sugarpea Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) So been really late with this nc thing 1 yr after 6yr r BU. So after he came back from her's ldr. He called me day 2 re. my items that I really don't care about anymore. Then about a week later he touches base asks how i am and if i want to grab a coffee sometime. I decided not to play games because I really feel that I don't need or want him in my life anymore, all he adds is pain. He wasn't there for me during the relationship so I really don't think he will be there as a friend. Just kept it friendly said I was busy and that er maybe some other time. He then texts me telling me he misses our friendship (as if we were friends - we were never just friends), and that he misses me being in his life and that the offer is there if I ever want to. Part of me feels like telling him to F* Off and telling it to him straight that no I don't want to be friends and any chance of any type of relationship that we could have had ended the moment he went with her. In my heart he practically cheated on me. We were still fwb when he was hitting on her and he knew I still loved him at that point he just took advantage of that. The other part just thinks I should just leave it and wait till it drags out just so he can see how he likes it, to be led on. At the moment I have no intention of being his friend. Not after the way he treated me, both in and out of the relationship. I deserve better. I am strong but really I am not going to sacrifice myself for his bloody happiness again. I don't know maybe if he wasn't with her then it would be better I really don't want to hear about her at all. He must have something mentally wrong with him to think he can have it all to f** me up and be with this girl and have a friendship with me after all the sh* he put me through. Just hate that he contacts now, it's like ex's have radars on doing things at the worst possible point in time. BU's, contacting us and all the other annoying things they do. Edited January 16, 2014 by sugarpea Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 Don't respond to his text. Block his number so he cannot contact you again. He's likely getting in touch because he doesn't want to feel like a bad guy. It's an understandable impulse, but it will ultimately lead to more toxicity. If you engage with him at all, he's going to try to make you look like the bad guy so he doesn't feel so bad. Just block, ignore, move on. You' have nothing to prove to him. Protect yourself from interactions like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I understand the impulse to drag him out, but it's not going to have the effect you wish it did. Instead, he'll tell everyone, Oh, yeah, I'm still friends with my ex." And like the prior poster said, redeem himself. But the main reason I wouldn't drag it out is you, not him. Just get him out of your life so you can more easily move on and not be drug down by all that negative crap every time you get reminded he's still a parasite on this earth. I've been in situations where I COULDN'T not be polite and believe me I would take every opportunity to make the clean break when it's possible, and here it's possible. Tell him in one brief e-mail you don't feel kindly enough toward him to want to be friends or anything else ever again and not to contact you anymore, then block his number if he persists. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarpea Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 The thing is I don't know, I know it sounds so stupid but at the moment I just don't want him in my life at all and it's mainly because of her. I can't be his friend because he might talk about her, I might even see her! But he's not like the other guys that people talk about on LS. I know I sound a bit brainwashed but he doesn't want to hurt me but the thing is it does come across as selfish - he doesn't ask, he just assumes and does what he thinks is right, only it's usually the wrong thing to do. I don't know about future. I think if he changed then there would be potential but he hasn't. What he's doing with her is just immature and it's like he's living life backwards and he's just so weak, if he were strong he wouldn't be dragged into a relationship he'd be independent and free, like he wanted doing his own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 16, 2014 Share Posted January 16, 2014 I think you should lose him completely, he is not good for you lead him on, you say, I say, let him fool himself, but be careful - choose you battles with care - if he thinks you are being vengeful, he might start being horribler, hard to handle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarpea Posted January 16, 2014 Author Share Posted January 16, 2014 (edited) Went and reminded how much I hate him, yeah it's not going to work. He's doing things for her he never did for me with what 0 money he has apparently. So yeah.... what to say ...hmm be polite goodbye and goodluck or be harsh and tell him the truth that it ended the moment he betrayed me. I really don't care either way f*** them. Edited January 17, 2014 by sugarpea 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I think if he changed then there would be potential but he hasn't.. Good life lesson. Never, ever, ever count on someone to change. Either who they are is good enough, or it isn't. You can't make plans contingent on someone becoming different than they are. Because you have no control over that. The more you talk about him here, the clearer it seems to me that you need distance from this guy, for your sake. You work on you, and be only around supportive, loving people. There's simply no reason to force a friendship with this ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Look, it's a human frailty that most of us endow a love interest with a lot of the traits we admire whether they have done anything to earn that and shown us who they are or not. That's why we think they'll change. It's human nature to think that most people follow the same way of thinking that we do, believe the same things are right or logical -- but it couldn't be further from the truth. Everyone is different. Don't wait for him to wake up and make sense. Like the prior posters said, people rarely ever change that much. When they do, it's usually something life altering like losing a child or being near death. We project more onto a person that is usually there, and who it's hard to break up with is the ideal in our head. Try to just look at the situation objectively, and I know you are sometimes able to, and see him in the stark light of day for who he is. Rarely is anyone all good or all bad, but the better among us try to temper our dark side by making the decision not to unduly hurt people we care about, or people in general. It is what it is: A guy who wants both women. I hate to say it, but that's a lot of men....not the exception to the rule. But a really good person will resist hurting those they love. If they don't, then they don't know what love is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarpea Posted January 18, 2014 Author Share Posted January 18, 2014 So I've basically told him no to being friends. I'm not sure he would have been a good friend anyway. I mean he sticks up for me but was never there for me in our relationship, plus the added aspect of her which I'm still not cool with. I did the right thing right? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Yes, you did the right thing. At some point you have to look at a situation for what it really is or has become and just ask if this is good enough. Why keep someone around who doesn't treat you right? Invest your time in meeting other people who care more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarpea Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Then why do I feel so s*** about it. Just feels like breaking up all over again. Ahh seriously why the f*** do humans have to have an innate need to procreate really would have been fine without all this f****** love business. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sugarpea Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 (edited) So basically decided not to be friends with my ex, only he took it badly and took it as never, whereas I meant not any time soon. Anyway he has closed off all contact with me and told me to not even contact his family anymore. I think he's mad at me or trying to get the power back. I don't know. I am friends with his family and they are fine with me being round, so really he can't do that right? Also is it likely that they contact you later? It's just I don't want to lose him forever but really I can't be around him when he's with her I'm not totally over him and really I think it's not really fair that he's asking me to be friends with him right now when I'm just not ready. Maybe I should have just continued with nc and ignored him, maybe that would have been better but thought he would prefer to know what's happening. Apparently not. Edited January 19, 2014 by sugarpea Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 Point blank- Gain peace, you are not ready to be a supportive friend. No harm in knowing that, it sets you on a new path and resolves the mystery of what if. Some folks take a lifetime to learn what a true friend is and how to be one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Hate to break the news, but you really can't break off with him and still be friends with his family. It's too messy, and it's putting them in a weird spot. And you're right, he is just mad he lost control, but that's the very reason you were right to end it. Please do yourself a favor and just move on. I get the feeling he will get away with as much as you will tolerate -- so don't put up with it or it will just get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
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