Marge Posted January 9, 2005 Share Posted January 9, 2005 I just found out after 5 years that my still loving, married boyfriend is seeing someone else. We were at lunch and he said he had to leave to go get laid. He was acting weird/secretive so I think it was true. This is the first time that I know he has cheated. He says that getting blown is not cheating, its like shaking hands. I disagree. Awhile ago he went from seeing me everyday to seeing me once a week. He's been off work for 5 weeks and wont see me any extra days. Now this. I was trying to make our relationship better and see him more, that is how I ran into the cheating. Maybe all us used people can talk- its helpful. Ive been alone and hurting all day and night and now I'm at work and I'm all alone. I have no idea where to meet someone new. Im so shy I would never ask someone out. Ive been killing myself working the night shift so my days could be free to see him. He never called and now he is seeing her. Ive been online all day looking at the dating sites. I feel bad because he has a new relationship and I dont. Maybe he's been doing it for a long time. He's been sleeping with me, but I dont want to get dumped if this relationship is new and he is just waiting for it to work out with her. He told me 'I have to go, its not nice to be late' for his date with her. Me like an in-shock idiot I just let him go. I didnt try and stop him or follow him. He told me to call him in an hour and of course he didnt answer his phone. I did call him later. He said he would never do that to me and that he would call me next week. He has always teased me to the point of breakdown. Im so gullible I can never tell. I guess I will find out Monday what transpired. Our relationship turned sour when I fell in love with him. Not crazy, but just low key. He didnt like that. Other girls had done that to him before and he didnt like it. He has also told me for the last few years that he is moving away and that he is separating from me so that it wont hurt me so much when he moves. I dont buy that, because I told him he is killing me with one day a week. Maybe he was just using the time to see other people. Is it a big deal to just let him live his life with no restrictions? If I dont feel threatened by it. The only thing is that he started saying 'I cant' to me when I ask him for extra days. I didnt realize it may be because of that. If he gets closer to her Im afraid he might treat me like sh_t. He says its just sex and he wants to sleep with alot of women. He's 55. Im 39. We were close, but he turned weird on me. Maybe that's just his way to sleep around, and being in a committed relationship just got to him after while. I wasnt tough on him. He said he was content, but I guess not. He is a big flirt when he is in public. I was always hypersensitive to that but maybe its just for show. I think any low-self esteem shy woman like me would fall for it. He has a perfect d_ck. 8 and cut. I guess the fear is I wont find a replacement. Should I just accept him the way he is? Whether my fears about her hurt me or not? I really dont understand the attraction of having different women as opposed to having a close and loving relationship. You guys can help me out with that. He was one of 9 kids and his mother hated him and he hated her. I think he is just looking for attention from all the women. Thanks. Marge Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Wow--sounds like he is playing headgames with you---he is married and seeing you and another? So you are an OW and there is an additional OW. I think you know the answer, you need to break it off and find someone more in line with what you want! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marge Posted January 10, 2005 Author Share Posted January 10, 2005 My MM has me as an OW and another OW- I think she is new. He might have had another one before her. Im all broken up. I guess our realtionship went stale in his eyes. My ex said to me ' How can you expect him to be true to you if he's not true to the woman that bears his name and had his children?' I expected him to be true to me. He keeps telling me he's moving away. (He's been saying it for 2 years) He had to cheat on me before he left? I guess I dont matter. Marge Im in love with him- he said its not mutual. He also doesnt love his wife. He said he would never be in love again. He said he uses women for sex. I dont believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Originally posted by Marge I expected him to be true to me. He had to cheat on me before he left? I don't believe that. Oh Marge...you are in love with a man who doesn't exist....You are in love with the man who met you and wooed you and won you into an Affair. You are in love with a man who would cheat on his wife "just to be with you" HE was acting then...to get what he wanted. Sex. He left you as soon as he had you, at least he was honest and said he was moving on... You are choosing to believe that he is someone he is telling you he is not...I'm sorry for you that you can't believe him and still want the fantasy. Because once a man has said that he is moving on, that all he wants is sex, that he can't love...IT IS HIS REALITY, and nothing you say or do willl change what he believes to be true. Your ex is right, it is unrealistic to believe he wouldn't cheat on you... You need to find a way past the fantasy into facing the disappointing reality. You need to not love him any more. Turn to your friends, your church, your counselor and finally your god and yourself for support. Believe the advice of people who love you and care about you...and ask them what to do. THEN BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY SAY YOU DESERVE BETTER. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 Sorry to hear you are going through this. No matter what path we take to love, when it ends - it hurts regardless of how you got there. This sounds like a very typical and sad situation. The MM finds that his needs aren't being fully met by his W, so he turns to an OW to fulfill those missing needs. Once that OW relationship becomes long term and committed - those needs that you originally fulfilled resurface under new parameters. Unfortunately, you don't fit those needs anymore because of the nature of your relationship - so he goes off and finds yet another OW to fit those needs. Here is an interesting thing I found in an article called "Cakeman" by Roger A. Rhoades: One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship. When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility. You have become a responsibility now: the very type of responsibility that caused him to stray from his wife. There is a saying that "when the OW takes the W spot, the OW spot opens up" - in this case, your relationship has grown past what he wanted out of an OW and now he is looking for a new OW to fit his needs. The only recourse you have is to move on and begin the process to put your heart together again. It sounds like you have accepted what has happened (or at least you are resigned to it), so the time is ripe for moving on through the bumpy parts. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted January 10, 2005 Share Posted January 10, 2005 We were at lunch and he said he had to leave to go get laid. He was acting weird/secretive so I think it was true. This is the first time that I know he has cheated. He says that getting blown is not cheating, its like shaking hands. I disagree. He says its just sex and he wants to sleep with alot of women Do you really want to be with a man who says things like this, and thinks things like this? Should I just accept him the way he is? Whether my fears about her hurt me or not? Sure, if you want to be miserable. Seriously though, he is abusing you. I really believe you should get some counseling to help you with your self-esteem issues. Concentrate on improving yourself so you feel more confident, instead of concentrating on this jerk. I really believe he is just a distraction for you in your life, and keeping you from reaching your full potential as a person. You want to be with someone who can enhance your life, not make it worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marge Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 Thank you to all for your support and advice. I thought about NC today but decided against it. Good thing. That would have been a disaster. I called him and he said he would call me back that he was at a friends house. I thought he was with the new OW. He called back and met me. He says there is no OW. He was just teasing me as usual. He is so good at teasing that I cant tell- ever. Anyway he apologized. He usually zings me real good before the weekend. Then I spend two days bent out of shape. He said he doesnt want a relationship with me. Its too much like being married he said. He doesnt like having to account for his every movement. (I never required that of him but he felt that pressure- self imposed I guess.) He says he will always only see me one day a week. I need more because I want someone to hang out with. He is a man- evidently men dont need daily companionship. He says he never gets lonely. I was born lonely. In 2002 we all went on vacation together. Him, his wife, me and my live-in. Next week he is going back to the same place. Without ME. Damn. We had a long talk and my hope was that this cheating or tease as it was will bring us closer together. He asked me if I felt better. I said no. He said he will never change seeing me one day a week. Anybody know how I could get him to change it? Reasoning has not worked. Lucrezia hit the head on the nail. Im the second wife now- damn it. One can never win. Heartfelt thanks to all! Marge Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Sorry Marge, but he will not change the one day a week seeing you. He must feel he only wants you one day a week for a jump in the hay. I am sorry but the relationship you are in w/ this man is going down a dead end street. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by Marge Anybody know how I could get him to change it? There is no way to change it, and here is why: 1. In order for the man to change, he has to be willing to accept that your needs aren't being met and adjust to accommodate so that your needs are being met. 2. In this case, it is very clear that this is not about you or your needs. It is only about his needs. He doesn't care about your needs, so he has no motivation or reason to change what he is doing. 3. His needs for you only extend now to one day a week. He is doing this to create an artificial distance and force the relationship into fitting his current needs. He doesn't need anything from you anymore outside of what you can provide in those few hours. Since he won't change, you will either have to accept that you no longer fit the needs he originally had for you and continue on with it or you will have to spring yourself from this trap. I read something once very interesting: whatever a man does or tells you, magnify it and hand it right back to him. If he says "I need some space", you say - "you know what, I do too - in fact, I'll ask that you don't call or contact me for a month". If he says "I'll only see you one day a week", you say "Well, how about we make it only once a month". If he says "I'm not sure if I love you" - you say "You, know - I was thinking the same thing. Maybe we should take a break". I'm not sure if it would work in this case, but I can tell you this: no one likes to be handed back the crap they are dumping on someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Why on earth would you want to be with someone who would tease you about there being another? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Wow...what do you get out of this relationship??? I'm not an advocate of affairs to begin with, but I just can't imagine why you'd have any interest at all in staying with a jerk like this. RUN!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
MarilynMonroe Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 i'm involved with a mm on and off and believe me, if he had another ow... i'd be very very mad. i'm very jealous so it's hard enough to deal with the wife, but it's not too bad becuz he's here in TN and she in NC. But he's military so he comes and goes all the time. i think that when he's here, i'm the only one. i know he spends a lot of time with me, but anyway, back to u. i know it's wrong to be with a married man, blah, blah, blah, but if u're going to be with one, don't let him treat u like u're stupid. and don't be stupid. now if he said he had something important to do with the wife... that's different. She's #1, not u. but another ow... oh please. i'd kick him to the curb so fast his head would spin off... he's about to kick u to the curb... so u need to kick him 1st. i was dating this one other married man that i had known since i was 15 and when i met him he was not married. we didn't do anything physicaly until i was 18. he's 19 years older than me. so when i turned 20 i got my own place, ect. then he'd come see me and act like an ass and he'd offer to help me out with things and never came through and then i he started claiming he was a bouncer at this club that a lot of sorority girls go to... he's already making plenty of money in the army and his wife is a teacher... so things didn't sound right... and he was trying to play mind games... well let me tell ya.. the next time he called to come by... soemone was already there... when he tried to take me out for my birthday... oh i had other plans... i had found me a single guy my age... girl, don't take that bull from a mm. they're nothing but trouble and liars anyway. and i'm sure u can find u a nice single man that will treat u better... or a nicer mm... so u need to start seeing someone else too... everything that he says or does... u do it too. so one day u need to tell him... that u can't stay with him long cuz u have to go get laid. and then another day tell him that u have to run cuz u have another date that u can't be late for. even if it's not true. make it seem like u have soemone else even if u leave him to go home and watch a lifetime movie or do a puzzle. and don't answer the phone every time he calls. if u do, sound like ur busy having fun or have compny. just don't let him think that he has u wrapped around his finger. go out and have fun and meet new guys don't worry about that sorry bastard... it's sooooo not worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Im in love with him- he said its not mutual. He also doesnt love his wife. He said he would never be in love again. He said he uses women for sex. I dont believe that. He's telling you that he doesn't love you, doesn't love his wife and that he has another "OW" so what in the world isn't "to believe"??!! I honestly think you are in serious denial, he told you he was going out with another "OW" but then you say you don't know if he's serious! OMG are YOU serious?!! Everyone has given great advice, your life is slipping by you, you're about to be 40 years old! You should find someone who loves, respects, and honors you! You need to do something about it before it's too late! Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Good luck Marge, I hope you make a clean break and realize that you do not deserve a "man" like this. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 He has a perfect d_ck. 8" and cut. I guess the fear is I wont find a replacement. How could I have failed to mention the obvious...It is far, far better for you to find a man with a smaller, imperfect dick, and some actual concern for your feelings and willingness to meet your needs. Ladies...listen up...there IS no man shortage! There is a shortage of your imagination, initiative and flexibility. Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 If you want to get an insight to the OW OM MM deal, check out this site. http://www.philanderers.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 Originally posted by Marge He has a perfect d_ck. 8 and cut. I guess the fear is I wont find a replacement. Woah! He IS a "Perfect Dick" to boot! Let us hope you NEVER find a "Replacement" in his behaviour department. Life is to damn short to live like this Marge.. this guy doesn't know what a Loving, close, committed relationship is OR what it should be.. AND he isn't interested in finding out... Want to feel soooooo much better?! Tell his sorry-ass you don't want HIM anymore that you've decided a REAL MAN would suit you better! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustard Bomb Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 I once had a very amusing stats prof who encouraged us to calculate the chances of an STD is any given relationship; it's something I have never forgotten. Keep in mind all relationships are happening simutaneously, thus giving any present disease increased likelihood of incubation. If Marge =X, subhuman man=Y(3), other girlfriend =Z// numbers =disease probablility -------------------------------------------------------- Here is the question: Does Y(9)(presumed +15) + X(3) +Z(3) = cut dick 8? Not for me. But evidently ok for you? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Marge - let me be straight. You're a good person. Start acting like it. Pull yourself the f*** together and fix your ridiculous life. You're young, there is time. Your life and your relationships are disgusting and pathetic, not glamourous nor romantic. This is not love; this is exploitation. You're a victim, and not an attractive one. No one is making Sunday night movies about the idiotic stunned-coont broad in the background. Wake up.You're the sorry-ass gross girlfriend of a stupid, banal, man. Change it. Weirdly, I mean this all lovingly. You're in a bad situation, and you're about to get severely rejected. Pre-emptive-strike, now! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Marge Posted January 15, 2005 Author Share Posted January 15, 2005 You guys are so funny, how could I not be cheered up? Thanks. Marge Link to post Share on other sites
Mustard Bomb Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 Teeheehee STD related infertility, blindness, and pre-mature deaths are totally hilarious! Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 hey margei i just broke it off with my mm ,reading your post makes me want to shake you I'm 28 years old my mm was never perfect but he never disrespect ed me ,always was honest as far as not leaving then when he started to feel OK I'm leaving one day i rode that out for a year ,then ok its driving me crazy waiting ,so call me when you leave, but your almost 40??you should know better i wouldn't let anyone treat me like that especially for some d***? please get a toy ,get a life &move on ,therapy may help I'm trying that, I'm not as naive as you but that could help you as well ,don't mean to sound mean but at least if he met your needs (other then sex)then maybe it would be worth it but he plays with your emotions ,it sounds like he knows your not going anywhere &he can do whatever he wants &you will take it ,leave him before he finds someone else to abuse at least if you leave it will be less painful then being left &you're trying to make things work?for what you need time alone to feel what you want .do you have other interests other then him??again I'm not trying to be mean i was involved with a mm but he cared about me your mm sounds like a jerk i hope you wake up like i did &realize your more important you don't sound as if your happy at all ,good luck i hope you wake up and realize you'll be better off alone or with anyone who will not put you through all his" teasing". Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Marge, since you won't ever get the gumption to do anything positive for yourself (and you seem a bit slow-"how can I make him like me more" after 5 years is pretty dumb) I am hoping he'll get hit by a bus and solve your problems. I am going to bed now, and begging whatever dark force that governs all of us that I don't end up in your shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted February 1, 2005 Share Posted February 1, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock Marge, since you won't ever get the gumption to do anything positive for yourself (and you seem a bit slow-"how can I make him like me more" after 5 years is pretty dumb) I am hoping he'll get hit by a bus and solve your problems. I am going to bed now, and begging whatever dark force that governs all of us that I don't end up in your shoes. oh damn... *giggles to self* ..and who says stuff like "He has a perfect D*ck?.... I have to wonder about the sincerity of the original poster. Link to post Share on other sites
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