juststarry6443 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 My niece was born 2 1/2 months ago. My sister & her husband (well fiancé for 12 years or so but he has a problem with marriage) are new parents. Ever since my niece, Amelia has been born all they do is bicker. I'm trying not to be biased but I truly believe he is the one to blame. He just isn't doing a wonderful job of being a good husband or father. I would assume new fathers are just so involved because they're just so excited about being a father. He makes the mistake of putting work, adequate sleep & his mom first. But why did he ask for a kid then? Although he's working half the day & exhausted, he should be cherishing these moments right? But he's always saying he needs to sleep or he won't be able to function at work. &pregnancy tends to be painful for woman but he never seems to take notice of tht. He doesn't think of sticking to my sisters side & taking care of her for the time he had "family bonding." &his mom, OMG his mom. She supports his behavior fully. She sees no wrongdoing in his behavior. &she's always taking the time away from him to spend with his family. I would think a mom would be like oh no son spend time with your just born daughter not continuously ask him to run favors with his wife & child in the hospital. Long story short, I wouldn't want my niece growing up with separated parents if she doesn't have to. Is there any way of this relationship working out? If so, how? Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Are these just your personal observations, or are these things your sister complains about? Does she ask for your advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Author juststarry6443 Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 My sister complains/vents to me about these things. Other than tht I'm just there to listen. She's a grown ass woman she wouldn't need her little sisters advice. But if I could say something to her to reassure her or something it'd be nice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 My sister complains/vents to me about these things. Other than tht I'm just there to listen. She's a grown ass woman she wouldn't need her little sisters advice. But if I could say something to her to reassure her or something it'd be nice. Oh, okay. Thanks for answering. If I were in your shoes, I would try to calm my sister down and kind of play devil's advocate. It's tricky because sometimes people just want to vent, and they don't want to be told to consider the other side or think about their own part in conflicts. So there are times where you should just let her vent. But for times where you want to reassure her or give advice, remind her that her husband is a new parent just like she is and he doesn't have all the answers and he hasn't yet figured out how to balance his personal life, work life, and overbearing(?) mother. It's something they both need to work on together. Because, really, he does have a point when he says that he needs to sleep in order to function at work. And of course, your sister might say, "Well *I* haven't gotten a good night's sleep for months!" and she'd be right, as well. This is where they need to communicate and get on the same page. He's not an enemy. They're in this together. No bickering because it doesn't help. Encourage her to be understanding of his needs while also communicating her own. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 But why did he ask for a kid then? &his mom, OMG his mom. She supports his behavior fully. Why are you surprised he turned out how he did? That's how he was raised. IIWY, I would help your sister(?) learn to be strong and independent without him, because HE is never going to change. Help her understand that he is just a product of his upbringing, so stop expecting him to be anything more than a spoiled kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author juststarry6443 Posted January 19, 2014 Author Share Posted January 19, 2014 Why are you surprised he turned out how he did? That's how he was raised. IIWY, I would help your sister(?) learn to be strong and independent without him, because HE is never going to change. Help her understand that he is just a product of his upbringing, so stop expecting him to be anything more than a spoiled kid. I'm surprised because I'd assume tht he asked for a kid because he feels he's an independent grown ass man ready to take on the duties as a father & a good husband. My sister is a strong, independent woman. She just didn't expect her man to become this way once she gave birth to his child. But thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 (edited) Ok, I'm going to speak as a pregnant woman and a scientist here.... Your sister carried that baby in her womb for 9 months. During that time she felt her move, felt her hiccup, felt her roll over or get hyper when she ate ice cream....and during all of that, she and that child bonded. The Father neither felt or experienced any of that. So your sister has a 9 month head start bond with your nice that your bro in law is still catching up on. Also, during labor and delivery, our bodies and the baby's body produces oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. It allows the mother/child bond to develop quickly so as to ensure the child's survival. If she is nursing, those bonding chemicals are produced during every feeding further strengthening their bond. Again, bro in law gets none of that. So it is NORMAL for Father's to take a bit of time to bond with their children. But you want to know what puts up a major roadblock in the father/child bond? Whining, nagging women who treat the Father as incompetent or who add pressure to the relationship or who won't allow a father to figure out 'his way' of changing a diaper, getting her dressed, etc. So what your sister needs to to is back off and offer some positive reinforcement and gentle encouragement. Ask him to dress the baby and when he does, tell him how wonderful, fast, great, etc etc he did....even if that baby is jacked up looking in unmatching clothes, etc, she needs to stay positive. She needs to encourage this bond and help build his confidence if she wants an equal parent. Venting and complaining and judging will just get her a lifetime of doing all the child rearing by herself while he sneaks off to his Mother's house. Edited January 20, 2014 by Janesays 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 A majority of men do not want to take part in the childcare, the nuts and bolts of it. They want to play catch when they're 9. She married someone she knew was reluctant for commitment. I wonder if the pregnancy was planned and doubt it. So she is to blame also. She picked the wrong guy for the job -- and mind you, finding the right one is rare because men do not like doing half the childcare or anywhere near it and they've been getting away with it for centuries. A recent study shows having a child makes a married couple less happy, not more, yet so many women think having a child will fix their relationship. It only adds more stress and resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 I'm surprised because I'd assume that he asked for a kid because he feels he's an independent grown ass man ready to take on the duties as a father & a good husband. My sister is a strong, independent woman. She just didn't expect her man to become this way once she gave birth to his child. But thanks. I always tell people to watch their SO interact with their family, because that is what he/she will be when they are married. It's what he knows. Why would he change? He asked for a kid because he expected her to do the work and him to get the fun part. Like many men. Link to post Share on other sites
Eau Claire Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Not sure of the point. Your sister chose a husband and father for her child. 'He is to blame'. Therefore what? Is he a different person? No, SHE is an adult and is responsible for her own decision. Learn from her mistake if you think that's what it is. You should butt out of your sister 's marriage unless she asks you otherwise or if there is some form of specific abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts