suspecting that my wife cheated 15 years ago

[Fluttershy]

My spouse would accuse me.

 

He was the cheater. Not me.

 

That happens all the time.

 

No one is saying it doesn't. The point is... It also happens a lot without cheating. It can happen because a spouse is behaving suspicious. Or their "gut" says a spouse is cheating. Or they have paranoa. Or someone told them they "saw something" or... Or... Or... This guy does not have a big red flag because

 

1 his wife lied three times

2. His gut says she is cheated

3. She has asked him if he cheated

 

She may have cheated but with his awesome super sluething skills he should have found more than that.

[HermioneG]

No one is saying it doesn't. The point is... It also happens a lot without cheating. It can happen because a spouse is behaving suspicious. Or their "gut" says a spouse is cheating. Or they have paranoa. Or someone told them they "saw something" or... Or... Or... This guy does not have a big red flag because

 

1 his wife lied three times

2. His gut says she is cheated

3. She has asked him if he cheated

 

She may have cheated but with his awesome super sluething skills he should have found more than that.

 

Yes.

 

I totally understand this.

 

I am unsure how I lent the impression that I thought otherwise?

 

I think this guy is looking for any reason he can find to cheat on his wife. And I did not want Road's insistence that the gut is always right to be listened to, nor did I wish for Jane's most excellent point to get ignored.

 

You should maybe focus your response on someone else. Not me. I agree with you. LOL

[LeGenDary_Man]

This is very upsetting. You have no right to question your wife about something that may or may not have happened many years ago. In fact, if you want to be salacious about it, if she did cheat and if he did open her to all sorts of "new" sexual experiences, you owe him thanks and gratitude because YOU are the one who benefited from it.

This is extremely pathetic POV.

 

 

BS should be thankful to OM for unlocking the wildest sexual aspects of their wives? Seriously?

 

 

And OP have 100% right to question any aspect of the relationship dynamic with his wife. He is the husband, not some outsider.

 

 

If something is bothering OP, his wife have the responsibility to address his concerns. Same goes for the opposite.

[Fluttershy]

Yes.

 

I totally understand this.

 

I am unsure how I lent the impression that I thought otherwise?

 

I think this guy is looking for any reason he can find to cheat on his wife. And I did not want Road's insistence that the gut is always right to be listened to, nor did I wish for Jane's most excellent point to get ignored.

 

You should maybe focus your response on someone else. Not me. I agree with you. LOL

 

 

I'm sorry. I thought your post was affirming road's assertion that because OP's wife accused him/questioned him about cheating it is a red flag she really did cheat.

[LeGenDary_Man]

pteromom, you are extremely intelligent and, again, what you say comes quite close to my line of thoughts...

 

Let me briefly acknowledge your point.

 

For 20 y. together and 19 y. marriage, my wife is known to be honest and a woman of principles, nearly always and in every domain, probably even too much to be true.

 

She is always ready to express unpopular opinions when she thinks they are the right ones, or to defend the weak.

 

Even sometimes to the point of becoming too rigid/inflexible when flexibility is necessary to move on.

 

However, there have been 3 exceptions:

 

1. The most drastic one: 3 y. ago she has been a leader of an evaluation panel concerning her colleague (don't ask me about conflict of interests). She (admittedly) twisted info, flexed the process, practically intimidated other members of the panel (also her colleagues but lower in the hierarchy and thus susceptive of influence) and pushed thing to a disastrous result for the guy's career (he never recovered professionally and economically).

 

This is not my private opinion but what my wife shared with me (we are professionally close and share nearly everything), she had some remorses, but said the guy was a bad competitor, and that it was or him or her (i don't agree), and that the jungle principle applies (I agree even less, never told her so directly, but expressed serious concern).

 

To say that I was shaken and appalled would be to underestimate my feelings.

If somebody would tell me this story about my wife I'd never believe it, not once in a billion years in billion different universes.

 

I am not known as guy of so rock MUCH solid principles AS my wife, but I could not imagine myself doing such thing, especially when unprovoked, and then happily go to sleep.

 

2. Once (7 y. ago), my wife lied about a financial issue (a very considerable amount) in order to protect (the pride of) her mum. Her parents separated when she was 3 y. old, she lived with her mother (a very conservative woman). She never apologized for this lie, I left the things as they were, not bothering her more about that (I don't depend on this money, and don't like to fight with my partner about money).

 

3. 8 y. ago, there was a guy who liked her very much (again a colleague) and was pressing very much for her attention. I knew about that, but it was calm, I knew the guy was not her "type", she was not really interested.

There was a conference abroad she was attending, I asked if the guy was going too, she said that he was not. (I was not concerned that she would want to cheat, just thinking about her comfort and security). I checked with the hotel, he was there. When she came back, I asked, was he there? Answer was "No, not at all". I told her I knew, she never fell on her back, saying that she lied just not to upset me, and protested that I investigated her. Again, no scandal, no fight, case friendly closed.

 

No concerns, again, I'm sure she never would have done anything with this guy, the problem is that she lied with elegance and spontaneity, and at the end I was the culprit.

 

So, pteromom, what do you think in the context of your last post.

Is my wife who is 99.9% of her time a happy combination of Mother Theresa and Jean d'Ark capable of cheating JUST once, ONLY once.... certainly not more than once.

This is indeed a bothersome history.

 

Your wife is highly arrogant and a proven liar. What else she had been hiding from you?

 

No. 3 is a serious RED FLAG.

 

You SHOULD BE concerned. Also, I am surprised why you let these developments slide away. Their should be accountability of bad behavior and your wife gets away with everything. When you question her bad behavior, she just shuts you down. Sorry, this is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

Edited January 20, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[KMA]

This is indeed a bothersome history.

 

Your wife is highly arrogant and a proven liar. What else she had been hiding from you?

 

No. 3 is a serious RED FLAG.

 

You SHOULD BE concerned. Also, I am surprised why you let these developments slide away. Their should be accountability of bad behavior and your wife gets away with everything. When you question her bad behavior, she just shuts you down. Sorry, this is not a healthy relationship dynamic.

 

Yes, No.3 is symptomatic, that's why I described it. It also shows, it's not everything my paranoia. Actually, No.1 is symptomatic too, although it's not related to marriage/sex ... You know what, after No.3 happened, it certainly increased my suspicion in the 15 y. old possibility of cheating. Logics go this way, if she is capable of No.1 and No.3, what more she was capable of?

[KMA]

This is extremely pathetic POV.

 

 

BS should be thankful to OM for unlocking the wildest sexual aspects of their wives? Seriously?

 

 

And OP have 100% right to question any aspect of the relationship dynamic with his wife. He is the husband, not some outsider.

 

 

If something is bothering OP, his wife have the responsibility to address his concerns. Same goes for the opposite.

 

LeGenDary_Man, Thanks for the remark. I haven't taken seriously the suggestion that I should be thankful to the OM for his stimulating effect on the sexual openness of my wife...That's not only arrogant but simply ridiculous...

[KMA]

What can I say?

 

My Irish-Italian father both charms and aggresses to disarm people.

It brings out the tendency in me to cut through the fat.

 

The issue still flags:

You are actively seeking a 15 year old potential affair.

You have stated that your result if you find it will not change your relationship, except for one thing: you will cheat without remorse.

 

Now how can you predict that you would be able to cheat "without remorse" even?

Most people who are average folk with average expectations feel uncomfortable with the idea of cheating to the point of repugnance. And spousal betrayal to be devastating.

 

But here you sit with a potential target. Now why would you even know it has potential without it being brought up between the two of you?

Or is it a fantasy?

 

You seem almost ready to relieve yourself of the "burden of proof."

 

This is inconsistent with your claim that you believe in "absolute love and fidelity."

 

Or does that only apply to yourself?

 

And lastly, there are two particular stimuli that can increase orgasms (and emotional results in women too). (Thanks "Sexual Secrets")

 

1. When a man or woman suspects their mate is cheating (see: hysterical bonding)

2. When a spouse has been absent for a time.

 

I myself have experienced both.

 

The reconnection must have been phenomenal for you both. And possibly if you suspected her of cheating you were probably having pretty intense sex which may have heightened the experience for her.

 

In fact, cuckholding as a fetish is not about a man being "degraded" as much as some males have gotten hooked on the "dopamine reward" of going through the cheating anxiety of watching another man with his wife and then having a more intense orgasm (due to sperm competition)

(But seriously, don't play with fire here).

 

OK, I cannot predict that even if I found she cheated I'll be happy to cheat even less without remorse, and if I do, it will probably hurt;

HAPPY, dreamingoftigers?

 

And I'm not ready to relieve myself of the "burden of proof". No, no. It will make me a banal cheater, and I'm not, both emotionally, and by rational choice

 

Now, concerning hysterical bonding and how suspicion increases orgasms, I admit it (at least for myself, I know it contributes, bringing a bitter-sweet feeling So finally I have some similarities with you dreamingoftigers ;

for my wife I don't know, she shares what she likes in sex but never her fantasies).

[pteromom]

I admit 3 faults

1. I tend to obsessions and investigations (can make enormous effort to know the truth, not only in love)

 

Why? What do you gain by obsessing and investigating? Do you get a "high" when you find some piece of evidence? I am very concerned about your obsession over obsessing.

 

2. I believe in absolute love and absolute fidelity (obvious fault, you can laugh :-)

 

No you don't. If this was true, you wouldn't be saying that you would use her possible infidelity from 15 years ago as an excuse to cheat guilt-free any time you want. Because being faithful isn't about the other person. It's about being true to your own integrity and values. If fidelity is one of your values, you wouldn't be able to cheat without immense guilt. Hell, you wouldn't be able to cheat period, because you would feel you were selling out your character.

 

3. I can't settle for anything else than beautiful partner (and can do anything for her saker, as it's the case with my wife) and for anything else than beautiful objects surrounding me (a big, big fault, I know, but what I can do, I'm 75% Italian, it's a cultural thing you know... go and see Sorrento, go and drive a Maserati, go and speak ITALIAN).... sorry for getting too romantic :-)

 

Yet you are willing to risk letting her go. What do you think she is going to do when she finds out about your investigations? When she finds out the level of your obsession over what happened 15 years ago? If she leaves, you will have lost your beautiful partner.

 

As far as the three examples of her dishonesty, I find it interesting that you can count them off so readily. I do not know if your wife is capable of cheating. But it sounds like you have a great relationship and that you are very fortunate. For some reason, you can't accept that, and want to create trouble where there is none. You need to find out WHY, so you can stop doing it.

 

I still recommend professional help.

[sidney2718]

This is extremely pathetic POV.

 

BS should be thankful to OM for unlocking the wildest sexual aspects of their wives? Seriously?

 

And OP have 100% right to question any aspect of the relationship dynamic with his wife. He is the husband, not some outsider.

 

If something is bothering OP, his wife have the responsibility to address his concerns. Same goes for the opposite.

 

The OP can treat his wife any way he wants. The question is what is moral and what is fair. The OP has no proof that his wife cheated. Indeed, he wrote:

 

During this time my wife had both reason to cheat (rapidly deteriorating relationship) and opportunity (her job and her former boyfriend's job were nearly at the same place; even way home was the same direction:-) I know (not any secret, told by third parties), for instance, that they have had lunches together many times, alone or with other colleagues.

That's the evidence. Strong, isn't it? Based on that you want the OP to sit his wife down and grill her about what happened all those years ago. He wants the truth. Of course, if she did not cheat and say so, he won't accept that as truth, and many folks here will support him telling him that WW's always lie. So all he will accept is a statement from her that she did cheat.

 

And what will he do with this information? Divorce her? NO! He'll use the information to allow himself to have an affair or affairs.

 

Think about this. Does it sound fair? Or moral?

 

I'll tell you what I think the OP should do. He should get help either from an IC or a psychiatrist. And he should do it quickly since this is building to a head in him.

 

Before anyone gets outraged at what I've written, the OP should have had a confrontation with his wife at the time. She could then realize who she had married and it would have given her a chance to find someone else to have a life with. The OP forgets that no matter what happened, his wife chose HIM over the other man. And this is her reward?

 

As for what she may or may not have learned about sex during any relationship with a man (or woman), that is today part of her and who she is. The OP has benefited from that experience, like it or not.

[LeGenDary_Man]

The OP can treat his wife any way he wants. The question is what is moral and what is fair. The OP has no proof that his wife cheated. Indeed, he wrote:

 

That's the evidence. Strong, isn't it? Based on that you want the OP to sit his wife down and grill her about what happened all those years ago. He wants the truth. Of course, if she did not cheat and say so, he won't accept that as truth, and many folks here will support him telling him that WW's always lie. So all he will accept is a statement from her that she did cheat.

 

And what will he do with this information? Divorce her? NO! He'll use the information to allow himself to have an affair or affairs.

 

Think about this. Does it sound fair? Or moral?

 

I'll tell you what I think the OP should do. He should get help either from an IC or a psychiatrist. And he should do it quickly since this is building to a head in him.

 

Before anyone gets outraged at what I've written, the OP should have had a confrontation with his wife at the time. She could then realize who she had married and it would have given her a chance to find someone else to have a life with. The OP forgets that no matter what happened, his wife chose HIM over the other man. And this is her reward?

 

As for what she may or may not have learned about sex during any relationship with a man (or woman), that is today part of her and who she is. The OP has benefited from that experience, like it or not.

Maybe, you need to focus a bit on some additional disclosures from OP:

 

However, there have been 3 exceptions:

 

1. The most drastic one: 3 y. ago she has been a leader of an evaluation panel concerning her colleague (don't ask me about conflict of interests). She (admittedly) twisted info, flexed the process, practically intimidated other members of the panel (also her colleagues but lower in the hierarchy and thus susceptive of influence) and pushed thing to a disastrous result for the guy's career (he never recovered professionally and economically).

 

This is not my private opinion but what my wife shared with me (we are professionally close and share nearly everything), she had some remorses, but said the guy was a bad competitor, and that it was or him or her (i don't agree), and that the jungle principle applies (I agree even less, never told her so directly, but expressed serious concern).

 

To say that I was shaken and appalled would be to underestimate my feelings.

If somebody would tell me this story about my wife I'd never believe it, not once in a billion years in billion different universes.

 

I am not known as guy of so rock MUCH solid principles AS my wife, but I could not imagine myself doing such thing, especially when unprovoked, and then happily go to sleep.

 

2. Once (7 y. ago), my wife lied about a financial issue (a very considerable amount) in order to protect (the pride of) her mum. Her parents separated when she was 3 y. old, she lived with her mother (a very conservative woman). She never apologized for this lie, I left the things as they were, not bothering her more about that (I don't depend on this money, and don't like to fight with my partner about money).

 

3. 8 y. ago, there was a guy who liked her very much (again a colleague) and was pressing very much for her attention. I knew about that, but it was calm, I knew the guy was not her "type", she was not really interested.

There was a conference abroad she was attending, I asked if the guy was going too, she said that he was not. (I was not concerned that she would want to cheat, just thinking about her comfort and security). I checked with the hotel, he was there. When she came back, I asked, was he there? Answer was "No, not at all". I told her I knew, she never fell on her back, saying that she lied just not to upset me, and protested that I investigated her. Again, no scandal, no fight, case friendly closed.

 

OP's wife have history of being dishonest, deceitful, arrogant and have no issue with hurting others. If she have gotten away with cheating 15 years ago, it is possible that she have had other flings and covered her tracks well. No. 3 disclosure is a RED FLAG, No. 1 disclosure is also bothersome.

 

OP's suspicion is not misplaced in the light of history of questionable behavior of his wife. It is time for OP's wife to address his concerns or this marriage is likely to derail.

 

Time based argument is illogical (she had been with you for 19 years, doesn't it counts? To hell with what it counts. What counts is she had been honest and faithful to him or not).

 

Let us pile up the events that have contributed to growth of OP's "suspicion bubble" with passage of time:

 

1. When OP was away for 9 months, his wife had been spending time with her EX.

2. When OP returned, his wife suddenly turned out to be a SEX GURU when she was not before.

3. Additional bothersome history (3 events mentioned above).

 

All of these developments have begun to bother OP which is not a surprising development. OP needs to set things straight with his wife now.

 

@OP (KMA)

 

Do not let this matter slide away, this "suspicion bubble" that is building inside you is going to lead you astray. Confront your wife and set things straight. Her reactions will show you how much committed she really is. Also, MC should be on the cards. IC will not solve this problem, MC would be more satisfactory development because your wife needs to own up her bad behavior and address your concerns to your utmost satisfaction.

Edited January 21, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[janedoe67]

That's right road. I'm a full on sl*t with no redeeming value. Preach it brother!

 

OP, your wife cheated on you, and as such, it is fine for you to do whatever you want. She did it first....she will always be less.

 

Always

 

To everyone

 

Get out and get some booty and show that little tramp who's boss

[sidney2718]

Maybe, you need to focus a bit on some additional disclosures from OP:

 

OP's wife have history of being dishonest, deceitful, arrogant and have no issue with hurting others. If she have gotten away with cheating 15 years ago, it is possible that she have had other flings and covered her tracks well. No. 3 disclosure is a RED FLAG, No. 1 disclosure is also bothersome.

 

OP's suspicion is not misplaced in the light of history of questionable behavior of his wife. It is time for OP's wife to address his concerns or this marriage is likely to derail.

 

Time based argument is illogical (she had been with you for 19 years, doesn't it counts? To hell with what it counts. What counts is she had been honest and faithful to him or not).

 

Let us pile up the events that have contributed to growth of OP's "suspicion bubble" with passage of time:

 

1. When OP was away for 9 months, his wife had been spending time with her EX.

2. When OP returned, his wife suddenly turned out to be a SEX GURU when she was not before.

3. Additional bothersome history (3 events mentioned above).

 

All of these developments have begun to bother OP which is not a surprising development. OP needs to set things straight with his wife now.

 

@OP (KMA)

 

Do not let this matter slide away, this "suspicion bubble" that is building inside you is going to lead you astray. Confront your wife and set things straight. Her reactions will show you how much committed she really is. Also, MC should be on the cards. IC will not solve this problem, MC would be more satisfactory development because your wife needs to own up her bad behavior and address your concerns to your utmost satisfaction.

 

Yes, I know about those. The first two of your points were made in the original post on this thread. The third is more problematic. I've been on "evaluation boards" too. Many in fact. Folks almost always tilt their opinions for non-objective reasons such as "I don't think I can get along with that person" or "My boss prefers this candidate and I think it would be beneficial to go along with his view."

 

Nobody has led a "lie-free" life. We have all shaded the truth in one way or another many times. None of those things are a red flag for me.

 

I find the characterization of his wife

 

OP's wife have history of being dishonest, deceitful, arrogant and have no issue with hurting others.

a little strong. Who here has never lied to a spouse, spent more buying something and didn't tell the spouse about the full cost. As for arrogant, that made me laugh as did "hurting others".

 

I'm not so quick to blame the wife in this case. If after almost 20 years of marriage those are the only things the OP can come up with, I'm sure that many here would feel that he's lucky to have such a good marriage.

 

But I will say again that the OP should have challenged his wife AT THE TIME, not 15 years down the road.

[Owl]

Haven't read the whole thread, but wanted to throw the OP my thoughts.

 

OK...so. What are you going to do now?

 

Decide...if you definitevly find out that she never cheated...what do you do differently today? What changes, based on that knowledge? What if you find out she DID cheat all those years ago...what do you do differently today?

 

What does having 'proof' change for today, one way or another for you?

 

Will you leave her if you get proof? Or will you decide it was in the past, and drive on? What if you don't EVER get proof...how will you deal with that? What will that change if you consider it?

 

Bottom line...she's still the same person you've spent these years with. If you can't live with her because of what happened then...you may as well go ahead and divorce her now, regardless of proof. You're likely to never get proof one way or another.

 

So...you'll either have to learn to live with what you've got...or end it now.

 

That's really what you're facing.

[HermioneG]

Remember jane,

 

If a spouse changes their favorite dessert from blackberry cobbler to cherry cobbler it means that they are inconsistent, have cheated and will cheat.

 

If they speed in traffic or lie about how much that shirt they really wanted cost: they are probably serial cheaters.

 

I used to like apple cobbler.

 

I have converted to peach.

 

Clearly, I am not to be trusted.

 

But I am kind of hungry.

[road]

That's right road. I'm a full on sl*t with no redeeming value. Preach it brother!

 

OP, your wife cheated on you, and as such, it is fine for you to do whatever you want. She did it first....she will always be less.

 

Always

 

To everyone

 

Get out and get some booty and show that little tramp who's boss

 

 

 

 

 

Somebody having a bad week?

 

 

Somebody can't take a little ribbing mixed in with a different point of view?

 

 

I disagree though do not hate you.

[road]

That's right road. I'm a full on sl*t with no redeeming value. Preach it brother!

 

OP, your wife cheated on you, and as such, it is fine for you to do whatever you want. She did it first....she will always be less.

 

Always

 

To everyone

 

Get out and get some booty and show that little tramp who's boss

 

 

 

I do not advocate RA's.

[road]

Remember jane,

 

If a spouse changes their favorite dessert from blackberry cobbler to cherry cobbler it means that they are inconsistent, have cheated and will cheat.

 

If they speed in traffic or lie about how much that shirt they really wanted cost: they are probably serial cheaters.

 

 

 

 

 

Without a doubt. Another red flag is when they order things in a diner they always want every thing on the side.

[KMA]

Yes, I know about those. The first two of your points were made in the original post on this thread. The third is more problematic. I've been on "evaluation boards" too. Many in fact. Folks almost always tilt their opinions for non-objective reasons such as "I don't think I can get along with that person" or "My boss prefers this candidate and I think it would be beneficial to go along with his view."

 

Nobody has led a "lie-free" life. We have all shaded the truth in one way or another many times. None of those things are a red flag for me.

 

I find the characterization of his wife

 

a little strong. Who here has never lied to a spouse, spent more buying something and didn't tell the spouse about the full cost. As for arrogant, that made me laugh as did "hurting others".

 

I'm not so quick to blame the wife in this case. If after almost 20 years of marriage those are the only things the OP can come up with, I'm sure that many here would feel that he's lucky to have such a good marriage.

 

But I will say again that the OP should have challenged his wife AT THE TIME, not 15 years down the road.

 

 

I partially agree, that no real person is ideal, and that these stories are serious but not extremely bad: that's one reason I haven't confront my wife directly...

 

But, I cited those three problematic stories as illustration, a preoccupying illustration, they don't have direct connection with the cheating suspicion, yet they show personality and character, and inclination.... MOREOVER, my wife is very proud by and convinced in in her image of HONEST and person of principles (these stories illustrate that image is for the external world, I know a bit better, not that she is unreliable or superficial, absolutely the opposite, still things pop up and when you relate them to the 15 years old story, they have at least partial relevance.

[KMA]

The OP can treat his wife any way he wants. The question is what is moral and what is fair. The OP has no proof that his wife cheated. Indeed, he wrote:

 

That's the evidence. Strong, isn't it? Based on that you want the OP to sit his wife down and grill her about what happened all those years ago. He wants the truth. Of course, if she did not cheat and say so, he won't accept that as truth, and many folks here will support him telling him that WW's always lie. So all he will accept is a statement from her that she did cheat.

 

And what will he do with this information? Divorce her? NO! He'll use the information to allow himself to have an affair or affairs.

 

It's not the central point, really. I am not searching a justification for an affair or more.... that's a troublesome way to justify an affair, don't you think, I'm interested in the TRUTH, that a painful truth can (or cannot) result in an affair (or more affairs) is secondary!

 

Think about this. Does it sound fair? Or moral?

 

 

Possibly, it's not, but it's also not moral to cheat, only difference is time scale, cheating happened in the past and possible affair can happen (I repeat, conditioned to solid evidence) in the future.... temporal scale can't decide wht is moral and what isn't, and what is less moral.

 

 

I'll tell you what I think the OP should do. He should get help either from an IC or a psychiatrist. And he should do it quickly since this is building to a head in him.

 

Before anyone gets outraged at what I've written, the OP should have had a confrontation with his wife at the time. She could then realize who she had married and it would have given her a chance to find someone else to have a life with. The OP forgets that no matter what happened, his wife chose HIM over the other man. And this is her reward?

 

 

I let go at that time 15 y. ago (or simply left the situation pending) since I was overwhelmed by passion, and I haven't investigated enough (admit, it would be easier then), so haven't had solid evidence. Currently, I would confront her only with solid evidence, without that I will only harm myself in a most naive way, I'll not do it.

Edited January 21, 2014 by KMA

[KMA]

@OP (KMA)

 

Do not let this matter slide away, this "suspicion bubble" that is building inside you is going to lead you astray. Confront your wife and set things straight. Her reactions will show you how much committed she really is. Also, MC should be on the cards. IC will not solve this problem, MC would be more satisfactory development because your wife needs to own up her bad behavior and address your concerns to your utmost satisfaction.

 

I don't intend to let it slide away. But to confront my wife, I need a solid evidence, don't you think? Anything else would provide her with an enormous advantage (look at many of the posts here) which goes this way - I'd be the paranoid investigator/inquisitor, collecting imaginary suspicions due to my insecurity and incoming middle age; and she is the crystal clear wife, who cannot defend herself well enough... that's why I'm thinking of certain kind of provocation to see if she will not slip.

 

By the way, she has a perfect memory for everything, and to some my very innocent (unrelated to the issue) questions for that period in 99 when the cheating could have happened, she always answers "Don't remember a thing"; looks like she erased her memory deliberately?

[KMA]

Investigation efforts sometimes give results even when it looks like very low probability. On one of my wife's old HD (from 2007, this means 8 y. after the time of possible cheating), I found a curious directory of saved messages (outside the EMail directory, which means specially taken care for). Besides many other messages of little or no interest (many job related) I found a message from the former BF and main suspect in the cheating affair. Again, this is a Christmas message, but contains something really interesting and offensive.

 

To put the things in a context, in 2007, my wife and I were trying to conceive a child, it took some time, nearly 10 months, first the problem was the contraception pill used by my wife for long period and after she had some unusual immune response to sperm, but within 10 months of tries, everything was resolved and she got pregnant without any further problems, we have a fantastic 5 y. old girl.

That is the context, now the message from the former BF:

 

Dear (PETname),

My best wishes for the new 2008, for much professional success and good luck. What you really lack is to become mother and it seems for that you would need someone to help in order to have this happiness. With kind regards, (the former BF, PETname)

 

Several questions/comments arise:

1. How he knows that we were trying to conceive a child? Could be a coincidence, but it's a low probability.

2. It looks he tries to degrade me, which means that at least he didn't know what was the small problem?

3. It's openly offending, managed in only 3 lines

4. How she answered that/if answered, I don't know.

5. Fact is that she exchanged Christmas cards with him at least for the next 2 years (don't have any info for 2010-13).

Shouldn't she stop immediately any communication with him at this very moment receiving this Email, is she was the loving crystal clear wife she tries to sell the image of????

I think, this message is a serious infraction, or as many of you call it, a RED FLAG, but it is not super solid evidence yet. What do you think?

Is it possible she has been discussing with him such intimate matter, and not telling the truth on top of it, or it is some gross kind of comment of an aging former BF, unprovoked by her? Can be the case, but still, he is not crazy, nor stupid, to write such a thing, this means a much higher degree of at least previous intimacy between them than the degree sold to the general public (myself included).

 

What do you think???

 

By the way, no need to say, I'll look again at all files on these HDs "under a microscope".

[LeGenDary_Man]

I don't intend to let it slide away. But to confront my wife, I need a solid evidence, don't you think? Anything else would provide her with an enormous advantage (look at many of the posts here) which goes this way - I'd be the paranoid investigator/inquisitor, collecting imaginary suspicions due to my insecurity and incoming middle age; and she is the crystal clear wife, who cannot defend herself well enough... that's why I'm thinking of certain kind of provocation to see if she will not slip.

 

By the way, she has a perfect memory for everything, and to some my very innocent (unrelated to the issue) questions for that period in 99 when the cheating could have happened, she always answers "Don't remember a thing"; looks like she erased her memory deliberately?

So how you intend to address your concerns?

 

The "suspicion bubble" which is building inside you will haunt you forever if you don't squash it.

 

Check this article: The infidelity epidemic: Never have marriage vows been under so much strain. Relationship expert Kate Figes spent 3 years finding out why adultery is now so worryingly common | Mail Online

 

Does your wife ticks one of the signs?

 

I noticed this:

 

"They become passionate in bed, deploying a new range of techniques."

 

I don't intend to feed your paranoia but their is a range of stuff concerning your wife that leads you to suspect her.

 

And this:

 

Investigation efforts sometimes give results even when it looks like very low probability. On one of my wife's old HD (from 2007, this means 8 y. after the time of possible cheating), I found a curious directory of saved messages (outside the EMail directory, which means specially taken care for). Besides many other messages of little or no interest (many job related) I found a message from the former BF and main suspect in the cheating affair. Again, this is a Christmas message, but contains something really interesting and offensive.

 

To put the things in a context, in 2007, my wife and I were trying to conceive a child, it took some time, nearly 10 months, first the problem was the contraception pill used by my wife for long period and after she had some unusual immune response to sperm, but within 10 months of tries, everything was resolved and she got pregnant without any further problems, we have a fantastic 5 y. old girl.

That is the context, now the message from the former BF:

 

Dear (PETname),

My best wishes for the new 2008, for much professional success and good luck. What you really lack is to become mother and it seems for that you would need someone to help in order to have this happiness. With kind regards, (the former BF, PETname)

 

Several questions/comments arise:

1. How he knows that we were trying to conceive a child? Could be a coincidence, but it's a low probability.

2. It looks he tries to degrade me, which means that at least he didn't know what was the small problem?

3. It's openly offending, managed in only 3 lines

4. How she answered that/if answered, I don't know.

5. Fact is that she exchanged Christmas cards with him at least for the next 2 years (don't have any info for 2010-13).

Shouldn't she stop immediately any communication with him at this very moment receiving this Email, is she was the loving crystal clear wife she tries to sell the image of????

I think, this message is a serious infraction, or as many of you call it, a RED FLAG, but it is not super solid evidence yet. What do you think?

Is it possible she has been discussing with him such intimate matter, and not telling the truth on top of it, or it is some gross kind of comment of an aging former BF, unprovoked by her? Can be the case, but still, he is not crazy, nor stupid, to write such a thing, this means a much higher degree of at least previous intimacy between them than the degree sold to the general public (myself included).

 

What do you think???

 

By the way, no need to say, I'll look again at all files on these HDs "under a microscope".

 

- is another bothersome disclosure. It is an insult to sanctity of your marriage.

 

Have you approved of your wife's contact with her EX? Why is she sharing such sensitive information with her EX?

 

DNA test your child in secrecy to make sure that she is yours.

 

NOTE: Before you confront your wife, complete your homework. You may not have explicit proof of your wife's cheating (if true) but you can connect the dots from various tidbits.

 

Yes, I know about those. The first two of your points were made in the original post on this thread. The third is more problematic. I've been on "evaluation boards" too. Many in fact. Folks almost always tilt their opinions for non-objective reasons such as "I don't think I can get along with that person" or "My boss prefers this candidate and I think it would be beneficial to go along with his view."

 

Nobody has led a "lie-free" life. We have all shaded the truth in one way or another many times. None of those things are a red flag for me.

 

I find the characterization of his wife

 

a little strong. Who here has never lied to a spouse, spent more buying something and didn't tell the spouse about the full cost. As for arrogant, that made me laugh as did "hurting others".

 

I'm not so quick to blame the wife in this case. If after almost 20 years of marriage those are the only things the OP can come up with, I'm sure that many here would feel that he's lucky to have such a good marriage.

 

But I will say again that the OP should have challenged his wife AT THE TIME, not 15 years down the road.

I agree with this statement:

 

Nobody has led a "lie-free" life. We have all shaded the truth in one way or another many times.

 

But I disagree with you on point no. 3 not being a serious matter. Being dishonest with your spouse in this manner will lead your spouse to suspect your behavior and trust related issues will originate. Their are some things in which you should never choose to be dishonest with your spouse. No. 3 is one of these things.

 

Their is certainly more to this story since new disclosures keep coming up from OP. Their are a number of reasons which have led OP to suspect his wife eventually.

 

OP decided not to challenge his wife back then because he trusted her like a husband should. However, his wife keep giving him more reasons to suspect her.

 

In a marriage, nothing is too late to address.

Edited January 22, 2014 by LeGenDary_Man

[road]

Investigation efforts sometimes give results even when it looks like very low probability. On one of my wife's old HD (from 2007, this means 8 y. after the time of possible cheating), I found a curious directory of saved messages (outside the EMail directory, which means specially taken care for). Besides many other messages of little or no interest (many job related) I found a message from the former BF and main suspect in the cheating affair. Again, this is a Christmas message, but contains something really interesting and offensive.

 

To put the things in a context, in 2007, my wife and I were trying to conceive a child, it took some time, nearly 10 months, first the problem was the contraception pill used by my wife for long period and after she had some unusual immune response to sperm, but within 10 months of tries, everything was resolved and she got pregnant without any further problems, we have a fantastic 5 y. old girl.

That is the context, now the message from the former BF:

 

Dear (PETname),

My best wishes for the new 2008, for much professional success and good luck. What you really lack is to become mother and it seems for that you would need someone to help in order to have this happiness. With kind regards, (the former BF, PETname)

 

Several questions/comments arise:

1. How he knows that we were trying to conceive a child? Could be a coincidence, but it's a low probability.

2. It looks he tries to degrade me, which means that at least he didn't know what was the small problem?

3. It's openly offending, managed in only 3 lines

4. How she answered that/if answered, I don't know.

5. Fact is that she exchanged Christmas cards with him at least for the next 2 years (don't have any info for 2010-13).

Shouldn't she stop immediately any communication with him at this very moment receiving this Email, is she was the loving crystal clear wife she tries to sell the image of????

I think, this message is a serious infraction, or as many of you call it, a RED FLAG, but it is not super solid evidence yet. What do you think?

Is it possible she has been discussing with him such intimate matter, and not telling the truth on top of it, or it is some gross kind of comment of an aging former BF, unprovoked by her? Can be the case, but still, he is not crazy, nor stupid, to write such a thing, this means a much higher degree of at least previous intimacy between them than the degree sold to the general public (myself included).

 

What do you think???

 

By the way, no need to say, I'll look again at all files on these HDs "under a microscope".

 

 

 

There are more smoking guns here then at Custer's last stand. Quietly DNA your child.

[dreamingoftigers]

This really doesn't seem legit.

 

Jeepers.

It reads like the "wife did porn" thread.

I'm out.