What is wrong with me?

[PreciousOne]

Here I am still thinking about the same things, contemplating the same things that I was 7 damn years ago. Knowing that I need to walk away from this man,this man who for some stupid ass reason I love and have such a soft spot for but I know means me no good. Damn I feel like such a fool for being here all this time. I cant really give a reason as to why I've stayed for so long cause I really don't benefit from this situation at all I'm just here like a woman trapped in marriage I cant escape but I'm the side woman. I'm just not understanding what the **** is wrong with me and why I am always weak to so many situations in my life. Always afraid to tell someone no or just various situations in my life I'm just very confused. I feel like I've completely lost my identity and kind of feel helpless but know I'm the exact opposite. I procrastinate so much in life and always do a lot of talking but never take the first step. I am really pissed off at myself but anyway, this is how I'm feeling right now.

[blue963]

Maybe you can start by taking little steps in your life that aren't related to the MM. I want to get out of this also and I do have a soft spot too. (5 years) I have been trying to make changes in other areas and it is making me feel stronger with things involving him. I get so angry at myself too because I am putting up with it. In reality, Im not getting very much for as much mental processing that he take up in my head. I think that if I put all that energy I spend thinking about him into something for me, I could make huge changes! If you want to PM i dont mind. I could use the support to!

[whichwayisup]

Here I am still thinking about the same things, contemplating the same things that I was 7 damn years ago. Knowing that I need to walk away from this man,this man who for some stupid ass reason I love and have such a soft spot for but I know means me no good. Damn I feel like such a fool for being here all this time. I cant really give a reason as to why I've stayed for so long cause I really don't benefit from this situation at all I'm just here like a woman trapped in marriage I cant escape but I'm the side woman. I'm just not understanding what the **** is wrong with me and why I am always weak to so many situations in my life. Always afraid to tell someone no or just various situations in my life I'm just very confused. I feel like I've completely lost my identity and kind of feel helpless but know I'm the exact opposite. I procrastinate so much in life and always do a lot of talking but never take the first step. I am really pissed off at myself but anyway, this is how I'm feeling right now.

 

Maybe it's time to get some counseling to help you figure it out and get stronger so you can end it for real and find 'you' again. Therapy..What you put into it is what you get out of it and it's hard work.

 

This is your life and it'll only change for the better if you dig down deep, stop being afraid of feeling pain and losing MM. You're stuck in spin cycle and that's not going to change until you do something about it.

[Lady2163]

Start creating a life without him.

 

I've been involved with a MM for seven plus years. Im not in romantic love with him, he's not in love with me, he's never leaving hs wife. When his wife retires, our relationship is over. I'm trying to find someone else or create a life that doesn't involve him.

 

But he is a huge part of my life right now.

 

Five years ago I moved back to my hometown. It is small and I love it here, except the single male population is nonexistent. I grouse about it a lot.

 

Not too long ago, I realized on a Saturday night I was exhausted. I looked at my calendar for the week.

 

I had played a sporting event 3 times and done two aerobic classes. I had been out to lunch with friends and had supper at another friends house. One night I'd played a monthly group game. I'd driven my mother to her doctor appointment, my neighbor to her doctor appointment. I'd babysat for friends who wanted to go out for supper. On this particular Saturday night I was trying to convince myself to go to a movie, while other friends wanted me to go to a bar and do karoke.

 

Without knowing it, I built a life for myself. Yes, it is a tad dull, but it is a life.

 

MM is long distance - 4 hour car drive. It is getting to the point where it is harder for me to see him. Invariably, I'm blowing off something to spend a couple of days there. In theory, I could drive there, get a hotel room with him for a few hours, then drive home. I predict that will happen eventually. Several months ago, I started trying to get him to come to "my side" of the city. It is a 30 minute drive for him now instead of 5 minutes.

 

Start by doing one thing for you. Take a class you're interested in, even if it never goes anywhere. Take a ceramics class and REFUSE to miss it. No matter how badly he may try to make you feel because you weren't 'available'.

 

If you don't have the money for a class...a little white lie may be in order. Tell him you have a class anyway. Go to the library or someplace you want to go for a couple of hours.

 

I highly recommend taking a swim class. This is because there is no way it will ever be cool to check your phone during that time. There was a woman in my water aerobics class who tried to get 20 other people to wait while she got out to answer a text from one of her kids. We didn't, and her best friend sort of ripped her for it in the locker room (she's married, kids were not alone, it was inane).

 

Just one thing...thats all it takes. You can buid a life without him.

 

Oh - one other thing - many peope will say get involved in this or that civic group, volunteer, become active in your church, etc. These activities all sounded like work to me. I already work hard enough. If it isnt something you think sounds like fun, or you're not interested in, don't do it. It will be a chore and your heart won't be in it.

 

The exception to the above work statement is, do it if it is short term.

[PreciousOne]

You know its weird I always seem to get great and helpful advice but execution is my weakness right now. I just cant for the life of me understand why I feel so strongly and yeah I know Ive been "with" him for damn near a decade. OMG that's freaking ridiculous. But he is not an attractive man he is significantly older than me maybe I do have father issues and don't really want to confront it Im not sure.

 

 

When I first met him I was a teenager, I was running away from home because my parents were on drugs and really seemed to not give a **** I know they loved me but they were just caught up in their addictions and couldn't really parent properly. I was out there making a lot of bad choices being very slutty and stooped to a lot of lows and treated my body horribly and I was broke I recall times that I would sleep outside and/or stay up all night not having anywhere to sleep or bathe or eat. it was terrible and by the time I wanted to go back home because I got pregnant (later miscarried) There wasn't much of a home we were on the verge of eviction I had nowhere to turn then one night I was at a store and he asked if I wanted anything I declined he gave me his number and it just went from there in the beginning I thought okay I will try to get what I can from him and I know that was wrong but he presented himself that way he said he wanted to take care of me. I never planned to fall for him I let my guard down because I didn't even think that it was a possibility to be honest because of his age and the fact that he was married. But the more I was around him I began to like talking to him about various things and Im a normally shy introverted person very quiet but I was able to open up to him. He treated me better than anyone I had and I had dealt with some real dickheads even though I was so young. was very numb at the time that I met him I just adapted a idgaf attitude about virtually everything. I had a bad weed/cigarette habit.

 

 

Anyway I was going down a very bad path but he introduced me to a completely different environment and opened my eyes to a lot of things. But then I fell for him and fell hard and I had never felt as if I loved anyone before. I loved him the sex was/is phenomenal he gave me what I wanted and needed(mostly) and he is always there when I need him most but he doesn't belong to me His wife is an evangelist and is so sweet they ended up joining a church I used to attend and Ive been confronted by her several times maybe she remembers me maybe she doesn't but she has hugged me and embraced me and mind****ed me bad excuse my language but it really freaked me out. I want to walk away so bad but it is so hard. I do still love him and everything but I just don't want to be with him I talk to him about this frequently and all he does is sweet talk me and make me horny and I have an extremely high sex drive and its nearly impossible to tell him no. I haven't been with anyone but him the entire time (sexually) Im just so confused well not really. Im being realistic I know we will never be together and Im fine with that Ive never allowed myself to believe that I mean he makes hs decision every night his children are out of the house so whatever. Im just used to him and feel comfortable and free around him to a certain extent and it sucks that all this time has been wasted on someone with whom I have no future.

 

 

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Sorry for the essay.

[PreciousOne]

You Know... You know its weird I always seem to get great and helpful advice but execution is my weakness right now. I just cant for the life of me understand why I feel so strongly and yeah I know Ive been "with" him for damn near a decade. OMG that's freaking ridiculous. But he is not an attractive man he is significantly older than me maybe I do have father issues and don't really want to confront it Im not sure.

 

 

When I first met him I was a teenager, I was running away from home because my parents were on drugs and really seemed to not give a **** I know they loved me but they were just caught up in their addictions and couldn't really parent properly. I was out there making a lot of bad choices being very slutty and stooped to a lot of lows and treated my body horribly and I was broke I recall times that I would sleep outside and/or stay up all night not having anywhere to sleep or bathe or eat. it was terrible and by the time I wanted to go back home because I got pregnant (later miscarried) There wasn't much of a home we were on the verge of eviction I had nowhere to turn then one night I was at a store and he asked if I wanted anything I declined he gave me his number and it just went from there in the beginning I thought okay I will try to get what I can from him and I know that was wrong but he presented himself that way he said he wanted to take care of me. I never planned to fall for him I let my guard down because I didn't even think that it was a possibility to be honest because of his age and the fact that he was married. But the more I was around him I began to like talking to him about various things and Im a normally shy introverted person very quiet but I was able to open up to him. He treated me better than anyone I had and I had dealt with some real dickheads even though I was so young. was very numb at the time that I met him I just adapted a idgaf attitude about virtually everything. I had a bad weed/cigarette habit.

 

 

Anyway I was going down a very bad path but he introduced me to a completely different environment and opened my eyes to a lot of things. But then I fell for him and fell hard and I had never felt as if I loved anyone before. I loved him the sex was/is phenomenal he gave me what I wanted and needed(mostly) and he is always there when I need him most but he doesn't belong to me His wife is an evangelist and is so sweet they ended up joining a church I used to attend and Ive been confronted by her several times maybe she remembers me maybe she doesn't but she has hugged me and embraced me and mind****ed me bad excuse my language but it really freaked me out. I want to walk away so bad but it is so hard. I do still love him and everything but I just don't want to be with him I talk to him about this frequently and all he does is sweet talk me and make me horny and I have an extremely high sex drive and its nearly impossible to tell him no. I haven't been with anyone but him the entire time (sexually) Im just so confused well not really. Im being realistic I know we will never be together and Im fine with that Ive never allowed myself to believe that I mean he makes hs decision every night his children are out of the house so whatever. Im just used to him and feel comfortable and free around him to a certain extent and it sucks that all this time has been wasted on someone with whom I have no future.

 

 

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Sorry for the essay.

[PreciousOne]

I was sixteen when I met him, he was 50 (wow that is freaking crazy) Ive always been tall and mature for my age (so Ive been told) I lied to him about my age and told him I was 19yo. Maybe he believed me maybe he didn't. He has two kids with his W. They have been married for almost 30 years I think( omg Im going to hell). Neither of their children live at home.

 

 

 

 

Im very eager to talk out my issue I gain strength from coming here.

 

 

We had a talk about going our separate way about month ago but its as if it never happened he still does the same things and I allow him to he says he cant live without me in his life but I don't believe it because hes basically been living without me all of this time....

[TaraMaiden]

Does his wife have any idea?

I think revealing the affair to her would be a great move on your part, and would determine the conclusion to this Clusterphukk quite definitively....

[PreciousOne]

I have considered that option but I don't think that's the right thing to do. I have met her several times, she recently joined the same church as me(haven't been back but a couple times since). I don't want to embarrass her or make things messy. I understand that Im wrong for having this A but I don't think that's the best idea although I do value your input.

[TaraMaiden]

In that case, consider this:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?

Still in the same rut?

Still pandering to the selfish whims of an adulterer whose chosen vocation is made a complete mockery of, by his lies, deceit, subterfuge and carnal urges?

 

How long do you want to continue being a protagonist in what basically boils down to being his 'bit on the side'...?

 

Your own desire is measurable by the determination you show to change your life, take hold of it, steer it as you want, and bring an end to this aimless, fruitless and ultimately pointless direction.

 

You know this is a dead end.

if you intend to stay with it, until you crash against the buffers and are left high and dry by an affair that frankly is beneficial on one side only, then - more fool you.

 

Your choice is to stop.

Pure and simple.

Stop.