married with affection issues

[benito]

The point of this is how I feel in my marriage to my wife I have been with for over 10 years who I love with all my heart.

 

1. She never gives me any kind of love or affection, verbally or physically (and i don't mean sex here, I'm talking about nice comments or cuddles etc).

2. She never initiates sex. I either have to push for it by bringing it up several times, or i'll text her asking for it.

 

We occasionally have sex but I get rejected most of the time. When we do have sex I have to wait a few hours after hinting that i want it several times, and it kind of puts me off as i get the feeling she cant be bothered and doesn't want to do it but feels she has to.

I have tried a gentle approach to this in order for her to not feel pressured but I still get rejected. I have also tried being a little less gentle where she may feel a little pressure and I get the same result...rejection. It's because she says she's tired or not in the mood.

The rejection makes me feel like sh*t and so unwanted, and undesirable.

 

I work my ass off within my own business to provide a good home for her and...

I love my wife very much. She really is a good person, and great around the house and an amazing mum. EVerything about her is perfect apart from the above two points.

 

I masturbate to porn which I don't want to do (and i don't particularly enjoy it, but I do it to try and suppress my desire for her, as I feel I am a burden to her if I want sex. Although porn still does not help as I still feel the same afterwards, and it doesn't provide that connection I need with my wife.

 

I'm not saying I want her to be like this with me everyday, but once a week would be nice.

 

It's not since we've had our baby either. I've been feeling this way for several years now and really don't know what to do as I love her so much.

 

If I were to speak to her about how I feel, she would get agitated and be quite abrupt and say something like "It's always all about you etc etc" in an angry tone and then walk off. I know I might be selfish wanting this but I can't help who I am, or what my body and mind needs.

 

But these two missing components stated at the start of my post are probably the most important to me, and it's soooo frustrating to the point that I feel depressed, and just don't know what to do anymore.

Edited January 16, 2014 by benito

[todreaminblue]

it is about what you want and need from yoru marriage and its about what she wants and needs to feel its working, and that point in the middle where you compromise where you are both comfortable coming together......not having matching libidos...is something that you can work around th eperson with the lower libido....should be willign to compromise for the sake of the person they love.....i think it would help to seek marriage counselling ........an impartial compassionate therapist.....your wants and needs are as important as hers.....deb

Edited January 16, 2014 by todreaminblue

[benito]

Thanks Deb, I really appreciate your thoughts. I understand a compromise would be fair but not sure hhow on earth I could suggest to her that we should seek counselling. I should also mention I am a very loving and caring husband who has always been faithful. I tell her I love her everyday and I regularly give her cuddles, sometimes to which she doesn't even respond and will just stand there with her arms down by her sides (we always have a laugh about it afterwards). I always compliment her as well about how nice she looks in what she's wearing. She has a great figure to which I compliment as well, although I don't she believes me as she has low self confidence regarding her figure. We literally never argue either, maybe once in the last 10 years. We seem to be complete opposites when it comes to affection though.

Edited January 16, 2014 by benito

[todreaminblue]

Thanks Deb, I really appreciate your thoughts. I understand a compromise would be fair but not sure I on earth I could suggest to her that we should seek counselling. I should also mention I am a very loving and caring husband who has always been faithful. I tell her I love her everyday and I regularly give her cuddles, sometimes to which she doesn't even respond and will just stand there with her arms down by her sides. I always compliment her as well about how nice she looks in what she's wearing. She has a great figure to which I compliment as well, although I don't she believes me as she has low self confidence regarding her figure. We seem to be complete opposites when it comes to affection.

 

 

have you ever heard fo studies with kids who have not been shown affection.....that it is possible to bring a child around who has not had affection shown no love....to make them appreciate and understand what affection means and why they are loved...........takes some getting used to when you aint used to it......i have to ask has she always had a lack of affection towards you......touch is crucial........try small touches.....is she affectionate towards others are her parents affectionate with each other and her.....deb

[benito]

Her parents are nice people and have helped us out countless times over the years and they are always there for us, but I don't think they gave my wife any verbal "I love you" or physical affection (cuddles etc) when she was a child. I've never heard of this study you mention though.

 

Also, she has never been affectionate towards me or others. Only exceptions to this are our dog who sadly passed away and our baby.

Edited January 16, 2014 by benito

[Ninjainpajamas]

None of that is going to work benito, you're not doing anything wrong from what you're describing, people say you've got to do this that and the other thing because it's like a little task for you to try and fulfill...how many guys you see it work for? how many guys you know gave their sex lives a 180 or were even doing anything different at all the entire relationship? how many guys just magically change it around and it goes back to "normal"? very very very few, otherwise like most of these guys in your situation, you're simply dreaming.

 

A lot of women are looking for marriage/provider, a committed relationship, "security and comfort"...it's not about your needs, you pay the bills, you helped make a baby, got a house, now she's living the "dream" for what it's worth and that's it, your "reward" is you get to be apart of it...the chase is over, she's got you already, why have sex with you? no point in that, that's just to tantalize you into a relationship they desire...it's not a priority to address your needs, she's not going to lose any sleep over it...the less you bug, the more you just go away and do your own thing the better, less stress, less agitation for her...but don't you go and get sex somewhere else you hear! that would be wrong...you'd be a "cheater"...then she'd take the kids, the house and kick you to the curb...you dirt bag you!

 

Your wife doesn't sound sinister, but it wouldn't be the first time it's happened to a guy like that or the last...the point is, your balls are in a box in her closet and you're pretty much screwed...I know, a story without a happy ending, who'd have thought.

 

You want counseling? too bad unless she wants to...most people don't even want to change even though they say they do, they never force themselves to do the tough parts.

 

You want to talk about it? too bad, she doesn't want to, knows how, cares enough to change it...hates hearing about it, stop harassing her for something she doesn't "feel" like doing, after all it's her body...what right do you have to it!

 

You want more sex? too bad, maybe on your birthday, maybe on your anniversary, or maybe when she's tired of hearing you yap like a chihuahua and gives in and throws you a bone

 

You want her to change or tell you whats wrong or why she feels this way? good luck getting the answer, chances are she's avoiding that part...and will continue to do so...people cope and adapt they don't typically fix things, they don't know how...so if there any outstanding issue in her own personal life/past she's untouchable...chances are she's not going to want to face it anyway and even if she did, doubtful she could change...if she was affectionate when you met her then chances are she'll be like that for the rest for her life.

 

You married this woman...in spite of the way she is, in spite of the relationship you've had with her...I don't know when this has changed but this is what many people consider "normal"...hey don't look at me, I think it's freakin insane, and even pathetic scene for a man to have his pants around his ankles spanking it to some overacting bimbos pretending to love a big c0ck and sex 24/7 while his wife sleeps tight without a care in the world of your less than masculine demise...it's like a rose dying all over again, night after night (or every other night or week, your call)...and if you do get a good sex life in marriage, you're just one of the "lucky" ones.

 

She doesn't want to have sex with you, that's the way it's going to be...if you push hard enough I'm sure she'd force herself to for a while like a few weeks, but she's really just done with it....she's showing you that every day, if you didn't care she sure as hell never would.

 

Love isn't everything in a relationship, it's not enough to make you happy.

[benito]

Well put Ninja, that's pretty much my view on it all lol.

[Chihawk]

Benito,

Every single word you wrote could have been written by me a few years ago.

I just kept gritting my teeth and trying to be a great husband and father, trying to find ways to have a meaningful physical connection with my wife, whom I adored, and basically trying to make the best of the situation.

But it finally fell apart.

My wife found someone who made her sexually interested in a way she wasn't interested in me, had an affair with him and eventually left me for him. All I had to show for nearly two decades of effort and sacrifice and rejection was a broken family, half my assets lost in the settlement and years of support and alimony. Divorce court doesnt really care that you worked twice as hard to get half as much during the marriage. you pay up.

This is all to say I hope your situation does not end up like mine. But I think you really should see a counselor. That person can help advise you on how to approach your wife with your feelings and how to encourage her to join you in counseling.

Just being a good guy and sucking it up may not be enough.

[tommyr]

I've not posted on here for a long time (years?) but this thread is pathetic. You guys make it sound like Benito gets no vote whatsoever in his marital situation, doomed to a life of mercy sex as his undeserved reward for 3 weeks of good behavior and begging.

 

Well I call bullcrap !!

Benito you are NOT powerless. In fact YOU are part of the problem. But.. you are also part of the solution. And Ninja, I'm a guy who performed a 180 sexlife and it's been a pretty normal 2X per week for the past I dunno how many years (check my history if you need the dates). I totally agree with almost everything you posted Ninja EXCEPT you left out the part where I get a vote.

 

It all comes down to this Benito: are you willing to continue to meet all of HER marital needs despite not having your sexual needs met? If so, then it will remain status quo mercy sex on a decreasing semi monthly basis. As your sexual frustration grows, this usually degrades into a "bitchy roommate" scenario, sometimes ending when she pulls a move like with Chihawk.

 

Assuming you are NOT willing to just carry on, then you need to make a very serious, personal, and rational decision if you are willing to just sustain a pretend marriage for the sake of image/kids/religion/lifestyle/whatever. For me, I recognized that I need to have a woman in my life. Not a roommate... but a GIRLFRIEND ... and a sexual relationship. I wasn't willing/able to do the fake marriage thing, so I decided I needed to either FIX or END my marriage. You see, I do have a vote.

 

Let me know Benito if you want to hear more of my story.

[oldshirt]

I also call BS on just rolling over and settling for a life of rejection, deprivation and reluctant mercy sex. People can and do turn it around all the time. Some fail and some realize there is a better life out there and move on.

 

From what you have written so far, I'd say she has gotten bogged down with regular daily life and motherhood and diapers and puke and bills etc etc. She sees herself as a mother and sees you as nothing more than a roommate that helps pay bills and helps change diapers.

 

Ask yourself what would she do if some fit, studdly, handsome, sexy new guy came into her life and started rebooting all those old attraction circuits that have been dormant for so long???

 

......She would drop her drawers and ride him like Secratariat!!

 

She still has the desire in there, she's just lost the desire for you. That's the bad news. The good news is you might be able to turn that around.

 

The challenge is "you have to become the man she would have the affair with"

-Athol Kay

 

She has to WANT to have sex with you. It's not something you can talk her into, negotiate or even have a counselor tell her to do. You simply have to get YOUR sexy back and be desirable in order for her to desire you.

 

The risk is you have to be willing to lose her to get her back.

 

You are going to have to hit the gym and get fit. You are going to have to start dressing and styling better and get better looking. You are going go to have to become more assertive and in charge of your home life, professional life and social life. And you are going to have to become more flirty and seductive with her.

 

You basically have to do all the things that you would naturally do if you were to become single again and back on the dating market.

 

At best if you become fit, stylish,handsome,flirty and seductive etc, that may be enough to reignite the spark. However if this has been going on for years like you say, it may have to come to the point where she sees younger, prettier women checking you out and you have to give her the option of getting back on track or being left behind while you move with your life.

 

You just have to be prepared and ok with her taking option B.

 

If she does take option B, you will be in a much better position to move on and get someone else.

 

So bottom line here is this CAN be fixed but YOU are going to have to be the one that decides enough is enough and puts in the hard work and rocks the status quo. As the others are said, she is perfectly happy with her meal ticket and live in coparent.

 

The biggest risk you take in doing nothing is some guy is going to reignite her fire again someday. Do you want that guy to be you or someone else?

[Ap22]

You sure shes not cheating on you? I only ask because I could have written this a few months ago. I never imagined it was because she cheated on me, but it was.

 

I, like you, rarely got affection from my wife. She was very cold towards me. I had to initiate sex, unless she wanted something and then she did.

I told her after dday that I would always feel like a scumbag after sex because I knew she only did it to shut me up. Sex was boring, passionless, no kissing, and she would usually throw in a smartass remark afterwards like "there dont touch me for a month".

 

She told me she shut me out of her heart when she had the affair. Yeah, I'll say she did.

[ZMM]

I doubt she is cheating.

 

It sounds like that is just the way she is, caused by a combination of her upbringing and her innate personality. Sorry, I doubt she will change because she doesn't see it as a problem. I think over time it will just get worse.

 

Good my luck my friend, I know how you feel.

[dichotomy]

What oldshirt said, plus what others said on checking if she is cheating.

 

But I would add one thing - lack of affection. While I am stuggling with a lack luster sex life in my marriage - there still is some minimal basic and occassional kissing, hand holding, or breif touch and snuggle - and some occasional kind words and complements from my wife. She knows she has a good man and at least treats me kindly....but sex is another issue However in your case -You say you wife has none of this - no affection - no kind words ? - thats very cold - I am not sure she even appreciataes you as a good (nice) man anymore - sound like resentment to me.

 

As mentioned "be the man your wife would have an affair with" is a good line. I been thinking about that line alot lately -and in your case I would take it farther "be the type man another woman would have affair with". No not saying cheating, just saying look at your value a bit larger than your wife.

[oldshirt]

Benito was she ever passionate and affectionate and warm with you?

 

When was it the best and on a scale of 1-10 how was it then?

[oldshirt]

And I would concur with the others and say you need to do your due diligence in seeing if there is someone else.

 

By that I don't mean ask her, she will just say no. By due diligence I mean hack into her c-phone, emails, facebook, computer history etc, look through her purse, drawers, any place she may hide a burner phone or other device. Ask her friends, coworkers, family etc if they know why she hasn't been herself lately an If there is anything you should know about.

 

There are countless people who would have bet their life that their partner wasn't"the type" to cheat and they would have never thought they would do such a thing. And there are countless cheating spouses who cry and swear on their mothers grave there is no-one else but once a few stones are overturned the smoking gun shows up very quickly.

 

You haven't don't due diligence untill you have actually looked for evidence yourself. Asking doesn't count.