dienstag Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I cannt stop but wonder how on earth have i ever spent a second of my life with my ex????? I look at him and feel disgust, hate and anger. I have been living with these feelings for a while now so that i do not react as strongly as in the early days of separation but still this question keeps bothering me "How did i end up here?" Divorced, single mother, disgusted... I read here the horroble, painful and unspeakable things our exs do to us. They lie, cheat, destroy us financially, walk all over our feelings etc. List is endless... Was it just a mistake and me/ you just chose the "bad" partner? Is it normal human reaction to divorce to show the worst of your nature? And the scariest one - are all people like this? And sooner or later when the relationship ends we all turn into these heartless monsters??? I guess this is just one of the phases i am currently going through but i feel i can practically go and become a nun as i can never imagine to be able to share my life with anybody again. I know this is probably "normal" trust issues but how do you justify your divorce? As mistake? Bad luck? Bad guy/girl? Human nature? Never again? Sorry if i am being too abstract but i always deal with problems through logic - is there any logical explanation to a divorce? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
SnapCracklePop Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I think that for most of us, when we got married we still really did not have a good idea of what makes the ideal partner for us. That coupled with the probability that we were also likely still developing as people and so was our ex... its not a good recipe for success. Not only do you refine your likes and dislikes but changes in you and your partner can allow that distance/void whatever develop and before you know it, you are questioning your marriage. I see a lot of people in their young 20s to mid 20s wanting to get married, and they want to start a family in their early 30s. I get it.. I think that most people do not want to be still raising young kids when they are approaching 50s-60s (and retirement). The timing of children and marriage seems to work with that idea, but personal development does not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Of course there is. Ultimately it comes down to two factors (sometimes, the edges blur): 1) Incompatibility 2) Overstepping a boundary. There is also a logical explanation for why you once loved him, and now you hate him with about as much passion, if not more: because the two centres of the brain associated with Love and Hate are so close together they connect. And Love is the converse emotion to Hate. Or, if you prefer, vice versa. I say 'converse emotion' - but Hate, is not the OPPOSITE, ANTIDOTE emotion to Love. 'Indifference' fills that role. You will only ever be truly over your ex- when you feel complete indifference to him. because while you feel so vehemently strong about him, in negative terms, you clutch him to your heart and mind, just as closely and tightly, as if you loved him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dienstag Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks Tara. I like what you said and i also understand that indifference is the answer but i feel i can not let it go until i can rationalise what it was??? Its been 12 years of my life after all... Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks Tara. I like what you said and i also understand that indifference is the answer but i feel i can not let it go until i can rationalise what it was??? Its been 12 years of my life after all... Think about this.... He gave 12 years too. Those years were given by both your' choices. It is hard to "see" of the good, satisfying, attractive, or comfortable (or whatever perceived positive) aspects now that kept you there, when you are angry and hurting - and facing a loss - even an unhealthy loss. Cannot get 12 years back - because the 12 years are your history - they are a part of you, for good or bad. You have only one direction to go - no other choice: 2014 and forward. That's it, for all of us. Take the good and learn from the bad, move forward, leave the past behind. That will be another one of the stages you will enter after hate/anger/hurt. Yas 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Thanks Tara. I like what you said and i also understand that indifference is the answer but i feel i can not let it go until i can rationalise what it was??? Its been 12 years of my life after all... You can only rationalise what you know, for yourself, is your truth. you cannot mind-read him, nor second-guess him, even after 12 years together. I spent 26 years with my ex-H before we went our separate ways, and the basic 'truth' of that finale, was that we no longer helped each other grow, had grown apart, and quite simply, had finished. Naturally, this is as I had seen it; but he did tell me, in a meeting prior to our commencing divorce proceedings that "If we're honest, we should have done this long ago". Since our separation, I have met him three or four times, and that was during proceedings. I have neither spoken to, nor seen him since 2005. Time, is nothing. We give ourself chronological milestones, logical measurements of time with which to pace our days and count our hours; but in fact, time is a highly personal concept; It's like waiting months for a holiday, then seeing the 2 weeks pass in the bat of an eyelid.... Time, is personal. 26 years flew by faster than I care to even think. I have 2 grown daughters, yet I remember each birth vividly, as if it were yesterday. Do not waste these fleeting milestones and halt your own progress, by refusing to 'let go'. After all, really - what is it really, that is real - that you are holding on to? To what guaranteed end? Rationalising causes knots - or as some wit put it - 'Hyper-analysis causes paralysis'. Don't paralyse yourself into a rut, when there's so much more to be had if you free yourself from the fetters of this weight. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
delight Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Overstepping a boundary, what a huge issue this becomes. And therein doesn't this spell disrespect by our partners. It is the unwillingness to surrender completely to protect your love. If you have ever read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink, it discusses how this practical guru can tell in a matter of minutes whether a couple will divorce or stay together. One of the things he says is most damaging is when one has contempt for their spouse. They say getting married you become as 1, maybe some people just refuse that idea and continue on in their old selfish ways. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Was it just a mistake and me/ you just chose the "bad" partner? For some, sure. For others, one or both partners changed in ways which weren't synergistic nor resolvable. For others, extraordinary life challenges tore the fabric of the relationship apart. Many 'reasons'. Is it normal human reaction to divorce to show the worst of your nature? IMO, it turns upon how one reacts emotionally and chooses to behave in situations of extreme stress and grief. For some, they shut down. For others, wild outbursts of emotion. For others, analysis. Often, combinations of paths. Humans are very complex. And the scariest one - are all people like this? And sooner or later when the relationship ends we all turn into these heartless monsters??? All people can be all things. There's really no way to predict with any certainty. Past behaviors can give some insight, hence why it's helpful to understand a person's feelings about past relationships and their feelings about close continuing relationships, like family and close friends, to understand them better and look for synergy. No guarantees. IMO, at the end of it all, do and be what speaks to you. There are no rewards in life for following a certain behavioral standard other than how you feel about yourself. You choose. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 The only thing that I have in mind when someone even mentions the word divorce - the one who literally had his bum kicked, should please, please stay strong and have enough self-confidence to not just come back as soon as the "betrayer" whistles for them to come back like you whistle for your dog to come for food. I haven't been here for a long time, but I've already heard and read through peoples' stories and a few threads were already deleted - making me fear the worst for those people who are hopelessly in love with folks who don't deserve them. This is the only thing that really, really annoys me about divorces. It's just too hard for some people to let go. Understandable, but futile. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Do not waste these fleeting milestones and halt your own progress, by refusing to 'let go'. After all, really - what is it really, that is real - that you are holding on to? To what guaranteed end? Rationalising causes knots - or as some wit put it - 'Hyper-analysis causes paralysis'. Don't paralyse yourself into a rut, when there's so much more to be had if you free yourself from the fetters of this weight. This is so true!! OP I've spent on and off all year trying to work it all out, most days I understand but the days i don't it's just awful and a total waste of time because no matter what you had, is no more... No matter how hard you try you can never work it out...because it simply (sadly) is what it is. The mind wanders... Focus on the good days, they start to weigh out the bad in time. SS x Link to post Share on other sites
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