james_112 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I know this post may seem long, but I am desperately seeking some advice, and would be grateful for any suggestions you can give me. Let's start with the basics. My girlfriend and I have been together now for a year and a half. I had only previously been with one other girl and that ended in me being cheated on. I was convinced that I would never let anyone get close to me again, until my current girlfirend came along. I really liked her for a long time before we began our relationship, and so when we finally got together it was (pardon the cliché) like a dream come true. The first few months genuinely were great, it was like we were made for each-other. We spent almost everyday together, got to know each-other's families and I felt the happiest I had been for a few years. However, then came the "let's talk about the past" conversation. It was her who suggested we should talk about it, and as a pretty chilled guy, I was honest and told her I had been with one girl before and that she cheated on me. She told me she had slept with 3 other guys beforehand, but I was okay with that, as I was under no illusion that she was a virgin as practically nobody of my age is, and because I knew one of the boy's she had been with previously as he is a friend of a friend. Obviously this conversation was awkward, but afterwards I was cool with it, and decided that we should move on. We met at university, and so her life before had nothing to do with me as we didn't even know each-other existed. I expected her to feel the same, but unfortunately she was not. She became jealous, and started looking at my old Facebook messages from my ex-girlfriend and she did so with a girl who is a mutual friend of ours which I didn't particularly like. She is an insecure person to some extent, but aren't we all? She does get jealous when I see my girl friends, or if I'm texting a girl. She has asked me if I am serious about the relationship and if I have ever cheated on her, which the honest answer is no. So I guess that since then, the past has always been a bit of a touchy subject that we both try to avoid at all costs. Unfortunately, it hasn't been that easy. Despite the fact that it was her idea to talk about the past (I wouldn't have chosen to otherwise) I have found out that she had lied to me about a few things. It turns out that she has in fact slept with one other person that I didn't know about, and that she cheated on her first boyfriend with the second guy she slept with, and that she did so for 6 months, having sex with both of them at the same time. She was forced to tell me this when I caught her out when she said something that didn't sound quite right and she fully admitted to her cheating past. If I'm honest with you, I am in total shock. The girl who I love and who I have visioned a future with has kept such a horrible lie from me. I know that many people will say that I have to "grow up, move on and accept it" but I'm not sure if I can. My problem does not lie with the fact that she has been with these boys, nor even the cheating, but the fact that she lied to me for such a long time. I always thought she may be hiding something from me, but I brushed it off, thinking that I was just insecure due to my past. I trusted her with a lot of things I have never told anyone, and it is so upsetting that she didn't do the same for me. She has told me that she lied to "protect me" from knowing about how much of a bad person she was and how I have helped make her a better person - but if I'm honest, I think she was just trying to protect herself. It has made me question a few things, and whether she has more to hide. I don't like the way this relationship has made me jealous and a bit crazy like this, as I never was like this before. I would understand perhaps if I were to have asked her about the past, but it was her who so desperately wanted to talk about it, and it seems strange to me that someone who has something to hide would even want to talk about it. I don't like how I have been accused of lying and cheating either, as this clearly stems from the fact she is scare somebody may do to her what she has done to her first boyfriend before. I would like to re-iterate that I am no angry about her being with boys before me, nor the fact that she has cheated, it is just that she lied to me for such a long time about it. Due to finishing University now, both of us will be living away from each-other and I think that this will put our relationship to the test. I am scared that with her not being there, I will become more jealous and suspicious of her due to the lies and the fact that she did cheat before. I don't know what to do as to end it would be so hard for both of us, but I don't think it is fair for her and me to keep feeling so bad about things that shouldn't affect us. Since she told me last week my mind has been spinning, and I really need some advice. I know a lot of people will say "you should never have talked about the past" but unfortunately we did, and believe me I have learnt my lesson the hard way. Can I trust her again now? Is she hiding anything else? Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 The past is the past. But in the present she has spent a good deal of time lying to you and invading your personal privacy. You have reasons not to trust her and those reasons are enough to not continue the relationship. No one should stay in a relationship where they are worried about the fidelity of their partner. Only you can decide if you can trust her again... but from the way you write it doesn't seem like that is going to be worth the stress. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MrMeh Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 If it's something you can't get over after having a serious conversation with her then I would insist you end the relationship. Leaving two jealous people to deal with a relationship doesn't sound like a fantastic idea. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 hi james, sorry, but i need clarification here. what did she lie about? was it the omission of the other guy she's been with? or that she cheated? she told you that she had never cheated before? or the omission, in your book, was enough to be considered a lie? also, you say that you are not bothered by the fact that she cheated or even had other guys, but you say that, I don't like the way this relationship has made me jealous and a bit crazy like this, as I never was like this before. it sounds like you are bothered. Link to post Share on other sites
Aquanut Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 The extreme jealousy and invasion of privacy alone would be enough to make me walk. Hiding an important detail like that in your talk also shows a lack of faith in your love for her and and indicates that she hasn't accepted full responsibility for her previous cheating. Whether there has been cheating and the lessons learned is something I always discuss with partners before entering into a commitment of exclusivity. Views on cheating matter. One woman told me about an affair which I accepted. What she failed to tell me was that she had had two affairs and that she was still in contact with her second affair partner. I ended the relationship when I founf out. She accused me of breaking up with her for her past. Not so. I broke up with her because she lied to me in the present. The fact that she was still in contact with the dude made that affair part of her present. She actually never even officially broke up with the dude but he lived in another city and lost his drivers license to a DUI so they couldn't see each other anymore. She called him on a business trip to his city. I found this out through one of her friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I'm surprised that she didn't tell you right away. It's not nearly as bad as if a person who cheated on another is considering to keep it a secret, but it's still a trust issue. There's nothing like a "tried to protect you"-thing possible in a relationship, it's a trust issue. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Ask her why she would want to talk about the past then not be honest? Link to post Share on other sites
Author james_112 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 Soccerrprp My problem is that SHE wanted to talk about the past only to lie about it. She lied by saying she had told me all about her past. I am not bothered that she has been with other people, it is the fact that she is keeping things from me that is making me a bit crazy, which is what I said in the sentence straight before what you quoted. I hope you understand me a bit better now. Of course I am bothered, as I have feelings for her, and I don't like the fact that I feel like I don't know her like I thought I did. I thank everyone else for your help, I am still a bit stuck as to what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I take a little different view on this. Your not married to her. You don't have kids. This is your wake up call to get away from her. I understand the past is the past but when she opened the door to have a honest and open conversation then lied about her past that is a serious red flag. Her cheating in the past is the actual wake up call for you. I understand people will say well some people learn from there mistakes. If that was the case she would not have lied to you about it. Its your call in the end but I would seriously think twice about the relationship. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Soccerrprp My problem is that SHE wanted to talk about the past only to lie about it. She lied by saying she had told me all about her past. I am not bothered that she has been with other people, it is the fact that she is keeping things from me that is making me a bit crazy, which is what I said in the sentence straight before what you quoted. I hope you understand me a bit better now. Of course I am bothered, as I have feelings for her, and I don't like the fact that I feel like I don't know her like I thought I did. I thank everyone else for your help, I am still a bit stuck as to what to do. You were told what to do. Ask today. Ask her why she would want to talk about the past then not be honest? Link to post Share on other sites
thedmc Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'd say the constant lying about her past as well as the massive invasion of privacy would have been enough for me to leave her as well. If you can't trust her, and mind you all relationships need to have great trust between the people involved, then why be with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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