. Decided to have a bit of fun.

 

Fate vs Destiny - As I understand it, it is the other way around from the way you described it. Destiny you have control over... your choices determine your destiny. Fate on the other hand is something you have no control over, it was going to happen regardless. So I think you meant that you were fated to be with your husband and your destiny was that you had to cheat to get there.

 

I went off the definitions to make sure I was getting it right. I wanted to make sure I wasn't scrambled... It happens, even to me.

 

 

The cheating wasn't something that was unavoidable, though. That could have been changed or avoided. It wasn't a part of the fabric of who I am.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Anne Boleyn

[miguelcervantes]

So what I get from this thread is that if I cheat, rewrite history, gaslight, lie and have no semblance of remorse, I actually get rewarded?

[miguelcervantes]

Oh and the definitions of Karma and Kismet are priceless!

[Anne Boleyn]

So what I get from this thread is that if I cheat, rewrite history, gaslight, lie and have no semblance of remorse, I actually get rewarded?

 

 

Pretty sure nobody said that... Didn't see where anybody did, anyway.

 

Oh and the definitions of Karma and Kismet are priceless!

 

 

Yet accurate... Though I'm thinking I missed where kismet was brought up.

[Raena]

So what I get from this thread is that if I cheat, rewrite history, gaslight, lie and have no semblance of remorse, I actually get rewarded?

 

No one is rewarded in these situations. No one. It hurts everyone involved in some way shape, manner or form.

 

If you do all of those things, there are consequences not rewards.

 

Not sure where you got that idea from this thread.

[TaraMaiden]

So what I get from this thread is that if I cheat, rewrite history, gaslight, lie and have no semblance of remorse, I actually get rewarded?

 

For one as obviously erudite, voluble and well-read as yourself, I'm surprised you take such a thing from this thread.

 

Could you expand on how precisely you have arrived at such a conclusion?

What, specifically in this thread - and the link within my signature - leads you to believe that?

 

I fear you are simply Jousting at windmills....

[miguelcervantes]

For one as obviously erudite, voluble and well-read as yourself, I'm surprised you take such a thing from this thread.

 

Could you expand on how precisely you have arrived at such a conclusion?

What, specifically in this thread - and the link within my signature - leads you to believe that?

 

I fear you are simply Jousting at windmills....

 

From the postings of one who would assume the name of a conniving, adulterous, incestuous and lying (although short lived) English queen.

 

Summarised as: "I cheated but life is great as a result".

[miguelcervantes]

I am part Indian and let me say this - the actual teachings of both Siddhartha Buddha and Mahavira Jina encourage some pretty anti social behaviour and thinking - and don't let me get started on some of the fundamentals of Hinduism. We have evolved in our thinking as a species - we should try not to move backwards in time.

 

Please note that I am as spiritual as they get but even the Old Testament is a pretty scary and vile place to go.

 

I am also part Middle Eastern - we seem to have touched onthe essence of Kismet (something that is held dear by the two real opposing elements in the Middle East - the Semites and the Indo-Aryans) - the discussion was covered by fate and destiny for those who are interested. I am not sure that anyone is destined to be punished for cheating or is destined to cheat - this is not the essence of kismet. It's more to do with trying to change what cannot be changed.

 

The real "instant karma" (God bless John Lennon) is that cheating causes pain - normally to both, the betrayed and the cheater. And from what I have learned from forums like this one, having been cheated on, is that without true acceptance and remorse, this pain cannot really be alleviated.

 

I'll return to my wooden box in Hyde Park Corner now - sorry for the mini rant.

[Anne Boleyn]

From the postings of one who would assume the name of a conniving, adulterous, incestuous and lying (although short lived) English queen.

 

 

Hmmm... To be fair, she was never incestuous, it was the easiest charge against a woman who an advisor to the King, who she'd threatened to undo get executed, to fabricate. It allowed him to not only remove her with one swoop, but her powerful family, who'd also surely seek revenge for her wrongful death or have her restored to the throne. The King already had a new wife in mind, a woman put before him by said advisor, so he wasn't inclined to disbelieve the charges, as he wanted her removed anyway. History nearly unanimously remembers her as wrongfully accused and convicted, therefore, faithful in her marriage.

 

The degree of her affair is also something debated. While certainly an emotional affair, it didn't turn physical until after Henry essentially married and divorced himself. So technically an affair because he had no authority to do so, but in his mind, not an affair as he gave himself the power to marry and divorce as he saw fit... Being the king and head of the newly formed church and all. In fact, her sexual and physical withholding is what made her famous, and probably the only reason she lasted so long in the King's attention.

 

Also, she was between 35 and 40 when she died, not exactly short lived for the time.

 

Anne also had the distinction of being one of the most powerful women in England, the source of a major religious movement that is still adhered to by current royals in England, and the mother of arguably one of the most famous, influential, and well-loved queens of all time.

 

I was being cheeky when I chose the forum name, but I am quite the Henry the 8th history buff and find Anne to be very fascinating.

 

Summarised as: "I cheated but life is great as a result".

 

Pretty sure I never said that if one "cheats, rewrites history, gaslights, lie, and have no semblance of remorse" they get rewarded. In fact, I don't know that I've discussed all that much the specifics of my affair so that you could even arrive at the conclusion that I did things like rewrite history or gaslight, much less described what my remorse is or isn't in the situation (though I did tell somebody that I absolutely wish I had handled things differently, which would indicate to me at least that there is an implied level of regret and remorse in the situation).

 

 

While I'm not exactly an old hat here, I am an incredibly frank and honest individual and willing to talk openly about myself, and I hope those around me do see that. If the conversations and interactions I've had here so far are an indication, I think that people do understand that about me. To that end, if you have any specific questions about me or my situation or past affair, I'd be happy to answer them privately or publicly on a thread set up in the OW forum, that doesn't hijack another thread.

 

 

To answer your statement against me that's in relation to this topic, I never said that if one cheats, they'll have a happy, great life as a result. I said that I have a happy, good life while discussing my specific life because I feel I have a good life. That doesn't mean bad things haven't happened to me, both in general and as a result of the affair. They have. But that doesn't mean that I don't have a life I view as a very good, happy one. It didn't happen overnight, it was something that happened with time, work, ups and downs... But it has happened.

 

 

Would you rather I say that I had an affair a time ago, that we both divorced our spouses, we married each other, and now we spend all day weeping in our Cheerios, wrought with regret and misery, unable to function? Do you think that's not a reasonable expectation... Because an affair is a life-changing event, but it's not a life defining one where nothing could or would happen to somebody. People have them, resolve them by ending them or getting a divorce and "legitimizing" them, but then they move on. They lead a life. And it is possible that life they lead is a good one.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Anne Boleyn