LeftAlone83 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hello LS, It's me again. Today's question pertains to after you've healed from your A. Did you find it difficult to get back into dating after ending your A?? Were you constantly comparing prospective partners to your AP?? I have a long way to go before my heart would be ready to start dating again.. but I am afraid that I've created this unreachable standard in my mind of what I want because of my AP. Did anyone else struggle with that?? And how did you finally get over it?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeftAlone83 Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 I just don't want to find myself married to a man in the future, and be secretly resentful because he's not my exAP. ? I'm afraid I'll always wonder "what might have been".. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dandelions35 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I am wondering the same thing. The intensity of the A has become my new normal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) Hello LS, It's me again. Today's question pertains to after you've healed from your A. Did you find it difficult to get back into dating after ending your A?? Were you constantly comparing prospective partners to your AP?? I have a long way to go before my heart would be ready to start dating again.. but I am afraid that I've created this unreachable standard in my mind of what I want because of my AP. Did anyone else struggle with that?? And how did you finally get over it?? My exAP happened to be really compatible with me and I definitely think he is in my "group of ones", but in terms of moving on, it was like any other break up, for a while all you do is compare until you meet someone you genuinely like who has many of the qualities and connection you're looking for. I do think we have a bit of control over this and I do think it is possible to allow yourself to idealize this person and put them on a pedestal thus making yourself stuck..but you're stuck based on idealization and not really 100% reality. What helped me to put things in perspective after all break ups is to gush on paper about all I loved about them then also write down their flaws and ways in which we weren't a good match and what I would want from a future partner that they fell short in. I did this several times to keep things in perspective, as it is easy to have amnesia or be blind to the flaws and ways in which they might not be that great and just focus on the intense feelings and the good aspects and then elevate that on a pedestal, which can indeed make no one else match up...but keeping sight of the good AND bad and the ways in which you could do better helps to keep things in perspective and to be open to new people who may be better matches in some ways and in ways that count. Edited January 16, 2014 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think our "ideal" is having someone "rush" us. Meaning that they declare themselves almost obsessive with our personality, our thoughts, our desires, quickly. In reality, most of the people that we join with in such a "rush" aren't good for us. Relationships that have strength and endurance usually build slowly in getting to know one another, etc. That type of build-up doesn't have the same intensity and heat to it, at least in the beginning, for two single people. Married people have commitments that single people don't have. Just for starters a married person has their immediate family priorities, their birth family priorities, their in-law family priorities and their extended family priorities - on both sides. Their time is limited so they must make their intentions known in a short perior of time. Or, they must dip into the emotionally available pool of their social circle, where they have an already established relationship, on some level. Single people can take their time and decide whom they choose to be as their most desireable partner. There's a lot of frogs to be kissed before they are determined to be princes/princesses. Many are tossed aside for what ever reason whereas the married partner has to pick quick and pick from the readily available pool. It makes the whole dating scene, as a single person, to be rather isolating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I'm hoping that once the affair fog lifts it won't seem so intense and wonderful and that at that point a NORMAL, HEALTHY relationship with a single man will be more fulfilling than this quasi r with someone who can't (won't) give me his all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissTakes Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I think the other thing I'm struggling with as I try to start dating again post-A is that it's something I don't want to talk about with the guys I'm dating. I mean, is telling him that I used to be an OW first date material? Fourth? Link to post Share on other sites
Nothisgirl Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I think the other thing I'm struggling with as I try to start dating again post-A is that it's something I don't want to talk about with the guys I'm dating. I mean, is telling him that I used to be an OW first date material? Fourth? Totally get this...my answer is never...I mean I certainly don't want to know anyone else's FULL dating history...And I don't want to share mine either I don't think. I suppose those feelings could change if. Meet someone I really trust Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I compared guys to AP for a long time because I wasn't ready. But I knew if I just sat around pining for him I would never be ready so I forced myself out there. I went on some dating sites and made myself meet guys who I had even the smallest amount in common with. I approached as just a way to meet new people not necessarily for dating. I still chat with some of them and I even dated a few until I met the guy I've been with for the last bit of my life. Dating can be super awkward and weird, and as a former AP you are used to amazing connection and chemistry, you might have to fake it until you make it. Just take the pressure off of it and think of it as a way to make new friends, go new places, and try new things. Also, don't discuss the OW thing at all unless specifically asked about it. My opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
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