Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 WW- I thought it more appropriate to respond to your request here in your own post. How to end it... That really doesn't matter. Its up to what is the best way for YOU to end it. And to know that it ended. And to ensure that HE knows it's over. If you plan on ending it...don't bother with a face to face if you don't need it. Why tempt yourself to do something stupid because you're more likely to fall for his BS when he's actually with you? You want a great way to end it and KNOW it's ended...call him at home from a payphone...and tell his wife that you're ending it with him. She deserves to know what kind of worthless scumbag man she's living with anyway. Most people will tell you NOT to do that...that you're inflicting needless pain on her. My wife had the affair...and I NEEDED to know. We're working it out...totally different situation. But its still his wife's marriage he's screwing up too, and she deserves to know, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 hmmm thank you. U know what . I am gonna end it maybe this way: i won`t contact him until he contacts me , and than I will ask him not to do it again. And I will tell him I told my bf about us. And yes actually I am going to tell this to my bf. Than we should see what can I work on in this relationship. His wife? well his problem. I don`t feel sorry for her ( not at all, sorry ) and I don`t see why should I even talk to her. But yes if he insists to call me again i will tell him that i am gonna call his wife. I hope i have guts to do it this way. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Your BF??? I must have missed that part.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 ok yes we r both in a relationships. I am telling u it is a mess and i don`t even know how i started this mess. It just happened. anyway yes Link to post Share on other sites
crisp Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Girl, if you'd had just had fun, I'd say that you're at least handling it. You're in over your head . Not a good day for science. Just between me and you: you'll tell him that and then he'll meet you and then you'll do the huga-huga dance with him again.... Women !!! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Originally posted by ww Yes I thought about that to. He might be just using me. But than there is this other thing. Few months ago I had a real trouble in my life and guess what.He was there to help me!!!!!! So he did few other times. Now this is what makes this story confusing. When I need him he is there for me! he listens to me ...he helps me. Bc if it was just sex like he claimed..would he be there to help me??? would he?even when nothing was going on.!!!! He feels guilty for using you, so he tries to be there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 11, 2005 Author Share Posted January 11, 2005 u think so? I thought men using woman are all guiltless creatures? Interesting if he feels guilty ...last year I had an abortion...but i told him just this year what i went through...he said nothing about it.(in two months he knows) feeling guilty? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 You met a particular set of needs for your MM when you two first got together. Over time, your relationship grew past those needs and the original needs were no longer being met by you. So, he left you to go back to his wife. Chances are, he'll be soon looking for another OW to fill the space that used to be occupied by you. If not that - and he is sincerely trying to fix his marriage, then he has chosen to readjust his needs so that his wife fulfills more of them than you do, and he no longer has need of you. Your needs are not of importance to him - either that or they rank significantly lower than his (and possibly his wife's) needs. Why does he keep coming back? Probably because he likes you and enjoys your company - but not enough to put your needs above his, or even on the same level as his. His need for you goes no further than the small amounts of time he gives you when he's not too busy or uninterested in your company. I agree...Just know that you did mean something to him, probably still do...But not enough to make him leave his wife or change his ways. It hurts I'm sure, not to be put first, thought of all the time, and being put on the shelf when other things come up. You have the power to control this situation and start saying NO to him. Ween yourself from him, like a habit...Takes 30 days to make one and another 30 days to break one. So break this habit! He's unhealthy for you, he cares about you but won't change and BE with you the way you hope for him to be. Acceptance is the key here. Otherwise you might waste your precious time on this guy when he just isn't into you. If he was, he'd move heaven and earth to be with you. Sorry, not meaning to be harsh...You can do better...In time a perfect guy who can knock your socks off will walk into your life! Someone who will love JUST YOU and put you first. Just will take some time to get over this mm. ok yes we r both in a relationships. I am telling u it is a mess and i don`t even know how i started this mess. It just happened. anyway yes HMM, I missed this too, just scrolled down....OK well, you need to decide WHO you want and decide soon. Not fair to anyone, especially your b/f. Yes, seems like a mess, but YOU have the choice to walk away from it, or dump the b/f. Be alone and figure out what it is you really want. Be strong!! And just know, noone dies from a broken heart, even though it feels like one could. Get to therapy to help you cope but the longer you stay, the more mess you're gonna be in and it will get messier!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 ppl u ...I am still here reading your posts over and over again... with my heart broken...bleeding. It has been just 1 day since i decided to not contact him anymore in my life. Still no sound of him. but what scares me is the fact that he will contact me for sure and I don`t know how will i resist not to answer him back. Pls any advice is welcome. For now I will just try to keep myself busy and not to think about him. But when he contacts me...that scares me. Link to post Share on other sites
Leaf Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 You need to get angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 I know what you mean by getting angry. Already did that too. This is not the 1st time we split. But I hope it is the FOR GOOD one this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 even if i seem to be a [color=blue]moron[/color] You said it best, when you said this, glad you can reconize it! People have given you a LOT of GREAT advice, you don't want to hear "leave him" or "how to leave him for good" you don't want to accept the fact that HE IS USING YOU FOR SEX ONLY EVEN though he TOLD you that he only wanted sex from you! Your above statement shows your capability to accept REALITY! Like Spock said, you're delusional! Get over it already! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 ok Barby ...HHOW TO LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD? how do you leave someone you love? i decided already to no contact him. but i feel like something is missing here. should i write him an e-mail or something. or just simply let go. what when he calls? thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 How about trying to conciously re-focus all that attention AWAY from what might happen when/if he calls, and how to end it, and so on and so on....focus all that BACK into your relationship with your boyfriend?? If you don't start working on that, you may find that you've lost that too. The only way you can walk away from it is to LET IT GO...quit worrying/dwelling on it/caring about him. Act like he got run over by a beer truck. Confess to your boyfriend, who undoubtedly knows there is something wrong in your relationship with him already, and work to get from HIM what you were getting from the OM. If you're not up to that, then you should consider letting the boyfriend go too. The first step in all of this is to tell YOURSELF that its over. From your posts, I don't think you've done that. Or if you have, you've not LISTENED to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
stormywind Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by ww ok ppl...here goes this weird story of mine... I started relationship with my MM 2 years ago and first 8 months were great...than things started to go down. Since we are both in relationship with other ppl, our store was kept in secret. Than one September evening he decided to break it of bc he wanted his marriage to work out. I was devastated and so was he. He kept telling me it is just sex and nothing more for him. I was depressed for more than a year and i tried to get over it. We met few times in-between and made love and it was great as always. Now i am finally starting to feel better. And I am strong enough to get over it. But he keeps coming back. We still keep in touch and we say ( every time) that is just friendship and nothing more but than we do it over and over again. People tell me please do you understand wtf is going on here bc i don`t understand anything. And please spare me advice like: walk away etc...I know i should do this but my heart keeps going back to him every time. Did you notice it's always what's convenient for HIM? When he wants to back off, you guys back off. When he wants to get together for sex, you get together. When is what YOU want considered? Is any of this going according to what YOU want? How will answering these questions help you? Because it starts to make you angry. It starts to get you to think of yourself first. I'm not saying this will get you to change your behavior right away---in my case it surely hasn't. But it will get you started on the right path--and you have to start somewhere. A lot of us who end up in these situations don't have very high self-esteem. You'll never see a woman with high self esteem being the OW. Those with low self-esteem feel we'll just take what we can get. What the MM gives us (sporadically) is a self-esteem boost. They make us feel good. That's why they become like a drug. We need them to feel good. We become addicted to them because of this. Try, try, try to learn how to feel good all by yourself. I'm in the process of doing this and it's a very long, slow process for me---and I'm getting there way late in the game too (I'm no kid). Hope this helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 It's easy for me to sit here and tell you what needs to be done-I can recognize it from my OWN situations-but doing it is a far different matter. Only YOU can answer that question. There is not "right" way that automatically garuntees your heart won't ache for weeks and months to come. You're grasping at the same straws I was last year. And that's what it is, grasping at straws. Looking for ANY reason to delay the inevitable. "Oh he helped me with my car, he MUST harbour feelings for me" That's building your own little nest inside your head-and lining it with delusion. He needs you to make his crappy home life work right now. That's it. By ending this you're forcing him to be honest with you, and himself. Don't TELL him you're "breaking up" that's just dumb. Stop taking his calls, block his email-you get the picture. If he manages to track you down tell him you don't want to ever see him again unless he's got those divorce papers in his hand, signed, sealed, delivered. Then carry on. If her persists, or whines, tell him if he bothers you again you'll call his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by ww ok Barby ...HHOW TO LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD? how do you leave someone you love? i decided already to no contact him. but i feel like something is missing here. should i write him an e-mail or something. or just simply let go. what when he calls? thank you DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. Sheesh. No emails, no nothing. You will never get the closure you're looking for if he still wants a piece. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 Thanks, yeah today i am starting not to feel numb...at least my mind is starting to work again. I guess i am feeling pretty low but still better than 2 days ago. He is away right now and he will be back next week. Until than i will change my number yes. ( all of them) I already closed my e mail account. Thank you ppl. Thank you Spock. And stromywind...u r so right. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Share Posted January 13, 2005 Good. Keep us updated. And remember, baby steps.....I really hope you're able to find freedom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 me too.... I will keep u updated. The hardedst thin to do is to decide. than things just move on i guess Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 ww, I haven't read all the other replies to you but the one's I have, I agree w/. It's not easy to leave someone you love, but I have done it, and it does hurt for awhile, but you will go on. You can do it. You will find another love. Don't waist your time w/ this MM. If some guy flat out told me he was using me for sex I would be so pi$$ed that I wouldn't want to ever see him again. I would tell him to go to he!! and get out of my life. Who needs someone like that in their lives? I don't know what else to tell you b/c a lot of other posters have given you great advice. GL! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 I'm sure it just hurts horribly for you...Sad but true, noone dies of a broken heart...Even though you may feel like you will. Vent, write out your feelings, talk about it - Just get it ALL out until the weights slowly begin to lift...When they start to lift and you feel abit more like yourself get busy! Put him out of your head. Do NOT allow yourself to think about him, fantasize about him, nothing!! If you feel it coming- Distract yourself. I hope you hang in there and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 15, 2005 Author Share Posted January 15, 2005 he called. I haven`t answered but i texted him not to call me anymore unless he decides to have a serious relationship with me. So I guess this is it. I guess i won`t hear from him anymore in my life. I feel so low right now . Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 I know it's hard, but you did the right thing, for yourself. I see to many OW post here where they are so miserable and life is way to short to live like that. As for you telling him not to contact you again until he is serious, what do you mean by this? Do you mean serious about divorcing his wife and going to you? If that is what you meant, don't hold your breath. I don't see this MM leaving his W, sorry. He can't have anything "serious" with you until he does D his W. I think you are holding onto false dreams. Don't wait around for him, b/c if you do, the right guy might come along and you wont even realize it b/c you are so wrapped up in this MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ww Posted January 15, 2005 Author Share Posted January 15, 2005 No. Like I said. I GUESS I AM NOT HEARING FORM HIM ANYMORE IN MY LIFE. Link to post Share on other sites
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