Amazed

[msoptimistic]

Wow, I just found this amazing discussion board 2 days ago and have not been able to stop reading your stories. For the past 18 months I have known that there had to be other people going through very similar circumstances but I never realized how similar...I could simply put my name to many of your posts and it would be story! Of course, I would love to share my story and receive feedback from people who aren't judgmental!

 

I met my MM 18 months ago very much by chance...in fact we live about 20 miles apart in 2 different small towns but had never heard of each other. I'm 46 and he is 53. I had been married about 12 years. He had been married/living together for about 3 years. So here's one zinger to this story...his wife is 28 years younger than he! Yep, competing with a younger woman!!! We had reason to be in contact for about 2 weeks but after the need to be in contact was over, we continued to text...we discussed getting together but both were hesitant for the obvious reason of being married.

 

After 8 months of contact we finally met more or less just to see if the chemistry was really there...no sex...just talking and confiding...that led to more talking and a few more meetings but again, no sex, just flirting/kissing/talking, etc. We moved on to meeting at private places where the relationship could have become physical but we still held off until about 11 months after we met...of course once you cross that line there's rarely any going back.

 

So our relationship has been a very long process...it's almost like he takes one step forward and it takes him forever to accept that step before he takes the next step. For example, we texted forever but once we met, he was ready to meet as often as possible. Kinda like he fights taking a step but once he does he's happy with the decision but then it takes forever before he's ready to consider another step!

 

So, I am not 18 months into this relationship and of course, madly deeply in love. We talk daily but we are not in the same circles so the truth of the matter is I really don't know that much about him as in his standing in the community or his reputation...just know that when I think with my head I think that I'm an intelligent woman who knows she's being played and should have the self respect to move on, but when I think with my heart, I think about the fun and love and conversation and dreams we share. I'm sincerely afraid to issue an ultimatum because I'm afraid I know the answer which should be enough incentive to move on anyway...if I know how he'll react and I'm just putting off the inevitable then I'm only hurting myself.

 

Obviously there are lots more factors and I'm more than willing to share in return for some advice on how I can move on or even better how I could get him to move on since, in all honesty, I do want him for myself!

 

Thanks in advance and thanks for sharing all your stories that make me see every side in this picture and not just what I want to see!!!

[ComingInHot]

As I read your post, I'm consumed with sadness for this situation you've placed yourself in. No one can predict the outcome BUT... from what you have written, to me, an outcome in your favor looks bleak.

I hope that you are able to somehow take a "break" from this MM for a couple weeks so you can think with that intelligent brain of yours instead of your heart.

The path you and mm are on ARE GOING TO Hurt innocent people. You can't want that can you? And what about You? And Your heart??

Guard it now so you can give it later in One piece, not pieces.

Best of luck*

[msoptimistic]

Thanks for your response...and you say everything that I know to be true...my question would be...do you walk away cold turkey or tell him you're taking a break or what? Ironically just last night my sister and brother-in-law were involved in an accident that required an ambulance trip to the ER...dawned on me that if I continue on this path I will always be going through those hard times by myself...he'll be helping her through her trials and I'll get the crumbs....do I actually say good-bye????

[Popsicle]

Welcome. It is amazing to have a place where OM and OW can come and express themselves (these feelings and questions that they can not express anywhere else) and get support and understanding from each other.

 

My exMM had a wife that was younger than me too. It really messes with your head! That made me soooo confused. We also moved at a very very slow pace like you, but that was his doing, not mine. Also confusing when he would vacillate between slow and eager.

 

I just ended mine at the almost 2 year mark because I got tired of the confusion. It's no way to live, but I am single, so I think that makes you a little bit stronger, as I have hope to find someone else one day.

Edited January 17, 2014 by Popsicle

[msoptimistic]

Thank you Popsicle...it really helps to hear what you may already know from people who have been there themselves! May I ask, do you have any regrets? Anything you wish you had done before you ended it? Is it normal to think that if I could have made him see how much I loved him, the outcome would have been different (which kinda means you failed?)? And since you had the experience of the younger wife, did you ever hope she'd just get tired of him and leave? My MM's wife wants children which he is way past wanting but I'm not sure that would be enough to make her leave her comfortable lifestyle...and do you recall the very first days after you decided it was over? Was it simply a matter of putting one foot in front of another??? Thanks in advance!

[msoptimistic]

And also one other quick question...what about the theory women get in their head that if a MM is willing to risk it all for them then it must be love? Do men in general really crave the attention and closeness that any relationship brings, not just an A? I read alot about how a man will tell you he loves you to get what he wants but then can walk away without ever looking back...if he can do that then he never really loved you to start with right? At least not the kind of love a woman wants? So how can you ever know?

 

This discussion board is the best...helps just writing out your thoughts! Keep the advice coming!

[AlwaysGrowing]

And also one other quick question...what about the theory women get in their head that if a MM is willing to risk it all for them then it must be love? Do men in general really crave the attention and closeness that any relationship brings, not just an A? I read alot about how a man will tell you he loves you to get what he wants but then can walk away without ever looking back...if he can do that then he never really loved you to start with right? At least not the kind of love a woman wants? So how can you ever know?

 

This discussion board is the best...helps just writing out your thoughts! Keep the advice coming!

 

 

As illogical as it sounds, if a WS is planning on not getting caught they aren't risking anything.

 

Yes, many men like attention, and so do many women.

 

Men, generally are better able to compartmentalize their life. So, that for them, the affair has nothing to do with their public/family life. So even though, that he might say he loves you, it is only in that compartment. Not his whole life.

[ComingInHot]

As for how to End things... it is really up to you. I know, not much help*

Maybe look at it like this, how would you want Him to end the A?

Just a hard NO OR a goodbye with a why?

[ComingInHot]

Pleeese Don't concern yourself with His Wife and why She doesn't leave. She's Not the one cheating.

Ask yourself why He doesn't leave... He's the one who KNOW what he wants and is willing to do to get it.

He may simply like what he's getting now, a comfortable home life and excitement on the side with you. He may be thinking he IS getting it exactly how he wants...

[Nothisgirl]

Thank you Popsicle...it really helps to hear what you may already know from people who have been there themselves! May I ask, do you have any regrets? Anything you wish you had done before you ended it? Is it normal to think that if I could have made him see how much I loved him, the outcome would have been different (which kinda means you failed?)? And since you had the experience of the younger wife, did you ever hope she'd just get tired of him and leave? My MM's wife wants children which he is way past wanting but I'm not sure that would be enough to make her leave her comfortable lifestyle...and do you recall the very first days after you decided it was over? Was it simply a matter of putting one foot in front of another??? Thanks in advance!

 

But if she gets fed up and leaves him, whether its because she wants children or not, would you want THAT to be what drives him to be with you full time? I think that if my exmm's wife had of kicked m out and he came running strait to me I'd always wonder if he was mine by default

 

I know, it is so so so incredibly hard and I really feel for you...xmm and i are in a limited contact stage and it is agonizing. However, the truth of the matter is that everyone has CHOICES, including me!!! so while he chooses to stay with his wife I am exercising my right to choose not to settle for less than what I am worth. (I know that sounds really brave but I'm really struggling) I just keep focusing on the REALITY, and trying to take the way I feel out of the equation..you know, use my head instead of my heart.

 

To answer your initial question, I couldn't just go NC, I had to tell him where I was at and why. But I think it all depends on each individual relationship

[msoptimistic]

Hi Nothisgirl (love that)...you are absolutely right that I should not want to be his choice because she forces his hand...unfortunately there are times I think I would take him under any circumstances because we could work it out...and I know that's wrong.

 

Also, I feel like if I tell him that its time for me to move on because I deserve better (and I do) that in the back of my mind, I'll be hoping he'll say "No, I'll do whatever it takes for us to be together." Logically I know the outcome will be negative but I can't help but think that we might be different!

 

I guess you can never know what someone else is going through until you live it yourself...I used to think women who were involved in As should just make a choice and 'live with it'....boy, was I ever wrong...this is the hardest, saddest, most depressing choice ever...to leave someone you love...I can't even imagine where to begin...can't imagine not hearing his voice....can't imagine not sharing thoughts...can't imagine not asking him about his work or sharing mine...and I sure can't imagine never hearing him say "I love you" ever again...yep, pity party going on here!

[Nothisgirl]

Hi Nothisgirl (love that)...you are absolutely right that I should not want to be his choice because she forces his hand...unfortunately there are times I think I would take him under any circumstances because we could work it out...and I know that's wrong.

 

Also, I feel like if I tell him that its time for me to move on because I deserve better (and I do) that in the back of my mind, I'll be hoping he'll say "No, I'll do whatever it takes for us to be together." Logically I know the outcome will be negative but I can't help but think that we might be different!

 

I guess you can never know what someone else is going through until you live it yourself...I used to think women who were involved in As should just make a choice and 'live with it'....boy, was I ever wrong...this is the hardest, saddest, most depressing choice ever...to leave someone you love...I can't even imagine where to begin...can't imagine not hearing his voice....can't imagine not sharing thoughts...can't imagine not asking him about his work or sharing mine...and I sure can't imagine never hearing him say "I love you" ever again...yep, pity party going on here!

 

I could have written your post..I really understand all of those thoughts. It's heartbreaking..the loss. Overwhelming almost.

 

But, I kept talking on here about how I deserved more and wanted more and how his actions weren't matching his words And a LS poster (I think it was Sunburned) pointed out to me that I too had a choice and that MY actions weren't matching MY words either. I wasn't a victim I was allowing this. I mean I Can say all day every day that I deserve and want more but until I demand it I will never get it....I'm still a work in progress..it's still incredibly difficult but ultimately I know I'm not good with being second choice.

 

Huge hugs your way

[MissTakes]

The path you and mm are on ARE GOING TO Hurt innocent people. You can't want that can you?

 

This was such a hard conclusion for me and my MM both to come to. It's not something that we've said to each other in so many words, but the last time we spoke, he told me that he was glad I moved because our A had started to reach a point where the status quo couldn't remain in place. That is to say, someone was going to get hurt: and whether it was the BS or it was me, it wasn't going to be fun for anyone involved. For my part, knowing all along that I was moving was my way of protecting myself. I always had an escape plan. What's your escape plan, though, msoptimistic? Make one for yourself, even if it doesn't feel right now like you need it or that you'll ever need it.

[CanJanus]

Of course, I would love to share my story and receive feedback from people who aren't judgmental!

 

Careful, this place is extremely judgemental, and it is almost completely anti-affair. The vast majority of posters are either former BS's, or are OW's who have been jerked around by their MM and are pissed at how it turned out, and want to "save" other people from making the same mistakes they did.

 

Anyhow, my take is as follows. Are you enjoying your time with the MM now? You are married yourself, so you are not exactly in a hurry. Savour the moments. Your MM seems to be cautious, and that is not necessarily a bad quality. Do you want to have an affair with somebody who takes needless risks? It doesn't sound like your relationship has stalled, it progresses, but it progresses slowly. Is the cure for that abandoning a nice thing? Your call I guess.

[sunburned]

Sounds like he may be having an A for the opposite reason as most men. He has a young, beautiful (presumably) wife at home, but they are probably not so compatible. He's 53 and she's 25??? That's kind of creepy. That alone sounds like a red flag. Could she possibly have been his former OW?

 

 

They probably don't have a lot in common. They probably enjoy different music, don't get each other's pop culture references, keep different hours, love different authors, etc. He says "you sound like a broken record." She doesn't know what that means. He invokes classic Seinfeld episodes. She has some vague recollection of her parents watching it. So, with you, the conversation is easier, more fun.

 

 

If she's that young, I'm also guessing they haven't been married long and similarly guessing she's not his first wife. That brings me to my final guess that he's highly unlikely to leave her.

[msoptimistic]

Wow I have tears in my eyes reading all these stories...and sunburned you are so right on it is scary...everything you said is exactly what he says...she doesnt understand him, makes him feel old, makes fun of being younger than his daughter. He has been married before..his wife died of breast cancer..the story he told me was that after her death he gave up on everything, quit his job, and started drinking...it was in that partying scene that he met her and he says he was just tired of being alone (this was about 5 years after wife's passing). After reading these stories I did get a little more brave calling his hand in a conversation yesterday...he hasnt communicated with me at all today...maybe the end has begun but its awfully hard to sit here and type with shaky hands and teary eyes! Oh and I might add that the first time we met they had only been married one month...should have been a major red flag huh? Its amazing what the heart can get you into...just hope the rest of me is strong enough to get me out! It really does help to"say" all this...thank you all so so much?