Drama filled love affairs

[LaylaSings]

The affair I'm in has been very drama free.

Other than in my own head at times.

I read here or on other forums or really any article about cheating or affairs or DDay and I see people playing a game of risk, right on the edge, discoveries right around the corner, drama filled, fights with AP..

 

I'm not saying my affair hasn't been risky. There has been some risky behaviour. But in well over a year my AP and I haven't had any fights or very negative emotional episodes. We talked none stop every day in the beginning and to be honest I miss that so much but we knew that kind of thing is what would get us caught.

We see each other often but not all alone.

Since we are friends it wouldn't be weird for our numbers to show on cell bills and such we even text without any worry but keep it to a minimum now

 

People seem to think spouses can access transcripts of texts but both our service providers state that's not true. They only keep transcripts for a couple days and would only release the numbers of who texted not the content of the texts.

At one point a few months ago it came out that his wife handles their phone bills. I was shocked by this as he had lead me to believe in the beginning she had no access to his account. After this discovery we both called and checked what the privacy standard was for texts and calls.

 

I won't say as a woman I don't want more attention, I'd love if it was like in the beginning and we had constant contact but honestly I see how that fuels drama.. The more into it you get your head spins, you start acting out of character, requesting more and more attention and you start getting angry or fights start..

 

Do people agree at all?

We are both married, so now we will sometimes go a week, without contact. We still see each other in that time but don't act on anything. We space out our times together. We have no expectations, no pressure ..

 

I am still very much considering ending the affair because of the guilt I felt and the fear that eventually we will still get caught or that I'll keep falling deeper in love and eventually will be way to hard to walk away. I think I'm already there but I know it could be worse.

 

Is your affair drama free or is there a lot of ups and downs and intense situations?

 

How often do you talk and how long has it been going on? Do you do anything to minimize the risk for drama, like we do, by spacing it out, taking breaks to try and keep control of emotions and also evidence. (By evidence I simply mean, the less you text, talk or meet up, the less evidence there is to be found)

I know my AP tells me the truth because we are closely connected to each other's family, we can't present only the best of ourselves to each other because as often as we are around one another we have both seen and heard the worst bits too and are still infatuated.

 

I try to focus on my kids and myself as much as possible. I think that helps keep balance.

I am trying not to lose my self completely in this.

 

I don't need to be told this is wrong, I already know. I'm just curious of the dynamics in affairs happening and if they are similar to what I'm going through.

Edited January 17, 2014 by LaylaSings

[Realist3]

In the 4 years this A has been going on I have had both drama and smooth sailing periods of time. And by drama I mean the inter-dynamics of the relationship itself, most of it never even discussed.

 

As far as communication frequency it has been significant during that time. Every day all day has been the norm.

[wanting more]

My A was drama free, fun, exciting and sexy

 

Then d-day. Lots of drama after that.

[ZMM]

Basically drama free.

 

I would use a texting app to be safe. JMO

[Realist3]

Basically drama free.

 

I would use a texting app to be safe. JMO

 

Agreed 1000%. If you are texting as normal to your phones, you are begging to get caught.

[Nothisgirl]

In 10 months ....We've had some drama moments, days mostly stemming from me pulling away and him trying to draw me back in. But nothing crazy. I would actually say he's the most loving and attentive man I've ever been with ... We were in contact all day every day with no restrictions on when, how much or the content (of texts etc) ...any time I needed him no matter what, when or where he found a way to be there.

 

That said, we never had a dday so I imagine that would have changed things significantly

[MissBee]

The affair I'm in has been very drama free.

Other than in my own head at times.

I read here or on other forums or really any article about cheating or affairs or DDay and I see people playing a game of risk, right on the edge, discoveries right around the corner, drama filled, fights with AP..

 

I'm not saying my affair hasn't been risky. There has been some risky behaviour. But in well over a year my AP and I haven't had any fights or very negative emotional episodes. We talked none stop every day in the beginning and to be honest I miss that so much but we knew that kind of thing is what would get us caught.

We see each other often but not all alone.

Since we are friends it wouldn't be weird for our numbers to show on cell bills and such we even text without any worry but keep it to a minimum now

 

People seem to think spouses can access transcripts of texts but both our service providers state that's not true. They only keep transcripts for a couple days and would only release the numbers of who texted not the content of the texts.

At one point a few months ago it came out that his wife handles their phone bills. I was shocked by this as he had lead me to believe in the beginning she had no access to his account. After this discovery we both called and checked what the privacy standard was for texts and calls.

 

I won't say as a woman I don't want more attention, I'd love if it was like in the beginning and we had constant contact but honestly I see how that fuels drama.. The more into it you get your head spins, you start acting out of character, requesting more and more attention and you start getting angry or fights start..

 

Do people agree at all?

We are both married, so now we will sometimes go a week, without contact. We still see each other in that time but don't act on anything. We space out our times together. We have no expectations, no pressure ..

 

I am still very much considering ending the affair because of the guilt I felt and the fear that eventually we will still get caught or that I'll keep falling deeper in love and eventually will be way to hard to walk away. I think I'm already there but I know it could be worse.

 

Is your affair drama free or is there a lot of ups and downs and intense situations?

 

How often do you talk and how long has it been going on? Do you do anything to minimize the risk for drama, like we do, by spacing it out, taking breaks to try and keep control of emotions and also evidence. (By evidence I simply mean, the less you text, talk or meet up, the less evidence there is to be found)

I know my AP tells me the truth because we are closely connected to each other's family, we can't present only the best of ourselves to each other because as often as we are around one another we have both seen and heard the worst bits too and are still infatuated.

 

I try to focus on my kids and myself as much as possible. I think that helps keep balance.

I am trying not to lose my self completely in this.

 

I don't need to be told this is wrong, I already know. I'm just curious of the dynamics in affairs happening and if they are similar to what I'm going through.

 

Even if the phone company cannot provide text transcripts, keylogger software can. I know that because my mom put a keylogger on my dad's phone which was a whole system that texted and emailed her every time he received a call or text from the OW and yes, keyloggers provide the transcript of what was said by both parties. So just a little FYI about that, that if a suspicious BS is savvy enough (and my mom isn't even that computer savvy so I was totally shocked at how she came across this) they can find that out without the phone company's help. There are apps for EVERYTHING!

 

Several threads have asked about As where both people are married and I've always said that I think it may be a more stable ship sometimes versus single AP and MP. I think the latter is most likely to have more drama and more imbalance. I was a single OW and my situation had a bit more freedom than some OW's because he wasn't married and they didn't live together most of the time, so he had a lot more freedom with his time and there was little of the sneaking around element. There wasn't over the top drama, but intense emotions and arguments about my dissatisfaction: yep! Likewise he was very possessive and easily jealous and since as a single OW I decided it was a bigger fool's errand to pledge faithfulness to a committed person, I saw other people as well and he abhorred that so we would argue about it. I wouldn't actually tell him I saw other people, although I hinted at it, but he was always worried I was and he'd be passive aggressive about it or we'd get into actual arguments about it.

 

The first year was almost seamless, until 3/4 of the way in when I realized that I was indeed an OW. That started the dissatisfaction, the questions, the arguments. I was never a happy OW. It seems you, and maybe some other happy OW, accept the situation for what it is and as you've explained consciously put up all these blocks and checks to not do this and not do that and not feel this and not feel that, whereas if you were an unhappy OW, like me, it was because you allowed yourself to feel organically and the situation didn't allow for natural growth/outlet of your feelings and increased commitment as in single Rs, so you got frustrated and so it led to drama. Eventually it had to end as I felt we were going round and round in a cul-de-sac to nowhere. I think if you're married and have no plans to divorce you will most likely not be as concerned about the fact that the relationship won't grow and you consciously go in prepared to compartmentalize it and use it as an escape on the side. While for single OW that is often their primary and only relationship and so the tendency is to invest in it as much as they would any other and it isn't compartmentalized for them, but that isn't the same for the married/committed person, so there's the imbalance and drama and frustration of feeling stuck. Single OW/OM often resent the MP because they usually are quite content living in the compartment while the single AP finds it frustrating and is upset that the MP seems so chill about it.

 

But some married people have also fallen into drama because their efforts to control their emotions and make sure this and that doesn't happen sometimes flies out the window and it's a struggle between "natural feelings" and the conscious effort to check them.

Edited January 17, 2014 by MissBee

[violet1]

My affair was a year long. We exchanged texts each and every day, all day. Our daily contact never changed. There were times I struggled with the emotions and would text less to try to give myself a little space. I only saw him maybe once a month if I was lucky. So without the continuous communication there's no way I could have done it. He loved the communication just as much as me if not more. Like some of the others have stated, use a text app. There's a lot of them out there and free to download onto your device.

 

As far as arguments and drama, we only had one little disagreement. For the most part, my A was pretty drama free. I ended it on my own terms and no D Day for either of us.

[Got it]

Our affair was a year, not too dramatic, no limit on phone communication. Ultimately the phone records confirmed the affair when he started discussing divorce and she became suspicious.

 

I am not one for drama so minimized it as much as possible. I am also not one that would ever become a love addict as that initial feeling is too turbulent for me. I like Phase 2, things have calmed down but you still really like each other. Unlike Phase 4 when things are boring and can't really stand the sight of the other and just the way they breath grates your teeth.

[LaylaSings]

I appreciate the advice about a texting app but I am actually fine not texting daily. I wish we could but it's all kind of risky for too many reasons already and I'm just trying to ween myself off from it. As it stands we text like once a week.. Literally 5 texts a convo if that. And our spouses would not think that was wrong at all unless they could read what we talked about. Once a month though we always cave and talk nonstop for a day or two.

We just went a whole 4 weeks between texts! First time ever but I was proud of that because I really do want to need that less.

Initiation happens from both sides about 50/50 as it stands.

 

We see each other several times a week and on average are only alone a couple times a month. We haven't been together since before Christmas now, my self esteem was beat.. I needed a break to focus on my own self.

 

I wouldn't call myself an entirely happy other woman. I'm stressed about things for sure. But the affair has been very drama free.

[LaylaSings]

I guess what I think is that texting every single day seems to me to be more risky for more reasons than just the number showing up on the phone, or a key logger or whatever.. You would be a lot more emotionally invested and way more disconnected from the spouse you lived with if you had a whole second relationship.

I wish we could have that but we would get caught in that situation. We are both too emotional about it as it is.

[violet1]

I guess what I think is that texting every single day seems to me to be more risky for more reasons than just the number showing up on the phone, or a key logger or whatever.. You would be a lot more emotionally invested and way more disconnected from the spouse you lived with if you had a whole second relationship.

I wish we could have that but we would get caught in that situation. We are both too emotional about it as it is.

We always would text during work hours on breaks and lunches. He always cooks so we would text at night and tell each other what we were cooking and send each pics of the meals we each prepared. It was kind of a different relationship. You are right though. The more you communicate, the more emotionally invested you become. My A was much more emotional than physical so handling the emotions was difficult. I seriously became a pro at compartmentalizing. It was like I was living two lives.

[MissBee]

I appreciate the advice about a texting app but I am actually fine not texting daily. I wish we could but it's all kind of risky for too many reasons already and I'm just trying to ween myself off from it. As it stands we text like once a week.. Literally 5 texts a convo if that. And our spouses would not think that was wrong at all unless they could read what we talked about. Once a month though we always cave and talk nonstop for a day or two.

We just went a whole 4 weeks between texts! First time ever but I was proud of that because I really do want to need that less.

Initiation happens from both sides about 50/50 as it stands.

 

We see each other several times a week and on average are only alone a couple times a month. We haven't been together since before Christmas now, my self esteem was beat.. I needed a break to focus on my own self.

 

I wouldn't call myself an entirely happy other woman. I'm stressed about things for sure. But the affair has been very drama free.

 

I'm curious about what you get from this relationship or when do you guys see each other/communicate?

 

Is it more like a FWB thing? It sounds similar to that from what you're saying, but I'm not sure.

 

FWB in my own experience are people that I like well enough, we have sex, we're friends but it's not a relationship. I do not love them romantically and do not want to be with them in a relationship and we don't need to speak daily and even weeks can pass without contact. While with a relationship I require a lot more communication.

[MissTakes]

My A was drama free, fun, exciting and sexy

 

Then d-day. Lots of drama after that.

 

Similar for me. It was fun, carefree, and easy when we were together. It wasn't until after it ended that it became dramatic. We never had a d-day, even - but the fallout between the two of us was drama enough.

Edited January 17, 2014 by MissTakes

[Learningtoletgo]

My affair was very similar to yours, Layla Sings, except we worked together and we were not in the same social circle.

 

It was similar in that we are both committed (he is married and I have been with my so for 12 years) and the affair was completely drama free due to our very limited contact that we imposed on ourselves because of our fear of getting caught, along with our fear of our emotions getting out of control. We ONLY communicated through text, and we always kept them limited. I would go weeks without a text and it was, for the most part, fine. The only time that we texted each other a lot was before we would have plans to meet. For us, texting was a means of Foreplay for sure.

 

It was basically a year and a half affair and we only met to hookup about 7 times, and many of those were very short meetings. We only actually slept together once and that was our longest amount of time alone together, about 4-5 hours. We did, however see each other at work every day where we would talk, but not much....too much risk. We both wanted to see each other more, but we weren't willing to take the risk. We only met when our schedules allowed us to meet naturally, we never made excuses to go meet each other. Meaning, we never pretended to "work late" or "go out with a friend". On the rare occasion when we both had plans where we were not with our SO's, we would meet. Exciting, but was also tiring at times.

 

We also had no expectations whatsoever. We basically made a pact before we started that we couldn't have expectations, we couldn't change our lives at all for each other, we weren't going to get emotional, but we were going to "have fun" and get our (sexual) needs met. That was all.

 

Did it work? Well, in a way yes. We never had any drama at all. Not one fight, argument or hurtful word . If one of us had to cancel plans or one of us could text or something, we never ever got angry. I actually told him that if we begin to get mad at each other, that was a definite sign to end the affair. We always treated each other with respect, and after it ended I still had/have respect and kind feelings for him. I accepted the fact that we were no longer going to talk, wished him well, and walked away. I am so happy that I ended it that way, it was so important for me to end it amicably.

 

But although it was drama free on the outside, I did have some issues mentally. As hard as I tried to keep my feelings under control, there were moments (especially after we slept together because our sexual attraction was insane) where I felt like I was on the brink of falling for him. I KNOW he felt it too, not because we ever talked about it (we never discussed stuff like that-another limit we imposed), but because of little things he said and did. So that is why we ended it, basically mutually.

 

It's now been 5 months nc, and it was hard at first, but I'm ok. I didn't have the heartbreak that some people here have, but I'm sure I could have....he was definitely lovable. That's why I ran!!!!!!

 

One thing I do want to warn you about is the guilt that you feel after it's over. I know you said you feel it sometimes, but for me it was much worse now that I am no longer in the affair fog. I realize now that I have to live with what I have done for the rest of my life. When I was in the affair, I never thought I would feel this guilty. I was too excited about my mm. Now, because I did not have a DDay, I struggle with keeping this huge secret from my so. Some days I just want to blurt it out, and believe me, I never thought I would even consider telling (which I probably won't just because I will not only hurt my so, but also my daughter, and maybe his wife). So now I have to find ways to cope with what I have done and figure out how I can like myself again. Because really, my idea about myself has changed, and it's been so hard to forgive myself for what I have done to people that I love.

[Crazy_Love]

We see each other four to five times per week, sometimes more, for the whole day. We don't work together but we each work from home so it works. There is no drama. His W knows me, we've done stuff together on occasion and she knows we are close and see each other frequently though I don't think she realizes just how much. We also text all the time but again, she doesn't know how much although if she ever looked at the records, she'd be shocked.

 

She and I get along fine. I've babysat their house and animals, taken her to the airport, gone to sporting events with her. She's said a few things to him on occasion about our relationship, but I try to make myself as invisible as possible. I personally thinks she knows and tries to ignore it. Their relationship is leaps and bounds better and he's much happier now, she's even told me she knows this and it's because of me. I think she knows that if it's not me, it will be someone else.

[chelsea2011]

We see each other four to five times per week, sometimes more, for the whole day. We don't work together but we each work from home so it works. There is no drama. His W knows me, we've done stuff together on occasion and she knows we are close and see each other frequently though I don't think she realizes just how much. We also text all the time but again, she doesn't know how much although if she ever looked at the records, she'd be shocked.

 

She and I get along fine. I've babysat their house and animals, taken her to the airport, gone to sporting events with her. She's said a few things to him on occasion about our relationship, but I try to make myself as invisible as possible. I personally thinks she knows and tries to ignore it. Their relationship is leaps and bounds better and he's much happier now, she's even told me she knows this and it's because of me. I think she knows that if it's not me, it will be someone else.

 

How does that make you feel that their marriage is better because of you?

[Crazy_Love]

How does that make you feel that their marriage is better because of you?

 

Frustrated because I've given him many ideas and suggestions for improving things without me, including suggesting they go to counseling or things he can approach her about. He is my best friend first and foremost and I only wish to see him happy, even if it's not with me. I want his marriage to be happy, as odd as that sounds. Most of our relationship is not sex, btw. His reply has been, "I'm not interested in changing things, I have you now. And if I didn't have you, things would just be the way they are, a mediocre relationship." So yes, I get frustrated about the whole thing and if I wasn't in the situation I'm in right now, I'd probably end it.

 

I'm also puzzled because she seems like a reasonable and accommodating person. But when I've asked him about talking to he claims he can't because she'll just get angry and nothing will change. From what I know about her, I find that hard to believe. So I listen, and I empathize but I never say anything bad about her.

[sunburned]

Being in love with two men, paranoia over whether your fellow townsfolk suspect, making calls to cell phone providers to check privacy policies, a dramatic rollback in communication, straining to keep emotions in check, being a mother when you've emotionally checked out on their father, mathematically allocating texts and meet-ups, managing evidence ...

 

 

It sounds like drama to me!

Edited January 18, 2014 by sunburned

[Aspasia33]

Hi Layla,

I will respond in bolded

 

The affair I'm in has been very drama free.

Other than in my own head at times.

I read here or on other forums or really any article about cheating or affairs or DDay and I see people playing a game of risk, right on the edge, discoveries right around the corner, drama filled, fights with AP..

 

Ive had fights(if it can be called that?) with my MM, we are not that risky I think, I pretty much delete everything he emails, and he I. neither of us want a Dday.

 

I'm not saying my affair hasn't been risky. There has been some risky behaviour. But in well over a year my AP and I haven't had any fights or very negative emotional episodes. We talked none stop every day in the beginning and to be honest I miss that so much but we knew that kind of thing is what would get us caught.

We see each other often but not all alone.

Since we are friends it wouldn't be weird for our numbers to show on cell bills and such we even text without any worry but keep it to a minimum now

This is similar to my realtionship

 

People seem to think spouses can access transcripts of texts but both our service providers state that's not true. They only keep transcripts for a couple days and would only release the numbers of who texted not the content of the texts.

At one point a few months ago it came out that his wife handles their phone bills. I was shocked by this as he had lead me to believe in the beginning she had no access to his account. After this discovery we both called and checked what the privacy standard was for texts and calls.

 

I won't say as a woman I don't want more attention, I'd love if it was like in the beginning and we had constant contact but honestly I see how that fuels drama.. The more into it you get your head spins, you start acting out of character, requesting more and more attention and you start getting angry or fights start..

 

Do people agree at all?

We are both married, so now we will sometimes go a week, without contact. We still see each other in that time but don't act on anything. We space out our times together. We have no expectations, no pressure ..

 

I am still very much considering ending the affair because of the guilt I felt and the fear that eventually we will still get caught or that I'll keep falling deeper in love and eventually will be way to hard to walk away. I think I'm already there but I know it could be worse.

 

I have ended it multiple times with my MM for the reasons you mentioned...about a year ago I reached a sort of acceptance that as long as i am doing something that so fundamentally goes against my morals, i will continue to feel guilty.

 

Is your affair drama free or is there a lot of ups and downs and intense situations?

 

How often do you talk and how long has it been going on? Do you do anything to minimize the risk for drama, like we do, by spacing it out, taking breaks to try and keep control of emotions and also evidence. (By evidence I simply mean, the less you text, talk or meet up, the less evidence there is to be found)

 

I know my AP tells me the truth because we are closely connected to each other's family, we can't present only the best of ourselves to each other because as often as we are around one another we have both seen and heard the worst bits too and are still infatuated.

 

My MM and I have defiently seen the worst bits of each other in the last 5 years:)

 

I try to focus on my kids and myself as much as possible. I think that helps keep balance.

I am trying not to lose my self completely in this.

I think its good not to loose yourself completely in any realtionship

I don't need to be told this is wrong, I already know. I'm just curious of the dynamics in affairs happening and if they are similar to what I'm going through.

 

My MM and I are in constant contact, we do not txt very much, mainly as we respect each others home time and do not want any red flags raised..

The rare times his internet has gone down and he cant contact me, he has sent me a txt to tell me what it happening. If i didnt here from him for 1 day, I would be seriously worried.

 

My MM and I have had some "dramas", if they can be called that. None of them where to do with a Dday, or to do with our families...More to do with us working our relationship out.

 

 

I am fiery and outspoken he is very private and reserved..we have had some pretty intense times together..but i cannot actually say they were drama fueled ?

 

We both have had to look deeply into ourselves through our affair, and often confront things that are very painful. He finds this difficult.

 

I think people often confuse passion with drama, my MM and i have had some very intense painful times, but I'm not sure if i would call them dramatic (except when he really pissed me off, and I left him in one country and flew to another:)

 

Even then, as angry as I was, we discussed it like reasonable adults.

 

We are not having a second relationship in our affair, we are having a parallel relationship. It is difficult sometimes, I miss him terribly when we have spent some days together, and always feel a sense of loss.

 

I have expectations of our relationship, not that we are going to be together forever maybe, but while it lasts we treat each other with integrity, honesty and kindness. We are long gone past the point of checking our feelings...We are definitely not just FWB, even though he was that to me in the first few years. We are also best friends:)

 

Not sure if Ive answered your questions lyala, I'm waffling on a bit:)

 

 

[solostand]

We have had some wild outrage - no, make that I have had some wild outrage at him, mostly due to the constraints of the relationship. How he can't see me when I want him to because, well, he has a wife. I have raged and cried and said horrible things to him. He has never ever gotten angry at me. I have noticed that he cannot stand it when I am mad at him - he'll do anything to make me smile again (except of course leave his wife). That's because he is conflict avoidant.He can't say no to me. But since our relationship has gone well over a year, these traumas occur less, probably because we have passed lust and moved to love. Yesterday he told me he would jump off the town's bridge for me, and he doesn't like cold water. I wanted to say "do it then!" However, he is still married so probably he didn't mean it, lol.

[LaylaSings]

I'm curious about what you get from this relationship or when do you guys see each other/communicate?

 

Is it more like a FWB thing? It sounds similar to that from what you're saying, but I'm not sure.

 

FWB in my own experience are people that I like well enough, we have sex, we're friends but it's not a relationship. I do not love them romantically and do not want to be with them in a relationship and we don't need to speak daily and even weeks can pass without contact. While with a relationship I require a lot more communication.

 

We see each other all the time, we live next door to one another. But the way we can be around each other when we are alone is much different than when we are in front of other people. Even sometimes when we are completely alone anyone could see us interact and only think of us as very close friends.

He's been one of the best friends I ever had and I've never been as close to anyone as him but that freaked me out a lot and probably him too. We have been trying to find a healthy balance ever since and it's been pretty smooth sailing as long as we keep some space every so often..

We do love one another, we've said it in a lot of ways but not for months now.. We agreed we were not divorcing for each other right now but he seems to think when our kids are grown we may change our minds.

We don't go more than a few days between seeing one another we just don't text often.

We don't make arrangements to have sex or meet up alone.. It just happens when it happens.

Edited January 19, 2014 by LaylaSings

[LaylaSings]

Being in love with two men, paranoia over whether your fellow townsfolk suspect, making calls to cell phone providers to check privacy policies, a dramatic rollback in communication, straining to keep emotions in check, being a mother when you've emotionally checked out on their father, mathematically allocating texts and meet-ups, managing evidence ...

 

 

It sounds like drama to me!

 

I think I did say any drama has been one sided.. As in my own mind and how I over think and analyze it all to death. But between me and him, it's been drama free. No threats to tell, no pressure, no heartbreak over broken promises.

 

I have no checked out entirely from my husband, I love him in a lot of ways and I feel a lot of guilt for what I've been doing but for some reason it's not enough to make me stop yet. No one to blame but me.

[Popsicle]

Mine was completely drama-free, but I ended it because it was messing with my mind and emotions and probably his too.