MissTakes Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Hi all. I think that I probably already know the answer to this one, but I just don't know what to do at this point. Here's my story... A few months ago, I was planning a move across the country when I met a guy who I really hit it off with. We started casually hooking up, with me thinking that it would be a fun fling to end my summer on. Because I'm young and naive, marriage is always the furthest thing from my mind - my own, or anyone else's. That's why it took me until after I had already started falling for him to figure out that he was married. I was pissed - at him, and at myself - but since I was leaving, I decided that the best option was to just leave and not look back. I continued the affair until I left, and figured that after I moved, I would never speak to him again. That didn't end up working as well as I thought it would, and it finally came to a point where I had to block his calls, texts, emails, etc. Still, I thought it was over and done with. Recently, though, I went to visit some friends in my old city, and got a message (grr, Apple and its stupid inability to block iMessages from coming to my computer) from him asking to see me. Apparently, friends of friends had told him that I would be in town. I ended up running into him while I was out with friends one night, and he begged - and, frankly, very nearly made a scene with his wife standing nearby - until I agreed to have a conversation with him the next day. I fully expected that our conversation would consist of him making excuses and me getting mad. Instead, though, he owned it. He was honest, up-front, and didn't pull punches. He admitted that he was glad that I had moved, because he was starting to realize how complicated things were becoming. He admitted that he had screwed up enormously, and called himself insane. He admitted that although he knows he should, he doesn't feel guilty. He didn't try to blame anyone besides himself. And he told me that more than anything, his goal at this point is to make me feel comfortable, but that he also wants us to be friends. Not close or anything - but enough so that I will unblock him and return his messages if he texts or emails me, if only so that he knows I'm okay and doesn't have to ask our mutual friends a hundred times. Since I couldn't very well avoid him for the rest of my visit, we agreed to have a friendship trial-period. Later, he admitted that it's hard for him to "behave himself" with me, and that he's constantly checking his actions and his words. That said, he knows that if he crosses the line, I will cross him off and never speak to him again - so he did a surprisingly good job of behaving appropriately. Now, I'm back across the country in my new home. We haven't spoken since I left. I told him I would need at least a few days to sort myself out. Is this asking for trouble? Is it possible for us to genuinely be "just friends"? And even if it is possible, is it healthy for me in the long run? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 (edited) He is a cheater who says he feels no guilt and can't behave himself around you: yepp sounds like the premise of a genuine and healthy friendship right there. You already know the answer...come on: NO. Are you comfortable being friends with his wife? Non-cheating/non-sketchy married men and women who have genuine friends, their wife or husband knows this person and is also at least moderately friendly with them too. Chances are he won't want you to be friends with his wife OR he might, as some MM do this apparently and think it's great for wife and OW to be friends. And even so....you shouldn't want to be friends with her since you slept with her husband, so all of that in itself says NO...you cannot be friends unless it is secret friends and is a secret friend a real friend? I don't think so. He lied about being married, what other qualities has he exhibited that make you even want to be "friends"? He already says he can't behave himself, he has no guilt, he has all but said that he will continue an affair if you let him and he can't continue the affair unless he has some way of contacting you and unless he knows you'll reciprocate...that is what the friend ploy is about. Opening up the lines of communication so he can slither himself in. Please don't fall for it. You have other friends I'm sure. His friendship isn't that special. Edited January 17, 2014 by MissBee 2 Link to post Share on other sites
missy268 Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 I agree with everything MissBee has just said It really isn't possible. If he was a true friend he would repsect you, and there doesn't seem to be an element of any respect here for you or for himself. I know it's really hard but run now whilst you can. Don't get into something really messy, it really isn't worth the heartache! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 No. Do not keep in touch. You haven't really invested tons in him, so is this a real heart issue like you've fallen head or heels in love with him or an ego thing - a habit and it's just fun to have someone in your life who has lied to you, makes you feel 'something intense' and makes your heart beat faster? Ask yourself why you'd want a guy who lied to you, has treated you poorly in your life. Plus, he's married and your friendship with him is hidden from his wife and family. I say forget him and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 It's a set-up. Don't fall for it, your posts show that you're smarter than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTakes Posted January 17, 2014 Author Share Posted January 17, 2014 You haven't really invested tons in him, so is this a real heart issue like you've fallen head or heels in love with him or an ego thing - a habit and it's just fun to have someone in your life who has lied to you, makes you feel 'something intense' and makes your heart beat faster? Ask yourself why you'd want a guy who lied to you, has treated you poorly in your life. Plus, he's married and your friendship with him is hidden from his wife and family. I didn't invest in him at first, but I did end up falling pretty hard for him. And actually, I know his family. His parents are out of state, but his brother became a pretty close friend of mine, as well. Spending time with the two of them together is one of the things that I miss most. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted January 17, 2014 Share Posted January 17, 2014 Think about it, he didn't inform you of very important information so that you could make an informed decision about one of the most inportant decisions we make in life; whom we give our heart to. You should be VERY angry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I think former APs can be friends in much the same way a former couple can be friends. But I don't think you and this man can be friends without drifting back into previous patterns. Because he doesn't sound like he wants to be just friends. And it doesn't sound like he has been a good friend to you to this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Secret Advisor Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 I predict that this A will re-ignite. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Hi all. I think that I probably already know the answer to this one, but I just don't know what to do at this point. Here's my story... A few months ago, I was planning a move across the country when I met a guy who I really hit it off with. We started casually hooking up, with me thinking that it would be a fun fling to end my summer on. Because I'm young and naive, marriage is always the furthest thing from my mind - my own, or anyone else's. That's why it took me until after I had already started falling for him to figure out that he was married. I was pissed - at him, and at myself - but since I was leaving, I decided that the best option was to just leave and not look back. I continued the affair until I left, and figured that after I moved, I would never speak to him again. That didn't end up working as well as I thought it would, and it finally came to a point where I had to block his calls, texts, emails, etc. Still, I thought it was over and done with. Recently, though, I went to visit some friends in my old city, and got a message (grr, Apple and its stupid inability to block iMessages from coming to my computer) from him asking to see me. Apparently, friends of friends had told him that I would be in town. I ended up running into him while I was out with friends one night, and he begged - and, frankly, very nearly made a scene with his wife standing nearby - until I agreed to have a conversation with him the next day. I fully expected that our conversation would consist of him making excuses and me getting mad. Instead, though, he owned it. He was honest, up-front, and didn't pull punches. He admitted that he was glad that I had moved, because he was starting to realize how complicated things were becoming. He admitted that he had screwed up enormously, and called himself insane. He admitted that although he knows he should, he doesn't feel guilty. He didn't try to blame anyone besides himself. And he told me that more than anything, his goal at this point is to make me feel comfortable, but that he also wants us to be friends. Not close or anything - but enough so that I will unblock him and return his messages if he texts or emails me, if only so that he knows I'm okay and doesn't have to ask our mutual friends a hundred times. Since I couldn't very well avoid him for the rest of my visit, we agreed to have a friendship trial-period. Later, he admitted that it's hard for him to "behave himself" with me, and that he's constantly checking his actions and his words. That said, he knows that if he crosses the line, I will cross him off and never speak to him again - so he did a surprisingly good job of behaving appropriately. Now, I'm back across the country in my new home. We haven't spoken since I left. I told him I would need at least a few days to sort myself out. Is this asking for trouble? Is it possible for us to genuinely be "just friends"? And even if it is possible, is it healthy for me in the long run? So, what do you want and how will you deal with a discovery if the "friendship card" doesn't stay a friendship and the A is discovered? Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 "Being friends" leaves the door open. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 18, 2014 Share Posted January 18, 2014 Now, I'm back across the country in my new home. We haven't spoken since I left. I told him I would need at least a few days to sort myself out. How's that going? Is this asking for trouble? Unknown. It depends on the people involved. Since you've apparently had a PA and EA, it's problematical IMO Is it possible for us to genuinely be "just friends"? Anything is possible. Generally, when I was married anyway, my friends hung out with my wife and I as a couple and everyone knew everyone and friends were supportive of our M And even if it is possible, is it healthy for me in the long run? It could be. Or not. Hard to predict. What common interests would you say you share? As example, I have friends across the country whom I share an interest in vintage cars with. I love them (married couple) dearly. I often interact with my friend's spouse alone and she occasionally discusses her concerns with me (his health issues mainly). We've known each other for many years and I love them both and that is transparent. As a disclaimer, I'm a fMM and fOM so I've seen those sides of the fence. Welcome to LS and good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTakes Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 I predict that this A will re-ignite. I don't think so. I've moved across the country and have no prospect of being back for anything other than a brief visit anytime in the next 4-5 years. I could see it becoming an EA again, if I allowed it to get to that point (I will stay strong, though!) but never PA. carhill, thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Here are the answers: 1) We haven't spoken since I left. He's respecting the distance I asked for, which is great. I will have to reach out to him at some point, though - I have a friend in my new city who asked to be put in touch with MM (who is well-known within certain circles) regarding business. 2) When I visited, and he was pushing for a friendship, I told him that it would have to be based on our mutual interests and completely separate from the past A. That is: sports and vinyl collecting - and that's pretty much all we will talk about if we end up being friends, as far as I'm concerned. Sports I can talk about with anyone, but honestly, there are maybe 2 other people that I've ever met who even come near to him on knowledgeability on vinyl. I am worried that being friends leaves the door open. I was reading through some other NC items, and Rollercoaster Rider wrote that telling MM not to contact her wasn't effective, but that going with "it's time to say goodbye, but you can call me if you need to" has worked. I think that's probably the route I'll go, because I know from experience that telling him that I don't want to speak with him gets him upset and worried - plus, I will periodically see him when I'm back visiting other friends, and I'd rather have it be as not-awkward as possible! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 It's only possible if you don't have feelings for him anymore, OR if both of you agree to hold back (it takes two). If he can't control himself and always tempts you, it will be high risk. Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Apparently, friends of friends had told him that I would be in town. Tell your friends, and their friends, to stay out of it. If they know he's married, they're just looking for some drama to chatter about amongst themselves. Since I couldn't very well avoid him for the rest of my visit... Ummmm...why not? He went from a guy you just met a few months ago to someone who is unavoidable in social circles? He's looking to keep you on the hook in case his M doesn't work out. You can do better than a guy like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think former APs can be friends in much the same way a former couple can be friends. But I don't think you and this man can be friends without drifting back into previous patterns. Because he doesn't sound like he wants to be just friends. And it doesn't sound like he has been a good friend to you to this point. I like this a whole lot. But, unlike a former couple, when you don't "break up" because of a fight or differences, you have to be very cautious to avoid EA and PA. Good luck - but please try to put yourself first and enjoy the time you have now in your new location. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I think former APs can be friends in much the same way a former couple can be friends. But I don't think you and this man can be friends without drifting back into previous patterns. Because he doesn't sound like he wants to be just friends. And it doesn't sound like he has been a good friend to you to this point. Affair ex's are not the same as (single) ex's. No need to get into details about the differences as it's pretty obvious as to why. You do what is best for you. Not what your mutual friends think or want. Remember, as long as he is in your life, your feelings will be fed and your heart will want him, making it impossible for you to let go completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaylorLane Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 I could see it becoming an EA again, if I allowed it to get to that point (I will stay strong, though!) but never PA. If only I had a quarter for every time I said "I will stay strong" and not give in ... Now we're 2 years in, both in love, both screwed and not in just the fun way... Run while you still can!!! MM's will charm you to death and suck the life right out of you On another note, if you do choose to continue on thinking things can be avoided, wait 'till he tells you he's gonna drop in for a visit!! lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTakes Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 On another note, if you do choose to continue on thinking things can be avoided, wait 'till he tells you he's gonna drop in for a visit!! lol Gah don't even joke like that! Before we began NC he was talking about it. I've made it clear that it is absolutely not welcome, and that he does not have a place to stay with me. As to the question of how I couldn't avoid him when I was in town: we met initially when our social circles kind of... well, collided, for lack of a better term. If I want to spend time with my friends while visiting, 75% of the time, the places they want to go to will be the same places that he's at. ARGH. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaylorLane Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 He may drop in for a visit, and just get a hotel room then. lol I do get that you have to be cordial, and there's nothing wrong with being pleasant in the case of a run in. I'd go with the "short and sweet" approach though..lol I think what everyone's trying to say is that MM's have no limits and don't know boundaries so if there is still any feeling on his part he will not stop trying (regardless of what he says) to weasel his way in and continue to cross lines. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTakes Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 He may drop in for a visit, and just get a hotel room then. He's done a good job of keeping everyone - his BS, family, and all our mutual friends - in the dark so far, and I feel like the day of travel in each direction required for him to be able to see me would make it pretty hard to keep under wraps! And before you say he could claim it was a business trip - yes, but him and his brother travel together for business 99.999% of the time. And we've both made it very, very clear to each other that very possibly, the only thing we want to avoid more than dday with the BS is dday with his brother! Link to post Share on other sites
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