Can't Interpret Ex's Actions - Is she trying to be polite or still interested?

[Ali105]

Hi!

I've been reading the forum with much interest and wanted to share my position. I'd been going out with a girl for 2 years - we pretty well lived together. To be honest it was my first really serious relationship for some time and I'm not good at expressing my emotions.

 

We both loved each other and there was talk of buying a home together. Then work got extremely stressful and I must admit I can't have been easy to live with - lot of anxiety and stress. She did her best to make it happen but gradually she drifted from me. She never spoke about it though so it came as a shock when she suddenly ended it.

 

She was very clear she still loved me deeply and I was a fantastic guy but I needed to go find myself and who knows what the future holds - I don't know whether she was trying to be kind or just keep the door open.

 

Loads of texts etc and we met for lunch - during which it was clear we still felt extremely strongly for each other. Job situation has all worked out and I'm totally relaxed now. But she also told me she needed to see an ex to "get closure" with him. And then said this could be the best thing that happened to our relationship in that I was stress free and she would get closure.

 

Since then we've exchanged emails and she's called a couple of times - and then she runs away when it gets too friendly.

 

Perhaps I'm trying too hard to be the friends we promised each other and that pressures her - but after a couple of weeks she always contacts me again.

 

She's still with the ex but she still contacts me. Having read some threads here it would seem like the general advice would be for me to back off and not contact her. Just let her come to me in time....or not. Perhaps she is just trying to be friendly and has found happiness with her ex and all she is trying to do is be polite to me?

 

Any advice would be appreciated - thanks!

[Weird]

i say just leave her be.

 

is your username an indication of your name or hers?

[LucreziaBorgia]

She may genuinely like you and like spending time with you, and may miss you - but isn't interested in making that into a solid relationship. It sounds like she is keeping you around as a backup plan and wants to make sure you don't get too close - or too far away.

[alphamale]

My Rx is to institute NC right away and don't be friends with her in any way.

 

Give her time, she may come back but you cannot have any bearing on her decision. She has to decide by herself.

[strange love]

Um...

 

Women dont exactly enjoy stressed out freaked out guys. I dont know the full story but sure your stress at work probably caused you to snap at her.

 

My thinking is perhaps she is concerned how will you be when things get stressful again. Sure NC is great but how about looking into how you deal with stress??

[ali1051]

I know where you are coming from but actually I can't remember either of us ever snapping at the other. What we did was not talk about it.

 

I've actually seen someone about the stress and have really got on top of it - dealt with the work stuff and the underlying issues as well.

 

When we met up recently she immediately commented on how much better I looked and felt. I think I took her by surprise.

 

But she is still with her ex - even though she admits its probably not going anywhere and is for closure.

 

I think the NC route is probably the best bet for now and leave her to think about things and how she really feels.

[iceisles]

Originally posted by ali1051

I think the NC route is probably the best bet for now and leave her to think about things and how she really feels.

 

I agree. One of the hardest lessons I've learned is that saying/doing nothing is oftentimes the best thing you can do.