Major life decision, what would you do?

[LilySun]

I am 37. Never married and no kids. I always wanted kids, but none of my relationships have worked out. Seriously running out of time. Also, fertility issues are starting to happen with my girl parts So these are my only options.

 

By myself is not an option. 1st of all that takes alot of money I don't have, so I would have to work more than see my kid, its just not an option.

 

But, I have a good friend and man that I have relations with. I am not in love with him, but he doesn't have kids and if we kept trying, then I have a chance. He is a good person but again, not in love with him. This is the only ray of hope that I have to get pregnant right now, even with this its not a guarantee.

 

I have a couple other men I do love. They are good friends too, but I am also in love with them, and know one of them could make me happy if I chose to be with one of them. I know that they love me too. But they both have children and do not want more. They are both completely done with that part of their lives. In this case, I could easily learn to enjoy being a step-mom, but then I risk major regret of not trying for my own down the road. In the end, I would at least have a man that I love by my side.

 

I just don't know what to do. We can't say I should be patient and "have all kinds of time" because we all know this isn't true. In my situation, the above are truly my only choices, I just wonder what someone else would do in this matter. Other points of view might help? I am so scared of making 1 choice only to regret I didn't make another.

[LilySun]

And guess I posted this in wrong area but didn't really know where to go...

[OpheliaSong]

Look up First Comes Love which is a documentary in her journey to figuring out whether or not to have child by herself at 42. It covers all these concerns and I thought it was insightful. The director is documentarian's name is Nina Davenport.

I don't thing there are easy answers here, but the first ting you have to do is realize that if you want to bring a child in this world for your own needs, you can't expect your friends to carry the financial or caregiving burden without you unless they offer it of their own free will.

[Khyla]

I think I have something to pass along to you on this subject. Life has taught me some things through my own experiences and from the experiences of others I have come to know.

 

These established views of mine have also been reinforced by actual behavioral psycho-physiological research.

 

Get pregnant by your friend and you will fall in love with him. This love wil become a very strong bond and last at least until you are through nursing your child, unless you get pregnant again, in which case it will continue.

 

You will most likely lose interest in your other loves for a while.

 

Even if you don't believe me, Just Do it!

 

Being pregnant and having a baby is one of the most awesome experiences in life. It teaches you alot as well.

[OpheliaSong]

Look up First Comes Love which is a documentary of a woman's journey to figuring out whether or not to have child by herself at 42. It covers all these concerns and I thought it was insightful. The director is a documentarian named Nina Davenport.

I don't think there are easy answers here, but the first ting you have to do is realize that if you want to bring a child in this world for your own needs, you can't expect your friends to carry the financial or caregiving burden with you unless they offer it of their own free will.

Corrected. Darn the smart phones for making me sound dumb....

[Ruby Slippers]

What would I do? I'd end things with the "good friend" boyfriend, get my life where I wanted it to be, then start meeting new men and potential partners to start a family with.

 

Surely you'll find someone who could at least match that "good friend" status - and hopefully you'll do better than that and find real love, with a guy you really want to make babies and build a good life with

[LilySun]

I think I have something to pass along to you on this subject. Life has taught me some things through my own experiences and from the experiences of others I have come to know.

 

These established views of mine have also been reinforced by actual behavioral psycho-physiological research.

 

Get pregnant by your friend and you will fall in love with him. This love wil become a very strong bond and last at least until you are through nursing your child, unless you get pregnant again, in which case it will continue.

 

You will most likely lose interest in your other loves for a while.

 

Even if you don't believe me, Just Do it!

 

Being pregnant and having a baby is one of the most awesome experiences in life. It teaches you alot as well.

 

I love him as a good person. I know that I could never truly feel in love with him. I am actually not even attracted to him. We just use eachother for the convenience and we get along. But I have known him for years, we have a history, and I have never once felt that strongly about him. In addition, with my fertility being impaired (age and ovary condition) there is a big chance we wouldn't even be able to make it happen. I would love him for the guy he is, but I don't want to miss out on feelings of true love either.

 

Idk, I think I am just SOL. Because having a child with a man I really love is what I want and I can pretty much say that will never happen now

[LilySun]

What would I do? I'd end things with the "good friend" boyfriend, get my life where I wanted it to be, then start meeting new men and potential partners to start a family with.

 

Surely you'll find someone who could at least match that "good friend" status - and hopefully you'll do better than that and find real love, with a guy you really want to make babies and build a good life with

 

i have been trying this for years already. At my age, even younger, most men have kids from previous marriage and don't want anymore. Looking for other men like me that I can also be in love with, is like a needle in a haystack. I am just screwed no matter which way I look at it. I am so very sad.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am just screwed no matter which way I look at it. I am so very sad.

That sucks.

 

I'm the same age as you, also want a family, and haven't found the right guy yet - but I don't feel so hopeless about it. Granted, I don't know of any fertility problems I have, so maybe I can't relate because I don't feel that pressure as well.

 

Finding just any guy who will have kids with you isn't that hard. I've met at least a dozen who were up for that and would have been at least decent fathers. Personally, I'd rather not have kids than have them with some guy I'm not really in love with or who's not in love with me.

 

It might help to start thinking about your options concretely, noting the pros and cons of each option. Try not to condemn yourself to being "screwed". Plenty of people have happy lives with non-traditional families and reproductive pathways.

[whichwayisup]

I am 37. Never married and no kids. I always wanted kids, but none of my relationships have worked out. Seriously running out of time. Also, fertility issues are starting to happen with my girl parts So these are my only options.

 

By myself is not an option. 1st of all that takes alot of money I don't have, so I would have to work more than see my kid, its just not an option.

 

But, I have a good friend and man that I have relations with. I am not in love with him, but he doesn't have kids and if we kept trying, then I have a chance. He is a good person but again, not in love with him. This is the only ray of hope that I have to get pregnant right now, even with this its not a guarantee.

 

I have a couple other men I do love. They are good friends too, but I am also in love with them, and know one of them could make me happy if I chose to be with one of them. I know that they love me too. But they both have children and do not want more. They are both completely done with that part of their lives. In this case, I could easily learn to enjoy being a step-mom, but then I risk major regret of not trying for my own down the road. In the end, I would at least have a man that I love by my side.

 

I just don't know what to do. We can't say I should be patient and "have all kinds of time" because we all know this isn't true. In my situation, the above are truly my only choices, I just wonder what someone else would do in this matter. Other points of view might help? I am so scared of making 1 choice only to regret I didn't make another.

 

Seems you're only willing to have a child with another person so you won't be alone or ON your own. Thousands of woman have kids on their own and make it with the help of family and friends..

 

These men, are they married still or divorced with kids?

 

I say you're smart, strong and not to give up. If you want a child is it possible to do sperm donor?

[LilySun]

Seems you're only willing to have a child with another person so you won't be alone or ON your own. Thousands of woman have kids on their own and make it with the help of family and friends..

 

These men, are they married still or divorced with kids?

 

I say you're smart, strong and not to give up. If you want a child is it possible to do sperm donor?

 

Getting help from science would be thousands of dollars that I could never come up with, not to mention that loss if it didn't work. As for being alone, no I really dont have alot of friends or family that could help. They struggle to work support and raise their own kids. I have a mother but she is single and she still has to work full time too. I don't have any siblings. There just doesn't seem to be any reasonable choice for me, except to grieve and just learn to accept that I am not going to have a child.

 

And I lean towards Ruby's opinion..I think maybe I would rather not have kids at all than have them on purpose with someone I am not in love with. I guess for me it has to be the whole package or nothing, no compromise.

 

I want a family and a man I love, something I could easily find with all the single fathers out there, and I already know 2 men I could do that with right now if I wanted. It might be settling as far as kids go but I don't want to settle for a guy that is just a friend, either.

 

Very tough being in this spot. Thanks for all your insights, I think it is helping.

[Arieswoman]

To choose to have a child because

you

want to and then to expect others to help you out is downright selfish.

 

I don't know where you live, but in UK there are far too many single mums that have to be supported by taxpayers like me.

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2540974/Britain-fourth-highest-number-single-parents-EU.html?ico=home^headlines

 

IMO there are enough one-parent familes as it is, most of them not in that situation by choice, so why add to the numbers?

 

Being a single parent is no picnic | Life and style | The Guardian

 

May I suggest you spend some time with a lone mum and see how hard it is, that might give you a reality check.

[LilySun]

But I dont WANT to do it alone that is my whole point, I want a man in the picture if I do it. I have already explained that doing it alone is not an option for me, nor is it what I want, and the only person I would expect help from is dad. If I truly end an alone mom it would be an accident or if the guy left me. I want a family, not a kid that I have to pawn off on friends all the time.

Edited January 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ruby Slippers]

My thinking in going for real love is that, with or without kids, you'll be happier with real love, right?

 

I can't see myself being happy with a practical marriage just so I can have a family. I guess that's the question - would you be happier with:

 

• A practical partner/dad and kids of your own, or
  
• A real love partner, maybe with kids, maybe without kids of your own
  

 

Maybe if you and real love man can't have kids, you can adopt?

 

Think about all the options and potential paths realistically. Figure out what feels most right to you, what feels definitely not right.

[pteromom]

I would double down on the dating, and would be very honest about what you want. I would create profiles at every dating site there is, and say that you are in your late 30s and are looking for a man who wants a family.

 

Sure it will scare a lot of guys away. But you don't want those scared guys anyway.

 

Then, I would go out with anyone who shows interest. Even if they don't seem interesting online, you never know what will happen when you meet in person.

 

This is going to take a lot of strength, and you are likely going to have to sift through many unsuitable matches. But it's your best bet, and you have to remember what you are doing it for.

[Khyla]

I love him as a good person. I know that I could never truly feel in love with him. I am actually not even attracted to him. We just use eachother for the convenience and we get along. But I have known him for years, we have a history, and I have never once felt that strongly about him. In addition, with my fertility being impaired (age and ovary condition) there is a big chance we wouldn't even be able to make it happen. I would love him for the guy he is, but I don't want to miss out on feelings of true love either.

 

Idk, I think I am just SOL. Because having a child with a man I really love is what I want and I can pretty much say that will never happen now

 

Time and time again, I've seen women who were madly in love, married even, and when no pregnancy happened after several years, their own body's physiology causes a psychological as well as physical revulsion to their current partner, and they begin seeking out another to satisfy the need to procreate.

[pink_sugar]

But I dont WANT to do it alone that is my whole point, I want a man in the picture if I do it. I have already explained that doing it alone is not an option for me, nor is it what I want, and the only person I would expect help from is dad. If I truly end an alone mom it would be an accident or if the guy left me. I want a family, not a kid that I have to pawn off on friends all the time.

 

Unfortunately, finding the right person to have children with DOES take time and even then, there is no guarantee it will work out long term. You need to want kids with or without a partner if you want to do this badly. Given the situation you'll need to be prepared to be a single mother, at least for now. I'm sure you'll eventually find a partner who loves and wants kids. But if you want kids that badly, you'll need to hold off on the serious relationship part. Or if it's essential that you want whomever you're with to be the father, you may have to take a risk that you may or may not be able to have a child by the time you find the right person.

 

For me, it is also essential that I be with someone I love and is committed to me long term before having kids. If I did not have that at your age, I may have to just come to terms with the possibility I may never be a mother and that it's not meant to happen if I don't meet someone soon. I do not want kids enough to get a sperm donor and raise them on my own. So that's my viewpoint on things.

Edited January 18, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree with the last poster....if you want to get married and have children in your life, then put it right out there and eventually, it will come to you. If you beat the bushes long enough, a suitable man who wants the same things, will emerge.

 

I have no children and married six months ago for the first time - at age 45. The truth is, for whatever reason, I didn't really want to marry and settle down with someone before now. If I had wanted it, I would have done it. I would have chosen different partners - men who were more into the idea of family and marriage - than the men I chose. I wouldn't have kept uprooting and traveling. I would have done things differently in order to have a different outcome.

 

I suspect that before now you weren't really ready for teh whole married with kids thing - otherwise you would no doubt have found someone suitable along the way.

 

But you want it now. So approach with the same seriousness that you would a job hunt.

 

I didn't go looking for a husband, but once I realized that I was finally open to the idea of marriage, along came a man who wanted that too. I married a career army officer from another country. We met and fell in love at our workplace in a third country. I never would have considered dating, let alone marrying, a military man when I was younger but I am crazy about him and his military life is part of the attraction.

 

So also - be open to dating men you wouldn't normally date. In fact, if you're going to have a different outcome than in the past, you're going to have to make some changes, starting with who you choose to date. good luck.

[LilySun]

I would double down on the dating, and would be very honest about what you want. I would create profiles at every dating site there is, and say that you are in your late 30s and are looking for a man who wants a family.

 

Sure it will scare a lot of guys away. But you don't want those scared guys anyway.

 

Then, I would go out with anyone who shows interest. Even if they don't seem interesting online, you never know what will happen when you meet in person.

 

This is going to take a lot of strength, and you are likely going to have to sift through many unsuitable matches. But it's your best bet, and you have to remember what you are doing it for.

 

Oh I am already a pro at this...lol. I have been online dating for years. I have had some relationships that didn't work out come out of it. I still browse on them, but yeah its rare that I find someone interesting there. And I can't afford the sites that cost money so I have to stick to free ones, kindof narrows my chances all the more.